schedule
January 28, 2010 at 12:00 AM
The premise is nice. The writing leaves much to be desired.
My major concern is the way the dialogue is all jumbled together. Whenever a different character speaks, you should start a new paragraph. It keeps things clean and neat; it keeps the confusion on the reader's end to a minimum.
There are many, many errors in the grammar aspect of your story, mainly concerned with dialogue. Remember, punctuation before quotation marks. And you most definitely cannot forget spaces between words.
Otherwise, while I won't say that it's the best thing I've every read, it looks promising.
DeathDancer
My major concern is the way the dialogue is all jumbled together. Whenever a different character speaks, you should start a new paragraph. It keeps things clean and neat; it keeps the confusion on the reader's end to a minimum.
There are many, many errors in the grammar aspect of your story, mainly concerned with dialogue. Remember, punctuation before quotation marks. And you most definitely cannot forget spaces between words.
Otherwise, while I won't say that it's the best thing I've every read, it looks promising.
DeathDancer