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Pretences	By : tomo Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 1564 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I make money out of it.

Chapter List
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PRETENCES

Disclaimer: First things first, the characters are not mine… but the story is, fortunately.

Rating: R

Summary: The only thing that Remus can do to be with him is to pretend.

Dedication: Once again, for my muse.

A/N: The ones in italic are the present scenes. I have previously posted this fic on ff.net (for those who find this fic familiar). Please do review. Thanks!

Chapter One

Sweet Merlin, you feel great. I closed my eyes and savored the closeness of your body. Just like in my dreams… only this felt much better. The touch of your skin as I ran my hands through your chest, arms, face—everything that I can reach. I threw my head back as I felt you in me. It was glorious, every second of it. I bit my lip to keep from crying out, forgetting about the silencing charm that you never fail to invoke whenever you slip into my bed. I hear you moan something incoherent. Was it my name? I can never tell. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. I don't care. As long as you're here, I don't mind you calling me anything.

I have always loved you. I don't remember when it started. Maybe as soon as I saw you, I felt it. Come to think of it, I think I did fell in love with you when we first met on our first train ride to Hogwarts. I was heaving my trunk then. I must have looked piteous because you came over and offered me your help. I was stunned. No one has ever helped me with anything before. Words left me and I just stared at you. And right then, I was caught. I don't know. Maybe that was it. I don't even know that I fancy boys. No wonder I never felt anything when you talk about girls.

Why do I love you? I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with your eyes… a very intoxicating swirl of blue and gray. I remembered telling you when we were in first year that your eyes were like the storm. You stared at me with a puzzled expression and laughed, "You're a strange man, Remus. Very strange indeed." I laughed along with you. You're right. I am strange. I'm a werewolf. And I'm in love with one of my best friends, who, happens to also be male. Just like me.

Or maybe I fell in love with your stubbornness, your determination, your courage and your strength. Everything that I lack, and everything I can never have. Maybe it's the fact that I can't have it that made me want you… so I can feel having it all through you.

It can also be that I fell in love with your being normal. Experiencing a normal childhood, having normal friends, and being treated as someone who is normal. Being normal… it is something that I stopped experiencing on that fateful day that I felt the burning pain of a werewolf bite. My life just ceased being normal. My family, my friends, my relatives… I lost all of them. I think I even lost my self then… my normal self.

My normal self. Normal. I like the sound of that word. Normal. It is something that I wanted desperately but hopelessly lack. I always imagined that if I weren't cursed, I would have led a normal life. Maybe I would have. But then I thought, maybe not. Because you see, I never grew into an average young man… at least, nothing that my parents ever wanted… or ever thought was normal. I was thin, I was pale, I was short, I was quiet, I was weak… nothing like the rest of the boys my age. I even remembered how my father turned beet red when one of his relatives, my aunt (his sister) apparently, told him that at least, I grew up to be such a pretty young lady. I still laugh at that. I do. A pair of perfectly normal parents 'graced' with a perfectly abnormal kid. Oh, the mockery of it all.

I ghost my fingers across your face, trying to remember every curve… every crease… every detail. I heard you call another name. I threw my head back, keeping my eyes closed. I felt you grasp my hips as you tried shifting to a new position. I gasped as I felt the warmth of your body left on my bed covers as my back came into contact with it. I clenched my teeth as I felt you moving even faster within me. I forced my eyes shut. Maybe if I lose one of my senses, the others will increase tenfold. I hope it would, because tonight, I want to feel you. I want to instill everything into my memory because I knew… I knew… I knew that you would never be…

As soon as we set foot on Hogwarts on our seventh year, you were nowhere to be found—especially during weekends and after-dinner hours. I used to wonder where you are. I used to play blind. But now, I cannot fool myself any longer. I know full well that almost all of Hogwarts wants you… and that at last, you've taken notice.

I can always smell someone else from your clothes, your hair, and your skin. You know what? It takes so much control for me to not jump at you and erase those scents through replacing them with mine. Do you remember when I ran to the bathroom when you entered the week after last? I heard you ask James about it. I was almost sure that he shrugged it off. You know what I did then? I threw up. You see, I really can't stand smelling someone else from you. And to think that it was only two days before the full moon then. The wolf was so strong that my sense of smell can actually recognize that you reek of Aretha Locke's scent.

I hate seeing you smile whenever you had a good date… or, bless my tongue, a good fuck. I hate it when you tell me, James and Peter about it. I hate it when they seem very happy and excited about it. I hate it when you say thanks and brag about it more.

Or maybe, I hate it because it wasn't me who you're bragging about. Maybe I hate it because I'm jealous about those people that you always talk about. I hate that I can't be one of those people because whatever I do, I'm just one of your best friends… nothing more. And I hate it all the more because I always hear myself congratulate you for your conquests. I hate myself for smiling and teasing you about it. I hate it that I accept that we are nothing more than friends… nothing more than brothers… that I can never be more than anything else to you. And I accepted that… a long time ago. And I hate myself for accepting it.

I drown myself in you, overloading my senses with you. I can feel you moving in me and it's glorious. I held onto you desperately, scared to let go because I know that after this, everything returns to normal. I pull you into a kiss, opening my mouth as I helped you deepen it. I tried to whisper your name but no words came out. That's good though, because I'm afraid that if I say your name everything will vanish and I would wake up alone.

Alone. I have been alone all my life, except now that I have you, James and Peter. I can't ask for anything more. Before Hogwarts, I was left out. No one wants me. I know for a fact that my parents love me… they just don't and cannot accept that their only son has been cursed and hadn't grown up the way they wanted. As for friends, I did not have any. Who would want to befriend their next-door werewolf neighbor? Hardly anybody. But you changed it all.

I never thought that I could make friends in Hogwarts. But you were there. And so are James and Peter. I can never forget that time when you, James and Peter decided to become animagi for me. I was shocked. I was frightened. I was ecstatic. No one has ever done anything like that for me. Come to think of it, no has ever done anything for me.

I was speechless when I first saw the three of you transform one by one. I was thunderstruck. I cannot, for the life of me, think it possible for wizards at the age of fifteen to perfectly undergo an animagus transformation. You never cease to amaze me.

James was a stag. It was very much fitting, really, because like the stag that he transformed into, James was very strong and stable. As for Peter, I was very much surprised that he was able to undergo such transformations. I applaud him for that. And I can never believe how very fitting that his size was just right for him to be able to push that knot hidden amongst the roots of the Whomping Willow.

And you. I gasped when I saw your animagus form. I cannot believe it. Was it a dream? You were a canine. The closest it can ever be to my wolf-form. I was dumbfounded. A thousand different feelings came through me. Was this destiny? Most probably not. Seeing it as fate or destiny that is connected to my being a wolf is plain wishful thinking and nothing more… it can never, never be more.

During full moons, I wasn't alone because the three of you kept me company in your animagus forms. You can never know how thankful I am for that. One time, I almost laughed when Madame Pomfrey's eyes grew wide in surprise when I came into the hospital wing with hardly any bruise.

I even hated myself for anticipating the coming of the full moon. Can I blame myself? It is only during those times that I, even in the wolf-form, am given permission to be with you… to be near you. I hated myself even more for letting you worry over me during the mornings after the full moon… fussing over my wounds, my robes, and my blankets. It makes me much too hopeful that we can be more than what we are now. It makes me love you all the more. And it makes me hurt myself more.

Right now, I cling to every full moon more desperately. It is because it's the only time that I get all three of you back. I get to have your full attention, which is selfish, I know. It is only this time that I can pull Peter away from his homework and his girlfriend, Jenina. This is also the only time that I can get James to stop thinking about Lily, who, by the way, has turned him down for the umpteenth time. And most of all, it is the only time that I get to draw you away from everybody. It's the only time I get to spend with you because, as I've said, you always seem to be nowhere.

I lost control and moaned your name. I hate it when I lost control. It is during this time that I lose all my thoughts and only feel. I don't want to only feel. I want to remember. I want something to keep in my mind because I know that one day, this will have to stop… these nightly visits. And I dread that I know that it will eventually stop because by then, I won't be able to let go. And I would be left alone. So for now, I bit my lip, feeling blood trickle in a thin line through my chin as I grasped at the beddings. I felt control come back to me. And I can see your face clearly through my closed eyes. I can see it clearly…

I stared at you from across the table this morning. You were seated at your usual place except for the fact that instead of having me beside you, you had your newest girlfriend, Erin. You didn't notice me looking at you, didn't you? I know you didn't. But James did. He knew. He always knew. And I hated it that he was so sensitive to find out… I hated it because at times like this, he would look at me with pity and smile encouragingly. I don't want him to feel pity for me because in doing that, it allows me to pity myself more… because it proves that indeed, I am pitiful. But you know what's worst? He understands what I'm going through. And because of that, it gives him the permission to sympathize with me, making it all the more blazingly clear to me that I have lost you… that I can never ever have you.

But still, inside, I smile secretly. Because I knew that tonight, just like those full moon nights and mornings after that, you will be mine alone. That even for a few stolen moments, I can be with you, even if I know that after that, you will return to the others who really own you. And it hurts me to think that maybe, even during the nights that I have with you, you were not mine… that even during those times that I think I had you, I didn't. And it pains me to know that I am continually deceiving myself… torturing myself beyond repair because I know that every time that I thought I had you but I didn't I incur a wound upon myself that would leave a scar that will mark me forever.

And this evening, I cursed myself for letting you into my bed and deeper into my life. I could have stopped you… I should have stopped you. But I didn't. I hate myself for being such a coward… for being scared to give you up… for being afraid to lose you if I refused even if I know that I can never lose you because I never had you in the first place.

I cried silently as you kissed the corner of my lips, my closed eyes and my neck. I despised my body for reacting to your kisses, your tentative touches, your caress and your warmth. I hate myself for letting you do this to me… for letting me hope against the impossible… for letting me wish all the more to have you. But most of all, I hate myself for allowing you to do this to me. I hate myself for it even as I kissed you hungrily.

I clutched at the bedspread more desperately as the mattress undulated forcefully beneath me. Tears spilled from my eyes as I came, barely holding myself back from crying your name. You continued thrusting until you too, came with a hoarse cry…

"Lily!"

I waited for my breathing to return to normal before opening my eyes to meet yours, which are full of apology and sorrow. "I'm sorry, Remus, I didn't…"

"It's alright," I whispered. "It's alright, James. I also lost control."

It wasn't you all along. And I smiled bitterly as James slips out of my bed and I was left alone to tend to the wounds that I have created for myself… wounds that would never heal.

I don't know for how long James and I will keep on doing this. I don't even know why James does this. I don't know. Maybe because we both need it… because we both suffer from not being able to get what we most desperately want.

One day, I know that James will get over this make-believe affair. But I know that as long as I live, I will never get over it… I know that it will go on with another man… who knows? All I know is that as long as I live, I will always love you… and I will continue to dream…

A/N: Thanks for reading! Again, please do review. :)
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Pretences