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December 29, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Okay, first off - You need a beta. You have capitalization and punctuation errors from the start that get worse through out the story.
Example - they are referred to as Death Eaters (two words and both capitalized), it's Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and you don't capitalize after a comma.
Word order & usage: It leaves something to be desired.
Example: Lately they have gotten out of hand so to speak and venturing out to her home to peer in at her while she showers borders on a trip to St. Mungo
Example - they are referred to as Death Eaters (two words and both capitalized), it's Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and you don't capitalize after a comma.
Word order & usage: It leaves something to be desired.
Example: Lately they have gotten out of hand so to speak and venturing out to her home to peer in at her while she showers borders on a trip to St. Mungo