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Reviews for My Side

By : icewomin
  • From ANON - erin on March 28, 2005
    hott hott hott! who is narrating? i cant figure it out. will you continue with this? what happens after breakfast? hmmmmmm? lol, well, i cant wait to read more. this was nice and juicy
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  • From ANON - Bloody Sakura on May 03, 2004
    Excellent work. Sensual can't define it properly... I guess we need a stronger word.
    BTW, I would like it to be Harry/Hermione (my favorite couple). There are somethings that could apply to both of them... But let the author tell us later.
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  • From ANON - Chana on April 29, 2004

    Hi, it's me. Sorry if this posts twice; my computer is being all stupid.

    This story was absolutely hot beyond belief. There's so little het in this fandom – and this piece was refreshing and enjoyable and hot and everything smut should be. I love the first-time scenario, and Iin ain awe of the way you managed to make Dian seem so innocent without having cold feet, and without making either of those points completely take over things. You did that very well – it was evident in the things she said ("Tonight?"), the way she was hesitant and quite obviously wasn't entirely sure as what she was doing (like Mystery Man suspected she'd never seen a naked cock before), the way she reacted, and her almost childlike state of innocence (like how she couldn't walk), to name a few. This is perfect embodiment of the "show, don't tell" tactic.

    Some people think multiple orgasms are extravagant, but I say layer it on, baby – smut has to be decadent to be loved, and this was sweet and gooey enough to give me some very pleasant cavities. Int tnt to extremes to show just how turned on these people were, and that gives the story itself an extra air of hotness that's fortunately thicker than in some other fics. There's also some beautiful, almost Shakespearian, language that emphasizes, among other things, Dian's innocence – it almost reminds me of Lenina Crowe, except not quite – "never been kissed until my lips crushed hers moments ago" – I love lines like that. That's not the only thing, though – you use stronger language to make every single thought or action more powerful. ("Contractions like a tourniquet" - Now that paints a damn good picture.) The concept of courtship was especially nice, because normally even first-time fics don't involve a bit of that, and it gave this fic an extra degree of sweetness.

    I think, though, that in some cases you may want to tune down the language a bit. This really is detailed, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it dstrastray a bit from what's expected. Some people like reading about, say, glistening pubic hairs and swollen labia, but some think it's going too far – so I'm asking you to tread carefully. Also remember that the more detailed a description is, the more accurate it has to be – if someone notices a logistical error right in the middle of a sex scene, it's sure to be a turn off. I don't know enough about anything to hazard a guess as to whether this scene is entirely accurate, but you should make sure to fix as many errors as possible, because it seems to me like some of the things you mentioned are way too exaggerated from how it really works. That's not saying you shouldn't exaggerate, but if you do, you should exaggerate the whole thing (i.e., multiple orgasms) instead of minor details (i.e., physically impossible bodily reactions). I don't know why it works that way, but apparently it does. Just remember that things have to be kept believable and generally not too graphic. (Be absolutely sure to avoid the other extreme, though – don't ever use euphemisms, or even slang, to describe a body part – generally words like that seem out of place, unless they're in a dialogue. You use words like pussy and clit and dick and fuck, and while they're okay in some cases, they sound out of place here, when the rest of the narrative is so meticulous with that man's succinct and definitely-not-casual language.) I'm not saying you've done all these things, only that they're something to look out for in the future, because somehow it seems like in this fandom, everyone has to conform, and it's deemed unacceptable to use certain words or writing methods. I don't get it, either.

    You also might, however, want to tone down on the Mystery Man's language, especially in the second chapter. It's very good for his character – he's much more in control than anre ore outside the books – but it seems almost inappropriate, given what's going on around him. Can't he be just a semi-normal man getting some semi-normal noogie? Then he can go back to his super huge vocabulary.

    The one other thing I'd like to mention is the beginning – it seems a little unclear still what's going on. Have they both just graduated Hogwarts, or do there just happen to be graduates around? What was she doing at the Leaky Cauldron, anyway? How does he know her? What is this story he wants to tell her? It's the the first few paragraphs are a riddle, and while they could well be answered later, they still leave the reader wondering through a couple of important scenes. I think those questions need to be answered sooner.

    Oh, yes, and I forgot to say – "It means that I am the only one she will ever know this way. Her pussy was made for me alone, this channel made solely by my thrusting." I am absolutely in love with thine;ine; it is very original and I can't think of anyththatthatld gld get the point across even half as well. That's oan ean example of how the whole fic had such interesting and clear figurative language. I especially like that even though each one was a work of art, you didn't use any twice, and kept the story flowing by finding successively stronger ways to describe what goingoing on. It was really brilliant – language doesn't just supplement this, it builds it. This fic is a work of art, and I can't wait to read more about how this leads up to the longer thing – this is going to turn into quite an epic, methinks. You've done a wonderful job with everything. Really excellent work.

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  • From ANON - The Devil on April 26, 2004
    *wipes drool from chin*
    Please stop the suspense and tell us who the horny couple is!

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  • From ANON - The Devil on April 25, 2004
    Holy f*ck! That was very arousing! You gotta write more!
    I only wish this is a Draco/Hermione fic
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  • From ANON - Jules on April 25, 2004
    Holy Sh*t!
    Great description, very sensual and sexy. I also liked that by using only pronouns I could imagine my favorite couple as the main characters.
    I really look forward to reading more of your work.
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  • From ANON - Miki on April 24, 2004
    HHHHOOOOTTTTT! OMIGOD! I can only think of two couples I would want this to be 1) Hermione/Snape (my favorite) or 2) Ginny/Draco. Great smut! Sexy, sexy, sexy stuff.
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  • From ANON - amethystangel on April 23, 2004
    Well, I think it's Sexy Sev!
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  • From ANON - Annie on April 23, 2004
    I'd like it to be Harry/Ginny but I know that won't ever happen. This couple doesn't seem to be very popular out here. But I still love them and they never fail to turn me on. Whatever. Do what you like but I'll still pretend it's H/G.
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  • From shaolin on April 23, 2004
    MMM..Herm and Snape...Maybe Harry and Luna?
    I have to know, and I'll die if i'm right! E-mail me
    before that happens!! LOL..great start..more would
    be nice.
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  • From ANON - Julili on April 23, 2004
    I have no clue who the lovers are, but 'm very curious!
    I hope it's Harry/Hermione or Draco/Hermione!
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  • From ANON - Anon on April 23, 2004
    very good, i still cant get used to the word cunt though.
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  • From ANON - olka-polka on April 23, 2004
    Nice. I want them be SS&HG. Is it Porn without plot?
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  • From Salma on April 23, 2004
    Tell us who are they? Is this Severus and Hermione? Very good smut!Write more and tell us plewho who they are.
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