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Reviews for Sister, how could you stray from the path of good?

By : Freenightfall
  • From ANON - Bean on July 05, 2005
    Good start! And a very good idea to develop. You could place your story at the
    time before Voldemort was defeated, and you wouldn't need to stray from canon.
    That is, unless you really want your characters to meet Harry & Co.,which doesn't seem
    to be necessary.
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  • From ANON - ShadowandFlamePanther on July 05, 2005
    I am not flaming you I am trying to give some helpful advice.

    As one author to another I feel the need to try to help you. I can tell that you are just starting out. My first story was like yours.

    You need to seperate the paragraphs. Your chapters are just one long single paragraph and that makes it very hard for readers to seperate one thing from another.

    Two you need to seperate the characters thoughts or speeches. This is what you have posted.

    "Platform what?" a tall young blond screamed, she sounded puzzled. "Platform Nine and three-quarters." A smaller girl with short hazel colored hair yelled back.
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