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Reviews for The Mimicker

By : TalisRuadair

From ANON - AlyAJay on June 14, 2013
Thank you and update soon!
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From ANON - ChaosLady on June 14, 2013
Facinating.
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From ANON - CM on June 12, 2013
I hope the mate's relationship with each other (Harry with each of his mates.) would grow before Harry keeps getting new ones because now it seems like "Hey, I'm your mate, let's talk abit then have sex." Then "Oh wait, I've found another one." The story is quite fast paced and it seems you're quite eager to introduce your new OCs seeing as how it's only the fourth chapter and Alin's name is already introduced. Maybe it's ok to slow down? Rather than cutting out bonding scenes between Harry and his mates that don't straight away involves sex? With most fics that has that many mates, it's essential to show how they interact with each other or else all they have between each other is superficial.

Also I don't see Harry as very sympathetic, Severus had said that he was worried how other mates would take to him but Harry continued on talking about his other mates rather than reassuring or alleviating Severus' fears. I don't believe that is your intention but from a reader's point of view their relationships are quite shallow and I fear that your eagerness to introduce your OCs would worsen that. From your previous story it was quite obvious how you favoured Alin and how Harry seems to favor him too which is quite horrible of him, to have so many mates and then pick out favourites. And I think for the later chapters that favoritism would be more obvious. I was quite shocked theprevious time when Harry thought that way, because can you imagine just meeting someone and saying they're your favorite and yet you are responsible for so many mates. How irresponsible that thought is. Dividing affection would already be quite hard but having favorites would show that he is not ready to have that many mates. If I were one of his mates, I would worry about my position in Harry's life. eventhough they're all creatures, it's still human nature to worry and Harry would probably instigate and deepen that fear. I hope he's more responsible this time around.
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From ANON - AR on June 12, 2013
Good job. Narrative wasn't too rushed, and you addressed several possible plot holes....while introducing the possibility of more! Remember you can draw out the interaction during amorous scenes to build the intimacy by focusing on touch, feelings, and emotions. Build any scene up by describing certain types of looks and gestures between characters--attempt to describe the jumbled mess Draco's thoughts are, his nervousness betrayed by a personal tick--a jittery knee, thumb scratching, lip chewing, some little tell--Severus's concern through narrowed, critically assessing eyes that search out for any little sign of symptom, the quick fingers that reach unhesitatingly for the ever-near-at-hand vial, the soft no-nonsense there's-not-even-a-speckle-of-doubt-I-won't-be-immediately-obeyed command. Eyes, searching another's face desperately for any little hint of change--an extra line or crease that might display hard times, stressed times, happiness, or even just too much time out in the sun. The way light falls along their loved one's hair, or the shadows play along their bodies while in bed.

So, quick recap 'cause it's late, I'm falling asleep, and I gotta get up and teach again tomorrow. ^_^;;

Nice job with the backstory for Narcissa--lots of nuggets strewn about that section to chew on for quite a while; yea for addressing some of Draco's worries--he'll have more, but at least the potion will give him a brief respite and we're more aware of what he's aware of now; and some more time with Hermione and the twins, which could have easily gone to its own section, but we'll have fun reading along as you flesh it out more. Several typos again along the misused word sort, but more like actual typos as opposed to homophone misuse. You should really look for an editor and/or beta reader to help you smooth things out as you write and polish each chapter up before you post. Nothing will ever be perfect, but it doesn't stop us for trying! ^__~v

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From ANON - ChaosLady on June 11, 2013
Interesting chapter, very different from the first time around.
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From ANON - Alyajay on June 10, 2013
Thank you! Update soon~
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From ANON - AR on June 08, 2013

Love the addition of Hermione and the twins--great trio there--and yes, slow it down. Back it up to the show-don't-tell and allow the narrative to explain what's going on through actions and dialog. Don't shy away from spending some time addressing different characters' hopes or worries, what they're feeling/experiencing.

Draco's nervous. Did he know that his father was really his "mother", that his "grandfather" raped Lucius and conceived him on his father? How do you think that would affect someone, make them feel? To know or discover you were a result of a rape? A forced conception? What about Narcissa? If he was raised believing that she was his birth mother, how does that change his perception of past events?

Narcissa's bit seemed horridly rushed--oh! She knows where Reg is? Really! Well, la-de-dah, she'll just jet off to get her the man she always wanted! Ta ta! Um... yeah. I know it wasn't a love match or anything, but this woman just spent the last near two decades living with a person, playing the model-perfect wife and mother, and here she is just ready to jet off? I don't know; something seems off about that. How did she know, how was she able to keep Reg a secret? What about her relationship with Lucius. Twenty years playing the man's wife, even if it wasn't, couldn't be, sexual in any way, shape, or form... there's an intimacy in living with someone. And there's a child involved... I'm a little surprised nothing was mentioned about Abraxas using Narcissa as horridly as he used his own son.
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From ANON - AR on June 08, 2013
Really glad to see this story's up again. Although still rough around the edges and a bit hurried, it's easy to see where you've tried to slow the narrative down a bit and fill in some scenes.

There's more of a backstory now, but I'd almost wish you'd delivered it as more of a memory flashback as opposed to rushing through July. The story starting off on the night before Harry's birthday, Harry laid up in bed after a beat was solid and familiar enough to keep as the intro, then flash back briefly to the Battle, to Dumbledore's and Voldemorte's strange actions and words.

Barring that, a more subtle introduction to Harry's awareness that something within him is changing would help ease the transition... random thoughts or instinctive feelings about things. Wisps of ideas... hints of impressions... but nothing solid, nothing he'd able to pin down and scrutinize. Maybe even daydreams that seem utterly bizarre in a "Whoa! Where did that thought come from? Hn..."

The dream snippets seem even more disjointed with the waking-ups in between as opposed to one continuous dream that flows from one being to another. If they're kept loose and disjointed, not giving too much away to alert readers as to who each of the mates really are...more a teasing taste or scent. Dreams kept in first person would leave Harry turning his face up to the fattening moon, bathing in the lonely light, anxious and fearful, body quivering for what he knew was going to happen to soon--what was going to happen soon? Was it ever going to happen? he wondered, resisting the temptation to throw hours of work away just for the satisfaction of hear the tinkling sound of glass shattering against stone--as the small stream bubbled merrily along its way, tripping over pebbles and stones and occasional brambles, he sat, perched along a tree limb staring out, up into the night sky wondering if he was cursed? Cursed? Surely he was cursed, Harry muddled, consciousness pulling at him sooner than he would like. Cursed and alone, lonely and doomed and... so tired. He wished he could just roll over in bed and cuddle up with someone, something. Some thing warm, and cuddly, and *his*...

This revised chapter 1 could easily be split into two chapters: the story introduction and setup & Harry's birthday and Snape's claiming (the original chapter 1, no?). Seriously, one chapter ends with Harry's magic surrounding him (healing cocoon or something else? something more?), and the next he's waking up to those big tennis-ball eyes right in his face!

Harry's waking in the field-- a little more setting description, disbelief and maybe a little more panic on Harry's part, excitement and eagerness displayed on Dobby's end. Harry would want to be dressed immediately--and maybe, possibly want a reason for WHY he's starkers in a field? How did he get there? what is he doing there? What is Dobby doing there, and how did the elf find him? Maybe something more formal towards the elf-wizard agreement, a ceremony, or ritual words, a flash of binding magic?

Then, the need for action. The drawing senstation, you sometimes feel when you *know* you *need* to do something, but you're not sure what... that pulling need to make a decision... Well, Harry certainly knows he doesn't what to return to the Dursly's if he doesn't have to, but he obviously can't go back to Grimauld because of Dumbledore, which means he'll need Dobby to do some investigating for him, just like with the Come-and-Go Room, he needs Dobby to find a safe place for him to stay.

He'd feel different, don't you think? That morning, more than just being 16 and legally able to do certain things, there's something different. INSIDE him, Harry can sense a difference, but he's not sure what. Just a burning NEED to do something, find something... An ache... someone... the scent of...cast iron and smoke and... A cry that pierces straight through the chest... long finger, thin lips, and a voice... a voice that pours like lava down the veins. Like a poison racing through the blood stream. Snape. Professor Snape. He needs to see him, talk to him. he's not sure why, but he just knows he has to. right now.

The first mating of Severus could be a little more muddled on Severus's part. He's still intoxicated, no matter of it being the morning after--he's trapped in bad dreams and mocking memories and self depreciation. Is he even aware of the taking of his virginity or is it all mixed up in his head? Images of Lily taking off with James, James's image hovering above him, moving inside of him, like a mocking punishment... Lily's eyes boring into his. A mockery of his basic needs and desires...

And Harry... those wispy threads of loose thoughts that have been hovering around him for the past several weeks--tangent, like he could reach out and physically gather them up, but they continued to slip away from him. Now, NOW he's able to pull on some of them; now some of them he's able to hear and make sense of... and he knows. He knows of the potion in Severus's body that could not be counteracted unless someone knowingly attempted to; he knows of how and why Eileen married Tobias, why Severus's blood gift was hidden away, how he fought to protect him, but was to weak, to ill, to tired to succeed very much. And when Harry reaches his release within his mate's body, when he bites and marks him as his own, he knows, he *knows*, that Severus is merely the first, not the only. He will have many lovers, many mates, and they will never leave him, they will bless him with a large, bountiful family, and he will never be lonely or left wanting.

Depending on the magic and power of the mating, it is quite believable for him to pass out then, but I would expect, upon waking, he would do one of two things--call Dobby, asking for a safe place to relocate, feeling the immediate need to cherish and protect his mate... Or be overwhelmed by the need to start that family immediately, have Severus acknowledge him as his mate, and take him in as many possible ways, as many possible times. Just not sure of the order in which those two things would occur. Safety & security followed by mad-mating, or mad-mating followed by safety & security.... Hn.

And... did I mention how happy I am to see this fic up and posting again??? and bycamp

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From HeartStar on June 05, 2013
bravo more please
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From djaddict on June 04, 2013
The Hermione/Fred/George thing went a bit fast but I don't think you are rushing.

I do need some clarification, however. It seemed like they were not able to release/remove all of the magical bindings but then, it seemed as though they did. Which was it?

Enjoying the rewrite
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From ANON - bluebunny on June 03, 2013
Isn't there ANOTHER STORY LIKE THIS ONE BUT HAS LIKE CHARLIE AND BLAISE AND THEO AS MATES AND LUCIUS AS A FEMALE TIGER I AM SOORY BUT I AM SOOO CONFUSED
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From ANON - Brandi on June 03, 2013
I love this rewrite! I hope that you update it soon! Keep up the great work!
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From ANON - vicky on June 03, 2013
wow, i love this rewrite so much better than the original. I love Hermionie, fred and george being together as well. I can't wait to see the rest of the rewrite, but i hope you put new chapters up soon, cause i want to see whathappens next.
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From ANON - librarycat9 on June 02, 2013
That was weird... I was reading this when you changed it. Lol. All of the sudden the following chapters were gone and the chapter that was there was different. For a moment I thought was in a different story. Lol. I hope you put up more soon.
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From ANON - nari-chan on May 01, 2013
i love the new chapter and cant wait to find out more please update soon :)
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