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The Lowest Form Of Wit
By : Kait
Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione
Views: 9795 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. - Chapter List
- 1
- A/N: This was written in an attempt to release myself from Writers' Block! Hope you enjoy! Blessings, Kait x
~@~@~@~
12/03/04 OH My God! I didnt put a disclaimer in, and I am sure that by now everyone thinks I am J K Rowling herself, posing as a non-famous single mother of two living in the UK, rather than a Famous single mother of two living in the UK. You didn't think that? Oh, thank GODS! For those unconvinced, here we go:
DISCLAIMER: I am not, nor have ever been, J K Rowling. I do not own the world-acclaimed "Harry Potter and the..." Series. Which is a bit of a damn shame really, because the rent's due and my washing machine just exploded. I arelyrely a sneaky puppeteer performing my own sick fantasies, and it's jolly fun but I'd hate anyone to think I was making any money in doing so. Which, again, is a bit of a damn shame.
~@~@~@~
“Miss Granger?”
“Professor Snape – ow! There’s no need to pinch!”
“I, pinch you? Bless your rodent-like teeth, girl, I think not. Believe me, I would not sully my hands. What are you doing in here, anyway? I was expecting to meet with the Headmaster.”
“In a broom cupboard?”
“Of course not in a broom cupboard! This is the Room of Requirement. And there must be something wrong with it. What you are doing in here might be more pertinent a question. You’re supposed to be in bed.”
“I am Head Girl, Professor Snape. I do not have to answer to the rules of Curfew, as well you know.”
“I don’t believe you have answered my question, Miss Granger. At least, not adequately.”
“I could tell you, Professor, but…”
“Well?”
“Well, Professor…if I told you I…I would end up covered in boils.”
[A slight pause]
“Ah, one of your famous contracts, I suppose? Well, no matter. A healthy crop of boils would lend colour to your otherwise doughy complexion, Miss Granger.”
“Doughy?”
“Are you deaf, Miss Granger, as well as stupid? Then let me be your lexicon. Doughy…meaning colourless, ashen, achromatic…pallid.”
“I? I have pale skin?”
“So much so that anyone would think you’d lived your entire life in this very broom cupboard. And if someone walked in, they’d probably never notice you, what with your scrawny figure and your hair…”
“My hair.”
“Indeed, Miss Granger. Your hair. There are brooms in this very closet which are neater than in in that department. Ouch! How dare you stand on my foot, you tiresome moron! That was completely unnecessary. Twenty points from Gryffindor!”
[A pause]
“Professor…are you all right?”
“Yes, thank you Miss Granger, there is no need to stare at me like an idiot.”
“Professor?”
“Yes…well. Obviously there is something afoot.”
[A pause)
“You can put your wand away, sir. There’s no need to threaten me like that.”
“My wand…? Oh!”
[A longer pause]
“Miss Granger!”
“Professor, I will stop unbuttoning your waistcoat if you tell me what is the matter.”
“Well, it seems that it is impossible for me to deduct points from your house. Under the circumstances, I might add. Stop that imbecilic giggling this instant, you insufferable little twerp! Thank you. However, let me assure you that I have every intention of deducting the points from Gryffindor as soon as I am let out of here. We’ll discuss your insupportable conduct later, Miss Granger. I am naturally fair-skinned, that is true.”
“Humph! And I naturally have hair like a Brillo pad, and yes I do spend a fortune on Muggle anti-frizz serums every month because there’s nothing in the Wizarding World that can tame it for longer than a few hours. And yes it does matter, thank you very much, if you don’t mind. At least I don’t go about hurting people’s feelings by spitting out insults with every turn I make down Hogwarts’ corridors.”
“A speech worthy of any Gryffindor, I have to say.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”
“At least it’s a form of wit.”
[Long pause]
“You’re very warm, sir. How many layers do you have on?”
[An even longer pause]
“Miss Granger. Would you mind behaving with perhaps a little more sentience than, shall we say, a Bachelor’s Cuppa-Soup?”
“A Bachelor’s Cuppa-Soup, eh?”
“A Bachelor’s, as I said, quite clearly I believe, Cuppa-soup.”
“Well, well, Severus, there is much about you that I do not know.”
“I am certain your infant intelligence does not stretch to encompass facts about my personal life. However, you should know by now, Miss Granger, that by calling me “Severus” you are likely to rouse my anger to unforetold levels of nastiness.”
[Slight pause]
“Tell me about the Cuppa-Soup, Professor Snape.”
“No.”
“Tell me about the Cuppa-Soup, Professor Snape.”
“I will not.”
“Tell me about the - ”
“Oh, dear gods! Very well, then. I became aware of Mr Bachelor’s powdered nourishment on an extremely unpleasant reconnaissance to your dear friend Potter’s unlovely e whe when the pair of you were just a pair of pubeless ignoramuses. Albus Dedoredore, in one of his usual miserable attempts at humour, placed one in my field kit. The joke, and the beverage, were both about as tasteless as you are, in fact.”
“Well that’s a lovely thing to say, I do declare. Anyone would think you didn’t relish the thought of our somewhat close proximity.”
“I am sure anyone would think precisely that, Miss Granger, because it happens to be the truth. Do not flatter yourself that I would be desirous of being any nearer to you than a Cornish Pixie is naturally adjacent to a haggis.”
“If the looks you were lavishing on me in the Library earlier today were anything to go by then of course you wanted to!”
“Utter rubbish, Miss Granger. That would be your squint playing up again, I imagine.”
“My squint? Oh, that’s enough! First you make disparaging remarks about the size of my teeth, then compare my hair to the business end of a broomstick, and then you have the temerity to suggest there is something wrong with my eyes!”
“There’s no need to make matters worse, Miss Granger, by spluttering all over my clean robes.”
“It could be a lot worse.”
“It could?”
“Yes, it could.”
“How so?”
“Harry could be in here with us, sir.”
“What has Potter to do with this annoying little encounter, Miss Granger?”
“Well, I was supposed to meet him in here…but I assume that he’s as unable to get in as we are to get out.”
“Point taken, Miss Granger.”
“Taking points again, I see, Professor Snape.”
“If I were in a position to do so, you may rest assured that I would deduct at least a hundred for your impce.”ce.”
“Thanks, Professor. I’ve always fancied being completely unpopular with the whole of Gryffindor.”
“I didn’t imagine you were the cream of society within Gryffindor Tower, Miss Granger. I’m sure you can take it if they don’t fawn all over you like a bunch of cute little puppies.”
“A fair point, Professor Snape, unlike the hundred…and twenty… I can look forward to losing as soon as possible, I suppose.”
“Did you expect fairness from me? I am surprised at your obtuseness.”
“I’m prepared to take that as a compliment, Professor.”
“It’s the nearest you are likely to come to hearing one from me, that much is true.”
“Are you always this charming? I’m disappointed that the gossip I hear when I make my nightly rounds past Slytherin isn’t true, after all.”
I beg your pardon?
“Oh, nothing. But it’s nice to hear you beg, for once, sir.”
[A pause]
“Miss Granger? “Mm “Mm?”
“Miss Granger!”
“Yes, Severus?”
“What are you doing?”
“What do you mean, what am I doing? It’s bloody hot in here, if you hadn't noticed.”
“You are removing your robes!”
“Well, if you knew what I was doing, then why did you ask?”
[Long pause]
“Miss Granger…”
“What, Severus – I mean Professor Snape?” How How soon do you think the Headmaster will let us out of here?”
“Oh, so you’re interested in my opinion all of a sudden, are you? How the mighty have fallen.”
“When in a storm, Miss Granger, any port will do.”
“So I can see, Severus…from the way you seem rather…interested…in ‘docking’, in said ‘port’.”
[A pause]
“Miss Granger! May I remind you that handling the personal property of a Professor is punishable by expulsion?”
“Oh, come on Professor Snape! Who’d believe it?”
“What?”
“Oh, come on, sir! I’m an intelligent witch with my whole life ahead of me. And you, I’m afraid, are a miserable old man with a grudge like an oil slick around your ankles. Who would believe I would wish to take advantage of you? I mean, seriously?”
“You are nothing but an impudent little…!”
“I’m surprised at you, Severus…you’d have to admit it’s rather a ludicrous idea that I’d ever…harbour…any desires for you.”
“You can stop the nautical references, Miss Granger. They are completely out of context, and not at all humorous, as I am sure you’re aware.”
“Well, you launched the damn subject!”
“Extended puns are not amusing, Miss Granger, and anyone with even a slight wit should be able to realise that.”
[Pause]
“Oh, goodness, that’s an impressive mast, but you’re listing slightly to the fo’cs’le. I think that perhaps you’re slightly…overloaded with ballast.”
“Will you get your hands off me!”
“No…why?”
“I should think that was patently obvious, Miss Granger, considering our position…”
“I am getting rather fond, Severus, of our current position.”
“Stop.”
“Shan’t.”
[Pause]
“Don’t…”
“Mm?”
“Hermione!”
“Mmm…?”
“Mmmmmmmm….” - 1
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