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Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night	By : SylverIce2 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 2079 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
- 1
�� Remus was
standing on the roof of one of the towers, but the memories invoked were
bittersweet at best.� He stared out at
Hogwarts� grounds blindly, trying with a quiet desperateness not to think.

�� The waning
moon taunted him.� It was waning on
the night that Dumbledore first came to his house, with plans for him to attend
Hogwarts.� His mother had cried.� His father couldn�t stop shaking
Dumbledore�s hand.�

�� Dumbledore.� That brought him back to thinking.� Dumbledore dead.� Remus buried his face in his hands, trying
not to cry.

�� Such a
girl, Moony.�� The voice was almost
real, a velvet brush of memory.�
Sirius�s mocking grin hung in this mind, and he laughed as even as tears
fell.� �No escape.� Never an escape.�� He took a deep breath as he heard footsteps behind him.

�� He swiped a
hand across his face, straightening his robes, and his spine.� Turning, he saw Tonks standing in the faint
moonlight.� Not this.� Not now.�

�� Can I talk
to you, Remus?�� Her voice was faint,
and he swallowed hard.

�� Tonight�isn�t
good.�

�� Just for a
minute?�� Her eyes plead with him, and
he found himself nodding.

�� Grow a
bit of spine,, Moony, you git.��
Remus scrubbed a hand through his hair, trying to banish Sirius�
voice.� �What do you need, Tonks?�

�� Well�it�s
just�I wanted��

�� An answer,
I imagine.�

�� Why do you
push me away?�� There was desperation in
her voice, and she reached out towards him.

�� Why are
you pushing me away, Moony?�� Sirius
glared at him, lower lip stuck out in a pout, and Remus dropped his head into
his hands.� �Stop, stop, stop!�� He growled, pushing away emotions he�d
thought he�d come to terms with.� �Why
do you haunt me?�� He howled the words
up at the moon.

�� Tonks
stared at the devastated man, mouth open.�
She had never seen Remus lose control before. ��I didn�t�I wasn�t trying � oh god.�� She turned to run, and Lupin whirled to face her, breathing hard.

�� Oh, god,
not you, Tonks.� I�m sorry.� Not you.�
Sirius.�
He�s in my head, mocking me, calling out to me.� It�s been worse, tonight.� Because now that Dumbledore is dead, there�s
no one left.�� He laughed, bitter and
sharp.� �No one left who knows all of my
secrets.� I�m alone.� And I cannot follow.� I�m not allowed to follow.�� His voice dropped to a whisper.� �Not until Harry completes his mission.� Not until my final promises are fulfilled.�

�� What do
you mean, Remus?�� She stepped towards
him, but he backed away, not wanting her sympathy, her pity.� �You don�t sound like yourself tonight.�

�� Myself?� This is who I am!�� He began to pace, long fingers raking violently through his
hair.� �Broken, incomplete, ripped apart
inside and out from�him�.�

�� Him?� Sirius?�
But�.�� Her voice dropped to a
whisper, comprehension beginning to creep in at the edges.

�� Sirius.� The only person to have the honor of trampling
my world to pieces twice.�� He tipped
his head back, staring up at the stars.�
�We used to sneak up here while James and Peter were sleeping.� We hid from everyone, even James.� He didn�t learn about it until his wedding,
when Lily caught us out.� Sirius had had
too much to drink, had dragged me out to dance.�� The brown-haired man sighed, remembering Lily�s astonished
shriek, James� dumbfounded look, as Sirius� warm grey eyes laughed into his,
the scent of rum hot on his breath.�
�Dumbledore found out when he approached us about the Order of the
Phoenix for the first time.�� A
knowing glance, a few quiet promises of giving them assignments together, a way
for Remus to work, a way for Sirius to take care of him.

�� The younger
woman stared at him in shock.� Remus was
too tired, too defeated to care.� The
floodgate had opened, and he wasn�t sure how to stop the words.� �I was twenty-two when my world
stopped.�� The fighting, the
desperate silences.� The final day, when
James and Lily were killed, when Sirius was dragged away to Azkaban with barely
a trial.� The desolation of an empty
bed, a cold flat.� The frightening
feeling that all of it was wrong, that he�d sat back and let something
beautiful be killed.� �Dumbledore
gave me a job to do.� Twelve years of
work, he gave to me so that I could find a purpose.� I came to Hogwarts to teach for two reasons � because Dumbledore
asked me to, and because James� son needed me.�
To protect Lily�s baby when she couldn�t.� I was nothing but duty.

�� And then I
found myself staring into Sirius� eyes again, heard his voice, felt his arms
around me, and everything I had been ignoring came rushing back.�� He held his hands out, staring at them as
though he�d never seen them before.� He
tried to stop talking, tried to hold back from putting that stricken look in
Tonks� eyes, but more words came pouring out.�
�All of a sudden, he was here, and I had another chance.� The truth came out that night, and my world
realigned.�� The taste of lost
moments and pointless fights.� The sound
of echoing mistrust.� The musky scent of
Padfoot that had dogged Sirius ever since his first transformation.

�� I
discovered that both of us had given in to doubt, all of those years before,
and those lost years were lost because we didn�t believe.� Dumbledore found a way to save him.� While I stood and felt helpless,
useless.� I nearly killed all of them,
but Sirius�oh god, always, always there, just like the old days.�� The howling, the scent of James and
Lily�s son, the fear that was quickly replaced by the werewolf�s lust for
blood.� Waking up in the Forest in the
morning, naked, shivering, terrified that he�d hurt Harry, or one of the other
students.� The desperate need for Sirius
to find him, to tell him it would be all right.� To be there, as he had always been, so long ago.

�� You knew
he was an AniMagus?�� Tonks was rocked,
both by the story and by the uncharacteristic fury of emotions that Lupin was
burning with.

�� He � they
all � learned how for me.� For me.� James figured out that I was a werewolf, and
instead of being afraid of me, instead of abandoning me, they found a way to
save my sanity.� Dumbledore gave me a
safe cage � they, Sirius, made it a haven.��
Remus wiped at tears that spilled against his will.� �Only a little while�he had to run, hide
from everyone.� Finally, it was
Dumbledore again, who found a way for us.�
I had him for so little time before he disappeared through that veil.� I wanted nothing more than to follow him,
but I had to hold Harry back.� My duty.�� He said it like a curse, nearly spitting the
word, his normally calm expression twisted with anger.� The slow fall of Sirius� body, the
surprised expression.� The moment when
he had nearly flung himself forward.�
The shock when instead he found himself grabbing James and Lily�s son.

�� That�s
our Moony, upholding order and justice and duty.�� Silver eyes glinted at him with humor, the satin voice rubbing
through his mind.� Remus slid down the
rough stone and pulled his knees to his chest, resting his head against the
soft corduroy of his trousers.

�� Sirius
might be dead, but you�re not, Remus.�
Why not try to be happy?� Why not
see if I can�t help fill some of that space?��
She knelt, leaning forward to touch his knee.� He could feel the warmth of her hand near his face.� He looked up, his eyes meeting hers, and she
could see the yellowish glint that the moonlight gave them, the wildness that
he couldn�t hold back.

�� He isn�t
dead.� He�he�ll come back.� There�s no way that fate could be this
cruel.�� Remus�s voice cracked.� �All I have left is Harry and my work with
the Order.� All I have left is the hope
that he�ll return.�

�� I�ll
love you for always, Moony.� I�d say
we�ll always have Paris, but it sounds too soppy.�� Warm arms held him, and he was drowning in
the scent of dog.

�� Remus!� Remus?��
Tonks� hands, too small, on his shoulders, shaking him.� He blinked at her.

�� I think
I�m losing my mind.�� His voice was a
whisper of sound through the darkness, his eyes blank.� �I�m losing my mind, and I�m not allowed to.� Harry still needs me.� More than ever, as I�m the only one left who
remembers.�� His fingers tightened,
tangling in his robes.� Everything
lost.� Years, friends, memories,
love.� What was left?

�� What about
what you need?� Remus, you�re going to
break under this strain.� Why won�t you
let me help?�

�� Because
you want things that I cannot give.� I�m
broken inside, and still in love with Sirius.��
He paused.� �Oh, god.� That�s the first time I�ve said that aloud
in�� He drew in a shaky breath.� �I had him for a grand total of six years,
twenty-seven days, fourteen hours, and six minutes, and it WAS NOT ENOUGH.� It will never be enough, but
it�s all that I will ever have.�
There is nothing left of me for anyone else.� Sirius�he filled my heart.�
There�s no space left that he hasn�t claimed.�� He looked at her, embarrassed finally at the torrent of words
that had spilled out.� He blushed, but
pushed on, realizing that he couldn�t stop until she understood.� �Do you have any idea what it�s like to love
so completely that it feels as though you can�t breathe without the other
person?� To be loved so thoroughly that
time and distance and death lose all meaning, and all you can feel is that
person?�

�� She was
silent, and Remus touched her hand where it still lay on his knee.� �I�m sorry, Nymphadora Tonks.� You are not the man that I found that kind
of love with.� He came back to me once,
and all I can do is believe against all rational sanity that he will manage it
again.�� His voice was as gentle as he
could make it, when all he wanted to do was scream at her, �go away, for you
are not Sirius, will never be Sirius, and I will never love you as I loved
Sirius.�

�� I�m
yours, Moony, now and for always, and I�ll always come back to you.� Nothing matters now but that you forgive me,
and that we still love.� I won�t let it
happen again.� I won�t let you lose me
again.� After all, fate brought us back
together against all the odds, right?��
That familiar voice, roughened by the years at Azkaban, purred through
his soul, wrapping him in hope.� He
could feel the strands of Sirius� long hair brush against the back of his neck,
the warm arms wrap around him from behind, holding fast to keep out the
world.� There was always hope.� Even if it meant going a little mad.

�� Remus Lupin
smiled softly, and clung tighter to his memories.� And Nymphadora Tonks realized finally as she looked into his eyes
and saw Sirius Black staring back at her, that while she would never have the
fragile werewolf, neither would anyone else.�
She took a deep breath.� �Can
we�at least�be friends?�� There was pain
in her eyes, but her voice didn�t shake when she asked the question.

�� He smiled
again, the shadows softening the tired lines of his face so that he looked
younger.� �Of course.�� He looked up at the sky, saw the gentling of
night.� �Come to the funeral with
me?� I�m not sure that I can face it
alone.�

�� She nodded,
letting Remus take her hand and help her stand.� She could feel the brittle strength in his lean body as he stood
a little straighter under his self-imposed duty, and her hair began to brighten
to pink.

�� In the back
of his mind, Remus heard Sirius laugh, and knew that he would never be truly
alone.
- 1
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Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night