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Reviews for The forbidden love of two twins

By : kitsunehanyou
  • From M-Lee on July 13, 2015
    I know its a one shot but it feels short and a little rushed. A lot left unresovled. A good concept though.
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  • From Danyealle on July 11, 2012
    I like this take on the Fred/George twincest thing. It's something that's not often done and you pulled it off. Good job!

    That being said, to add some concrit to it, there are issues with the story that should probably be looked at.

    The first thing I noticed is you did the single biggest thing readers complain about; the whole POV tutorial as to who's talking. A friend of mine called it, POV changes for dummies. The issue with that is it's not only not needed if you just do a simple line break then ensure you mention a couple times in each sequence who is talking but it works against you. By that I mean you get thrown out of the flow of the story then struggle to get back into it only to get thrown out again, something supremely frustrating that detracts from the enjoyment of reading. I know this is a popular thing to do but it's something readers don't enjoy. Just a simple line break most word processors can use or even something as simple as a centered XXX will accomplish the same thing without breaking the flow.

    Next problem I noticed was punctuation problems, especially with commas. You either put them in the wrong place or don't use them where they belong. You also tend to use short sentences that would do better combined. Just a simple read through of things will show you where you need to change or combine things. Also, a quick read through of one of the many tutorials online about comma use will give you a great refresher.

    Next thing I noticed is you seem to have a problem with tense usage here and there, picking the wrong one to go with. Again, a quick read through can fix that as well as boning up on what is used where.

    There are also several instances of using words wrong, like thrones for thorns. Though both are spelled right, they aren't interchangeable and are the wrong word to use. My suggestion is to put it aside for a while, leave it then come back and read it again to catch those things if you don't have or can't find a beta to go over your work for you.

    You also tend to use a lot of redundancy in things, just as added words that aren't needed, making sentences more convoluted than they need to be to get the point across. Again, just set it aside and go back later to catch such things.

    Overall, good job and just some minor things to work on!


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