Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Linger	By : starstruck86 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 3932 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor do I make any money from these writings.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
A/N: Hey all. First
off, this is a sequel to �January�.� It�s
not particularly necessary to read it; you�ll glean everything you need from
the chapters here. However if you would like to: http://hp.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600022969

Anyone following my
RW/SS work would do well to read this as it�s basically Severus� history.

I had great fun
writing this, mainly because it�s uncharted water �nobody really knows about either
Remus or Severus� character at the time this fic is
set and I had much fun playing with them, their humour and their lives.

The song quotes are
named at the beginning of each chapter; I have thought carefully about them and
listened to each closely as I�ve written. The quote used for chapter 8 I found
particularly beautiful.

Watch out for some
extreme fluff around chapter 7, and the smut kicks in of sorts around the end
of chapter 2 (remember this is porn with sort of a plot). Enjoy, and please
review and rate if you have time! X

--------

January 8^th
1982

�Oh, I thought the
world of you.

I thought nothing could go wrong,

But I was wrong. I was wrong.� �Linger�.

Remus sat
staring into the fireplace opposite the sofa on which he sat; hand curled
around the glass of whatever it was Severus had pushed on him. He hadn�t drunk
any of it, or even really spoken, he�d just sat staring at the dancing orange
flames. A clock ticked somewhere in the small living room and he let his eyes
search it out, to see how long it had been since he�d found out the news which
had torn his world apart.

Lily and James dead. Sirius in Azkaban. He�d been away,
working undercover� and nobody told him. He had heard of Voldemort�s
apparent demise but not the specifics, either way, he couldn�t have celebrated
or commiserated too openly. He had returned home just that evening, after a
hard Christmas away from Sirius. He had been longing to see him, only to find
their flat empty, and cold. Sickeningly, he�d learnt the truth from the
Prophets left rolled up on their kitchen table, as nobody was around to cancel
the subscription they�d provided him with a chronology of events.

Two months
he�d been inside and Remus had no idea. He had no idea whether Sirius knew he
was still away. There was a burning in his chest as he thought of him. Tall,
muscular, immaculately groomed, smelling like leather and sex� the burning got
stronger. And then it was doused as Remus had to remind himself, yet again,
what the papers said. That Sirius had killed a dozen muggles, and Peter,
blowing apart a street as he did so.

His lower
lip started to shake uncontrollably and his hand was rattling around the glass,
the ring on his middle finger tapping against it and giving him away to the
room�s other occupant. The ring Sirius had given him with a laugh, saying it
was good as they�d ever get to a wedding band. And then he had put one on his
own finger and waved his wand and bonded them together in a whisper of Latin
and smiles.

Severus
Snape looked up at the noise, from where he was pretending to read the
newspaper. He didn�t know what to say to Remus. It was clear from his
threadbare state, dirty complexion and sagging posture that he had only just
returned from the undercover work Dumbledore always hinted at and learnt of
everything that had gone on in the last two months. Severus� heart sped up when
he thought of his own involvement. He unknowingly bit into his bottom lip,
trying hard not to get caught up in the thoughts again. Not now. Not with Remus sitting in the same room.

The clock
chimed and he saw Remus jump slightly, then flush as he caught Severus� gaze.
�Sorry, I�ve� been out of civilisation for a while.�

Severus
could only shrug. His voice rarely failed him as much as this.

It was late
and he was tired. He�d spent the day going through his infernal teacher
training programme at the school. Dumbledore might have offered him sanctuary
but he wasn�t giving him an easy route. He was halfway through his first year
of teacher training and still lived in his parents� home, alone, since his
mother killed herself the August before. Severus swallowed and switched his
mind to other things, namely, what Remus wanted from him, what he was doing in
his living room and when he planned to leave, so Severus could go to bed. That�s unsympathetic, he chided himself
mentally.

�I�m sorry,
I�m causing you an inconvenience,� Remus suddenly said, and set down his drink
on the table next to the sofa and got to his feet. �I just� I didn�t know where
else to go� I had nowhere else��

Severus
also got up and frowned slightly, questions rushing to the fore of his mind. �What
about your parents? And� how did you find me, anyway?�

�I�m
sorry,� Remus repeated and turned to the door, the ratty travelling cloak about
his shoulders swishing feebly as he did so. �I�m going.�

�You don�t
have to go,� Severus said firmly, reaching out to put his fingers on Remus�
arm.

He jumped
at the touch and gasped slightly, before pulling his body out of reach.

Baffled by
the hurt he was feeling, Severus let his hand drop down by his side and stood
awkwardly looking at Remus, who had, albeit a long time ago, once welcomed
Severus� touches. A very long time ago.

�Are you
sure?� Remus asked quietly.

Severus
wasn�t sure. But he could hear the rain howling down outside and it was
freezing. He wasn�t about to turf Remus out onto the street with nowhere to go
other than what he presumed was an empty flat. �Stay,� Severus rubbed his thumb
over the end of his wand in his pocket.

Considering
that Remus had just shied away from his touch, Severus was surprised to find
himself swept up into a hug. He closed his eyes and leant into the embrace, his
first for at least a year. He thought how pathetic that was, that nobody had
given him a hug for a year. But he wasn�t particularly a huggy
person. Remus didn�t pull away and Severus could smell earth on his clothes and
the stench of a person not properly washed for a good few weeks.

Yet again,
Remus seemed to read his mind and pulled away, looking apologetic with a flush
creeping over his pale cheeks. �Sorry. Underground doesn�t really allow for-�

�Bathroom
is next door,� Severus cut him off, not wanting to make him uncomfortable in
having to explain. �Did you bring anything with you?�

�N-no. I
just� left,� Remus� eyes fluttered shut and he hung his head.

�How did
you find me?� Severus asked quietly, reaching up to tuck his hair behind his
ear for something to do.

�I knew
where you lived� they printed your address last year when they printed your
mother�s obituary in the back of the paper. I just remembered the street name
and number� I am sorry for intruding like this.�

All this
was spoken in a quiet, slightly trembling voice.

Severus
swallowed. �Don�t be sorry. I understand. You don�t want to be alone.�

�Not
tonight, not ever,� Remus� eyes were open again and Severus hated the tears he
saw in them.

I always knew he would hurt you. You
were too precious for him to have.

�I�ll find
you some� stuff to wear� use whatever you want to clean up�� Severus gave a
little nod and stepped around Remus and out into the hallway.

Remus was left
looking into the mirror over the fire, and was shocked at how awful he looked.
His hair was greyer than the last time he�d managed to find a mirror, his face
pale and grimy, jaw line coated in coarse stubble
which was all he ever managed to grow, much to Sirius� amusement. His gut
clenched at thinking his name. He thought of him every thirty seconds nearly
every day. How on earth was he going to survive that pain every thirty seconds?
He didn�t see how he could.

He heard a
creak in the floorboards above his head and it dragged him back to his current
state. He reached up and pulled the cloak off his shoulders, thinking it�d
probably just be easier if he burnt it. It was all it was good for. He had
another, back at the flat� but the thought of re-entering it sent him cold
again. Remus folded the cloak and rested it gently on the arm of the chair,
shivering as he missed its warmth. Severus� house was tiny and cramped,
unappealing, especially compared to the flat he and Sirius had made for
themselves. But Remus was just grateful that he wasn�t alone.

He headed
into the bathroom and lit it, finding it just as small as the rest of the
house. But it was better than where he�d spent the last three months, at least.

***

It was half
an hour before Severus heard the bathroom door open from his position in the
kitchen. He turned, the spoon still in his mouth, and looked over Remus as he
emerged. He looked far more like his teenaged self with his jaw shaven and his
hair clean, even if it was slightly greyer than the last fleeting glance
Severus had gotten of him, the year before.

�Thank you
for the clothes,� Remus said quietly, stepping closer.

Black isn�t his colour. Severus thought on that as he
removed the spoon from his mouth to speak, eyes trailing down over Remus. He looks like he�s going to a funeral. Realising
how accurate his thought had metaphorically been, Severus licked his lips.
�That�s okay.�

�Never
really had you down for a midnight snack kind of person,� Remus smiled at him
awkwardly, eyes flitting to the open half-eaten tub of ice cream in Severus�
hand and the spoon dangling from his other.

�I�m not,�
Severus said automatically, and set it down. �I actually got it out for you;
thought the sugar might do you some good. And you always had an insane sweet
tooth.�

�Not much
has changed,� Remus said quietly, and ghosted over to look out of the glass of
the back door.

�Well, here
you go then,� Severus pushed the tub towards him and set his spoon down quietly
in the sink, before turning to sit at the small wooden table squeezed into the
room. �Spoons are in the draw next to the sink.�

Remus
followed the instruction and sat down opposite Severus. It felt so odd sitting
there together that neither could speak. Severus was bursting with questions,
and Remus was becoming curious too.

�Do you
live here by yourself?� Remus asked quietly, digging the spoon into the
softening ice cream and raising it to his lips.

Severus
nodded. �Yes� just me.�

There was a
sadness and finality in that which made Remus� stomach clench as he was
reminded that he too would be quite alone in the world as soon as he left
Severus� house. The clock in the living room chimed again, making feel Remus
feel guilty for keeping Severus awake into the early hours of the morning.

�Its fine,�
Severus beat him before he could apologise. �It�s not like I�d be asleep
anyway.�

He offered
no further explanation and Remus remembered enough of his character not to ask
for one.

Instead, when
Severus spoke again, he couldn�t keep the question in that he was bursting to
ask. �Remus. Was he�?�

Heart
thumping, Remus sucked around the lump of ice cream in his mouth, the cold
against his teeth a stark contrast against the heat rising in his body. He
swallowed and stared at the spoon. �I�m� in shock, Severus.�

Severus
noted the hurt that haunted across Remus� chocolate golden eyes. It was too
soon for that sort of question. And, anyhow, why on earth should Remus tell him
the answer? And Remus might assume that granted him liberty to ask Severus a
personal question in return. Such as, why he was suddenly on their side a year
before the fall� Yes. Remus knew about that. He didn�t know why though.

�I�m
certain he wasn�t actively supporting him,� Remus whispered. �I�m certain of
that. He loathed him. That sort of thing estranged Sirius from his family� and
killed Regulus.� He paused as he realised that was the first time he�d spoken
Sirius� name aloud since reading the papers. A visible shudder passed through
him. �But� murdering all those people� I don�t� he always had a temper� I can�t
think that he� I don�t know,� he shook his head finally and looked up at
Severus, letting the spoon fall into the melting dessert.

Severus
tried to stare blankly back. But the truth was he remembered Regulus dying. He
remembered it because he�d seen it and thinking of it made him feel ill. So his
blank stare was more pained than anything else. Remus was fingering the ring on
his middle finger as though he was trying to take the answers from the metal.

�Did you� is that�?� Was all Severus could get out, mouth falling
slightly slack as he saw the unmistakable signs of bonding magic on the metal.

�Mm,� Remus
murmured.

�When?�
Severus leant forward slightly.

�Last
year,� Remus shook his head to get his hair out of his eyes, longer and
shaggier than ever before.

�I�m
sorry,� Severus said quietly again, unable to find anything else to say.

Remus didn�t reply, he merely exhaled shakily. �I don�t know what to do.�

�I wouldn�t
either.�

�Yes you
would.�

�Why on
earth do you assume that?�

Remus
shrugged. �You�ve always been so��

�Hard-hearted?� Severus narrowed his eyes.

�No,
Severus, I don�t mean that. I just mean� you�ve always been better at just
getting on with it.�

�What�s �it�
when it�s at home?�

�Stop being
obtuse,� Remus pleaded gently.

�Stop
thinking you know me,� Severus shrugged.

And Remus
shut up at that. Because it had been five years since he and Severus had last
had any extended interaction. Just before he and Sirius had gotten together.
They didn�t know each other. A lot
could happen in five years to change a person. Remus almost snorted as he
realised, thinking back on the now-tearstained copies of the Prophet in his
flat, that a lot could apparently change in three months, let alone years.

�Sorry,�
Remus muttered, looking down at the ice cream. He should be hungry, he
realised, but for once in his life, he wasn�t.

�Why on
earth are you apologising?� Severus gave a little laugh. �Christ, Remus� if I were
you I�d be hurling insults at the nearest person, not engaging in light
bantering.�

�Never been
one for shouting,� Remus couldn�t smile, thinking back on his and Sirius�
selection of fights.

Fights
which would go in the pattern of Sirius shouting, Remus placating, Sirius
shouting some more, Remus providing a calm and logical argument, Sirius
stomping around the room, Remus holding back his laughter and then the cycle
would repeat. Remus rarely ever shouted himself.

Severus
rubbed his hand over his mouth and thought on how much Remus should be shouting
at him, how much he would be shouting at him, if he knew the truth. If it was
because of Severus that Lily and James were dead and that Sirius was in
Azkaban. That�s not true. I was never
entrusted with the knowledge of who the spy was. He never told me and I never
found out. It didn�t mean Severus couldn�t feel guilty about his
suspicions, although he�d admit his suspicions never fell on Sirius Black.

�I just
can�t think� I don�t know what to do. The flat, everything, it�s in Sirius�
name.�

�You didn�t
sign the lease together? Or� the deeds? Does he own
it?�

�He bought
it with the money his uncle left him when he died,� Remus swallowed. �It�s his
property, fully paid for. Probably why it�s still there and the Ministry hasn�t
seized it.�

�Well then
you can still live there, can�t you? If there�s not the
question of rent or paying the mortgage?� Severus tapped his fingers
against his chin.

�Could you
live there?� Remus asked desperately.

�I�m used to living somewhere with bad memories attached,� Severus cast his
eyes over the kitchen.

�Oh�
right.� Remus frowned. �Sorry. I forgot. I should have remembered that, Lily
said��

Severus�
heart clenched in his chest and he must have gone pale, because Remus instantly
seemed to realise his mistake and took to apologising again. �Severus, that was
thoughtless� I shouldn�t have mentioned��

He waved
his hand to get him to shut up. He didn�t want Remus� apologies. He didn�t
deserve them. Everything was down to his foolish mistakes. And yet in his
heartache he felt ridiculous at the little squirm of his stomach when he
thought back on Remus� words, that Lily had said something to Remus about him. She�s dead, buried, rotting. She�s never
going to say anything about you again and that�s your fault. Stop.

�I�m going
to bed,� Severus stood up abruptly. �I left a duvet and a pillow on the sofa.�

Mouth open,
Remus rose to his feet, his sorrow and apology mingled in the premature lines
of his face. At twenty-one he already looked like he was just shy of thirty,
although Severus had to concede that if that was Remus at thirty, then
thirty-year-old Remus looked good. As good as sixteen-year-old Remus had
looked. And thinking that isn�t going to
help either of you.

�Thank
you,� Remus put the lid back on the ice cream. �But I think� I�ll just go
h-home.�

Severus
raised an eyebrow.

�I need� to
lie down properly,� Remus explained, and for the first time Severus carefully
looked at the way he was holding himself, and could have kicked himself for not
realising that after three months undercover, Remus had probably been healing
himself after the full moons, and thus somewhat insufficiently.

�Do you
need healing?� Severus cut to the chase. �Who normally heals you when you come
back?�

Remus� face
actually crumpled at that and, alarmed, Severus found himself reaching forward
to touch and comfort without thinking. It seemed there was nothing left of the
smiling teenager he had hugged five years ago, as he uncharacteristically stood
in an embrace with him for the second time that evening. Feeling faintly
ridiculous, Severus let Remus bury his face into the material of his shirt and
let him stay there. Every inch of the brown haired man was shaking, even his
hair.

And he was
so bony. Severus thought back, knowing Remus had always been skinny, but he
used to be soft. But in his arms all he could feel were bones, not an ounce of
extra flesh anywhere. His face was much thinner than Severus had it on memory.
Obviously working underground made it hard for him to eat consistently.

Severus
felt the need to care surge through his system in a way he wasn�t sure he�d
ever felt before. In his arms he held the remains of a person he had once
known, once appreciated physically. That person still breathed but was changed
at the core, just like he had been.

Except
Remus had only ever been an innocent player in the cosmic joke. Severus had
been far more, far stupider. Remus� hurt was down to him. Maybe that was where
the need to care was coming from, his guilt. And Severus knew guilt like an old
enemy. He knew instantly he wouldn�t be turning Remus Lupin away that night,
and that he wouldn�t be allowing him to sleep on the world�s most uncomfortable
settee, either. But he wasn�t going to openly display his guilt for Remus; he
would hide it as long as he possibly could. Everything that was going to happen
had to be under Remus� volition.

And Severus
knew Remus would ask, because he could read him so easily, even so many years
later than when he had first attempted to and been proved right. The man in his
arms shifted and looked up at him, murmuring close to his face.

�Can you
heal me?� his tone was depressed.

�I can
try,� Severus replied quietly.

�It�s the
stuff on my back, mainly� I managed to heal everything else and fix the bones
that needed it.� Severus winced at that and Remus sighed. �Just part and parcel
of what I am.�

�Go
upstairs,� Severus pushed him away gently with firm hands. �My bedroom is the
one with the open door. Don�t go in the other room, please. I�ll be up in a
minute. I just need to find my healing kit.�

With a
grateful look, Remus went. Severus allowed himself a few moments of quiet
before turning into the bathroom and pulling his healing kit out of the cabinet
there. It was still steamy from when Remus had used it. With a tiny
disbelieving gasp, Severus saw that Remus had left him a smiley face in the
steamed up mirror. He wasn�t used to such friendly gestures �especially from
someone as clearly distraught as Remus was.

He headed
up the stairs unsure of what he might find, but Remus was merely sat on the bed
waiting for him. He dropped the kit on top of the duvet and swallowed. �Come on
then, let me see what you�ve done to yourself.�

�I�m worse
than I was at sixteen,� Remus meant it to be a warning but it came out as a
pathetic service announcement. He slipped the shirt off his shoulders and
flushed as he heard Severus� exclamation of shock.

�These are
infected,� he felt cool fingers on his back. �And they have been for a while.
Honestly Remus, how could you let them get so bad?�

�I�m not a
contortionist,� Remus murmured quietly, a stab in his gut hurt as he remembered
that Sirius always joked that his wolf was just that.

�Lie face
down on the bed, I don�t want to heal them with your skin taut,� Severus� hands
disappeared and Remus complied without question, only managing to muster the
emotion of gratitude.

He remained
quiet, head resting on his arms, until something on his lower left side stung
violently and he jumped.

�Cream is
drawing the infection out, it�s my own...� Severus explained, watching as the
cut skin began to lose the greenish tinge and turn pink again, blood coming to
the fore. He cleaned it away with a sweep of his wand and repeated it until the
skin was free of infection and blood. Then he washed out the cut, making Remus
hiss in pain, before dragging the tip of his wand only millimetres above the
broken skin, knitting it back together.

He moved on
to the other cuts which needed his attention, feeling slightly sick at the
damage Remus had done to himself and been unable to
care for.

�Shit,� he
muttered. �Remus, this has healed over the infection�. I need to��

�Just do
what you have to do,� Remus squeezed his eyes shut for the pain he knew was coming,
because Severus would have to re-open the scar, apply the cream and heal it
again.

Rather than
dragging it out, Severus cut the skin quickly using his wand, only opening as
much as he had to, before vanishing the first wave of
angry blood and smoothing the cream over the affected area. He had to re-apply
the cream to get it all out, but the process only took him five minutes.� And he was surprised that that was all he was
required to do. �Done,� he said, and Remus jerked out of the reverie he�d fallen
into.

He pushed
himself up off the bed and reached for the shirt again, but found it in
Severus� hands; he was holding it out to him. Their fingers brushed as Remus
accepted it.

�Thank
you,� Remus slid his arms into it, feeling how much better his back felt
already.

He paused
before setting his fingers to the buttons, feeling awful for what he was about
to say. �I�m still going to go home, I think.�

�Why?�
Severus packed away his healing cream without looking at Remus.

�I just
need... well. What I really need is human arms, preferably around me,� Remus
exhaled. �But failing that I need to smell him. That
probably sounds stupid to you.�

�It
doesn�t,� Severus swallowed. �I know what you mean. But I don�t think I could go and smell him right now.
You�re welcome to stay here; I�ve already told you that.�

�I know,
but it�s� I feel�� Remus couldn�t get the words out.

What he was
really feeling was guilt that yet again, he was encroaching on Severus�
personal space when Sirius had neglected him, left him behind. It had happened
when they were sixteen with a very physical response. And if he stayed again,
would it progress to that? Did he want that? He wasn�t sure he would ever know
what he wanted, other than Sirius back by his side, ever again. But it wasn�t
fair on Severus.

Severus
sent the healing kit back down to the bathroom using his wand, and turned to
face Remus. Once again his face was stupidly readable. Exhaling, Severus fell
down to sit on the bed, still looking up at the brown-gold eyes. He gave a
small shrug of his shoulders but did the only thing he could think of to help
Remus in his decision; he reached out and took his hand, lacing their fingers
together in a tight grip, and pulled Remus to sit down next to him.

�I don�t
want it to look like I�m using you,� Remus whispered quietly.

�Some people deserve to be used,� Severus replied in a hard tone, but didn�t
release Remus� hand. �Some people deserve to only ever be second best.�

Frowning,
Remus made to reply but Severus shook his head. �No. Don�t talk about what you
don�t understand. If you�re going to stay in my bed, you can. Just shut up.
Don�t talk. Not tonight.�

Severus got
to his feet and crossed to the left hand side of the bed, flicking his wand,
plunging the house below them and the cramped landing outside the door into
darkness. He changed quickly into a huge, shapeless nightshirt and disappeared
beneath the duvet.

Remus was
left with his mouth open. He had never thought of sharing Severus� bed, but now
the offer was there he was so tempted to seize on it with both hands, to feel
the warmth of another person as he slept.

Guilt
reared up in him, however, guilt at what felt like betraying Sirius, sleeping
with another man, and guilt at feeling as though were using Severus, again. His
hands trembled as he slipped the shirt back off his shoulders, letting it fall
to the floor, and then pushing down the dark jeans Severus had leant him. He
felt numb as he pulled back the duvet and slid on to the firm mattress, pulling
the thick cover back over him, head hitting an alien pillow.

He
swallowed and realised he was shivering.

Severus
could feel it through the mattress and he wordlessly turned off the bedroom
light. Remus didn�t comment on the sudden darkness, just kept on shivering. Severus
wanted to roll over and hold him but was afraid that would look too forward,
too intimate, given their current circumstances. But then maybe intimate was
what their circumstance called for.

He was
still torn, considering his options, when he heard a small groan and then a
sniff, and his decision was made for him. He turned in the bed and instantly
connected with the thin body next to him and wrapped his arms around Remus in
an embrace that he hoped provided comfort. Remus clutched him back and Severus
recognised desperation when he saw it. He�d had a two month head start on
Remus; after all, he was two months further down the line of agony. Swallowing,
he let his head rest on the pillow next to Remus�, and just held him.
- 1
- 2
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Linger