Click Here!

Reviews for Lies

By : lexi1498
  • From Persy on June 22, 2021

    Rest of it, pkease!!!??,


    Report Review

  • From chrisdavis on May 21, 2009
    i am really liking the premise of this story and i would really like to see an update soon! And i can also say that i got my way with my husband too. He wanted only two kids, but i wanted three. When we found out i was pregnant the second time, it turned out to be twin boys!lol
    Report Review

  • From catysmom1028 on October 11, 2008
    I like it. Please update soon.

    Report Review

  • From hermioneandseverusfan82 on May 03, 2008
    i love this story i hope you update soon
    Report Review

  • From ElementalDemonessSorceress on April 22, 2008
    I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?
    Report Review

  • From phoenixrhapsodyv3 on April 18, 2008
    Ah... this is interesting. Firstly, I just want to say that my first review seemed very harsh, but I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I truly appreciate this story, but there are alot of imrovements that you need to make. If you are going to redesign the characters, that's fine, but you must still give them believable lines. It just seems... painfully mechanical, because the writing is so disjointed. Despite it all, I still find this story to be so intruiging. Don't stop here. I really want to know what happens! And twins! Good grief! lol
    Report Review

  • From phoenixrhapsodyv3 on April 17, 2008
    You committed my number one writing pet peeve over and over and over again. For example when you wrote:

    "'Hermione are you ok?' When she just nodded he sat down next to her, put his hand under her chin and tilted her head to look at him.

    "'I will be fine Severus.'

    "'I kind of doubt that Hermione. You had a huge shock tonight and surprisingly I want to help you.'

    In this example, there are two issues. Number one, you use language in an unnatural way. Who, in conversation speaks without contractions except a California Valley Girl? And even they use contractions. Number two, you had each character use each other's names obsessively. "'HERMIONE, are you okay?'" then, "'I will be fine SEVERUS.'" followed by, "'I kind of doubt that HERMIONE.'" Overall, the dialogue is very, very forced. I suggest reading your chapter through from quote to quote and pruning it to sound realistic.

    It also doesn't help that neither Snape nor Hermione seem very convincing to me. The plot also seems forced and rushed. I am still intrigued by the premise, and will continue reading another chapter. Good luck.
    Report Review

  • From ElementalDemonessSorceress on April 17, 2008
    I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?
    Report Review

  • From doodle on April 16, 2008
    Congrats on your double blessing. I like this story enough to finally register so I could review it. Your comment about how Hermione seems to end up pregnant struck a chord with me. Of the 12 stories I've written (but not published) Hermione always ends up with child. Interesting?
    Keep writing & I'll keep reading
    Doodle
    Report Review

  • From Lauriurix on April 16, 2008
    uhmm (:

    me likes

    wanna read more (:
    Report Review

  • From wicraven on April 16, 2008
    Great post, love the story, can't wait until you post again, so please post again soon. Thanks.
    Report Review

  • From Heidi191976 on April 16, 2008
    Excellent. I think that Severus was wrong to force her to marry him the way he did. If he truly cares about the babies then he needs to behave better towards Hermione because stress isn't good for pregnant women. She will have to start eating better soon if she wants a healthy pregnancy though. I can't wait for the next chapter.
    Report Review

  • From soldiersgirl0709 on April 16, 2008
    hello, number one let me congratulate you on the twins, I have 3 children myself...may have one more eventually, I like even numbers LOL

    I am notoriously bad about leaving reviews, I dont mean to be, but I am getting better LOL

    So onto the story....I am going to second CharlotteBlack in that it is a good story, but it is seeming very rushed. Believe me, I understand the fear that if you dont hurry and get it down you will lose it, so dont take this as a flame, just constructive criticism and helpful advice meant in good spirit. truth is if I didnt think you had potential I wouldnt bother leaving the review. There has been alot of plot put into 5 chapters, the adoption, the sex, the babies the marriage...it is going to take alot of work to tie them all up, but I have no doubts you can do it, just perhaps slow down a bit, give a little more insight into what is going on.


    I look forward to seeing how you progress, luv. Congrats again on the babies.


    Happy Writing!
    SG
    Report Review

  • From catysmom1028 on April 16, 2008
    I like it. Please update soon.

    Report Review

  • From CharlotteBlack on April 16, 2008
    I hope you don't take this the wrong way, because I really think you are writing okay. The piece of constructive criticism that I would just like to share is that perhaps you are pushing too many ideas into the one story too quickly. You've picked up on some really great plot lines that can definately make a good story but your rushing through things very quickly without much character devolpment sanf jujdy packing to much into it. I think you just need practice, good luck!
    Report Review

T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!