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Reviews for The Mimicker

By : TalisRuadair

From ANON - Anon on July 20, 2013
Cool! Hope to read more soon!
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From ANON - Sara on July 02, 2013
Great chapter :)I rather liked Hermione's brief recap, especially when there are so many characters involved. Loved the brief scene with Lupin too.
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From ANON - AR on July 01, 2013
Narrative: Better with the pacing, but there's still room for description--setting the scene, as it were. Don't be afraid to include more small tells that show us just how a character is feeling. If Hermione is feeling rushed and flustered and annoyed she might swipe at her hair or drum her finger(s) on a book cover, bite her thumb, nibble a lip. The twins might share a look, a quick dart of blue eyes meeting briefly before looking back at the young woman.

Even the Slytherins have tells. Theo looks like a quiverer, eyes never quite looking at someone, always off to their shoulder or chin.... Blaise a worrier, probably a tick of rubbing his middle finger against thumb or chewing his tongue, or some other abortive touch-touch. (Because he's too cool to be all touchy-feely.) His mother would probably be more openly touchy-feeling. Fingers brushing along someone shoulder, neck, over their head, down a cheek. All accompanied by a smile--sinister or soothing, as best fits.

Yes, I saw the incorporation of the pairings, and the needed conversations, and the needed relationship counseling being brushed upon. Kudos. But remember, there is a time to rush and brush off explanations (in the dungeon, collecting Sirius, when they've got an appointment to make) and a time to work them out (Hermione and the twins in the library with the candlesticks...err, I mean...)

Would it be horrible for me to mention I miss the smut? >.> Seriously, I was looking forward to some library kink started by the twins trying to soothe Hermione's fluster, and ending with Hermione reaffirming their commitment to one another... I know we're getting another Mooney, but I'd like to put in a request for some angry sex between Sirius and Severus in a play for dominance (that will never work because Harry's little sex ritual made them supposedly equal, but that will never set right with either one if Harry isn't there to mediate, so... fighting, angry sex--that would probably scare the kiddos crap-less if they were to see or hear or in any way witness just what their dominants are capable of--where the two finally start to work some of their differences out while Harry and Moony are shacking up and making it like wolves in heat. Three cheers for multiple births!

Which leads me to wonder... three teenaged boys, in a room together, knowing that they're going to be mates, belonging to the same mating circle... how explorative are they going to get, even with two of them being bed-laid? Oh, and their conversations! Ha! I can just picture them talking trash and sex and their known dominants and what it would be like to be with any one of them! Boys can be such gossips, you know. ^__~v

Technique: paragraphing--just as it is important to have sentences of varying lengths in a paragraph, it's important to have paragraphs of varying lengths in a page/chapter. You're not writing an essay, but a story.

Allow length to help show emotion and action--
~ break up descriptions with some dialogue (internal thoughts or self murmurings if characters are alone),
~ break up large blocks of monologuing with actions and even significant pauses.
~ Flash backs and memories can be shown as disjointed flashes and/of sensations by separating phrases or entire sentences into self-paragraphs. So can over-loaded sensory inputs.

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From ANON - Bre95 on June 28, 2013
Okay I like ur story but there are a few things I'd like to bring to your notice. First off you have misspelled Charles Weasley name. It's Charlie not charley and Weasley is spell with both an e and a. Um and a question are you planing on slowing the story down? It's kinda fast and soo much in just a few chapter. But on a much more enjoyable note, I love your story and can't wait for the next chapter! I wish you luck on it!!!!
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From ANON - Brandi on June 27, 2013
I really love this story, but, I just HATE it when Sirius acts like an ASS! I hope that he gets some common sense and quits it before anything bad happens!
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From wherdatcomfrom on June 26, 2013
This story keeps getting more interesting. I love the idea of Blaise and Theo being step-brothers, and I'm fuming at Sirius for his treatment, even if only his plans for it, of Severus. Do get Harry to take a firm hand with him, won't you?
Otherwise, I like the format and if you could get a beta to fill in where you've missed a word or two, it would be stupendous. I make that mistake sometimes myself, so great job, so far.
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From ANON - Anon on June 26, 2013
Cool story! I feel a bit silly to ask but is there a chance you could re-explain this thing about submissives and dominates? I'm just a bit confused as to how Lupin can be both a submissive and a dominate. Thank you if you can :D
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From ANON - Sara on June 26, 2013
Great chapter again, loved the scene with Remus in particular :)
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From ANON - Alyajay on June 26, 2013
Thank you!
Update soon~
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From ANON - Sara on June 22, 2013
Great chapter, a lovely treat to see a new chapter so quickly after the last :)
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From ANON - AR. on June 22, 2013
Ack! The blasted internet ate my ruddy review! >.< The one time I didn't copy it before posting.... GRAAHG!

So. Anyway. Let's see what I can remember of the blasted thing....

Writing bits: Dialog and tone still seem a bit off. Been thinking on it, and it seems to be missing character, attitude, personality. Not easy things to incorporate. The narrative is definitely improving--kudos. But remember not to get sucked into telling the story... allow the characters to share their story through their actions, emotions, and dialog. Show, don't tell, right? A trick some of my students liked to use is pretending they are movie cameras capturing what they see as opposed to a movie-goer telling their friend what happened in the movie.

Narrative bits: You're find not going into detail about what happens during the next ten days of his spiritual journal, but keep in mind, there will have been a lot for Harry to process, and he will need time to process when he wakes up. He's a man, and one of the character flaws of most men is they want to always try and DO something, fix something. I have a feeling that upon waking, Harry's going to be rearing to go DO and FIX things, but that could have horrible effects on his relationships. Hopefully, Hermione will wrangle him first and be able to talk him down a good bit. Most women are good for talking things out, muddling through emotions to dig at root problems, and then implement strong but soft plans to deal with them.

I'm hoping Harry will come out stronger and more mature for his new found knowledge and understanding of some of his mates, but I'm also hoping he isn't in a rush to divulge all that he's learned about himself and his mates. At least, not to his mates. I don't think that would set well with any of them, knowing that he knows some of their deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets.... However, if he could mention wanting to better understand his heritage in front of the others, casually... if Severus could offer to brew a heritage potion... if Harry or Hermione could express a curiosity for discovering creature-blooded ancestors... if Lucius or Sirius might know of a charm... if the twins expressed an interest in possibly exploring the possibilities of combining said charm with said potion... if Harry would express and interest and curiosity for all his mates' ancestry... after all, think of the children! [laughs]

That would lead to Severus discovering he's of Lestrange blood without Harry coming out and telling him what he found out while asleep and astral-planning it.

A lot of discussions need to happen, and I'm hoping for some good character-building, relationship-building interaction scenes coming up. Harry needs to figure out for himself where he's at, where he wants to be, how he's going to do it. He needs to figure out what he's going to do about his mates--the ones he has now, the ones he's going to have soon. How is he going to be responsible for them all? How are they going to be responsible for each other? Are they going to live in Potter Manor? What about Hogwarts? What about after Hogwarts?

The mateship needs a lot of work. There needs to be some clearing and cleaning of the air between Severus and Sirius, Severus and Remus, Severus and Lucius, Lucius and Sirius, and Sirius and Remus. Lots of small interactions, building up of trust in each other, laying down the foundations for forgiveness and support for future interactions. And it will have to extend above and beyond sexual situations. Yes, Sirius and Remus, Severus and Lucius, are likely to pair of as each others first friend/support/go-to person, but there's going to need to be room for Charlie and Squid-boy, too. (Please don't let it be Triton or Poseidon or something like that... A good, strong, Roman name, okay.)

And what are the expectations of the mateship. Harry's going to need to have a lot of talks--individually and with groups/couples. What does he expect to happen? What do they expect to happen? Will there be a pairing off of dominant-submissive, a prime relationship that naturally fluxuates and floats, but still one prime pairing in which those two naturally will gravitate to each other at the end of the day (or week)? One pairing where the dominant is generally responsible towards one specific sub, and yet still responsible for the overall group?

What about when the children come along? After all, Mimickers are born for the express purpose of repopulating and regenerating creature-blood within the magic world, so children are a must. I know Severus is scared and desperately wants to push it off, but Maeve is already going to be procreating... Is there something special, magical about the mimicker bond that will create a sense of familial for all the mates? or will they be more like a series of families that occasionally overlap but mostly just live together? Some of the characters I can see being naturally nurturing to anyone in the family, but others might need that extra push to tie them in to the others in the mateship.

Then there's the wizarding world fall out. What happens when the wizarding world learns that their blessed BWL is in a multi-pairing relationship? Are there any laws or rules that could be used against them? to protect them? Are creature-blooded considered taboo or half-breeds and discriminated against despite their natural belonging and origins of magic?

Did I mention that it feels off--the numbers--5 and 6. Why not 6 & 6 with one to head? Strong number, 13; a coven number. Maybe that's what it is.

I anticipate Harry needed to have a discussion with Arthur. While it would be disasterous for him to approach Severus head-on, I can totally see Harry going up to Arthur for a private talk--Man talk, Mrs. Weasley. You understand, right? Of course, dear. You go right along, and here, take these sandwiches with you. There you go. Off to the shed, just pop right in!--and just right out asking: What happened to the Prewitt twins. I can easily see him having that man-talk, just hashing everything out, even more so than with Hermione, because Arthur is a man, he's the head of his family, and creature of some sort, a father... He should *know* and *understand* things. Really is a father-figure role-model for Harry. And has he ever heard of something called a mimicker before? or of a creature that can do what apparently Harry can do? And did he know about the twins? What about Ron and Ginny? How would he feel about Harry being a creature, about Harry having a mate, having more than one mate, maybe even having 11 mates? What if one of those mates was a Weasley, Arthur's son? Or a Malfoy? Heck! Both Malfoys? And Severus, Sirius, Remus...? Does he know about Dumbledore? Why hasn't he done anything about anything?

And then there's Hermione and the twins. Definitely looking forward to more of that. What does Hermione think of all this? Does she know, understand, what and why things are happening or is she acting mostly on magical instinct? How does she really feel about being in a relationship with two men--two men who are intimate with each other, two men who are siblings, brothers? What about her parents? What does she expect to happen next? What are the twins' expectations? what about careers? families? Who will Hermione turn to to have that mature conversation? Severus? Remus? It's hard to see where Minerva could step in, which makes me sad to think Hermione really doesn't have any wizarding adult she can have good, solid, mature conversations with...

Oh, also--if a mimicker's purpose is to repopulate, will anti-conception charms and potions really work for Harry?
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From ANON - Alyajay on June 22, 2013
That was fast! Thank you for updating and update soon:)))))
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From ANON - Sara on June 21, 2013
Awesome story :)
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From ANON - AR on June 21, 2013
Interesting. 11 pools, 11 mates. 5 dominates, Remus, Charlie, and Squid-boy left to claim; 6 submissives, Draco and Lucius being the only ones that are claimed yet, and we know elf-boy and... was it Reggie's little brother the other one? Which still leaves two...no, wait. Blaise and Theo, right?

The memory pools surely are interesting. Bit of a surprise about Severus's origins. A Lestrange, huh? Well, with the two older brothers deceased, I wonder if it's possible for him to inherit, if Daddy-Lestrange made a fail-safe will?

Sirius and Remus we were already a bit familiar with, but it'll be interesting to learn more about the Prewitt twins and why Molly got involved/interfered... Not to mention, what she has/had on Arthur to make him behave. Dumbles is definitely a bit of a problem to deal with, too, isn't he? Although, I confess, my head is all muddled and I can't seem to keep a straight timeline for this story--is it seventh year? eighth year? Is Dumbledore still alive? Is Voldemorte? Is there a little Teddy Lupin in the world? See? Muddled head!

The tone still seems a bit off, but I think that's just my personal head-space. The narrative is definitely coming along smoother, though!
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From ANON - Alyajay on June 21, 2013
Thank you for updating:)
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