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Reviews for The Plot

By : xxStardanicAxx
  • From JaceDamian23 on February 02, 2008
    please email me with th eurl when you post this again
    Chrisbra3@hotmail.com
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  • From ANON - lemonade on July 19, 2006
    *Sigh* please take the comments I give in the spirit of goodwill. I am trying to give you some concrit, and I applaud you for taking the risk of putting your stuff out here. Some of your ideas are top notch, but I am able to see from the outside and I intend anything said to help you with your writing.

    CHAP 1
    Well, you have a pretty interesting plot frame worked out, and I do see potential, but there are lots of things glossed over that were pretty key to the entire story. You spent a lot of paragraphs in the first chapter rehashing the first 5 books- going as far as saying that (book 2) being turned into a cat, petrified and Harry killing a basilisk was boring. (!!) You could have spent a paragraph or two describing how she felt about her school years instead of giving cliff's notes to people who have probably read the books more than once. Yes, we needed to know how the war ended in your universe, but you put in so many things that didn't serve your story that it overwhelmed Hermione's plight.

    First, you needed to establish (how old she was) and where she was staying, since her location was pretty vital to her attacks. I had to go through quite a bit of information before I found out that she was staying in some manor with Ron and Harry and not Hogwarts, the burrow or Grimmauld place. We don't know anything about their social lives, who is dating who, how they decided to live together, who they see from canon (it would add to the mystery to have many suspects), who is alive and dead, the social climate (if they felt safe enough to have no protection or wards)or even what jobs they have. There is no real setup for the universe you are putting them in, and your story would be better if we had that frame of reference before you got to the meat of it.

    Right out of the gate, (after listing the events in all of the books) you have Hermione being viciously beaten. But immediately after her friends found her, not only did she *not* go to St.Mungos, but she ends up holing up in the place that she was brutalized. That makes no sense, because she would not feel safe in that environment and would probably be too freaked out to even go IN that room, much less the house. There was also no mention of contacting aurors or authorities of any kind. They just blew off the fact that she was beaten so badly that her entire body swelled. I think that it is inconceivable that they knew she was being horribly beaten every night, and the only help they offered was to flip a coin on who would sleep in her room. SLEEPING-not doing guard duty or calling in the order to investigate. I'll skip over the fact that the thing going through my mind is that her two best friends don't care enough about her to seek medical and police help after the very first attack. But the whole reason they blew her off after the first time was that they thought it was an isolated, one-time attack! When they had confirmation that she was being targeted repeatedly all we got was a brief mention of them trying to put up some traps for the attacker. Having this tagged on later like an afterthought isn't going to be enough- you need to elaborate on the steps they took to protect her, and if they didn't- why. When you had her say "I hated myself for putting up with the torture, but every time I moved the acts were more violent and more painful. I plotted out plans all of which failed." I was thinking "what plans? Do we get to see any?" It read like she didn't try to protect herself at all, simply because there was nothing written except for Ron's one attempt to spend the night in her room.

    The information you put at the beginning of chapter two should have either been at the beginning of chapter one or should have been elaborated on a bit more. How can her friends go dating when someone they are living with is being beaten beyond all recognition in their very house NIGHTLY? It might be a little different if she wasn't actually living with them, but she is. You needed to establish why we shouldn't hate these two callous idiots. They seem too unconcerned about the torture of a loved one.

    The suicide attempt was understandable, I can sympathize how she wouldn't want to live like that. But I was unclear as to what "please understand that this torture is affecting me in ways I have never known" is supposed to mean. What ways? Was it worse than the war? Was she mentally unable to withstand it and her friends' apathy? The problem is you don't explore how she feels, what she goes through, or even show us her desperation-- you just kind of mention it. You have to bring it out of her, not just say she was. The suicide was decided upon and carried out in just a paragraph with no lead up to the increase of desperation that would prompt suicide. You have her enduring this ordeal with barely any emotion that we can detect. Show us what she thinks about the key plot details unless you just HAVE to hide them. We need to hear all about who she suspects, who would hold a grudge, if it could be death eaters, all of it.


    Her inability to escape this nightmarish person is a very good (and terrifying) plot device. If you wanted her to be isolated with the abuse, you should have given me something plotwise that I could latch onto that would make it make sense. I can't see her just accepting abuse without a really good reason. And the funeral confused me, too. You had Harry say "I knew of the torture, but I didn
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  • From ANON - lulu on July 11, 2006
    kick ass chapters. very cool
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  • From Magzie on July 10, 2006
    Hey, this is startin out pretty good, Keep writing and who is it? Your not giving many clues are you? I hope you update often!
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