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Reviews for Happy Birthday

By : IsysSkeeter
  • From Danyealle on August 15, 2012

    I adored this fic and the idea, really I did! It was a great concept! That being said, though, there are a few issues that I feel I should point out.



    In the first paragraph, the second sentence, you are doing something quite common that we see a lot; a run-on sentence. It tends to show up quite a bit, actually, the rest of the fic as well. The description in the second sentence, really, is wonderful. It gives a great many details that make you feel as though you can see the scene but it would be better off divided into, probably, three sentences rather than just one. It would make it far easier to read if you did that and make it to where it would draw you in more. When you use a lot of descriptive words and want to describe something completely, multiple sentences are a huge help. It isn't as jarring that way to the reader.



    The next issue I saw was with this sentence...


    The older wizard sneered, remembering the younger one's life before he had kidnapped him, well it couldn't really be called a kidnapping when the kidnapped person came willingly and was ready to be kidnapped, he almost ran to his kidnappers.


    You used a version of kidnap five times in the sentence making it very hard to read. To remedy that it should have probably been divided up more, like I mentioned above, and the use of a thesaurus to help find another word should be employed. There are plenty of online thesaurus' out there and free programs, such as WordWeb, that provide that feature. They are immensely helpful to staving off issues such as this since it seems to have happened in other places as well, one being when you used he three times in a sentence. That makes things look so much more polished and easier on the reader.



    Next thing is the use of the -parseltongue- bit. I understand trying to differentiate between the separate things but the -parseltongue- was something that tended to be jarring, pulling you out of the flow of the story. Perhaps something such as italics would be better or just making it known when they start talking they are speaking the language of the snakes so no special formatting is needed. That makes the flow of the story much easier and you aren't jarred out as much



    Overall, though there were issues, this was a wonderful story that I greatly enjoyed. Great job and keep up the good work!




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