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Plunk, You Dunderhead	By : QueenB Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 3682 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter in anyway, shape or form. The rights of such belong solely to J.K Rowling. I do not make any money or accrue any monetary benefit on this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Plunk, You Dunderhead
- 2-Chocolate-Covered Goodness
- 1
- 2
Title: Plunk, You Dunderhead
Author: QueenBoadicea
Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Distribution: Do your worst--it can’t compare to my worst ;)

Severus stopped when he entered their house. His eyes narrowed.
It was quiet. Too quiet.
True, he preferred the silence to unnecessary noise. Years of teaching rambunctious, if easily cowed children, had caused him to cherish quiet summers when the majority of the little brats went home to their parents or guardians. Leaving the area of teaching and his role as Headmaster for good after his name had been cleared during interminable trials had been a true blessing.
But he’d learned to tell the difference between welcome quiet and this…unnerving stillness.
He edged on cat feet into his home, the door swinging shut behind him. While he felt a certain satisfaction in being lord of the manor after Black’s untimely death, he had to admit the large space had its disadvantages. It took an annoying length of time to track down Harry when the Gryffindor decided to go exploring, for one thing. Also, it was too long a trek to the bedroom, which was why they often ended up going at it on living room tables, chairs, sofas, floors or wherever the mood struck. He never minded it--at the time--but Severus was no longer as young as he used to be and afterwards the bruises always stung.
Right now, he wasn’t in the mood for an extended search. He held out his wand and snapped, “Point me Harry Potter.”
The wand spun and snapped in the direction of the kitchen. Well, that wasn’t so ominous. Harry liked to cook and he’d proved marvelously adept at it. Severus had been surprised at his competence and had no compunction in questioning him about it.
“That smells delicious, Harry. Boeuf Bourguignon?”
Harry had rolled his eyes. “Beef stew, yeah.” Severus’s favorite dish--Harry had wheedled the information out of him once and afterwards never failed to include it on the menu at least once a month.
The aromas filling the air had been quite intoxicating. Severus had taken several deep whiffs. “It always astounds me that you are so skilled at cooking and so abominable at potions.”
“Cooking is more rewarding than potions.”
“How?” Severus thought few things more rewarding than potions.
“Food is something you have to take everyday. It’s not that way with potions unless you’re sick. Also, you can experiment more with cooking. A bit more seasoning there, a slightly longer or shorter cooking time, a more colorful arrangement of food on the plate. And the worst I have to worry about in cooking is a burnt pot or overcooked or overdone food. You experiment with potions and get them wrong and you wind up with poison--or an exploding cauldron.” The man had shuddered dramatically and then held up the spoon to sip the stew. Smacking his lips, he’d then added a dribble more of red wine.
“But where did you pick up this facility with food preparation?”
Harry had shrugged while he’d stirred a particularly aromatic stew. “It’s no big deal. Aunt Petunia used to have me cook for the Dursleys. I picked up a lot of stuff from her.”
“You cooked for your family? How charming. Earning your keep, no doubt,” Severus had mockingly replied.
A dark shadow had crossed Harry’s face, so fleetingly Severus had nearly missed it. “You could say that, yeah.”
Ah, was that a sore point? Severus had found himself intrigued and pursued the line of questioning.
“You mean you actually had to cook for them--all the time?”
A muscle had twitched in his husband’s jaw. “Not all the time,” Harry had finally ground out. “They kept me clear of the kitchen when company was coming over. They didn’t want to risk anybody finding out about their freak nephew.” Harry had banged down the spoon. “Excuse me, I have to check on the apricot pie.”
Apricot pie was Severus’s favorite dessert not Harry’s. Harry really did make an effort for him, Severus had realized distractedly. At the time, however, he had been shocked by the words, too much so to care about the pie. “Why would they call you a freak?”
Harry had spun back towards him, green eyes flashing, his fists clenched. “Because they were ungrateful sods who wanted to punish me for magic, breathing, living when my parents died. Take your pick!” he had snarled.
The next instance, he had sagged against the tabletop. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be yelling at you.”
“Indeed you shouldn’t. However, the fault was partially mine. I hadn’t realized the topic of your relatives was such a tender subject,” Severus murmured uncomfortably. Truly, he hadn’t wanted to hurt his husband; he’d merely realized that Harry spoke little about his Muggle relations and had found himself curious.
“No, it isn’t…it’s just…I rarely ever talk about them so I guess stuff comes up when I do.” A hand had scrubbed through Harry’s hair, leaving it more rumpled than usual. “Just forget it.”
Severus had dropped it, grateful not to be treated to an emotional scene. However, dinner afterwards had been a strained affair though Harry never brought up his relatives again.
So what was he up to now? Creeping towards the kitchen, Severus sniffed hard.
The aromas assailing his nose was quite delicious, almost intoxicating. “Chocolate…no, dark chocolate,” he murmured, moving closer. “Faint traces of cinnamon, honey, vanilla…mint?” There was another scent he couldn’t immediately identify, something more sugary than the others. What kind of dessert was Harry making anyway?
Peering around the corner, he stopped, dumbstruck at the spectacle that met his eyes.
Harry stood at the stove, clad only in a sleeveless T-shirt, trainers and shorts that exposed trim, tan legs and hugged his buttocks like a man’s hands. It was truly a delectable sight…almost as much as whatever culinary feast he was currently working on.
At least four double boilers were on the burners, each holding thick, melted substances in their upper bowls. Harry was using a long fork to flip over a round, hard morsel in each pot and then carefully transferring it to plates covered in waxed papers. Severus could count at least three dozen similarly covered round disks.
Harry seemed completely oblivious to his presence so Severus edged a little farther around the corner. He went red and rigid with anger when he saw what was scattered on the table.
Lying there, opened and plundered, were four or five packs of blue plastic bags. Very familiar blue plastic bags.
“POTTER!”
Harry jumped nearly a foot in the air and whipped around to face him. He was still holding a dunking fork and his sudden movement caused a trail of chocolate to fly across the room--and splatter against Severus’s robe and one cheek.
The unintended assault just added to his fury. Severus Banished the mess on his robes before lashing into his felonious spouse. “How dare you!” he roared.
“Severus!” Harry yelped. “You’re home early,” he finished lamely.
“Just in time to catch you, you thieving little bastard,” Severus hissed.
The green eyes gazed at him blankly. “Thieving? What are you talking about?”
He extended a thin finger at the incriminating bags. “How did you find them? How did you get through the Locking and Hide-Me Charms that I placed on them? Never mind,” he said, slashing his hand through the air. “I don’t know nor care. But you knew these were specifically for my use and you stole th--”
“Back off, you berk!” Harry snapped. “You think you’re the only one who can go out and buy biscuits?”
Severus blinked. “What? You’re saying…you mean these are--?”
“Yeah. They’re mine. I went out shopping in Muggle London and guess what? They’ve been sold in the UK since May 2008. It didn’t take a lot of searching to pick up a few bags. So much for them being a ‘delicacy,’” he ended, muttering.
Severus stood there, feeling quite the fool. Harry had turned back to the stove and continued dunking the uncoated discs. He was careful with them; Severus could attest to the brittle quality of the biscuits and knew they shattered under the slightest pressure. But he could see his husband’s hands shaking ever so slightly…probably with anger.
He cleared his throat. “Harry, I may have misinterpreted the situation.” Harry snorted. “But, you have to agree, these bags look rather incriminating,” he finished defensively.
Harry sighed and lowered the heat under the boilers. “I suppose. But I was just trying to surprise you.”
“Mission accomplished,” Severus said dryly.
“No, you don’t get it. I wanted to make you something special. You seemed to like these biscuits so much and I just thought…” He ran his free hand through his scraggy mop. “I asked the clark about other kinds of Oreos and she said the Americans have done some really brilliant things with them, treats you can’t get here in England--at least, not yet.”
“What special things?” Severus frowned. “Did you say American?”
“Yeah. The Yanks made Oreos first. They’ve been eating them for years and they just made it to the UK a few years back. But the Americans have gotten real fancy with these.” He pointed at the boilers. “They’ve made them dipped in melted chocolate.”
“Chocolate-covered Oreos? That’s what these are?” Severus mused, gesturing at the covered disks on the plates.
“You bet.” Harry’s voice became reverential, his expression dreamy, as if he couldn’t believe people could come up with such an amazing and splendid notion. Severus had to admit that he himself would never have thought of it.
Harry continued, practically bouncing with enthusiasm. “Once they’ve cooled and hardened, they’re going to be great. I’ve made them covered in dark chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate flavored with mint, white chocolate…”
Severus lifted his eyebrow. “There’s no such thing as white chocolate, Harry.”
“Is too! Take a look.” He drew Severus closer, pointing at the boiler on the back burner, its contents hidden because of its distance from the door.
This boiler held a substance of a creamy white color. As he sniffed, the mysterious odor he hadn’t been able to identify became stronger. Subtler than regular chocolate and yet somehow sweeter than the others, the vanilla odor wafted from it, giving it a unique fillip to the not-quite-chocolate scent.
Harry smirked at his expression. “I knew you’d like it. I just wanted it to be a surprise for dessert, that’s all.”
Severus took another deep breath, filling his nasal passages with the sublime odors of the differing sauces. His mouth was watering just from the aromas. “Harry, I can’t believe you did all this. Thank you,” he said humbly.
“You’re welcome.” His husband gave him a swift kiss. “Mmm, you taste good,” he purred.
Severus pulled away and glared at him. “That’s because you gave me a faceful of chocolate, you idiot.”
His husband wagged the fork at him. “Don’t insult the man who’s giving you candy, Sev.” Severus scowled at the nickname and Harry laughed.
The remaining biscuits were quickly covered, carefully arranged on the wax papers and shelved with a Cooling Charm. “They’ll be ready in an hour, Severus.”
“An hour,” Severus sighed.
Harry smiled slowly, noting that some chocolate smears remained in the double boilers. “What shall we do until then?”
“Harry…” Severus glared, a clear note of warning in his voice.
Ignoring him, Harry concentrated. In seconds, both he and Severus were naked, their clothes neatly deposited on the chairs.
Severus crossed his arms and stared down his nose at his husband. He was aware that he was less than intimidating when he was starkers. But he couldn’t let Harry have his way here. “If you think I’m going to have sex with you in the kitchen--”
“It’s the one place we haven’t tried.”
“That’s because you usually shoo me out of the kitchen when you’re cooking,” he sniffed.
“I’m not cooking now.”
Before Severus could open his mouth to launch another argument or speak the Charm to replace his clothes, Harry had scooped up a dollop of dark chocolate and smeared it across his husband’s collarbone to nestle in the hollow of his throat.
Severus started slightly at the action. But the chocolate wasn’t hot any more; it had cooled until it was merely tepid but still slick to the touch. Harry immediately took advantage. Grabbing the taller man’s shoulders, he leaned forward and ran his tongue along his skin in one long, sensual lick.
Severus swallowed and then his breath hitched as Harry’s tongue wound its way across his Adam’s apple. “Harry…”
“Mm. White chocolate this time, I think.” Out of the corner of his eye, Severus saw a glistening gob of white fly out of a nearby bowl. Wandless magic and very capable too. Before he could make any comment on Harry’s abilities, the blob landed with a splat on his chest. Harry swiped his tongue through the pool, smearing it across Severus’s nipples.
“Mm…oh, Merlin,” Harry sighed. “So good.”
“Are you referring to the chocolate or me?” Severus asked, a little too breathlessly for his own liking.
Harry gave a dark chuckle and swirled his tongue around Severus’s nub until it was taut and aching. With a groan, Severus buried his hands in Harry’s hair and drew the man’s head up for a torrid kiss.
What followed was a lesson in food appreciation and sex education. Severus found that cooled chocolate made an admirable sex aid and lubricant as Harry plowed into him--hard.
The table was sturdily built and remained upright, although it pounded against the wall with each vigorous movement from the men atop it. Harry had thought to place a Cushioning Charm on its surface but Severus knew he’d be feeling the effects on his back and elbows later. Not that he cared right now…
He buried his nose in his husband’s nape, inhaling deeply the shaggy fringe. The smell of chocolate was rich in the air, lending a delightful overlay to the intensity of this moment.
“Oh, fuck…Severus!” Harry gasped. “How can…shit!”
“Complete sentences, Harry,” he gritted.
“You want…complete…now?!” Harry ran his hands under Severus’ shoulders, curling the man tighter against him.
“Anything worth….saying…say it well. Hah…yes…don’t stop,” Severus gritted. Another hard push and his words broke off with a grunt, his head falling back to the table.
“How can you be so tight…still?”
Severus looked up and gave him a feral grin. “Practice.”
Harry let out a bark of laughter and then groaned. His hips surged even faster into Severus, if possible, no doubt aided by Severus’s grip on his buttocks. He lapped and bit at his husband’s nipples until Severus squirmed with pleasure.
“Fuck, Merlin, fuck me, yes, harder, more, just over that spot. Harry!” he panted.
The noises from his husband, grunts and growls punctuated by nips to his collarbone, were heavenly. No, they were wicked, and Severus was falling into sin all over again. Harry’s touch, his whispers, his moans and expert movements always dissolved him, turning him into a needy little bottom every time they made love.
There was liquid oozing down his crack, the mess emitting a ripe “squick” every time Harry pumped into him. It was an embarrassing sound yet Severus couldn’t deny how wild this new kink made him feel.
Yes, oh fuck, Harry was really putting his back into it, banging Severus so hard, he was rising from the table and crashing back into it with every withdrawal and push from that sleek arse. Severus clamped his arse around Harry’s prick, relishing the way the younger wizard shuddered when he did so. Both of them were losing control, their bodies taking over for them, their cries, mouths and tongues mingling. As Harry nibbled at his lips, he tasted the chocolate in Harry’s mouth along with the indefinable taste of the Gryffindor.
“I love you, Severus,” Harry panted.
The orgasm ripped through Severus, startling him with its power. Usually Harry came first, his youth and overexcitement always shooting him over the edge before Severus. But this time, somehow different, Severus couldn’t hold on and his stomach tightened as he shot all over his stomach.
Harry’s eyelids shuttered and he licked his lips as he stared down at Severus. Whatever he saw in his husband’s face didn’t stop him in the least. The firm hips shoved into Severus a few more times before he too came. Then he collapsed on his husband’s sticky chest, breathing gustily in Severus’s ear. “Oh Merlin,” he gasped.
“Harry, I must admit this is a brilliant idea,” Severus murmured, when he had his breath back. “Not that you can be given credit for it, of course.”
The shaggy head lifted and green eyes glared at him. “What are you talking about? I came up with this idea to surprise you, remember?”
“Ah, but if it weren’t for my original purchase of those delicious biscuits, you’d never have devised this charming food fetish.”
“Look, maybe you provided the raw material--some of it, anyhow--but the conception was my idea. You’re so unimaginative you can think of only one way to eat these things,” Harry sniffed.
“Some of us see no need to improve on perfection.”
Harry wrinkled his nose but didn’t reply. Either he couldn’t think of a comeback or he was too exhausted to try. He pulled out from Severus with a sucking sound.
Severus glanced down at his chocolate-smeared chest. “I’m not cleaning up this mess.”
“No, I’ve got it.” A quickly muttered Cleaning Charm and both men were stain free in seconds. Harry tugged on his scanty clothes, wriggling his arse to get it properly centered in his shorts. He looked up just in time to see Severus eyeing his arse and wiggled it again for good measure.
Severus felt his face warm and let his eyes slide away casually. “How much time do we have left?”
“Huh. About 15 minutes.” A sly look made the emerald eyes gleam. “We could always see what chocolate does for fellatio.”
“Harry!”

Finis
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Plunk, You Dunderhead