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I Still Love You	By : leiriashadows Category: Harry Potter AU/AR > Het - Male/Female Views: 3778 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-I Still Love You
- 1
Hermione sighed as she stared out through the window. The rain had been relentless for days without the slightest break in the storm. In recent weeks it had been off and on, more on than off, but for the last four days looked like one big puddle. She thought it fitting that the weather reflected her mood. Fitting that his plans were ruined for the weekend while hers had been utterly destroyed for life.

A slam shook Hermione's attention and made her jump."Give it a rest, Oliver!" a woman shouted. "I don't care what you want! This is my life! My choice!"

Hermione stared in shock at the woman walking towards the window, a cell phone clutched in her hand. Her green eyes were almost red with her obvious anger and her red hair was soaked from the weather outside. She shrugged out of her coat and flung it over the back of the sofa as she approached Hermione.

She stopped suddenly. "Don't call me a whore!" she screamed. "NO!" Hermione jumped again. "I did not sleep with him! If you can't believe me you can just go to hell!" she shouted before she ended the call by throwing the small electronic device against the wall. It shattered on impact, losing its fight with the wall, which made the other woman swear loudly. She drew a long slender stick from her back pocket (a place Hermione knew as dangerous from a teacher at Hogwarts) and pointed it at the remains of the phone. "Reparo!" she shouted. The phone knitted itself back together seamlessly.

The redhead sighed as she plopped down into a chair across the window from Hermione. "Hi!" she said forcibly happy and with a false wide smile.

"Problems with Oliver?" Hermione asked.

The redhead let out a dramatically exasperated sigh. "Like you would not believe!" she cried. "You know how we went away last weekend?" she asked. Hermione dutifully nodded. "We were together the whole time," she said. "Except for fifteen minutes when he wanted to go play ping-pong, or something like that, and I went into the gift shop. I ran into a friend from Hogwarts there and chatted with him. Now Oliver is accusing me of sleeping with him when all we did was step outside for a smoke! Can you believe the nerve of him?" she demanded.

"Anita, you do have to admit that he does have just cause. You have cheated on him in the past."

"Not with men!" Anita cried. "And not for two months!"

"You two have only been together for three!" Hermione cried before laughing.

"Oh. Right," Anita said with a laugh."So it's...more than half of the relationship, big deal! It wasn't supposed to be anything more than a one-night stand anyway. Besides," she said, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. "This time I'm innocent."

Hermione smiled, amused by her friend's behavior. "You are never innocent," she said. "You've done something worthy of an accusation. You did steal from the gift shop after all."

Anita waved that off. "Muggle shops," she said. "It's not like they can catch me. How's your day been anyway?" she asked. "I hear Potter's being promoted again."

"That has nothing to do with my day and everything to do with you wanting to shag him," Hermione said with a smile.

"Can't blame a girl for trying," Anita muttered. "Say, you've been in the sack with him, haven't you?" she asked. "How is he?"

Hermione laughed. "That was four years ago," she said. "You've seen the fruit of that labor."

"Just because I've seen the scars doesn't mean I know the whole story," Anita protested. "I mean, gods, you two traveled the whole island together. You were alone for months at a time, both technically single.... Come on," she pleaded. "Tell me!"

Hermione sighed. "Harry's amazing," she said softly, her eyes darkening with her memories. "Always has been, always will be. But that was a long time ago."

"Not that long by the look on your face," Anita said, her expression suddenly sober. She inhaled deeply from her cigarette and flicked the ashes into the nearby tray.

Hermione shook her head. "Harry's happy now," she said. "He and Ginny are moving in with each other next month. Officially anyway. She's practically been living with him for the past six months anyway. Besides, I'm with Blaise."

Anita sighed and shook her head. "First of all: Gryffindors and Slytherins aren't supposed to be bed-partners. Secondly: You are far from happy. Third: You and Blaise haven't spoken for three weeks. Move on. And last: Call the man!" she cried. "When was the last time you and Boy Wonder actually sat down and had a full conversation without other people in the room? If nothing else, tell him about what happened to you. He rescued you from the Death Eaters. He should know."

Hermione sighed heavily and glanced at the clock. "It's late," she said, even if it was only eight in the evening. "I'm going to bed. I'm glad you got home safely."

"Night, hon," Anita replied, snuffing out her cigarette in the ashtray. "See you in the morning."

"Not like you'll be up," Hermione called back from the hallway leading into her bedroom.

It was so dark, she couldn't see anything. She was numb with the cold and the blankets were threadbare. They had clothed her in rags to take away her identity. The only thing that kept her sane was the knowledge that he was always with her, now that his child was in her womb. He didn't know because she had figured it out a day before her capture.

One of them walked in. Behind the masks they all looked the same to her. Some of them she knew regardless. Some were impossible to mistake.

Laughing, the Death Eater walked up to Hermione with a silver dagger in her hand. She roughly pulled Hermione to her feet and thrust the dagger into Hermione's stomach, killing the unborn child and destroying Hermione's hope of ever having another.

Hermione woke, gasping, sitting bolt-upright with racing heart and sweat-drenched body. Her hands immediately went for her stomach, lifting her shirt up to make sure there was no blood. There was never any blood. Only the scar. Bellatrix's final gift.

Shaking, Hermione swung her legs over the side of her bed and ran her hands through her curly hair a few times before she made her way to the kitchen for a glass of ice-cold water.

Hermione glanced at the clock. It was nearly one in the morning. She sighed, knowing she shouldn't and that he wouldn't care. She put down her water and took the cordless from the cradle and punched in Harry's number as a tear began to fall. She brushed it away as she brought the phone up to her ear.

It rang once...twice...three times before Hermione was ready to hang up. Just as the fourth ring started, it was cut off.

"Hello?" asked a very groggy man.

"Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione?" Harry asked. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

Hermione took in a shuddering breath. "I need to talk," she said softly. "Can you? Is this a bad-- of course it's a bad time, it's one in the morning. Harry, I'm sorry, go back to bed."

"No, Hermione, I'm up. And now I'm worried so you have to talk to me anyway. Just give me a second to get the cordless so I can hang this phone up, okay? And if you hang up, I will call you four times. If you don't answer, I'm coming over, got it?" he asked.

Hermione smiled. Harry always looked out for her. "Got it," she promised.
"Good. Hold on, let me get the other phone."

Hermione nodded even though he couldn't see her and moved to sit on the sofa where Anita's rain-soaked coat was still draped. Though the apartment was dark, it was that quality of dark that one could still see in, albeit mostly shapes and shades of gray, but there was enough light to navigate by.

Hermione had just sat down when Harry came back on. "Hey, still there?" he asked.

"Yes," Hermione dutifully replied.

She could almost hear him smile. "Good," he said. "Now tell me what's wrong."

Hermione sighed heavily. "I had that dream again," she said. "About when I was captured. Every time I have that dream, I can feel Bellatrix shoving the dagger into my stomach...."

There was silence for a few seconds. "You never told me she was the one who stabbed you," Harry said softly.

"I never told you why either," Hermione nearly whispered as she brushed away fresh tears.

"There was a reason?" Harry asked.

Hermione sighed. "She was ordered to by Voldemort," she said. "He discovered something he didn't like and wanted me punished for it."

"Do you know what that was?" Harry asked, genuinely concerned. This was the most Hermione had spoken to him about her time in the Death Eaters' cells.

"I was pregnant, Harry," Hermione said softly. "It was yours."

There was the sound of a crash on Harry's end of things. After a few unintelligible curses and mutterings, Harry was back on the phone. "Sorry," he said. "I tripped over the coffee table. Can you run that by me again?" he asked.

"You heard me the first time, Harry," Hermione replied.

Harry swore. "Why did it take you four years to tell me?" he asked. "Is this why you decided it would be better if we didn't stay together after I got you out of there?" he demanded. "Merlin, Hermione!" he cried. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared, Harry," Hermione said thickly, choking on her tears.

"Oh, Hermione, don't cry, please don't.... Fuck, I'm an idiot," Harry hissed. "I'm sorry...."

"No, you're right," Hermione nearly whispered. "I found out the day before they took me, which was probably how they were able to do it. After what happened, I just couldn't bare to face you, Harry. So I ran away from it all."

"So I would have been a father if Voldemort hadn't stepped in..." Harry said softly. "Merlin, first my parents, then Sirius, Snape, Remus and Tonks....then my own kid. More than all of them, he took you from me."

"I'm still alive, Harry," Hermione said.

"Alive, yes, but how often do we talk?" he asked. "I mean really talk. When was the last time we saw each other? We talk once every week for fifteen minutes, maybe twenty. We've gotten together with the rest of the group five times in the last eight months and none of that time was spent with just you and I alone. You're as gone as anyone else, Hermione, and if it wasn't for Voldemort, would it be you in my bed right now or would it still be Ginny?" he asked. "I have to tell you, Hermione, I don't think it would be Gin."

Hermione softly sighed. "It's better this way," she said, nodding to herself. It was something she'd spent years convincing herself to believe. "At least you're happy."

Harry let out a bitter laugh. "Right. Happy. Because I adore working my ass into the ground five days a week and coming home to pressure from Ginny and the rest of the family to get married. Because I'm happy to come home after a rough day at the office or out on the field and have to explain to the girlfriend who is supposed to be understanding and compassionate why I'm too damn sore to do anything but sleep and how that's not a euphemism for sex. And, of course, because the best part of my day is convincing myself that you're not coming back and she's all I'm going ever to get unless I want someone else from my personal fan club."

"Harry..." Hermione said helplessly.

"I want to be done fighting, Hermione," Harry said, sounding at least a decade older than he had a moment ago. "I'm tired of fighting rouge Death Eaters, friends, coworkers, family, Ginny...you...." He sighed. "Most of all, I'm really fucking tired of fighting myself."

"I can't give you any answers, Harry," Hermione said. "I can't give you a family either. Bellatrix made sure of that."

"You can have other children, Hermione."

"No, I can't, Harry," Hermione whispered. "She destroyed my ability to have kids. I am never going to be a mother because of what she did. And you want kids so badly, Harry....you should be happy with Ginny."

"I'd rather be happy with you," Harry whispered. "Ginny's great, she really is, but I can't talk to her like I can you. She doesn't fit like you, you were perfect. Having kids is not a big deal, Hermione, being with the person I want to marry is."

"What?" Hermione whispered, her heart thundering in her chest. "Marry?" she asked.

"The day you decided to leave me was the day I was going to ask you to marry me."

Hermione held her head in her free hand, clenching her eyes shut to fight the tears. "Merlin, Harry, I'm so sorry...."

Harry sighed. "Me too," he said after a moment of unsure silence. "God, I wish Ginny would have gone home. This would be easier if I wasn't afraid of waking her up, you-- Yes?" he asked, taking his mouth away from the phone. Hermione patiently waited for him to return. She could hear his responses and Ginny's voice in the background.

Hermione suddenly felt guilty. Ginny had always been second best in Harry's mind. Though Hermione had tried to convince the redhead otherwise, she eventually stopped because it became too obvious that Ginny was right.

Now Hermione was back and Ginny was being shoved aside once more.

"God, Ginny, then just go!" Harry shouted.

"Why don't you want to marry me, Harry?" Hermione heard Ginny clearly demanded. "Don't you love me?"

"Honestly?" Harry demanded. "You're a great friend, Ginny, when you're not pushing me to marry you and I swear to God if that question comes out of your mouth again, we're done. I'm not going to marry you, Ginny. You've been pushing for it for a year and I'm sick of trying to come up with one excuse after another. You have so many goddamn doubts about me so leave!"

"So you're going to light up one of your fucking cigarettes again like you do every time we fight?" Ginny demanded. Hermione's eyebrows knit together in confusion. When did Harry start smoking?

"Yes!" Harry shouted. "It's the only way to get you to leave me alone!"

Hermione took the phone away from her ear. She could not listen to them break up without believing that it was entirely her fault. She could still hear them arguing with the phone in her lap and debated hanging it up. If she hadn't called, they would be sleeping still.

Hermione sighed and brought the phone back up to her ear in time to hear something slam. Harry swore loudly. "Hermione, are you still there?" he asked.

"Barely," Hermione softly replied. "Was that my fault?" Please tell me that wasn't my fault, she silently prayed.

Harry bitterly chuckled. "No," he said. "We've had that fight more than a dozen times. This may have just been the last time. I don't know how much you heard."

Hermione sighed. "More than I wanted to," she answered.

Harry exhaled heavily and Hermione wondered if it was from smoking. He let out a frustrated sound before she heard him doing something on his end that made a lot of noise. "I'm going to hear about it this first thing in the morning," he said. "Ginny will go home, tell them that I'm an asshole, and then Ron and Charley will come over and scream at me for two hours."

Hermione sighed. "Do you want me to come over?" she asked. "To talk?"

Harry chuckled. "Yeah," he said. "That'd be great."

Hermione nodded, even though Harry couldn't see it. "I'll be there in about ten minutes."

"I'll be waiting," Harry promised.
- 1
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I Still Love You