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Reviews for Part 2 of a school trip to ny

By : Ohbaby125
  • From ANON - Hannah Banana on June 26, 2004
    Just a few friendly pointers...

    1) Use more detail.
    2) Add in a background setting, eg: Why Draco and Hermione are together. It is a PWP but you should add at least a line of plot in to make it understandable.
    3) Stay loyal to the original characters, eg: Snape wouldn't say "fuck" in a teacher situation and Hermione wouldn't be such a skanky hoe. It's fine if you want to make them OOC but you have to back it up in your story somewhere to make it understandable.
    4) Learn to paragraph and spell.
    5) "Bust your load inside me!" where did that come from?

    This is quite poor, even for a first attempt. I suggest that when you want to upload your next story that you send it to an honest person to tell you if it has enough quality foF. F. I think, judging by this fic that you should just keep your writing to yelf elf in future.
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  • From ANON - Joey on June 26, 2004
    I really really did not like that story. Maybe you should paragraph and spell check. Then get some real sexual experience so you know what you are talking about.
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  • From ANON - Anon on June 26, 2004
    Seriously, don't write again.
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  • From ANON - Mrs Lang on June 26, 2004
    In my time of reading fanfic, I have read some terrible ones. This is one of them. It was impossible to understand what was going on. Juices do not "pour" out.
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  • From ANON - Asianstalker on June 26, 2004
    Let me guess ... you're about 12?


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  • From ANON - Lisa Hillman on June 26, 2004
    I suppose it was pretty good for a mentally retarded person.
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  • From ANON - Jules on June 26, 2004
    Oh my God that is the worst fic I have EVER read! You can't even paragraph properly! Please do us all a favour and stop writing. The world will be a better place when you delete this terrible "story"
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  • From ANON - Callia on June 26, 2004
    Well...this gives new meaning to PWP...even the most basic porn fics should have SOME background in them! Or at least have some dialogue, or paragraphs! (does any of this ring a bell?) You obviously enjoy writing to have posted this, but please, for the rest of our sakes, keep your stories to yourself. Even for a first attempt this is pretty pathetic and unless a miracle occures, I don't think your writing will improve enough to warrant it being posted on this wonderful site. I'm sorry to tear into you like this, but sometimes, the truth has to hurt.
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  • From ANON - RefuseToAdmitReadingThis on June 25, 2004
    After the last one I don't Want to admit reading this.
    How old are you?
    Have you heard of sentence structure, paragraghs?
    They have this amazing invention called an English Book, my suggestion is try opening one.
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  • From ANON - Steph on June 25, 2004
    Okere ere are a few tips.

    This wouldn't be a sequel to a story. It would be a second chapter. You don't need to create a whole new story to add a chapter. I would suggest changing it.

    Also, you are in desperate need of a Beta. This y may may be a PWP but it
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