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February 13, 2017 at 12:00 AM
Write more soon please.
schedule
December 22, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?
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November 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I love this so far. I think you can do a lot with this story. Good Luck
schedule
November 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Regarding Chapter One.
A nice start, and it had the wonderful bonus of not being stereotypical in any way. One normally reads that Hermione's parents have the 'perfect' husband/wife relationship, although it is somewhat depressing that they have divorced, it was a very original plot device.
Hermione's reaction was well written, but perhaps a little more description could be put in there? What would her body language tell someone watching from a distance? What does her facial expression reveal about her thoughts? How does her voice sound before and after the news sinks in?
A little more description of Hermione's Father would be nice, we get very little to go on from JKR, so what does your mind's eye see when you imagine him? I have the picture of an average height, average build man with medium brown hair in my head - I don't have a face or a voice to go with that - what do you want a reader to see?
Keep a sharp eye out for homophones! They're words that sound the same when spoken, but have different meanings and spellings - you wrote "your" instead of "you're" (others that people tend to muddle are "there, their & they're" and, especially in the case of Harry Potter: "vile and vial"). They are one of my all time pet HATES of writing, and I won't fail to pick them out and moan about them when I spot them! (Just a warning, lol).
The odd sentence doesn't read right at times, you could do to go through each sentence at a time with a fine-toothed-comb and untangle little grammar and sentence structure errors; I understand you're a beta reader, but that doesn't stop you having a beta of your own to catch the errors you miss. I beta read, but it doesn't stop me having someone check over my work.
Overall a good beginning, you've put a lot of thought into this, and that is always a good start. I personally would like to see more description and have the scenes painted in stark relief in my mind.
You're getting a 7/10 from me for the first chapter, it went down to 8 because I couldn't clearly imagine what you wrote, and you lost another point for the homophone mistake. But, you do get 7 points for originality and creativity.
Ps. I hope you received my email (the genetics explanation).
Kind Regards,
Utopia.
A nice start, and it had the wonderful bonus of not being stereotypical in any way. One normally reads that Hermione's parents have the 'perfect' husband/wife relationship, although it is somewhat depressing that they have divorced, it was a very original plot device.
Hermione's reaction was well written, but perhaps a little more description could be put in there? What would her body language tell someone watching from a distance? What does her facial expression reveal about her thoughts? How does her voice sound before and after the news sinks in?
A little more description of Hermione's Father would be nice, we get very little to go on from JKR, so what does your mind's eye see when you imagine him? I have the picture of an average height, average build man with medium brown hair in my head - I don't have a face or a voice to go with that - what do you want a reader to see?
Keep a sharp eye out for homophones! They're words that sound the same when spoken, but have different meanings and spellings - you wrote "your" instead of "you're" (others that people tend to muddle are "there, their & they're" and, especially in the case of Harry Potter: "vile and vial"). They are one of my all time pet HATES of writing, and I won't fail to pick them out and moan about them when I spot them! (Just a warning, lol).
The odd sentence doesn't read right at times, you could do to go through each sentence at a time with a fine-toothed-comb and untangle little grammar and sentence structure errors; I understand you're a beta reader, but that doesn't stop you having a beta of your own to catch the errors you miss. I beta read, but it doesn't stop me having someone check over my work.
Overall a good beginning, you've put a lot of thought into this, and that is always a good start. I personally would like to see more description and have the scenes painted in stark relief in my mind.
You're getting a 7/10 from me for the first chapter, it went down to 8 because I couldn't clearly imagine what you wrote, and you lost another point for the homophone mistake. But, you do get 7 points for originality and creativity.
Ps. I hope you received my email (the genetics explanation).
Kind Regards,
Utopia.
schedule
November 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
That was great! I love where this is going. Keep it up! It was fun to see how Malfoy tied into all this! Congrats on picking a title!
~Talon
~Talon
schedule
November 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
i like it!
schedule
November 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Interesting opener...reminded me of another fic, and the title I almost gave Hermione's New world (the lies that bind).