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Reviews for Future Perfect

By : aaliyah1963
  • From xmenfreak119 on November 07, 2010
    *melts into a gooie puddle* Enough said. LOL! Please more!!!!!!!!!
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  • From CodyMThomas on October 31, 2010
    You said you wanted constructive criticism, alright, I am willing to do that for any author who asks, but just to warn you, I'm realistic about it. When asked for criticism I treat a piece of fanfiction exactly as I would a piece that was all your own work. So it may come across a bit harsh, but I'm just trying to be honest.

    So here we go, I did like your story, but here's some ways I think you can improve it.


    I found it rather unbelievable that Snape wouldn't share either dinner or even a drink with Harry, but was willing to ask Harry to remove clothing, which then led to very hot sex and declarations of love. That doesn't quite seem like something that would happen either in reality or that Snape would do.

    Your lemon was definitely quite good and kept the reader involved. The sex talk at the beginning was very arousing, hot, and I loved it. But by the middle of the piece it was starting to sound a bit forced, and by the end it really seemed fake. Unless needed in the appropriate Scene, you don't have to have someone asking permission for every move, and it didn't work right in this one, not all the way through.

    But you DID have them change positions and didn't stick to the old and worn out formula of 'blowjob, 1-2-3 finger stretch, 2 paragraphs of banging and then coming together' So you get extra points for that. Keep doing that, there are tons of positions 2 men can get up to together, see how many different ones you can use while staying away from that formula trap that so many others fall into.

    Since you are just starting with writing m/m scenes, I am going to give you 2 very valuable pieces of advice:

    1) Men react differently than women to emotions and expressing their feelings, in fact they normally don't express their feelings very often, if at all unless pushed to. If you have done your share of dating you probably know what I'm talking about. My friend came up with a phrase for what happens when female writers write male characters without making them react in 'male' ways; "Chicks with dicks". This fic almost hit that point at the end right at the part Harry started declaring his love for Snape. In fact it's so borderline, it may as well be. You have to be careful of that one, it will sneak up on you every time. You have to distance yourself from the way YOU would react to something and how a male character that you are developing would react to something. We'll take the example of 'I love you' since it is a very easy one to do this with. If someone says this to these characters, these are probably very canonical ways they would react:

    Harry probably still even at this age would blush and lose the ability to say anything besides 'thanks', since he's not used having physical contact or love. If he tried to say it to someone else he would most likely lose the ability to speak in complete sentences. Once he had actually gotten used to the relationship he'd probably be very affectionate.

    Snape would most likely NOT react, or just look at the person either with a raised eyebrow or like they had gone mad. If someone had managed to actually get through his walls and barriers, and become firmly implanted in his heart, he MIGHT say it, but very rarely, normally the other would say it first and then he'd reply 'you too' or such.

    Dumbledore would twinkle and be very happy about it, Moody would just grunt and change the subject, Lupin would be smiling and would be rather open about his feelings, young Sirius would be the same, older Sirius would be darker more guarded with his heart and far more inclined to have casual sex than lasting relationships.

    The point is they would all react differently. Keep that in mind, not just how you would want someone to react to what is going on. Especially with male characters. It will help you keep your characters IN Character.

    2) Research the prostate. Medically, not just what you are reading in other people's stories, because I guarantee they haven't researched it either. The prostate is an organ, not a 'bundle of nerves' like you will read in a ton of fics. (and thank you for not doing that, it's a pet peeve of mine.) It is able to be stimulated from both inside and outside the body, only boys have it since it produces seminal fluid or 'precome', (read a fic once where a girl getting anal had her prostate hit and I about laughed myself to death) it can be stimulated from about 2 inches inside the Rectum, and is very sensitive, about as sensitive as the clitoris on a woman, and judging by your penname, I'm gonna guess that you are a woman. So think about it, except in an appropriate BDSM scene, would you really want something slamming into your clitoris with any kind of force, let alone repetitively? It also takes a certain angle to get to. curved phalluses with the person on their hands and knees works best.

    Realism in your writing will get you so much further than other writers. Every writer has to do research, it's an unavoidable fact, so make sure you do yours too. Reading Male erotica written by men will help you understand the male mindset and what they consider erotic or arousing better.

    For your first fanfic this was a very good one. And you have a very good start with a promise of even better writing in the future. If you are a good writer your writing will develop further, until looking back a few years from now, you might read this and absolutely hate how you wrote it. I know I can't even bear to read most of my older work. I look forward to reading more from you, and you might also want to think about getting a beta to help you edit punctuation.


    So there's my con-crit, I hope it helps you. I'll be checking back with you.

    P.S. you posted this story twice.

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  • From Faletta on October 30, 2010
    That was so hot. I wish it was a little more of a story behind it.
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