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Reviews for Unfaithful

By : SugarSushi
  • From ANON - Campy Capybara on August 05, 2004
    I know you are trying for the story to be circular; for the readers to think that Hermione was marrying another man on the morrow and having a final 'truth' moment with Draco the night before; but somehow that link wasn't written well enough in the first part to make the ending sound.

    In fact, I think it would have been better the way you wrote it for Hermione to regret her wedding the next day after her night with Draco.

    For your story to work, you would have to have Draco's thinking more vague. Have thinthink or focus on Hermione's nervousness, rather than the 'lucky bastard' she was to marry. I know you were trying to show Draco's jealousy in his thinking, but he wouldn't be jealous of himself, now would he? Perhaps allow him to think about how Hermione being here would allow him to get something from her that he never imagine he'd ever get. Distract readreader with what Draco obviously sees rather than keep speculating about the groom on the morrow.

    Likewise, for Hermione, focus on her guilt - that she really shouldn't do this; that she already told herself not to seek Draco out - not now, not when she's getting married tomorrow. That should be the key to your study of Hermione's feelings.

    The ending could have more tension. It was right you used Hermione's pov, since the readers should not be suspecting that Draco's the groom. However, you should have used an authorial viewpoint describing Hermione's nervousness, perhaps something like -

    Would anyone know? Could they tell what she'd done just the night before? She'd waited to marry him for a lifetime, but last night... she couldn't explain last night. She blushed, head bowed. Her father took her introspection as nerves, and patted her hand to comfort her. She glanced at the familiar pride in her father's eyes. What would her father think of her if he knew now wanton she had been just the night before?

    The music started and she slowly walked down the aisle. Her breath hitched. She dared not... could not... look up to face him - she was afraid of what her eyes would reveal to the man she was to bind herself to. What will he think of her? Will he see what she had done last night reflected in her eyes?

    "You look beautiful, Hermione," he whispered to her softly, whispers that only she could hear.

    Hermione's blush deepened, her eyes still avoiding his.

    "Just like you did this morning when you woke up in my arms," he gave his trademark smirk.



    And that's how you could have drawn out that tension! *smiles*

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  • From ANON - reviewer on August 05, 2004
    very well done.
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  • From ANON - li on August 05, 2004
    Oh wow! Get HOT around here :P :O Great shot fic! Write MORE!
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  • From ANON - deedee on August 05, 2004
    Oh I totally loved the ending. I was preparing myself for an unhappy ending, because I seriously thought she was going to marry Harry or Ron. But having Draco at the end put a big smile on my face :)
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  • From ANON - XxGuMmIbEaRxX on August 05, 2004
    Ist itt it? Was it a one shot or will it be a continuing story?
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  • From ANON - Jamie on August 04, 2004
    Mmmm... Nice little smutty piece!
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  • From ANON - momalfoy on August 04, 2004
    loved it!! :-)
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  • From ANON - Patrice on August 04, 2004
    So who did Hermione marry? Because of the grey eyes comment at the end, it seems like Draco.
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