Click Here!

  • 1

Reviews for Bedroom Fun

By : yamiyugi23
  • From Kimmimaru on October 23, 2012
    Hmm...This story has potential but there were some silly mistakes which could easily be fixed, also the characters were very OOC. Severus would never call Harry 'Love', nor is he the kind of man who would be very romantic, remembering his past isn't very happy. You repeat yourself rather a lot in it, you use words like 'manhood' which is ok if it's used once or twice but you use it consistently. It was, in some ways, a bit like reading a Mills and Boon book or some other old fashioned erotic novel, people simply don't talk like that and it makes the story difficult to read. Using Manhood is a little immature so try calling a spade a spade, use Penis, erection or even cock is just as good. I am not being cruel, I am simply giving you a few pointers, whether you take my advice or not is entirely up to you. :) Otherwise the story was alright, good luck in the future.

    KimmimaruX
    Report Review

  • From MalevolentRose87 on February 23, 2012
    Well that's one way to get rid of it x3 great job!
    Report Review

  • 1
T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!