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Reviews for Takes My Breath

By : drkgth69
  • From RogueMudblood on January 27, 2012

    My first suggestion is for you to get a good beta. Certainly one that can help with issues of punctuation. You can peruse the forum for those offering their services here:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    An example of what I mean:

    But no the face surrounding the eyes were not snakelike.

    should be

    But, no, the face surrounding the eyes was not snakelike.

    As your description is of the face, and not the eyes, your verb is singular in conjugation.

    I would also point out to you that punctuation is needed here:

    Red rimmed avada green eyes watched

    I would suggest

    Red-rimmed avada-green eyes watched

    Otherwise, it looks too convoluted.


    I appreciate very much that you labelled this OOC. I would like to point out to you, though, that making Harry god-like can very quickly send you spiraling down the well of Gary Stu. I would be wary of making a character so strong this quickly in your story; having him start out as a god means that he either a) has nowhere to go and will remain static throughout, or b) will have a devastating fall where he does something inexcusable - the action being, of course, a result of his complacency because he is omnipotent.

    I did find great humor in your making Caius a Malfoy. Should you choose to continue the story, I would be intrigued to see how that would affect the history of the Malfoy family, and their interactions with the muggle world. After all, Caius would have been outside the wizarding world, and the way that you have him react to Harry's name indicates that he has some contact with it. This leads me to conclude that he has been in touch with his kin.

    Given the arrogance you've bestowed upon Harry, I would put this story at The Order of the Phoenix, as far as timeline. I am curious as to how you would intend to have Harry re-enter the wizarding world to defeat Voldemort, should you choose to write more. Surely he remembers, though he has been turned, that he needs to save the rest of his kind.

    You've started off with a decent idea for an adventure plot. I'd be intrigued to see it continue.

    Happy writing!
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