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Reviews for The Unthinkable Love Story

By : kaylinslytherin
  • From Gemmedeglace on January 04, 2010
    Hmm. I got up to chapter nine before writing this and while the idea behind it is good I'm coming up against a few things that are rubbing me the wrong way. Please, don't take this as a flame, you've got some promise here but it's unfortunately obscured by some very common fanfiction mistakes.

    First, your structure seems a little erratic and as a result I wasn't following your plot very well. Perhaps it coalesces in the later hapters but at the moment it jumps around a bit. I like that you've done it both from Kaylin and Malfoy's perspectives, however it's sometimes unclear who we're hearing from at the time. Also, your paragraphs are very abrupt and not explained as well as they could be. There's no description of setting, time or atmosphere and facts about the character and the plot are thrown at you one after the other without any kind of context. It may be boring, and we don't want a Tolkein-esque description that lasts ten pages and describes every muscle tensing and relaxing as the character goes to take a step, but without some background your story seems stilted and hard to read.

    I hope I'm not being too harsh, but Kaylin could also do with some changing. Have you ever heard of the Mary Sue Litmus Test? It's not always accurate, but whenever I make a character I always put it to the test, in case I've gotten carried away and made my character too unbelievable or cliched. I love the fact that she's a heinous bitch and you've said outright "she's a heinous bitch" because it's refreshing to have a character that isn't always in the right and universally beloved. That being said, some elements of her character are a little too much. I know it's so tempting to make your original character this really amazing person with all of these gifts and talents and angsts(You should have seen my first Harry Potter OC. She was a water nymph. What the hell, right?) and generally make her stand out but you have to rein yourself in pretty tight. For instance, Kaylin is a direct heir to Slytherin - though Voldemort claims he is the only heir - and a Parseltongue - something really, really rare in the wizarding world - and a very high level death eater at a very young age AND a legilimens of incredible power AND apparently clairvoyant AND suffering from the loss of her mother. It's all a little bit much and she has no real weaknesses to balance it. Also, the conflicts with the canon to weave your character into the story more fully aren't really neccesary and may put off some readers. You can still have her as a major character without being the driving force behind everything. In many ways she seems to be replacing Snape as Malfoy's mentor rather than forging her own place as a character. Instead, why not have her unaware of Malfoy's plans but highly suspicious, to the point where she's on the verge of discovery and confronts him when the poison strikes in chapter eight or something like that?

    The romance is pretty good, not as sudden and sickening as I've seen. Thank god you have the good sense not to have them jump in to bed together by chapter three. I like how they're both very confused and even in denial about their feelings, I think that's very true to the way Malfoy woul react to finding himself drawn to someone he was sure he hated.

    All in all, this has a lot of promise but is let down by some mistakes that I think are pretty much universal to someone just starting out writing fanfics, which means with some editing and tweaking this could be a fun story. I hope I haven't offended you or made you upset.

    Dessie
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