Click Here!

  • 1

Reviews for Heart of A Snake

By : articcat621
  • From ANON - Ann on October 23, 2014
    Chapter 17 ended with her touching his face and then suddenly in chapter 18 she's talking about how she can't believe they kissed? What kiss? Is part of this story missing?
    Report Review

  • From Talented_Mrs_Lupin on December 09, 2013
    Okay, so I really enjoyed this story and would love to see it continued. Please update!
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Bri on April 10, 2013
    Chapter 18 cuts off....
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Gamma on April 01, 2013
    I'm absolutely in love with this story! Please continue writing and don't abandon it! If you do I might go into withdrawal! :O
    Report Review

  • From ANON - fantasy_land on September 17, 2012
    cant wait for more chapters. read up to chapter 25 loving every second of it !!! keep up the good work !
    Report Review

  • From Kiikii-no-squeaky-chan on June 12, 2012
    This will be long...

    Curious did you upload the full chapter on chapter 17?

    Also, I enjoy the plot idea. However, I must agree the characters are far too OOC. I can do a list of things that are wrong but I would rather do a list of things that you can work on.

    I suggest a beta, it seems simple grammar mistakes show up frequently and it took me a few reads to get what you were saying. A beta will help lessen these and read for flow as well. They help make sure you are not contradicting yourself. Which might be good, not sure if it's because English isn't your first language or just basic mistypes.

    Also this story seems to be about Hermione transforming from the girl she once was to the woman she is meant to be. However, you don't really show us that. It feels as if you are telling us. The trick is to show us her transformation and don't skip time if the transformation in that time is so drastic. Chapter 18 I noticed this onward that we missed a giant change in her. Hopefully a beta will help with this.

    If you ever care to contemplate this idea, you can attempt to rewrite it. Not the scenes per say, but rather expand each chapter in detail. Hermione struggled which you told us but I imagine there was more to it than the basic struggle. But we never really get to see it. So it sort of becomes just a small detail when in reality this is one of her greates transformations in the story thus far. Hermione is going from a prisoner to a well mannered lady who has the world at her feet. Yet we see such a drastic change without much build up.

    That brings me to my next point the characters built up a little too fast for my liking I sort of got whip lash on the Dark Lord since we don't see his point of view very much. A suggestion on this one is it's all about the body language. For instance instead of saying he is jealous use the body language to say he smiled tensely as he twirled his wand. That shows that he is angered. It might not scream jealousy but in the beginning he has no way of knowing he is jealous. At times the body language seems to be missing but rather what is going on is again told to us. I was always taught show don't tell.

    I am by no means an amazing author but I do love to help others improve, as I will never share my stories with the world. I am not at all flaming you since although I do have problems with the story I do intend to stick around to see if you improve on your writing. You can always get a beta who doesn't mind telling you where to put the body language or the rewording of things to show more and then help you improve. I used to beta someone who couldn't do details in the sense that the sentences changed from present to past and back to present but I frequently added the details that were implied but not there. She got better as she read the changes since she understood what she needed to add and eventually I didn't have to worry about the detail but rather the grammar. So I know there are beta's like this out there. (I was a beta on fanfiction)

    Also another thing I can say is there is a belief that you can not have too much detail. I am personally going to disagree. If your entire story was detail then we would lose the actions in between (which is why I can't read certain authors because there is too much detail). But on the flip side if you don't have enough then the story seems faster than it is because all the small implied body language, surroundings, and interactions that are implied are not shown to the reader.

    Now I would like to point out this is ALL my opinion. Please don't get offended, I used to be told my characters were mary sue but never told tips to fix it. I didn't want to tell you all these problems and not have a suggestion for you so I tried to give you it in full. I am not trying to flame you or anything just want to try and help your writing more.

    Please don't hate me. I do love the idea and the plot which is why I even took the time to write this and read this fanfic all in the span of an hour or two (maybe it was up to four). It's just the developement that I wish had more.
    Report Review

  • From DB1 on June 05, 2012
    @25. Yay more amazing chapters!!! Im really really enjoying this story. Keep the chapters coming!! I like that there isn't too long a wait between updates and that your posting several chapters at a time!! It's fantastic!! Looking forward to the next update!!

    DB
    Report Review

  • From Avivafae on June 05, 2012
    Took me a while to read all the chapters and get up to speed. It's a great story and I can't wait to read more!
    Report Review

  • From CafeAuLait on June 05, 2012
    Okay, I know Tom and Mione are OOC, but come on, she would never want Harry to her before the horcruxes. This Hermione sounded extremely selfish, which is one thing the character is not. The entire 'he's looking for horcruxes instead getting revenge for my 'death' spiel is utter nonsense. I'm not trying to flame, but that was just ridiculous. This is the girl who took the blame after Harry and Ron saved from the troll. She's also the logical one of the trio.

    Hmm, fairies, let me guess, Tom's going try to get his youth back?
    Report Review

  • From CafeAuLait on June 05, 2012
    Hermione's going to have to watch out for Dohlohov.


    Report Review

  • From CafeAuLait on June 05, 2012
    Nice start. You had some minor errors but nothing that distracted from the story.

    Thanks for sharing. You might want to put this on ff.net people review more over there.
    Report Review

  • From DB1 on June 04, 2012
    @18 i really like this story!! cant wait to read more. please update soon

    DB
    Report Review

  • 1
T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!