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Reviews for The One Who Saves Him

By : annonene
  • From ChaosLady on June 13, 2011
    Okay. There was a lot of typos, grammar mistakes and spelling errors. But other than that the chapter was really good. You really need a beta reader. So the rest of my review will be how I treat other authors I beta for.YOU WERE WARNED.

    In the sentence after the second quotation marks it should be 'doorway' not 'doo way'. In the 5th quotation after the 3rd paragraph it should be 'considered' not 'continued'.After paragraph 3 right, after the 12th quotation; there shouldn't be quotation marks in the 13th sentence. There should also be an 'on' after 'back'. In 22nd quotation the sentence right after should be either a few '..' after 'him' or the sentence needs to be changed to:"This idiot needs to be near him". 24th quotation the 'i' need to be capitalized. 4th paragraph, 2nd sentence: it should be 'first' not 'fist' and missing the 'r' in her and in the 3rd sentence too. 8th quotation after the 4th paragraph:there should be an 'it' after 'over'. Last quotation:'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named should be capitalized.

    Also in most of the conversational quotations; it was a little confusing to discern who was talking. In some cases I had no clue who was talking to whom. So you need to go back and explicitly say who was talking, THEN, write the others reactions, in another paragraph.
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  • From SParker on June 13, 2011
    about #4 [or whatever number you got listed up there]

    You know I don't think I've read a Veela story in a
    long time where Harry fights to the death for independence
    & the right to choose what he wants.

    Let's see how you do.
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  • From bloodshound on June 13, 2011
    Heh. Thought so... even if Draco uses the 'couldn't resist' excuse, he didn't evven try. If he'd gone to harry and explained Harry would probably have given him a chance. He's not the sort to just let someone die if he can help... though thinking Slyth i can understand why Draco wouldn't want to risk it.
    Still... 'Harry's gunna be piiissed' *best sing-song voice.
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  • From LadySesshoumaru on June 13, 2011
    I really like this story but i have a few things to suggest well 1st: you might want to fix your disclamer to state that "I don't own Harry Potter, and I don't make any money off of this story" becuase if you don't the admin may just hide your story until it is fixed and i would hate to see that happen..2nd i would also suggest getting a beta to help you with the grammer and some times the spelling...and also help you to differentiate whose talking at what time..just so we as the readers can enjoy your wonderful story more...thanxz for sharing your creativity with us.
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  • From ChaosLady on June 11, 2011
    Okay. You wanted up to spot grammar mistakes so here goes: In the second paragraph; third sentence, you need the word 'about' before 'the torque' and an 'around' after it.

    In the third to last paragraph, before the quote"Shut up, Weasel King.." in the third sentence: 'wads' should be 'was'.

    Other than that it was good. Keep updating.
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  • From bloodshound on June 11, 2011
    ut oh... Harry is NOT going to be happy about this. No one likes being forced and Harry especially has control issues. It's very much like being raped. If Draco had explained his sitch... or even asked... Silly Snake. It's understandable maybe with his world view but this is sooooo going to bite him in the arse.
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  • From bloodshound on June 11, 2011
    woooooooooow. Plastered much. He's soooooooooo gunna be kicking himself come morning. kukuku.
    what will Draco do, be a gent or take advantage. Ohhhhhhhhh the possiblilites. *smirk.
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  • From themaidenlyra on June 11, 2011
    Yummy! Hope you update again soon. Awsome start btw.



    All my love The Maiden Lyra
    maiden6of6the6dark@yahoo.com
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  • From ChaosLady on June 11, 2011
    Nice start.
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