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Not Going To Let You Go	By : lilvior Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 900 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Title: Let Go

Author: Lilvior

Rating: R (possibly
lower)

Summary: Lupin can�t
handle the loss, depression goes a lot deeper than anyone realises.

Warning: Spoilers
galore for OotP, but not for HBP. Character
death. Naughty language. I sort of hint at some
m/m, but don�t worry; nothing actually happens.

Archive: I would be
honoured.

Disclaimer: I don�t
own the characters, if I did, Sirius would still be alive. Song belongs to New
Found Glory, though I can�t remember what the Hell
it�s called.

Rant: God DAMN JKR
that stupid woman. Okay, she evoked a reaction, which is exactly what she was
trying to do; so maybe killing the best character in the series wasn�t a
totally retarded move. But Sirius is � was � a hero! Couldn�t he have
died a hero�s death? Jumping between Harry and Voldemort
or something?

Anyway�

<><><><><><><><><>

�Let go

Of my hand.

Is it

Time to go?

I�m not ready to

Turn my back on you now.

I�m not gonna let you down.�

New
Found Glory

<><><><><><><><><>

�Come on, you can do better than that!�

The words echoed around Remus� head. Over and over he saw
the exact moment Sirius died. At that instant, a rather substantial part of
Remus died too. All sound had become muted, his vision had blurred, his mouth
had gone dry and his mind seemed to have gone completely blank.

Speaking on automatic, he�d told Harry that Sirius was dead.
He�d felt him die. And yet, even as he was trying to convince Harry that the
man was gone forever, he couldn�t quite believe it.

He wouldn�t believe it.

Dumbledore had accompanied the kids back to school, and
somehow Remus had found his way back to 12 Grimmauld Place. With a blank face he
had stumbled and limped past Molly and Severus, both of whom wanted to know
what had happened. But he couldn�t even open his mouth. He heard Molly cry out,
asking if her children were okay, then if Harry was all right. He felt a small
pang of guilt at not telling her they were all fine, he didn�t want her to
worry, but he couldn�t talk right now, he just had to get upstairs. He was saved
from guilt by the arrival of Mad-Eye and Kingsley, who explained everything. By
the time they�d finished, Remus had stepped into Sirius� room, he could hear
Molly crying. He shut the door behind him, and everything was silent. Sirius�
silencing charm on the room was still working.

The whole room smelled of Sirius. All his stuff was still
there. It seemed an odd thought, but for some reason, Remus had been expecting
all of Sirius� clothes and books and junk to be gone. It took a while to get
control of his legs, but eventually he had staggered over to Sirius� bed and
collapsed on it.

There the scent of his best friend surrounded him and threw
him into the reality that he was never going to see, speak to, hug or joke with
Sirius Black ever again. He lifted his face from the pillows briefly and cried
out as loud as he could manage. The pressure behind his eyes became painful and
huge tears rolled down his face. Remus had never cried like this ever before.
He was absolutely hysterical; anyone who knew him
would have been terrified to behold such a sight. He wasn�t so much sobbing, as
repeatedly screaming, tears refused to show any sign that they might be coming
to an end, his face was screwed up in an emotional pain the likes of which he�d
never felt, and without realising it, one of his legs was jerking
spasmodically.

With every breath, he was inhaling raw air saturated with
memories. His lungs ached with the weight of it. His head pounded from the
continuous sobbing, and his cries had been getting slowly quieter as weariness
took him over. Six and a half hours after Remus had stepped into the room, he fell into a deep painless sleep, void of dreams,
emotions and dead friends.

Nobody woke him, for one thing, they were all very busy, the ministry had finally come to their senses and were
asking rather sheepishly what had been going on for the past year. For another
thing, they all knew Lupin would need time to come to terms with the tragedy,
for him to deal with it in his own way.

None of them would have believed that he wouldn�t be able to
deal with it.

When Remus awoke, nearly twenty-four hours later, he felt
the brief, fleeting hope that it had all been a dream. But brief and fleeting
were all it was. In a matter of seconds he could think clearly. Waking in Sirius�
bed confirmed it. He was alone. Remus rolled off the bed, tried to stand, and
fell to his knees. Alone. The word seemed to be
everywhere, as if several people were hidden around the room, whispering it in
an attempt to drive him to insanity � an attempt that was veering toward
success.

All alone, he crawled on all fours to the small en-suite
bathroom.

All alone, he hauled himself up at the sink.

All alone, he stared at his reflection.

Then he retched, over and over until he was bringing up
nothing more than bile and blood.

Five hours later someone knocked on the door. Remus was
lying curled up on the floor, staring at a half-eaten plate of chips that had
been pushed under the bed and left there.

Sirius left those there, Remus thought, probably
thought he could clean it up when he got back from the Ministry. He
struggled to swallow the lump that was creeping up his throat.

Whoever was at the door knocked again.

�Remus, dear,� Molly�s voice called from behind the door,
�are you awake?�

But the voice was coming from another dimension. Remus�
stomach gave a horrible twist as he realised Sirius� spell had worn off. Soon
this room wouldn�t smell of him anymore and Remus would have nothing to
remember him by.

The door slowly creaked open, and Mrs Weasley had a clear
view of him.

�Oh you poor dear.� She said,
hurrying over to where he lay, and kneeling down to try to comfort him. �Were
you injured?� She asked, then, unsure of whether to take his silence as an
affirmative or negative, she tried to hoist him up into a sitting position.
Remus let his head flop limply onto her shoulder. Remembering how Remus had
comforted her after the incident with the Bogart, she felt she owed him some
comfort in return. They sat like that for a while, but eventually Molly let him
go, lying him back down on the floor.

�Would you like me to bring up some nice hot soup for you,
Remus?� She asked, her concern touched on Remus� mind slightly, and he turned
his head to face her.

�Chips.� He said,
his voice came out rough and scratchily.

�Chips?� Molly asked, concern
deepening.

�Chips under his bed.� A husky whisper. �He didn�t finish them, he�ll never
finish them.�

�Oh.� Less concern, more alarm.

Mrs Weasley hadn�t noticed she was backing away, until she
found herself in the hallway, at which point, she turned and bolted down the
stairs, desperate to find someone who could help.

Remus rolled back onto his side and continued staring at the
remains of Sirius Black�s last meal.

It was about an hour later when there was another knock at
the door. This time Remus heard it. But it didn�t matter, he was on his own,
now and forever, no matter how many people came in the room, he would be alone.

This time, when the door opened, Dumbledore stepped into the
room.

�Remus.� He said gently.

Remus didn�t move.

�Remus, sit up, please.�

Again Remus continued to lay still. There was nothing anyone
could do to him now; even as the Headmaster touched his hand, there was still a
million miles between them.

�Are you hungry?�

�Chips-�

�Yes, Molly�s told me about the chips.� The old man was
starting to get the idea of the situation. �Wouldn�t you rather have some
soup?�

�Sirius�� Remus� lip began to quiver, and soon he was crying
again.

Dumbledore turned and called someone in. Molly and Snape
stepped in.

�Molly, would you be a dear and make up some chicken soup,
bring up some chocolate as well, we all know what a sweet tooth Remus has.�
Molly left, she seemed happy to leave this room that felt like death. �Severus,
we are going to need a strong anti-depressant potion.�

�Strong.� Snape repeated. �How strong?�

�Well, we certainly don�t want him delirious, but it will
take a lot of Estle tree sap to bring him out of
this, and please hurry, he will continue to get worse until you have made the
potion.�

Snape gave a short nod, then turned and left. It wouldn�t be
the first time he�d stayed up all night brewing a potion for Lupin.

Dumbledore looked back at the shaking body in his arms, it
was really no more than an empty shell, all he could
do was hope that Remus was still in there somewhere.

Unfortunately, business called Dumbledore away before the
food was ready, and Molly found herself staying at the house slightly longer
than she�d intended, to feed Remus. She felt embarrassed for the poor man;
there was no dignity in being fed like a baby. She�d managed to sit him
upright, and, with one hand holding the back of his head, she was spoon-feeding
him, talking encouragingly. With a great sadness, she realised the last time
she�d done this was when Ginny was a baby.

�A few more mouthfuls, come on, that�s a good boy��

Then she heard a familiar �crack�.

�What are you up to mum?� Asked Fred.

�You were supposed to be home twenty minutes ago, we want
our�� George trailed off, staring shocked at the scene. �What�s going on?�

�Please go home boys.� Mrs Weasley said, in as steady a
voice as she could muster.

�What�s wrong with-�

�Go home.� She repeated, a little more sternly.

The twins obviously got the idea, both disapparated
at the same time, both wearing the same worried expression.

Molly continued feeding her charge,

�I�ll tell them not to say anything, they�ll understand.�
She said in a voice that she knew was patronising, but she couldn�t help it,
�They told me before, they think you were th-the best Defence Against the D-dark Arts t-teacher they�ve
ever h-h-had�� she turned away. She wasn�t entirely sure if Remus had any idea
what was going on, but she didn�t want him to see her cry. After a moment she
wiped at her eyes with a tissue, then fed Remus the
last of the soup. �Now, could you just eat a little bit of this for me�� she
broke off a couple of squares of chocolate and put them in his mouth. His jaw
worked mechanically, and Molly decided she�d done all she could. It took
surprisingly little effort to lift Remus and lie him down on the bed, he was
alarmingly light. His eyes closed as soon as he was lying down.

<><><><><><><><>

A/N: Well, that�s the end of the first chapter, chapters
will be longer after this one, please please review!!
I�ll try to update almost daily.
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Not Going To Let You Go

�Let go