Click Here!

Reviews for Hermione's Detour

By : lpicw
  • From ANON - Jade on November 30, 2006
    First thought... get a beta reader who will catch your mistakes. No offense to your current one, but they let an amazing amount of things slip by (plot holes, improper grammar, constantly changing tenses, etc...).

    As for the story... I felt it was very disjointed. Maybe it's just me, but if some guy raped me, made me agree to something while I was tied up and in pain (which I very much doubt Hermione would *ever* agree to, in pain or not), then allowed a house elf to torture me, my first thought wouldn't be "Oooh, I hope I please him when he gets back!"
    It seemed very out of place that Hermione suddenly "loved" her master and wanted to please him after all of the crap he'd done to her... I thought maybe you'd explain that by way of the potion the elf made her drink, but no, apparently she just had a very quick change of heart about her master. Then she finds out her "master" is Draco Malfoy, someone she absolutely despises in the books. This still doesn't change her feelings for him. Huh.

    And then the end of the slave part... suddenly Lucius is there all evil and rape-happy, then he's dead. Draco's suddenly all nice, protective, and feel nothing for killing his father, only love for Hermione (who he still called "mudblood" in the first chapter). Then other wizards arrive, and Draco (one of the main characters) is dead. All in the space of a paragraph or so. BAM! BAM! BAM!
    It felt extremely rushed and thrown together. And if Lucius told the cops (so to speak) and knew other wizards were coming, then why did he think he'd have time to rape Hermione? Eh, it was just rather strange. Again, seemed thrown together.

    The end in general also seemed rushed, though I don't have much to say about it, except when is this set? If it's while they're still in school (which I'm guessing, since Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall were called in), why were her parents not also called in when they found her? Muggles or not, I'd assume it'd be pretty dang important to let them know their daughter had been kidnapped, raped, and tortured. That was off-putting to me. And why was Snape (a teacher she, Harry and Ron are all known to hate) chosen as the one to obliviate her memory? I'd think her own Head of House would have been the best person for the job there (since Hermione seems to be rather fond of McGonagall in the books).

    So yeah, I didn't care much for it. Had there been some explanation for Hermione's sudden love for her master (Stockholm syndrome, anyone?) and vice-versa, less torture with the house elf, and better beta reading, I might have found it mildly enjoyable, but as it is, I too am wondering if you're of age to be contributing to this site.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Redlightspin on October 15, 2006
    co coo
    Report Review

  • From ANON - ^_^ on October 10, 2006
    Damn it. why? why? i want the rest!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Samantha [not signed in] on October 09, 2006
    aww, thats so sweet
    i love it!
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Michelle on October 03, 2006
    I only want to give you constructive criticism. I really liked your first chapter, but throughout the chapters you didn't stay true to your characters. How can Draco suddenly be so soft and gentle towards her? I think in the first chapter you made it clear about the BDSM relationship they had. Also, I appreciate you trying to add a plot into your story to liven things up, but it didn't really work out. The 'obliviate' plot reminded me of another recent story with Dr/Hr as well. You might know which one I'm talking about. I'm not saying you copied or anything and at least you made the plot yours. I dislike the way you have so much elf scenes in, it's torture all the way through. You constantly update with very short chapters which is quite annoying, those chapters are 1/4 of what I would expect in a proper chapter. If this is to boost your page views and maintain your readers, then I think you should cut it out.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - LCDrusilla on October 02, 2006
    Don't like it. Sorry but I'm being honest. You just sort of start out in the middle of something with little introduction to the plot but if you were going fo PWP then you achieved the brass ring.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - JW on October 02, 2006
    Ch 12 - is this the end of the story?
    Report Review

  • From ANON - nikki on September 30, 2006
    way to end such a wonderful story in such a horrible way. please, make a new ending
    Report Review

  • From ANON - ^_^ on September 26, 2006
    WOW!!!! i didn't see that coming. WHAT HAPPENS?!?!?!?!
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Anon on September 26, 2006
    Okay, I understand about the desire to edit. But the I don't have time thing doesn't work. WAIT. Wait until you do have time to post something that you're happy with, and NOT because of the reposts - because you should always post your best work. I would never post before ironing out the kinks in a chapter and doing several edits. Don't always have your work with you? Fine - WAIT until you do. Seriously, just wait. Honestly, the reposts don't bother me personally, but the sloppy writing does. Proofread before you post. What's the point of getting it posted faster if it isn't your best?

    Also, is this the end of the story? It was an interesting idea, but there was no continuity. What made Hermione suddenly love Draco? There was no transition, no gradual awakening of feelings, no catalyst, which made it sort of unbelievable. Regardless of whether this is the end or not, if you do write another version - PLEASE consider longer chapters. Some character development, more interaction - just give your characters motivation and substance.

    I think you've got a lot of great ideas - just spend a little more time polishing them and you'll be a great writer.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - rayn on September 25, 2006
    is this the end? ohh i hope not! :::starts sobbing hysterically::: have draco come back! :: wispers:: please
    Report Review

  • From ANON - sexy on September 25, 2006
    very hot
    Report Review

  • From ANON - ^_^ on September 20, 2006
    what!??!?!.
    where is all the good stuff.*frown* i was hoping for a read with 10 (x). *frown again*
    i want to know what happens. ^_^
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Mandy on September 20, 2006
    I like this story,I agree you should make your chapters longer and i'm glad that Draco has returned.Please update soon :-)
    Report Review

  • From ANON - RD Wind on September 18, 2006
    You have the coolest story -- but the length of your chapters are ridiculous. I'll either have to abandon your story or wait until you get the 6,000th one written so it will take more than three minutes to read.

    Write the story... and make the chapters long enough to enjoy...

    --RD
    Report Review

T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!