schedule
October 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
you are going to continue right?! This is really good. ^^
~Ley
~Ley
schedule
October 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I love this... haha. I love the whole plot line, too. I want more now, kthanx
schedule
October 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
i want more please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
schedule
October 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Liked your story, but there are a few mistakes there:
- Potter is always spelled with a capital letter
- Most witch’s and wizards were shocked... it should be: Most witches and...
- been invited to Stay at the... stay
- Scropius... Scorpius
- friends or their family about his father in fact he avoided it... I think there is a comma in front of 'in fact'
- Harry lost his temper at that conjured the divorce papers as his temper spiked... I think it would be better to say: Harry lost hit thmper and conjured divorce papers.
- Fill them out I’ll sign them... Fill them out, I’ll sign them.
- or I wont mind not... won't
- Harry left the room slamming the door taking a look at the boys huddled in the hall who had been listening. Harry looked over his children and Scorpius who had become like a son to him... I think it would be better to say: Harry left the room slamming the door, seeing his children and Scorpius, who had become like a son to him, huddled in the hall, where they had been listening.
- Harry grinned at his boys picking up a small black bag... boys, picking up
- It was morning the small rays of light... morning and the small
- fought each time though that had been the first time in over a year eh... each time, though... over a year he...
- he had still be rapped... he was still raped...
- on his back deep painful ones though with... on his back, deep painful ones, though with...
- then it should have ever been... then it should ever have been...
I don't know if I got everything and I am not a native speaker, but I would suggest you to get a beta, so that these mistakes don't happen.
Otherwise please do continue your story.
Asha81
- Potter is always spelled with a capital letter
- Most witch’s and wizards were shocked... it should be: Most witches and...
- been invited to Stay at the... stay
- Scropius... Scorpius
- friends or their family about his father in fact he avoided it... I think there is a comma in front of 'in fact'
- Harry lost his temper at that conjured the divorce papers as his temper spiked... I think it would be better to say: Harry lost hit thmper and conjured divorce papers.
- Fill them out I’ll sign them... Fill them out, I’ll sign them.
- or I wont mind not... won't
- Harry left the room slamming the door taking a look at the boys huddled in the hall who had been listening. Harry looked over his children and Scorpius who had become like a son to him... I think it would be better to say: Harry left the room slamming the door, seeing his children and Scorpius, who had become like a son to him, huddled in the hall, where they had been listening.
- Harry grinned at his boys picking up a small black bag... boys, picking up
- It was morning the small rays of light... morning and the small
- fought each time though that had been the first time in over a year eh... each time, though... over a year he...
- he had still be rapped... he was still raped...
- on his back deep painful ones though with... on his back, deep painful ones, though with...
- then it should have ever been... then it should ever have been...
I don't know if I got everything and I am not a native speaker, but I would suggest you to get a beta, so that these mistakes don't happen.
Otherwise please do continue your story.
Asha81
schedule
October 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
OOO. I can't wait to read more. Update soon. Keep up the great work.
Kat
Kat
schedule
October 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Interesting beginning: the title sounds very promising.
However, as Asha's said, you really need a beta. Spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes really undermine your work.
However, as Asha's said, you really need a beta. Spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes really undermine your work.