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March 15, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Such an imaginative and enthralling story. I love the plotline and really want to see what happens once they get to Hogwarts.
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December 2, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I really like this story, but I don't know how to get updates.
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December 2, 2013 at 12:00 AM
This is an awesome story hope you continue it.
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November 11, 2013 at 12:00 AM
This is just an absolutely fabulous story. Smutty but with a really good plot. I was really impressed with story. It's completely fascinating. Spell check catches you a few times and there are few points where it was a little hard to follow but I can't wait to read more. The story makes up for a everything. I hope you're going to publish more soon. I really want MORE! Please update.
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November 7, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Wow i LOVE this Fanfic !!!!!!
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July 20, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Cool! Hope to read more soon!
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July 2, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Great chapter :)I rather liked Hermione's brief recap, especially when there are so many characters involved. Loved the brief scene with Lupin too.
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July 1, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Narrative: Better with the pacing, but there's still room for description--setting the scene, as it were. Don't be afraid to include more small tells that show us just how a character is feeling. If Hermione is feeling rushed and flustered and annoyed she might swipe at her hair or drum her finger(s) on a book cover, bite her thumb, nibble a lip. The twins might share a look, a quick dart of blue eyes meeting briefly before looking back at the young woman.
Even the Slytherins have tells. Theo looks like a quiverer, eyes never quite looking at someone, always off to their shoulder or chin.... Blaise a worrier, probably a tick of rubbing his middle finger against thumb or chewing his tongue, or some other abortive touch-touch. (Because he's too cool to be all touchy-feely.) His mother would probably be more openly touchy-feeling. Fingers brushing along someone shoulder, neck, over their head, down a cheek. All accompanied by a smile--sinister or soothing, as best fits.
Yes, I saw the incorporation of the pairings, and the needed conversations, and the needed relationship counseling being brushed upon. Kudos. But remember, there is a time to rush and brush off explanations (in the dungeon, collecting Sirius, when they've got an appointment to make) and a time to work them out (Hermione and the twins in the library with the candlesticks...err, I mean...)
Would it be horrible for me to mention I miss the smut? >.> Seriously, I was looking forward to some library kink started by the twins trying to soothe Hermione's fluster, and ending with Hermione reaffirming their commitment to one another... I know we're getting another Mooney, but I'd like to put in a request for some angry sex between Sirius and Severus in a play for dominance (that will never work because Harry's little sex ritual made them supposedly equal, but that will never set right with either one if Harry isn't there to mediate, so... fighting, angry sex--that would probably scare the kiddos crap-less if they were to see or hear or in any way witness just what their dominants are capable of--where the two finally start to work some of their differences out while Harry and Moony are shacking up and making it like wolves in heat. Three cheers for multiple births!
Which leads me to wonder... three teenaged boys, in a room together, knowing that they're going to be mates, belonging to the same mating circle... how explorative are they going to get, even with two of them being bed-laid? Oh, and their conversations! Ha! I can just picture them talking trash and sex and their known dominants and what it would be like to be with any one of them! Boys can be such gossips, you know. ^__~v
Technique: paragraphing--just as it is important to have sentences of varying lengths in a paragraph, it's important to have paragraphs of varying lengths in a page/chapter. You're not writing an essay, but a story.
Allow length to help show emotion and action--
~ break up descriptions with some dialogue (internal thoughts or self murmurings if characters are alone),
~ break up large blocks of monologuing with actions and even significant pauses.
~ Flash backs and memories can be shown as disjointed flashes and/of sensations by separating phrases or entire sentences into self-paragraphs. So can over-loaded sensory inputs.
Even the Slytherins have tells. Theo looks like a quiverer, eyes never quite looking at someone, always off to their shoulder or chin.... Blaise a worrier, probably a tick of rubbing his middle finger against thumb or chewing his tongue, or some other abortive touch-touch. (Because he's too cool to be all touchy-feely.) His mother would probably be more openly touchy-feeling. Fingers brushing along someone shoulder, neck, over their head, down a cheek. All accompanied by a smile--sinister or soothing, as best fits.
Yes, I saw the incorporation of the pairings, and the needed conversations, and the needed relationship counseling being brushed upon. Kudos. But remember, there is a time to rush and brush off explanations (in the dungeon, collecting Sirius, when they've got an appointment to make) and a time to work them out (Hermione and the twins in the library with the candlesticks...err, I mean...)
Would it be horrible for me to mention I miss the smut? >.> Seriously, I was looking forward to some library kink started by the twins trying to soothe Hermione's fluster, and ending with Hermione reaffirming their commitment to one another... I know we're getting another Mooney, but I'd like to put in a request for some angry sex between Sirius and Severus in a play for dominance (that will never work because Harry's little sex ritual made them supposedly equal, but that will never set right with either one if Harry isn't there to mediate, so... fighting, angry sex--that would probably scare the kiddos crap-less if they were to see or hear or in any way witness just what their dominants are capable of--where the two finally start to work some of their differences out while Harry and Moony are shacking up and making it like wolves in heat. Three cheers for multiple births!
Which leads me to wonder... three teenaged boys, in a room together, knowing that they're going to be mates, belonging to the same mating circle... how explorative are they going to get, even with two of them being bed-laid? Oh, and their conversations! Ha! I can just picture them talking trash and sex and their known dominants and what it would be like to be with any one of them! Boys can be such gossips, you know. ^__~v
Technique: paragraphing--just as it is important to have sentences of varying lengths in a paragraph, it's important to have paragraphs of varying lengths in a page/chapter. You're not writing an essay, but a story.
Allow length to help show emotion and action--
~ break up descriptions with some dialogue (internal thoughts or self murmurings if characters are alone),
~ break up large blocks of monologuing with actions and even significant pauses.
~ Flash backs and memories can be shown as disjointed flashes and/of sensations by separating phrases or entire sentences into self-paragraphs. So can over-loaded sensory inputs.
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June 28, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Okay I like ur story but there are a few things I'd like to bring to your notice. First off you have misspelled Charles Weasley name. It's Charlie not charley and Weasley is spell with both an e and a. Um and a question are you planing on slowing the story down? It's kinda fast and soo much in just a few chapter. But on a much more enjoyable note, I love your story and can't wait for the next chapter! I wish you luck on it!!!!
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June 27, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I really love this story, but, I just HATE it when Sirius acts like an ASS! I hope that he gets some common sense and quits it before anything bad happens!