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Reviews for Amy Narcissa Malfoy

By : dutchgirl1
  • From CafeAuLait on August 30, 2011
    I like the idea of this story, but you could use a beta and I don't just mean for the grammar. There is necessary description and unnecessary description and you have a lot of unnecessary description which takes away from the flow of the story. The reader doesn't need to know every single detail of Hermione's morning toilet; however, if you feel the need to write every little detail then you need to get the character's feelings and senses more involved in the scene.

    There is a saying, 'show and not tell', you're telling more than showing.

    Below are a few websites which discuss about 'show' vs 'tell'. I hope they help you, they were certainly and eye opener for me. LOL

    http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/
    http://foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show_not_tell.html





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  • From ANON - ice on August 29, 2011
    you messed up on chapter 5 you messed with harry'S character harry is the one person in the world that would not care for the simple fact he knows what its like to not have parents sure he might need time to get use to it but he would never leave her or ron cuase he has so few friends already you need to fix chapter five especially as you said in chapter 2 that harry would probably understand and support her which is right especially after the war and the help Narcissa Malfoy helped in the war and draco did not fight them or become a death eater and this whole time you have made it look like they would get together from chapter 2 through 4 you cant just change that half way through your story please make it right
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  • From victoriawhitten on August 29, 2011
    Hi :) I really like this story and I'm excited to see where you'll go with it. I was really surprised at Harry's reaction but I think that makes your story more interesting, with Ron being able to look past his hatred of the Malfoys to support Hermione. I'm hoping to see Draco maybe confront Harry on behalf of his sister at a later point... personally I think Harry could do with a nice punch to the face. I can't wait to see what happens next!
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  • From ANON - voldemortsworstenemy on August 27, 2011
    I was hesitant to read this, as I don't tend to read any fic that is a WIP, but I'm beginning to run out of fanfics that I'll read (well, in the ship categories I like, but that's neither here nor there), and I saw this. This type of fanfic is one of my favorite types to read, so I was all on this.

    And let me say that for someone who doesn't speak English natively, your English is really good. I've read some fanfics by people who've been speaking and writing English all their lives and it is horrid. So, yay!

    Personally, if you're going to change Hermione's house, I think that she'd be in Ravenclaw if not Gryffindor. But its ultimately not my choice, so...yeah.
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  • From Samibear on August 24, 2011
    She should stay a griffendor, what made her that is her bravery, and stuff. If not then she could be a ravenclaw but I could never see her as a snake!! Lol other then that I like it. It just feels like its moving slow. Like I'm just alittle bored. But I love the concept. Hermione a Malfoy!!!
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  • From newtothis on August 24, 2011
    why it is a intresting story, funny how hermoen think the boys are going to judge her, and they dont care about her when they do, i have to ask who is the couple going to be. hope ron and hermoine
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  • From xoburntofferingsxo on August 24, 2011
    I love it! I can't wait for the next chapter.
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  • From newtothis on August 15, 2011
    good, if looking for ideas, have draco me nice to ron and harry, please dont have ron a jerk again, it get old, and let harry adn ron have the power to deal with draco dad, so he has to make a chooice lose his daughter or lose his life.


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  • From ANON - Michael on August 14, 2011
    I love this story so far, it is so well handled, but I do believe she would get a little more freaked out when it fully hits her. And of course you could so have Ron end up being a dick and breaking up with her.
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  • From CafeAuLait on August 10, 2011
    The concept is interesting but the chapter felt rushed. This is the type of story that needs to have a certain amount of emotional depth and a tight plot. There a lot of questions that needed to be answered with forethought and planning. I hope you can succeed.

    btw, you could use a beta.


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  • From emhamrick16 on August 10, 2011
    I love the idea for this story :) quick question...does Hermione have a glamor over her or is her appearance going to be different from Draco's? Can't wait for the next chapter :)
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  • From newtothis on August 10, 2011
    you could do somethink different and have ron be the good one and harry be the jerk.
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  • From purefaith91 on August 10, 2011
    Very good start. Can't wait to see where you take this. I had a friend like Ron that would decide who and what I should have in my life. Luckily, I did not have to deal with a Harry that was always defending (in spite of it all, I usually did the defending). Knowing that the Malfoys share a similar background through magic, it would be a shame for Hermione to go to them too quickly and leave those who took care of her and loved her behind. Looking forward to more. p
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