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Reviews for The Humanity In You, The Darkness In Me

By : screamguy

From xsuzuakaix on October 21, 2008
I laughed really hard at this part..

He silently put his wand away, it was obvious that the potions master felt awkward that Dumbledore had caught him in his act like a burgler squeezing the tit of the mistress he intended in robbing whilst she slept unawares.

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From xsuzuakaix on October 21, 2008
Chapter Four:

After rereading your materials for this particular rewritten chapter, I must say I am far more impressed than I was the first time.

My ultimate favorite part was this:

"Azriel Shade was not in touch with her emotions, in fact, she tried to distance herself as far from them whenever possible. It was simple really. Emotions were not things she could methodically categorize with ease, they were strange and bizarre neighbors that bumped into her late at night wearing odd attire that she could not quite comprehend.

Distracting her guilt she mentally switched subjects as a defense, contemplating why it was that she had a rather uncontrollable talent for attracting only the most obscure, disgusting, and undesirable wizards towards her.

It was ironic, considering her 'vast' wealth and desirable lineage. However this supposed wealth was only a scant illusion, and were anyone to actually investigate the matter would find that her parents had cut her out of their will, and their hearts, completely.

The auror sighed bitterly, not ignorant enough to believe she actually had something to offer to anyone and yet sometimes wished that she was. It was better this way though.

Her scar made her a bit daunting and she was spiteful and bitter, a bit too cold using more of her brain than her heart , she shrugged her shoulders.

Throwing her head back and laughing maniacly she thought, just who was she kidding anyways? What sort of a man did those qualities attract ? Not the type of guy most girls swooned for, the dreamy sort that left all the regular ones rolling in the dust like mediocre faceless wonders. "

The symbolism there is multi-faceted, and I enjoyed it immensely given the gravity that such things give to the background of the story. Of course, you have your moments where everything is like a demented whirlwind, but I think that is just a part of your charms.

My advise would be to revise your writing so that the spelling/grammatical errors are not so frequent. Other than that, I am enjoying the story, as always. But we have yet to see what is to proceed...
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From sjauthor on September 05, 2008
Great job, screamguy! You're a really good writer! Fenrir is disgusting. It's nice to see that at least Voldemort gets to have a go at him! Have a bath, Fenrir...hehe. :)
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From sjauthor on July 16, 2008
Interesting! I'm curious to see what happens next.
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From screamguy on July 16, 2008
To_Pensieve Plotter__:
No it had nothing to do with Eragon, I had already decided her surname many years ago, Shade because she shares many similarities to a shade or phantasm in her personality, and her past is so traumatic. I wrote the poem for the story actually, it seemed appropriate for the chapter... yes your hunch is correct, but that will come into play later....
Well it cannot be helped... actually I have a really good idea for another fic, unfortunately, I should finish this one before I begin another I don't want to say anything and give it away... I'm glad you enjoyed that bit about Durmstrang... Her potion, or the wearing off of will be significant in the story later.... it's going to be awful.... >D
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From PensievePerson on July 16, 2008
Psychologically this is very frightening! Did you give her the surname Shade from Eragon? You made a beautiful setting and Azriel totally looks like an auror to me. Interesting descriptions and her glasses remind me of foe glass. I have a hunch Voldemort will use this dreams and nightmarish memories to torture Azriel. I also loved the poem you wrote, very inspiring. Did you write the poem from the story or did the story come second? The potion was also cool. I find it interesting and fresh that she went to Durmstrang. Therefore, they should come up with new ideas regarding magic. Such as a potion to make one invisble rather than the disillushionment charm known to canon.

"She knew that where she was going, the path she was taking. The possibility of failure was plausible, death was plausible, yet she could no more resist this call than a dementor could resist the kiss". I liked that passage. You have a perfect understanding of what an Auror
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From screamguy on July 12, 2008
I just revised the whole chapter of "My Nails into Your flesh, Your Harm into My Heart" and the scene with Dumbledore appearing when Snape and sirius were fighting amongst themselves in the third chapter. you may wish to reread them, as it is extremely different since I was completely unsatisfied with it.
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From screamguy on July 12, 2008
To : xXFoolishXMortalXPuckXx ____

I'm slowly building her character, as she still over all these years remains something of an enigma to me. But yes, I did wish her to have many flaws despite her vast and extensive knowledge of magic. No one is perfect after all. In ways, although they may not be visibly discernable, she shares simliarities to Voldemort. I actually realized this later, it was not intentional. Her immaturity is to convey her youth, especially for being an auror, as most aurors tend to be middle aged *besides the lovely Tonks :)*. In the story she is supposed to be about twenty five or so... She may be intellectually superior but I wanted her to be emotionally immature since she hasn't interacted with people and it makes sense that she would retain the emotional outlooks of a child because she hasn't grown in that respect.

Yes, I thought that also; Lucius is attracted to power, so it seems only natural that he would desire the mortal embodiment of power, Voldemort.

I felt Narcissa would cower, sicne she is stricken with fear that surpasses any immolation of her own. You have to understand, she is doing this as compensation for Lucius's misdeeds and for the welfare of her son. We all know Narcissa is a loving mother, and it fits her character in that regard

LOL I can't believe you recollect that bit about Major Payne >DD I inserted that in there as more of an inside joke really....

Yes, you have Snape's POV spot on, he would lie just to nettle sirius, as we all know how he enjoys making Black squirm ... >:D . . .

About Dumbledore, I regret writing that passage lazily, I've known for awhile he's being extremely OOC and I do need to rewrite that ... it's completely not his character - I'm just not very good at comedic relief and I was using him as the ends to a means... :P

no, Dobby is not his 'butt-buddy' lol but you have to consider how Dobby feels about Harry Potter, for this is the same Harry Potter who tricked Lucius in to setting Dobby free, and Dobby risked his life for Harry on several occasions, so he would be completely distressed by this knowledge. Dobby respects Dumbldore and cares for him... moreso than the others in the room so it makes sense he would choose Dumbledore to derive a sense of comfort from.
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From xsuzuakaix on July 12, 2008
Overall:

This story has actually become something I would have never expected, my dear Megabyte. There are certain questionables . . . But at the same time I feel that I owe the devil his due. My favorite aspect of your story has been --as it will probably always be--Lucifer himself. In short: Voldemort. He seems to be the catalyst lurking behind your every thought and deed, as this story is so clearly built around him and his reality, which is different from most individual's. He is a deluded, self-serving man. No, I can't even call him that. He is a megalomaniacal son-of-a-bitch. Yes. Indeed.

The Unmentionable Incident: An unearthly balance of memory and fresh imagination all at once. We are given a look into Azriel's mind and at the same time we are given an introduction to a strangely familar individual with a hawk-like nose. The novel idea of course being that Snape is and shall always be the two-sided, back-biting, potions-loving git we always took him for.

Personally, I believe that the setting for this so-called "meeting" was rather suitable, as Voldemort always liked his environment to match his . . . Pecularities. I could easily imagine him calling all the Death Eaters in their thread-bare robes to a frigid wasteland just so he could give them all a piece of his mind. He's ridiculously cynical like that.

I do so enjoy when there is actually a scenario that is believable going on in the midst of this scandalous tale. For instance: The fact that the wizards and witches of the Hogwarts Universe would rather think themselves safe in their beds than to imagine a snake-like Voldemort hovering over them with his fiery ruby eyes burning holes into their flesh while his wand would act as an instrument of death, purging the countryside of all mudbloods everywhere; an indulgant fantasy he'd most enjoy, I'm sure.

As for the Auror, she is not your typical OC. She is not, for one, a big-breasted hussie who goes out and screws all the main characters in the series. She has a story of her own which is original, well played, and well thought out. However, let it be noted that at the same time she seems to be a bit wooden in the sense that her personality does not seem clear, exactly. Yes, we get that she is an auror, and that she is obsessed with Voldemort, and that she hates humanity, etc, but what about quirks? I suppose she is eccentric, but beyond that I'm not quite sure what to make of her other than a scarred loony who has daddy issues. Well, I suppose they all start out that way. The best of them, anyways.

The Meeting of The Ants:

Lucius's perspective has been refreshing but at the same time rather disturbing, as we would have never thought that such a powerful aristocratic wizard such as Malfoy senior would infact harbor feelings for the one he serves rather than his pointy-nosed wife Narcissa. It makes sense to an extent in the fashion that Lucius is a man of ambition and is attracted to power. Narcissa is simply an object; an addition to the many fashion statements he has stuffed in his closet to meet the status quo, if you will. But, as we budding psychologists know, the falsehoods lurking behind his thoughts are just so.

Powerful men are often insecure, as they secretly long to be reassured and sometimes even wish to be dominated themselves rather than do the dominating. In this particular case, Lucius is one of those individuals who, upon having pent up his frustrations for years about Voldemort, sees himself as Voldemort's only worthy, and gets particularly envious of our dear Professor Snape, as he has this idea in mind as to how to get Voldemort's attention, if . . .In all the wrong ways. He can only remain favorable for so long, after all.

It is amusing in a way, as he has his own agenda despite the fact that he wants Voldemort to run the show. Paradoxical, in a way. He is a perfectionist and a fool if he thinks he can do the manipulating and be manipulated at the same time.

Ah, your humor proceeds you. Yes, as much as we enjoy the prospect of lust-filled trolls (not really) ravaging Snape's body, we also have an eye for the relationships you seem to be building amongst the Death Eaters.

The competition of Lucius and Snape is rather striking in my mind, yes.

And the punishment instilled upon the poor Narcissa, who will inevitably meet her demise if she is not careful.

I'm not sure that Narcissa would actually cower before him so obviously, as she was never known to be the whiney sort, but I suppose if she were in a panic-induced state, she might be crazed enough to do such a thing for even a spec of mercy. Fear does make you do odd things, after all.

Emotion and description are among your better assets, I do say. Compelling to the point where we could imagine ourselves standing in the same room observing all of this from the sidelines. An interesting prospect.

An Accidental Death:

Actually, upon rereading the third chapter, Sirius was a refreshing aspect of the story, if a bit misplaced.

I'm not sure where you're going with all of this.

I mean, why all the homosexuality? Is this a part of the plot, or just because?

I can't really imagine..Well, maybe I could. It would make sense. That old stereotype where the boys pick on the girls they like..Well, in this case it's a little extreme. But, I did feel as though I had suddenly entered the lands of SiriusxSnape fic, rather than Auror defeating Voldemort fic.

I'm not exactly sure if I like or dislike this, actually. The idea is somewhat wanting.

However, the humorous if somewhat angsty outlook is just what I'd expect when entering the Number 12, Grimmauld Place. After all, there's not much to do when you're an escaped convict confined to your house.

(I particularly liked how demeaning you are to Kreacher, as he's a sod anyways.)

. . . The description of 'fat little nub-like legs started kicking real fast' was oddly reminescent of Major Pain.

Again, is this just a refresher, or is there something to this whole Dobby-must-tell-Sirius thing?

...Ah, the encounter with Snape was brilliant though, I must admit. I mean, could it have gone any worse? Sure, they could have killed each other, but still. Vomiting on his shoes? Gods. I would have died of embarrassment.

Uhm. What the hell is with the lying about Potter though? Just to tic Sirius off? I don't know. I never pictured Snape to be so flippant. "I lied." "Oh." Yeah . . . Well, I guess he would do that in a fashion to squeeze all the juice he could out of Sirius, if you catch my drift. And no, don't think of that in a sick way. I think Snape gets some form of gratification from tormenting Sirius with the bitter notions that he can't do anything about Harry's capture.

' "Dobby got you out of there just in time I'm afraid, otherwise..." his cool eyes shined meaningfully. "Appears everyone's saving your back these days Sirius, even House elves.. tell me, how useless did you feel sitting around day in and day out in your mother's house, knowing that there wasn't a damn thing you could do? " Snape implored gleefully, his tone soft, but underneath that false exterior was an intense spite so great it worried him at times.
Sirius snorted, well aware that snape was baiting him. "I wouldn't have minded really, nothing I couldn't handle."

"Black, I know you're exceedingly slow but do try and not be daft, you wouldn't have lasted two seconds." Snape growled, gazing upon Sirius as if he were a rather foul severed finger twitching on the floor. ' < -- This passage in your tome of Harry Potterness was actually very good. I was surprised you managed to get Sirius's personality so perfectly. I mean, he's not an easy character to portray. He's a conflicted soul, that's for sure.

Oh, have I mentioned your metaphors are simply . . . Godly. I mean. Who could come up with that crap? "...As if he were a rather foul severed finger twitching on the floor." There has to be rule against this sort of thing.

. . . Then there's the whole Dumbledore "coming to save the day". I don't think Dumbledore goes around hitting people in the heads. I mean really. It's just not like him. I would figure maybe he'd come up with a clever spell, or something. Or send them scattering with a jar full of cockroach clusters. Something not so . . . OOC.

And can we say what the hell?' "They got Harry Potter. They got Harry Potter." he sobbed over and over in disbelief, running towards Dumbledore's robes and wrapping his tiny arms about them as tightly as he could, as if somehow by doing this he could be lost in their folds forever. ' This is disturbing. WTF? Why is Dobby acting like he's Dumbledore's butt buddy? "lost in their folds forever?"....This just..I don't know. It's just wrong.

And the death of Narcissa was . . . Oddly exciting yet a little regretful. It was sad the way you made her remember her nature as a mother at the very end. I liked that though. I think Narcissa is a better duelist than that, but okay. I suppose. If you want her to be a whiney weakling, that's your prerogative.

I'm guessing Azriel has no morals, since she used the knife so easily against Narcissa. Though really, I would think that no wizard would engage in such vulgar usage of weaponry unless they absolutely had to. Wands seems the most likely choice.

Nails into Flesh, My Harm into Your Heart:

Well, now at least we can determine what kind of a person the Auror is. She's obviously not your run-of-the-mill sort.

I think it's ironic that her obsession of Voldemort is kind of similar to love in a way, in a very weird, twisted way. And yet she abhors love. So. What does that make her?..Hm.

This chapter is a good insight into her mind, methinks. She's immature. But in a funny way, really.

The historical usage is also very interesting. But why would Voldemort address a letter to her right after Narcissa just was sent to kill her unless he had expected her to fail? Of course, I suppose that would make sense, but then again I would think he'd have a little more patience than just sending a letter after sending Narcissa to the slaughter, to see if there was at least some hope for her.

Again, since he was especially displeased with her, it's no wonder he allowed her to go.

And how would Bellatrix know Narcissa was dead if the Auror had transfigured her corpse into a sock? I don't get it...Unless somehow they had set a time limit for Narcissa and if she didn't return within that time they pronounced her dead. I suppose that would work.

Bellatrix seems a little more inflated than usual...Ego-wise. And a little more insane. She's insane, yes, but maybe not that much? Of course, since she's grieving, it distorts the personality.

Gah. The whole Pettigrew thing...I don't even want to know. WTF?

Pettigrew was very in character, though. If you wanted to know.

...Although I'm not sure why Bellatrix is a tranny. >_>

...Pooter. xD

Well then. Snape again. Jolly good.

Decisions, decisions.

The character interactions are delightfully sinister, yet they also present a sense of poise, in a way. Snape, for one, is of course wonderfully realistic. He somehow can remain calm in a scene of chaos no matter the consequences. It remains no surprise that even though Voldemort caught him off guard, he still managed to save face.

Hm. I wonder why Dumbledore wouldn't let Azriel join the Order? I mean, I wonder what the real reason was. Certainly not because of Moody. God, that reminds me..About how Moody died. D:

But yes. You did make him a little too senile. And what's this crap about him not letting her in because she's too emotionally unstable? I mean, I think Dumbledore is just doing that because she doesn't fit into his plans. The old windbag.

. . .

At any rate, let me continue tomorrow..I need rest.
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From screamguy on December 18, 2007
Oh, but I am, dear Bob, I am. I thank you for a descript review that actually tells me what you enjoyed about my fic, not just things that anyone could say in general. I think you'll like were I am going with this. You know Bob, you and I would make a splendid team to write a dual effort fic, we really should. Perhaps something involving a certain old show that we both are disturbingly obsessed with. cheers.
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From xsuzuakaix on December 17, 2007
I've come to realize that your writing voice incorporates figurative language really well, and yet fancifully sprinkles "morbid" all over -- which is actually good in this case, considering it is one of the key elements that I've seen in this particular chapter.

What I like about your story thus far is the fact that you are IC with the canon characters and you're gradually building on something rather than just shoving it out there. You take the time to explain the circumstances behind why things are happening, and I identify with that.

The only things I would change are minor.

[ Note: Yes, I've finally gotten around to sitting and reading your fic. Be happy. I mean really. ]
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From screamguy on December 06, 2007
Thank you.

I'm painting precariously on a very dark canvas, the story does seem to be dragging me along. Although I confess to elaborate on Voldemort being that I think he is not engulfed in sexual things simply in that his character appears to be more of a sadist who would derive great pleasure from other's pain, he made this evidently clear in the books moreso than the er.... movies.... The torture of a writhing, pathetic creature would be more to his liking than naked flesh . . . unless he was inflicting some sort of irrevocable mental trauma along with the sex that would never disappear. Then perhaps for that sake he might indulge in a bit of this or that. But not lovingly, god no.

You liked that corpses bit eh? It makes me think of 'Hannibal' . . . .

Argh, I hate the holidays, all these little . . . obligations . . . Unfortunately this means I probably won't post in a while, and I could really use the respite ... ah well.

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From PensievePerson on November 27, 2007

I finally found time to read your story. It is flowing nicey, you have a thoughtful and poetic way of writing that i envy a little.
The letter from voldemort was chilling, the corpses are dancing auror! Ha ha!
Narcissa
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From screamguy on July 02, 2007
You better write more, Megabyte...D: Or I'll kill you.

Yes, this is Bob capturing your account for the purpose of reviewing. You always complain how no body likes to review your fics, but HAH! I'm doing it. So there. Take that.

All I can say is props for keeping Voldemort exquisitely like his evil wantonly sadistic self, and making Lucius act like the whiney little whore that he is. x3 Personally, I think Azriel is your best female character yet. And you know as well as I that we've each seen a lot of your female characters. In the meantime, consider putting more humor...>>; I liked the various descriptive paragraphs where you demeaned someone..or something..they were amusing. Of course, only I can appreciate the full genius of it.

-- Bob

P.S. WRITE MORE. OR ELSE!!!
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From ANON - Esmerelda on December 16, 2005
I really liked your first chappie. I don't normally read stuff about Voldemort, but the summary and title were intriguing. Your command was my wish, I reviewed, so now write more!!!
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