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Reviews for Rescue Me

By : h0mgitsyou
  • From RogueMudblood on January 09, 2012

    I'm going to be very frank - please take this criticism as it is intended- to help you improve upon your craft.

    You have a typo and a tense issue: But you are scary many and and then turn back that immediately caught my eye. More important to your story is that you have a continuity issue: She's almost seventeen, but her parents died the day she turned eight, nearly ten years ago. The math doesn't work.

    Please use the spell check function in your word processor. Failing that (if you don't think it has the word in its dictionary), please go to Google and type the word in. Lenient, not leinant.

    "Sadly she was also just like many of the Slytherins"

    Frankly, I find it somewhat depressing to read that line in a story about Severus Snape. As he's your protagonist, it doesn't bode well for me as a reader. The inclusion of that line in your prose immediately indicates that your Severus will be extremely out of character as you try to make him fit a more Gryffindor shell. Having Slytherin qualities is not necessarily negative; the art of manipulation can be used for benefitting someone other than the manipulator. For an example, watch the TV Series "White Collar."

    I do not ever see Albus Dumbledore using the word "getup."

    I stopped reading after Albus' monologue to Fawkes. Chelsea appears to be a classic self-insertion character. Our introduction to her is that she is classically beautiful and has no qualms displaying her physical attributes. While Severus may not like her at their first encounter, he is also far softer with her than with any other in the past.

    If you were to continue this piece, I would suggest outlining Chelsea as a character: who do you want her to be? Then I would suggest outlining the events of the story - where do you want this to go (besides the two of them hopping into bed at some point)? I would also suggest trying to keep Severus more true-to-character. It might help you to write him more accurately if, when writing him, you attempt to shed preconceived ideas regarding Slytherins. They are meant to be the darker aspects we don't wish to have under scrutiny that often, but those darker elements are not always negative (lust, for example).
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