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The Evil and Nefarious MST's of Lord Alexander	By : Sal Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 1557 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
A/N — Contrary to popular opinion, I sort of like a few of the stories that I've MST'd. Not all of them, but telling which ones would be rather daft, wouldn't they?

Thanks to the authors for writing their stories, and I am indebted. Without them, there wouldn't be any of these babies.
NC17 for content and slash. What? MST a het story? Are you sick?

Also, I apologise for my stealing of lines from wonderful British comedy and films. Mostly "’Blackadder' but there are a few other things thrown in there too

Dedicated to Minx, author of the very first fic I MST'd

CHAPTER I - Have Your Cake And Eat It

SCENE
It seemed a perfectly normal day—well, as normal as things were ever going to get at Hogwarts. Professor Lupin was trying to stop the Slytherins from torturing a hinkypunk, Severus Snape was concocting evil potions and even more heinous plans to bump the werewolf off and nick his job. Sirius Black (in dog form, natch) was reduced to doing tricks for scraps of food — the house elves kept calling him cute then squeaking when he inadvertently slobbered on their nice, freshly washed tea towels. James Potter was busy being dead.
However, in a flash of light which was made even more eerie and totally unnecessary by a manic high pitched giggle—

>>REMUS — hello? Excuse me? Ooooh, nice chair! *he appreciatively gazes upon the Macintosh chair he is lashed to.*
>>SEVERUS — for God's sake Lupin, you fool. Stop dribbling over the interior decorating and get us out of here!
>>REMUS — nice use of the Iron Maiden. See how aesthetically pleasing to the eye the spike arrangement is? Very good.
>>SEVERUS — fourteenth century. Lupin.
>>REMUS — I also like the rack. That is a bold and daring design; look at the plain structure that holds the intricate knotwork, the sharpness of the timbers combined with the tactile rope. That is a lovely piece. Wonder where it came from?
>>SEVERUS — Syria. Lupin.
>>REMUS — and the thumbscrews—never seen a better collection. The owner of the room is definitely an appreciator of fine art.
>>SEVERUS — LUPIN! Get us the HELL out of here right NOW! Before the ‘appreciator of fine art' decides to see if everything is still in perfect working order.
>>REMUS — calm down, professor. I'm sure the person that kidnapped us is not as bad as all that.
>>SEVERUS - *more to himself that anyone else* We are sitting, nay, manacled and bound head and foot in a room full of instruments of torture, and he says everything is going to be all right.

*CRASH!* The studded oak door of the dungeon is flung open, and a dark-haired man with a minimal amount of clothing (i.e. A pair of very worn jeans and nothing else) is forcibly urged into the room. The nameless minion binds him to another chair and leaves, snickering.

>>SIRIUS — can someone tell me what in the name of the gods of heaven hell and all varieties of stratosphere in between is going on?
>>SEVERUS — you've been kidnapped. Deal with it.
>>SIRIUS — nice to see you as well, Snape.

*BANG!* The door flies open again, and a young man strides into the room. He is about 23, red-haired and leather clad, with grey eyes and a slightly worrying smirk. He also spontaneously drools whenever he fixes his gaze on Snape.

>> BRECON — well hello. I bid thee welcome to my humble abode. I hope the journey was not too taxing ahat hat your bonds are comfortable.
>>SIRIUS — who the fuck are you? You look like something out of a Muggle Gay Pride march.
>>REMUS — how do you know about Gay Pride, Padfoot?
>>SIRIUS - *goes pink* —um—read about it...?
>>SEVERUS - *snicker* we believe you, Black, we believe you.
>>BRECON — shush, you sexy beast.I mean, silence you quivering hunk of sex on legs—.no! Shut up before I kiss you, Severus. Damn! Damn it all! Can't do this—I said I couldn't cope if he spoke—
>>SEVERUS — is everything quite all right?
>>BRECON— you do know that I spontaneously start weeping at the sound of your voice?

*Everyone gawps at the ginger weirdo until his ears go red and he has to turn away. As he turns his back he makes a complicated sign with his right hand and to everyone else's astonishment James Potter materialises out of thin air.*

>>JAMES — bloody hell, I'm alive!
>>REMUS — you can't do that, as JK herself says, no one can come back to life.
>>BRECON — yes they. Th. This is my castle and what I say goes. I exist outside your time-space continuum, so therefore I could do whatever I liked and it would not affect what is going on in canon. *he inexplicably flicks his hand and gives Sirius pink fluffy bunny ears*
>>SEVERUS — *applauds* Nice one. Who are you and why are we here?
>>BRECON — good question, oh deliciousness...sorry...I'll try and stop, sugarplum, I really will. I am Alexander, Lord of Brecon. You are here because I wanted you to be here.
>>REMUS — can I just butt in here a minute. May I say you have a wonderful taste in interior decor. What you've done with the place. Making a feature of its original use is such an excellent idea. Anyone else would have knocked through and added a conservatory.
>>BRECON — Thanks. I quite like the interplay of the granite, the metal and the wood. Natural materials at their best. I was thinking of introducing a little leather, maybe a little raw silks — give the place a splash of colour. Burgundies and clarets, perhaps a nice royal purple—
>>JAMES — if you two have quite finished? Why are we here Brecon? What have we ever done to you?
>>BRECON — nothing! Mwhahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaa! *clears his throat, obviously a little embarrassed.* Sorry, that just popped out. You are here, my dear, dear, friends, to take part in a social experiment. Namely, reading fanfiction

*Severus, Remus and Sirius shriek with horror and try and hide under a nearby table holding some interesting looking tongs. Difficult when manacled to chairs considered the finest that Scotland has ever produced*

>>JAMES - *looking puzzled* is that bad?
>>OTHERS — Yes! ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
>>BRECON — enjoy. I shall leave you now to your misery — did I say misery? I meant entertainment, yes I did. *he wanders away, giving Severus one last lustful look*
>>JAMES — ah well, we'd better get on with this. The sooner we start—
>>SEVERUS — the sooner we lose our sanity.

Cake

>>REMUS — now that doesn't sound so bad. Maybe it's about a birthday or something?
>>SIRIUS — Remus. You saw the person who is inflicting this stuff on us. Would he really choose a fic with presents and cake and singing happy birthday around a campfire?
>>JAMES — I have a terrible feeling about this—

By Minx

>>SEVERUS — with a name like that—you were right to worry. No one in their right mind would call themselves Minx unless they were up to no good.
>>REMUS — oh, an author's note. That's nice of her.
>>Sirius - *snort* yeahyeahyeah M. Ve. Very nice of her—*mutter* damn fangirls—

A/N: 1. This little PWP

>>JAMES — PWP?
>>SEVERUS — porn without plot?
>>SIRIUS — plot what plot?
>>REMUS — poor William Pitt?
>>SIRIUS — William Pitt?
>>REMUS — Muggle Prime Minister.
>>SIRIUS — Ah!
>>JAMES — well, I've just looked at the rating, and this is an NC17 fic so even though Snape's idea seems the most interesting, that means that Sirius is the nearest. We are going to have sex people!
>>SEVERUS — hopefully not with each other, Potter—
*The other's cringe at the mental image—apart from Lupin, who looks more than a little interested.*

follows "Lost Feeling"—probably a few months after the conclusion of that story. "Lost Feeling" gives the back story to this pairing and the particular variant of their relationship you see here (trying desperately not to give anything away). This piece can be read on its own, but "Lost Feeling" will answer most of the questions you may have after you finish "Cake."

>>SIRIUS — 1—2—3—
>>ALL — BLATANT PLUG!!!!!

2. This is a response to Telanu's first line challenge on snapeslash.

>>SEVERUS - *up goes that sexy eyebrow* Snapeslash. This would be me, I presume? Capital letter, girl, capital letter. Nouns have CAPITAL letters. And challenge fics? No good EVER came out of a challenge fic.
>>JAMES — this is not good. We have found out that this has sex in it. Now we find out it has Snape in it. Snape + NC17 = graphic! Oh, I feel nauseous.
>>SEVERUS — and what, pray, is so sickening about me having sex?
>>SIRIUS — Snape, it's not just any old sex. It's slash—hehehehe!
>>JAMES — fill me in here—
>>SIRIUS — not the choicest of words at this moment in time—
>>JAMES — shut up. Slash is—?
>>SIRIUS — boy on boy action. Mano et mano. Hot gay sex. Homosexuality. Buggery, sodomy, arsebanditery—
>>REMUS — Snape+NC17+slash — I don't want to think about it—.actually, hang on—*ponders*
>>SEVERUS — really. You are still as childish as you all were in school.

"We need to have sex right now."

>>SIRIUS — without foreplay? Without lubrication? Where's the romance, Snape? I mean, really.
>>SEVERUS — might not be me. Might be the other person in this fic. I am a potions teacher — I know about providing suitable lubricant for sexual confrontations
>>REMUS — confrontations — you make it sound like it's a battle
>>JAMES — cockfight? *giggles*

Remus Lupin blinked.

>>REMUS — it's not involving me. I'm just in earshot and so shocked I go to my room
>>SEVERUS — and masturbate. It's you and me. Deal
>>JAMES — come on Moony! It's not you, its alternate univeyou.you. You are here, he is there. Never the twain shall meet, right?
>>REMUS — and all of you remember it, okay

He'd been reading when a familiar, peremptory knock sounded at his door. When he'd opened it, Severus Snape had swept in, locked the door, cast a silencing charm, and made his pronouncement. The dark eyes were now boring a hole in him.

>>SIRIUS — wouldn't that be painful
>>JAMES — and difficult. If he had a drill or something you'd understand, but with his eyes?
>>SIRIUS — maybe he has turned in to Cyclops?
>>SEVERUS — what on earth are you whittering on about now, Black?
>>SIRIUS — X-Men
>>REMUS - *dreamily* Wolverine—mmmmmm—sorry, sorry about that
>>JAMES — er —Remus—you know you can speak to me about ANYTHING, you know that, don't you?
>>REMUS - *rolls eyes* James, how long have you been dead? Things have changed, you know

"Er. May I ask why? A strange curse of some kind, perhaps?"

>>SEVERUS — curse my arse. I'm just horny
>>REMUS — Professor Snape!
>>SEVERUS — just go with it, uptight one. You'll enjoy it—

Snape advanced on him. "Several reasons. First, it's been a week."

>>SIRIUS — good god man, you know the ins and outs of the passing of time
>>JAMES - *applause*

He began stripping Lupin efficiently.

>>JAMES — of what, wallpaper? Paint?
>>REMUS — it's clothes, isn't it? I'm getting naked in front of Snape.
>>SIRIUS — well, it's his doing
>>SEVERUS — and I know you're loving it—
>>REMUS — well—maybe, possibly, I might be, I'll shut up now

"Secondly, yesterday in the staff meeting this lock of hair—" he touched the piece of hair in question— "kept falling forward over your cheek—" he touched the cheek. "But the most important reason—" Lupin found himself in his boxers

>>SIRIUS — are they the blue ones with the little wolves on?
>>JAMES — you don't wear boxers—
>>SEVERUS - *chokes* How the hell do knowknow that, Potter—hang on, I can guess—
>>JAMES — you wear boxer briefs. *grins smugly at Snape, who is going a little scarlet around the ears*

— "is that you ate dessert tonight." Snape flung off his own robe, revealing himself to be naked and fully aroused.

>>ALL (APART FROM SEVERUS) — NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>>SIRIUS — my eyes! My eyes! I'm blind! Blind, I tell you!
>>JAMES — mental image, bad. Mental image really bad—
>>REMUS — he doesn't look too bad—in a Slytherinny dark sort of way
*Everyone looks at Remus, who blushes defiantly. There is a slight smirk on the delectable Professor Snape's delicious and yummy upper lip*

Lupin blinked again. "I ate dessert."

>>JAMES — what you got against pudding, Snape? What harm has it ever done you?
>>SEVERUS — hey, I'm the real Snape, that's the AU Snape. Lupin is the one getting confused between fiction and reality, not me.
>>SIRIUS — pudding fascist.
>>REMUS — he was probably planning to smear the dessert—I'll shut up now, yes

"Yes." e pue pulled him into a crushing embrace.

>>SIRIUS — what a load of wank. You can't crush Remus, he's a werewolf. Superhuman strength has that advantage, you know

The hot mouth descended upon his. Lupin inhaled the scent of his lover's excitement,

>>JAMES — while he's kissing? Come on Minx! Breathing while kissing is impossible!
>>REMUS — unless you have circular breathing. That's very useful for other things—sorry

letting it spark his own; he'd been half-hard from the moment Snape came into the room. Something about the way the robes swirled around his legs.

>>SIRIUS — that's one thing I'll give you Snape — you billow most menacingly in your robes
>>REMUS — and sexily—werewolf mouth stay shut. Stupid mouth

Imagining Snape, nude and hard under the robe as he walked through the halls,

>>JAMES — AU Remus is a right little slut
>>SIRIUS — so's real Remus—

made Lupin moan. "Yes," Snape repeated, shoving off Lupin's boxers and dragging him to the bed. "The chocolate cake."

>>SIRIUS — what do you have against chocolate cake?
>>REMUS — damn, that would have smeared well too. Damn my greedy AU self, damn him to Hades and back.

Suddenly Lupin was on hinds nds and knees on the bed with two of Snape's oiled fingers up his ass. He groaned.

>>JAMES — woah! Fast work Snape. Ever heard of foreplay?
>>SEVERUS — of course. But what with Remus being a little goer and all, it seemed a little inconsequential

&nb The The fingers moved in and out. "You had quite a large piece of cake, in fact." A third finger. "What you did to it can only be called obscene."

>>SIRIUS — and what you are doing ISN'T obscene! Jesus!

The fingers withdrew, and Lupin felt a familiar hardness pressing against him. "You put the fork with the cake on it slowly into your mouth." The hard cock slid in deliberately. "You savored it." A warm hand wrapped around Lupin's cock and squeezed lightly. "You pulled the fork out of your mouth." The withdrawal was even more excruciatingly leisurely than the entry. "You chewed and swallowhe che cake." The hand on his cock didn't move, but the long thumb skated over the head, already leaking. "It took you fourteen bites to eat your piece of cake." The slow entry. "Fork in mouth." Light squeeze. "Savoring." The slower withdrawal. "Fork out." The thumb circled over the head of his prick. "Swallowing."

>>REMUS — AU Snape — stop torturing poor little AU Lupin and get him off, the poor man
>>JAMES — I'm not so worried about the sex as the obsessive detail—you must stare at him all the frigging time. No wonder he's screwed up
>>SEVERUS — I'm a Scorpio; we are obsessive, as AU me so elegantly demonstrates.
>>SIRIUS — Remus, aren't you a Virgo?
>>JAMES — not any more *snigger*

Lupin moaned. A drop of sweat rolled down his face, dripped off his chin.

>>REMUS — I do not sweat when I'm having sex. Perspire, maybe, but sweat? Pah!

He tried to move, but Snape held him still with a firm hand on his hip.

>>REMUS — bastard! Fuck me you git and stop all this hanging around. All I wanted was a good, hard shag and you came and went all torturous on me—
*sees the other's faces and shuts up. Fast*

"Twelve more bites." Snape repeated the process again, and again, and again. "After five bites, I didn't know if I wanted to be your fork, or your cake." Over and over, the glacially slow thrusts, the light touches to his cock. Lupin was whimpering by the time Snape stopped.

>>JAMES — now I'm having to agree with Remus. Fuck the poor man before he dies of old age.

"Fourteen bites." No movement. Lupin writhed frantically.

>>ALL (EXCEPT FOR SEVERUS) — GET ON WITH IT!

"You wiped your mouth on your white napkin." The hand on his cock stroked up and down once. "I wanted to be the napkin." Another stroke, and another. Slowly the pace sped up until Snape was fucking him full force, fisting his cock.

>>REMUS — finally. Snape, do you keep all your boyfriends hanging on in agony while you talk nonsense to them, or am I just the one who gets it in the end every time?
>>SIRIUS — well, you are getting it in the —
>>SEVERUS — please try and rationalise your mind, wolfboy. Me — real. Snape on paper — imaginary. Anyway, what is pleasure without pain?
>>JAMES — fun. And you don't have to explain to the doctor how the hell those marks got on your arse afterwards.
>>SEVERUS - *sigh* Gryffindors—

"I wanted to be anything you touched." The smoky voice went on.

>>SEVERUS — do I have a smoky voice?
>>SIRIUS — annoying yes, smoky no
>>SEVERUS — well, I have an effect on that Alexander thing
>>JAMES — really, Snape. He's so horny that a dead eel would have an effect on him—
>>SIRIUS — thanks for that mental image, Jamie. I shall savour that.

"To touch you any way I could. To fuck your mouth, your ass. To have any part of you." Lupin felt the prickle of orgasm racing through his body, into his balls, out through his cock. He started to come.

>>ALL (APART, INEVITABLY, SEVERUS) — woohoo!
>>REMUS — you go me!

Abruptly Snape withdrew completely; a second later, he took his hand away. Stifling a howl, Lupin came, ass clenching around emptiness, cock shooting into air. The warm, dark voice. "That's just right, just how I wanted to see you. Coming hard."

>>JAMES — now that is just evil. How many times have we told you — shag nicely and you'll get to play again.
>>SEVERUS — I rather think that AU me will get to play again. Rather soon in fact.
>>REMUS — I think he will too—and if you ever want to play again I'm sure I can—
>>SIRIUS — Remus—
>>REMUS — sorry, don't know what came over me
>>SIRIUS — AU you it looks like—

Lupin fell forward into his pillow. He had a brief moment there; then Snape flipped him over, slid two fingers into him, and sank his mouth over Lupin's still-hard cock.

>>REMUS - *smug look* ah, the advantages of werewolf status
>>EVERYONE ELSE — right' —whatever' —we so believe you Remus—'

Lupin struggled to get away from the overwhelming sensations as Snape ruthlessly stimulated his sensitive cock and balls. He couldn't figure out if it was painful or not; the long fingers stroked over his prostate with unerring accuracy, the hot mouth sucked him firmly, the pointed tongue vibrated against the underside of his cock, another hand fondled his balls.

>>REMUS — have to admit it — AU Snape knows what he is doing.
>>SEVERUS — what makes you think that AU Snape is the only talented one around here?
>>REMUS — can we have a chat later, just the two of us? About, well, you know
>>SIRIUS — stop it you two! Cottaging in a dungeon is even worse than cottaging in the public toilets in Hogsmeade
>>JAMES — even though here is far more hygienic
>>REMUS — and we had restraints and stuff provided—

Lupin pulled away from the probing fingers, shoving his cock harder into Snape's mouth. He cried out. Snape drew back, leaving his fingers inside, and stared at him. "Yes. This is what I wanted to see. You, fucked and wanting more." The fingers eased out slowlyfrozfrozen moment. Then Lupin pushed his hips forward helplessly. A small smile flickered over Snape's face. He pulled Lupin's legs over his shoulders and shoved his cock in hard.

>>JAMES — Snape, the Duracell Bunny. He just keeps going on and on and on
>>SEVERUS — as opposed to you, who takes ten minutes and that includes the time taken to eat the spaghetti

A distant part of Lupin's mind was grateful for the silencing charm as he shouted again. Snape was fucking him intensely, with swift, hard, deep strokes. He grabbed at Snape's shoulders, tangled one hand in the soft, dark hair,

>>SIRIUS — so you finally washed it then. It's quite incredible that it didn't fall out from shock

ran the other over his lover's chest, pinching lightly at the sensitiipplipples. He reached down to stroke his own cock, but Snape knocked his hand away. "That's mine."

>>JAMES — you are a possessive little bitch, aren't you Snape?
>>SEVERUS — Lupin is the bitch, not me
>>SIRIUS — the author really must hate Remus for some reason. Sure you haven't terrorised her in any way?
>>REMUS — apart from ignoring the fangirl thing and therefore have not shagged you?
>>SEVERUS — no wonder she's pissed off. Number one fangirl thing — Lupin and Black must shag, preferably after the latter has just escaped from Azkaban
>>REMUS — ew! Sorry Sirius, but I would not have touched you then, with all that hair. I could have caught fleas
>>SEVERUS — don't you have a flea collar to deal with that type of problem, Black?

The slick hand wrapped around him and started pumping. And the smoky voice was speaking once more. "I wasn't the only one who noticed your little display with the cake. Half the seventh-years were gaping at you, and some of the more precocious sixth-years.

>>SIRIUS — yeah! School orgy! Some of those little fifth form girls are cute
>>SEVERUS — lay one finger on them and I swear—
>>SIRIUS — yeahyeahyeah — they'll still be virgins for you, Snape. I don't do boys, you see. Well, not often

But I'm the only one who gets to see this," possessively. Lupin tried to stop listening to the words and just hear the voice pouring over him. "The only one to see you laid out like a delectable, fuckable treat. The only one—"

>>SIRIUS — have you ever seen that film American Pie?
>>EVERYONE ELSE — no
>>SIRIUS - there's this one scene with an apple pie and a randy teenager—now I have the image of Snape getting up on the top table and screwing that cake

"Sev!"
The dark eyes lifted. "Mm?" Sudden realization. He stopped moving. "Oh, god."
"No, it's—" Lupin was still achingly hard. He propped himself on his elbows so he could kiss the other man. "Just. Don't. Say.

That." In between reassuring kisses. "But keep. Talking."

>>JAMES — I think something angsty happened here
>>SEVERUS — Potter, as always you are quick on the uptake
>>REMUS — as quick as you are to have coitus with desserts

A deep breath. "Yes." Snape began thrusting in and out once more. "I'll tell you how hard I got watching you eat the cake. That fork— Your lips—" Lupin let himself get lost in the sea of sensations: the cock impaling him, the hand caressing him, the liquid opal voice murmuring.

>>REMUS — oooh, that's pretty—not all of it, not the scenario! The liquid opal—mmmmm. Lovely. She writes well does Minx

"Want to fuck you, love fucking you, love it—" The wave swept over him, crested, broke; pleasure poured through him and he howled again. Snape threw his head back and gave one last hard thrust, biting at his lip.

>>SEVERUS — it had to be in here somewhere. In every PWP there is a lip biting moment. I didn't think we'd have to wait so long
>>JAMES — you seem quite an expert on these, Snape—
>>SEVERUS —

Lupin let his legs fall to Snape's waist. The other man slid in and out languidly a few more times, then pulled out carefully. He hovered over Lupin for a moment before falling to the side. Lupin turned and drew Snape into his arms. Snape tensed briefly, then relaxed against him. He buried his face into the soft black hair and inhaled the familiar scent of mint and lemon.

>>SIRIUS - *gravely* gentlemen. I think a round of applause is needed for a Professor Severus Snape who has finally washed his hair after several years in the shampoo free wilderness. Snape, we salute thee.

Suddenly he was drowning in affection/concern/satisfaction/worry/love/hope—he gasped and drew back.

>>JAMES — good god! Get him out of there! Lifebelt someone! There's a man drowning over here and he's in mortal peril of being overcome by emotional waves!
>>REMUS — you really are strange sometimes James

"What is it?" Snape was staring at him. A shift in the dark eyes. "Tell me you didn't—"
Lupin nodded slowly. "I didn't mean to." Smelling other people's emotions was something he rarely did without permission.

>>REMUS — can I do that? Or is that another cruel AU trick that has been played on me?
>>SIRIUS — try it on that Alexander when he looks at Snape—

"Shit." The curse fell unexpectedly from Snape's lips. "I'm sorry." A sigh. He muttered, "And everything was going so well."
Lupin petted the dark hair. "I just. I can't, Sev." For a moment he almost wished he could. Could hope. Could love. Almost.

>>SEVERUS — now this is getting absurd. I'm the Slytherin! I'm the one who can't love and has little feelings! I'm a cold bastard and I'm prof iof it. Now the bloody Gryffindor is the hard-hearted one and I'm the one mooning over him—
>>JAMES — nice pun — mooning — hehehe
>>SEVERUS — shut it. I've been the one all through this story who has hurt and tormented Lupin and now he's going all funny and I'm supposed to have a heart. It's wrong, fanfic writers, it's wrong!
>>SIRIUS — well, that showed them. Cue lots and lots of Snape is a shit fanfics—come on, they're like it with the Malfoys — behind that evil exterior beats the heart of a fluffy cuddly puppy.
>>SEVERUS — it's wrong, utterly wrong I tell you!

Snape lifted a shaking hand to Lupin's face and rested the long fingers on his cheek. "I know."
Lupin turned his face slightly and kissed the trembling fingers. "But I—can we—" He started over. "Can we still be together? Like this
Th
The long thumb stroked his lips gently. "Hmm— Are you referring by any chance to the mind-blowing sex? Or simply the opportunity to guzzle all my good scotch?"

>>REMUS — you have good scotch? I never knew that. I thought you drank vodka — you know what with it being evil
>>JAMES — since when hadka dka been satanic?
>>SIRIUS - *darkly* since those bloody Smirnoff adverts came out. Guinness ones are far more superior
>>SEVERUS — hang on, does anyone else see the last line as me bribing Lupin for sex with alcohol?

He smiled under the caressing hand. He knew a yes when he heard one. He pulled up the covers with a wave of his hand and curled around the other man. On the verge of sleep, he gave a tentative sniff. The unfamiliar, unexpected tang of /hope/ filled him again. Briefly, he let himself savor the emotion he had never thought to experience again, even second-hand. His last thought before sleep overtook him was of ways he could persuade the house-elves to serve that chocolate cake more frequently.

>>SIRIUS — I knew it was your fault, you whore
>>REMUS — don't look at me, I didn't know he would have that reaction to cake. I mean, can't he control himself?
*The door to the dungeon once again bangs open and a minion pushing a trolley bustles in. Underneath the cloths he has some refreshment for them. Chocolate cake—*
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The Evil and Nefarious MST's of Lord Alexander