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Reviews for Brick

By : CanadianGinger
  • From ANON - morningstar451 on October 24, 2010
    OY! You can't end the story like that!! It was so well written and such a good story line! *starts to sob* update... please... I beg you!
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  • From Jilliane on August 15, 2008


    First of, let me say that I really like the premise to your story, it has the potential for a real angst-fest, but I think you should have delved deeper into the emotionality and the feelings aspect of it. You don't say if this is a oneshot, or a WIP, so maybe you're saving that for possible later chapters? Also, it's not quite clear which "verse" this is set in. The fact that Severus is driving a car, living outside of Hogwarts, that he goes to a pawn shop, etc., would make it seem it's the non-magic world, yet he takes Harry to get an abortion, so it must be in the magical world since it's a man who's pregnant. It's a bit confusing.

    I hope you don't take what I've said above as flaming, because I certainly don't mean it that way. As I've said, I love the premise of the story, it's a theme I've considered myself (and may still do!), and I'm certainly not saying your writing is bad, because it very definitely isn't. I like this story, I like what you have of it so far, but I do feel that it would benefit from some clarification as to the setting, as well as some expansion as to the feelings and emotions of both Severus and Harry. I also think that some clarification as to their relationship would be nice. You've left it rather ambiguous actually. You haven't come right out and said, so it's not clear, as to whether or not the child was Severus', so I'm wondering about that as well. All in all, I love the story, like your writing, but the chapter feels incomplete, not as in cliffhanger, but as in unfinished. Again, perhaps you're saving it all for possible future chapters, but nothing in the chapter makes me think you were going to go further with it, which adds to the incomplete feeling. I think this story has tons of potential, and I hope you will go further with this, I'm looking forward to reading more if you do!
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  • From SickPuppy on August 15, 2008
    Hiya, as it's your first story, I want to be helpful, but am aware how hard criticsim is to take, even when well meant.

    Firstly, I liked the concept - very much - as I can see an awful lot of possibilities to play with there.

    The following, I think, need developing:

    From your pen-name it seems likely you're not English. In which case, please get someone to Britpick it for you! I am British and spotted three Americanisms. Now, it could be that the story is set in America, as it is not said, which leads me to my next idea:

    An angsty story (which, lets face it, this is!) needs grounding in emotions and in its setting. is this a magcial or non-magical world? Severus drives, but Harry gets an abortion. The two seem at odds. Also, the idea of Severus driving seems a little odd if this is a magical world - why would he need to? If it isn't a magical world how does a man have an abortion without the press being told?!

    As to emotions - why does Harry have the abortion? If he loves Severus and Severus loves him, what is stopping him keeping the child? Without these things being explained the story can feel incomplete. There is nothing wrong with keeping facts from your reader - I do it all the time - but you need to help them walk in your characters' shoes, which means allowing us into their heads a little more than is done.

    Ok, technical stuff (sorry, this is kinda relentless!) - some typos - which isn't a problem, changing tenses is though! Please proof-read, or get it beta'd, there are plenty on AFF who will beta.

    I want to encourage you to keep writing - this is a good concept, and so much more could be done with it!

    Feel free to email me if you want details of the Britpick problems or anything else - thispuppyissick@yahoo.co.uk (all you reviewers who disagree with me, please don't bother flaming me on email, I'll just ignore you, I want to help the author improve.) SP
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  • From Hambares on August 15, 2008
    How sad! That is evil!
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  • From dmnchld13 on August 15, 2008
    That was heartbreaking. You did well with the writing, though. ::MV::
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