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Dark Gods in the Brain Cavity	By : Hayseed Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 1147 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Dark Gods in the Brain Cavity
- 1
A/N: Because
Autumnist and Company was so worried I would do it. Not an April Fools� prank because even I�m not that cruel. Well, not usually.

Summary: How many
authors are pretentious, erm, brave enough to write a parody of their
own unfinished work? Only because
tomorrow is April Fools� Day.

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Believe
it or not, I own a few things in this one.
Just not Severus.

Dark Gods in the Brain Cavity

by: Hayseed
(hayseed_42@hotmail.com)

Sometimes,
the need to mess with their minds outweighs

the milestone of
humiliation.

--
Fox Mulder, The X-Files

So, where did we leave off?

Oh yes.

Severus walked away.

He�d barely cleared the front entrance before colliding with
a warm, solid someone. A warm, solid
someone, who promptly let out a loud squeak and wrapped arms around his
middle. �Oh, thank God I found you!�
the someone exclaimed in a suspiciously high pitched voice. �I thought I was going to have to come in
and kidnap you. I couldn�t remember
what chapter it is.�

�What the ...?� Severus mumbled, simultaneously furious and
terrified. �Get the hell away from
me!� As he tried to glare down at the
someone, the only thing he could make out was a crown of dark hair. �And who are you anyway?�

�Oops,� the someone said, promptly dropping their arms. �Sorry I got so carried away. It�s just ...�

He�d had enough.
�Would you kindly leave me alone?� he asked icily, folding his arms and
finally managing to catch the other person�s eye.

It was definitely a she.
A fairly nondescript bespectacled she with hair so short she probably
got called �Sir� at least as often as �Ma�am,� wearing clothes of
dubious Muggle origins. And great
Merlin, was she speaking with an American accent?

�Look,� she was saying in a brisk tone that didn�t really
suit her voice, �I know I�m bugging the hell out of you and I know you want to
go dance in the moonlight or whatever while I do a chapter from Hermione�s
point of view, but I had to talk to you.�

Severus blinked.
�Excuse me?�

�There are so many of them,� the young woman
continued, a tinge of desperation taking the edge off of the brusqueness. �And they keep asking. Who is it?
Who did it?�

�Erm ...� he began, unsure as to exactly how to proceed from
this point, �d�you think that maybe you should be on the other side of
these doors here?� He hooked a thumb
back toward the looming mental faci ove over his shoulder.

The girl stopped gibbering momentarily and grinned widely up
at him. �I must be absolutely baffling
you, huh?�

�Quite.� His voice
was cold.

�All right, Snape,� she said, fixing him with an unreadable
look, �here�s the deal. I�m due to post
the epilogue of this story in a grand total of five days, so I don�t have time
to fuck around, buddy.�

His eyes widened at the diminutive. Buddy?

�Who did it?� she asked, frowning further. �Who killed Harry Potter? Come on, I know you know.�

�I haven�t the foggiest,� Severus said loftily, hoping
against hope that she�d go away.

Before he could even be surprised, much less angry, she
reached up and grabbed the collar of his hospital scrubs, giving them a vicious
tug. �Don�t you mess with me, Severus
Snape!� she cried. �I�ll chuck out the
original ending and throw you together in bed with Harry Potter�s reanimated
corpse for a series of steamy sex scenes in a goddamned heartbeat!�

Blanching, he jerked out of her grip. �Oh, sweet Merlin,� he moaned. �You�re ... you�re her. Hayseed.
This is all your fault.�

She smirked and he decided immediately that the expression
did not suit her. �My fault, eh?�

�You imprisoned me in a mental institution!� he
cried, dropping all pretense of staying in the character this ... this girl had
forced him into. �And sent that
damnfool Granger to bother me incessantly.
You�re just lucky I don�t have a wand on me.�

�And that would be deliberate,� Hayseed replied. �You�ll find out why later.�

Severus rolled his eyes.
�So why are you, of all people, asking me about Potter? I thought you�d finished this story weeks ago.�

�I did,� she said, her posture suddenly smacking of
defeat. �And I thought I had it all
figured out.�

Remaining silent, he felt a sly sort of grin spread across
his face, conveying his opinion of her uncertainty.

�Oh, shut up,� she snarled.
�It�s all those reviewers that�re doing it, anyway. Don�t get me wrong,� she explained quickly
to his raised eyebrow, �I like reviews.
They�re fun. But there are so
many theories and some of them are really quite good. Better than what I�d come up with, some of them. Do you know, some of them have caught
details that I missed?�

He bit his tongue.

Hayseed glared.
�Don�t you dare pull that recalcitrant mental patient thing on
me, Snape. I fucking invented
it.�

�My, my,� he retorted airily, �such language. Pray, do you kiss your mother with that
mouth of yours?�

�If you weren�t so absolutely dead sexy when you insult
people, I�d really hate you right now,� she sulked. �Here I am, just trying to do the best thing for my readers, and
all you can do is --�

Huffing impatiently, Severus cut her off. �Oh, get off it. You�ve finished the story, right? Just leave it like it is.
I�m sure it�s at least sufficient.
Unless Potter�s brat is the murderer or something. I would hate for all of Granger�s work to be
that terribly inaccurate. You
haven�t painted yourself into that corner, have you?�

�Of course not,� she sighed. �Not the murder itself, at any rate. I just ... are you sure you don�t know who did it? Some bit of foreshadowing I stuck in months
ago that you picked up on or something?�

�Sorry,� he said with the most miniscule of shrugs.

�Oh, well,� Hayseed said, wrinkling her nose in
response. �A girl can hope, can�t
she?� Suddenly, she glanced down at the
pavement, twisting her hands unattractively.
�Thanks for, erm, listening to me and not running away or making me cry
or anything.�

He inclined his head slightly in acknowledgement.

�Well ...� she drawled, clearly uncomfortable. �I guess I ought to let you get back to
whatever it is you do between chapters.
Hey, would you like a jacket or something? It�s awfully chilly out here.�

�I�m fine,� he said, not willing to admit any sort of
weakness to an author, of all people.

She continued to fidget and Severus wondered if she was ever
still. �Goodbye, then. Guess I�ll be seeing you.� And Hayseed started off down the hill, away
from the hospital.

As an afterthought, Severus cupped his hands around his
mouth as she moved away. �Oi,� he said
loudly in an effort to catch her attention, �Hayseed!�

Spinning around, she regarded him with hands on hips, her
glasses glinting unpleasantly in the moonlight. �What?�

�How does it end?� he asked mischievously.

Her teeth flashed in a grin. �Well, Fran�oise ditches Ron and takes up with Albus
Dumbledore. I thought maybe they�d have
a dozen children or so. And Hermione,
of course, goes after Ron, taking advantage of him in his grieving state and
popping out a handful of brats.
Kingsley Shacklebolt runs into Petunia Dursley one day at the Potter
home and it�s love at first sight. At
their wedding, then, it comes out that Dudley Dursley has been shacking up with
Draco Malfoy. And if you hadn�t already
guessed, you wind up Headmaster of Hogwarts. I hope you like lemon drops, Sev. And lots of enigmatic little Dumbledore children polluting
your school.�

His mouth flopped open.
�You mean ... I ... you little ...� he stammered, unable to formulate a
complete sentence in his state of extreme terror.

Hayseed cackled with delight at his expression. �You�re absolutely precious when
you�re gullible, you know.�

�Don�t you ever call me precious again,� he said sternly,
recovering his faculties. �Ever.�

Finally ceasing to laugh, she continued to grin at him. �Is there anything else you�d like to know
before I make my exit? I�ve got a cat
to feed and students to terrorize. I
can�t spend all of my time trading insults with you, darlin�.�

Darlin�? he thought to himself with amazement. �Who killed Harry Potter, then?�
- 1
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Dark Gods in the Brain Cavity