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The Adventures of Captain Peeping Tom	By : goldhorse Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 15422 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own HP. Rowling does. I make no money from this.

Chapter List
- 1-The Adventures of Captain Peeping Tom
- 1
AN: Hello all. This is just a little humorous ditty that popped into my head and refused to be ignored. Enjoy.

Harry was bored…more than bored, actually. He was contemplating the ability to die from lack of any sort of stimuli. It was the weekend for goodness sakes and there was nothing to do. He should have been pleased that his life was so uneventful but years of being on edge, in danger, and on the prowl had made him crave action. He actually felt… bereft without the threat of danger over his head anymore. His seventh year should have been more exciting than this.

He had finally done it, defeated Voldemort the Christmas of his sixth year. If he had known that the bloody bastard had a soft spot for ginger kittens, he would have sent one his very first year at Hogwarts. Who could have known that the most fearsome wizard the world had ever known would be taken out by a tiny half-kneazle who had accidentally stepped in acromantula venom? One tiny scratch and the Dark Lord was no more.

Oh, Harry still had to hunt down all the horcruxes, but he’d easily done so without the bloody bastard-who-loved-furry-felines breathing down his neck. He’d even discovered the one inside himself, but quickly dispatched it with the help of one Severus Snape, who he still detested. He had a begrudging respect for the potion master who’d created the extraction potion, but that was as far as it went. He still hated his attitude and general demeanor.

Harry sighed again, wondering what was next in this lackluster existence he was living. Things had taken a surprisingly good turn when Voldemort disappeared. Known Death Eaters, including one very enraged Lucius Malfoy, were hauled back to Azkaban. Minister Scrimgeour declared all muggleborns on equal footing with purebloods, going as far as to implement a new induction process to help ease the transition between muggle and magical worlds. No one lived in fear anymore…and it was a complete and total snore.

Harry had dutifully returned for school his seventh year after having spent the summer camping and horcrux hunting. He fully intended to be an auror. Chasing dark wizards was in his blood now and he had a feeling it always would be. But the year had been so dull. Even the thrill of playing quidditch paled since the Slytherin team lost a number of good players when their families defected.

No, school was utterly uninspiring. Everyone was so relieved that the war was over, they seemed to give up on any altercations. No one uttered a word about blood purity, even the Slytherins. Everyone seemed to be making a general effort to get along, including one Draco Malfoy, who had made it a point to publicly apologize to Hermione for his previous behavior. In an effort to keep the peace, Harry had let their rivalry drop and was surprised when Ron followed suit. Things had been so smooth lately that he wondered if he’d been tossed into an alternate dimension.

Well, Harry had had enough of this. He was going to do something exciting and fun if it was the last thing ever he did. Snatching up his cloak and the Marauder’s map, he made his way out of the dorms. It wasn’t quite curfew, but he might find some sort of something to get into. Perhaps he could sneak into Hogsmeade and wander around a bit. He covered himself with the cloak and activated the map.

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

There, for his viewing pleasure, was the whole of Hogwarts. He thought he might find his friends and bring them along on this adventure for old times’ sake. It would be fun to have the trio together again. They both seemed to have a million reasons why they couldn’t hang out together anymore. Tonight, Ron was practicing his flying and Hermione was once again buried in her books at the library. His eyes darted across the map, searching out Ron’s name. He found it, but his placement was quite strange. What was Ron doing in the dungeons…with Pansy Parkinson and Theodore Nott no less? That couldn’t bode well.

With a familiar rush of adrenaline in his veins, Harry used the map to navigate down to the abandoned classroom he had seen his friend in on the map. He cast a few spells, muffling the sound of his trainers on the stones and the heavy breaths he was taking. He pushed the door open just a crack, wand at the ready under his cloak just in case. What he saw made him pale.

“Come on Weasley, put your back into it!” Pansy shouted and cracked a long whip that was in her hands. She was wearing a black vinyl corset that pushed her naked breasts up and together while sliming her waist. A tiny thong barely covered her sex. Knee high vinyl boots and leather wrist cuffs completed the look. Her eyes were lined in thick coal and narrowed in aggravation as she barked orders, cracking the whip again against the floor.

“Nott, I thought I told you to keep your hands still?”

Harry held back a yelp when he looked over at the cause of Pansy’s ire. Ron, his very best mate since first year, was naked as the day he was born. His chin lenght hair was pulled back into a topknot, which allowed Harry a full view of the thick black collar he now wore. He was on his knees, his hands around another equally naked Theo Nott. Nott was also nude and in a rather interesting position, his hands holding on to the edge of a desk as he pushed his hips backwards and up, allowing Ron to line his cock up and push in.

“That’s my good boy,” Pansy purred, her eyes half lidded as she watched Ron take Theo. “Give it to him nice and hard Weasley. He’s been a very naughty pet, haven’t you Nott?”

“Y-yes Mistress,” Theo moaned. “S-so bad.”

Pansy hummed. “How dare you try and engage a Hufflepuff in a fight. You know damn well that we all made a pact to keep peace. We have a horrible enough reputation as it is! Harder Weasley, I want to make sure he has difficulty walking in the morning.”

“As you wish Mistress,” Ron groaned, speeding up slightly. Sweat was already starting to bead up on his back.

“B-but Mistress, that boy was going to start something with a Ravenclaw.”

“I bloody well know that,” Pansy growled. “However, it was not your place to step in, was it?”

“No Mistress. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll never do it again.”

“You bet that gorgeous arse of yours you won’t,” Pansy hissed, stalking over behind the desk so Theo could look up into her eyes. “You’re never going to forget this night, pet.”

Harry shrunk back from the door, his stomach doing summersaults at the vision of Pansy standing over Theo with what looked like a muzzle. He had a feeling it didn’t go on Nott’s mouth, either. What in the hell was going on? Since when was Ron gay, or… um… bi? Harry’s mind was whirling but he decided that Ron was better left alone at this point.

He stumbled down the hall, his head a jumble of questions. He thought maybe it would be a good idea to go back to his dorm and pretend he’d never left. Deciding that it was the most prudent idea, he softly crept back through the halls. A giggling sound caught his attention. It sounded like a party, which was fascinating. He hadn’t noticed anyone doing much of anything that could resemble a party since his return to school.

Hoping against hope that he didn’t happen upon another odd tryst, Harry peaked in the door to another abandoned classroom. The sight that met him made him freeze in horror, but try as he might, he just couldn’t back away.

“Oh, you look absolutely adorable,” McGonagall squealed, which was absolutely out of place with the normally stern Scot.

“Do you really think so?” Remus asked shyly. He twirled around, admiring the pink silk gown he was wearing.

“It’s lovely,” McGonagall said with some tenderness. “Oh, you two will have a wonderful time.”

“I-I’m scared,” Remus said in a quivering voice. “What if he doesn’t like it?”

“Tosh,” McGonagall said. “You said it yourself. Sirius will fuck anything in a skirt and you, my dear, certainly qualify for that now.”

Remus smiled. “Thank you Minerva.”

“Anytime dear.”

Watching his transfiguration professor tenderly hug his DADA professor snapped Harry out of his stupor. He took off at a dead run down the hall, not wanting to be discovered. In all honestly, when he thought about it, he was glad for them. Remus had been a complete wreck when Sirius fell at the Ministry, refusing to leave until he’d summoned his friend back through the veil. Surprisingly, it had worked and a very stunned and weak Sirius thanked him profusely. Now, Harry realized, it had been the desperation of a lover that had allowed the werewolf the strength to summon him back. He just wished he could wipe the memory of Remus in a frilly pink dress and stockings out of his mind.

Harry had to take a break from running when he hit the main floor of the castle, unless he wanted his lungs to explode. He huddled behind a suit of armor to catch his breath, all the while cursing himself for his curious nature. He realized that it was now curfew and decided he should make his way up to his rooms. He had a lot to think over. Voices caught his attention before he darted into the hall, making him stand rigid.

“Oh please Pomona, please let me take you flying.”

“Honestly Rolanda, you know I hate flying.”

“Yes but… it’s the only thing I’m good at.”

“Not the only thing.”

Harry held his breath as he watched Professor Sprout grin wickedly at Madam Hooch and lick her lips seductively.

“Oh, well, you could have just asked.”

Harry let out the breath as they tittered and scampered down the hall. If he were honest with himself, that little revelation wasn’t a shock at all. Everyone knew that Madam Hooch was into girls, but her choice of partner was odd. Still, he figured that love was blind and if Hooch and Sprout were happy, there was no sense in questioning it.

Harry slunk down the halls, eyes and ears open for any other interesting things he’d rather not see. Unfortunately, he had to pass the library. He wondered if Hermione was still there and poked his head in. She’d fallen asleep studying more than once and had very nearly come to detention over it. He wanted to vomit at the sight before him though.

Filch had Madam Pince lying over a work table and was eagerly licking between her legs. He looked up momentarily from his work, giving Harry a glimpse of his yellowing teeth before he went back down. Pince was screeching like a banshee, her pinched features twisted in a gruesome expression of ecstasy as her head hung off the table. Harry thought he might lose his lunch and backed out of there in a double quick hurry, gagging a little as he went. He could have gone his entire life without seeing that.

Harry hopped on the stairs, hoping against hope that he wouldn’t run into anyone else on his way back to his dorms. The only comfort he had was knowing that Filch was too preoccupied to come after him. Harry was almost to the third floor when the stairs moved with him. Harry hoped he could have a clear shot up the stairs after this move but his luck held…bad luck that is. He heard Ginny’s voice clear as day and felt his stomach do a flip. He couldn’t not see what was happening.

“But you said you would try,” Ginny said softly. Her voice sounded broken, sad as Harry peered through the door to another classroom.

“We did try, love,” Blaise Zabini cooed, pulling the shaking girl into his arms. “We tried so very hard but we can’t be what we’re not.”

“Please try to understand,” Dean Thomas said quietly. “We do love you Ginny, but we can’t love you, not the way you need to be loved.”

Ginny pulled back from Blaise with a nod and a sniff. “No, I understand. I do. I knew it was just an experiment but I-I…fuck I’m so stupid.”

“No you aren’t,” Dean said, pulling her into his arms. “You aren’t stupid. You just got caught up. We all did but it can’t go on like this. You deserve better.”

Ginny huffed a sad laugh. “So it’s you and not me.”

“Sounds cliché, we know,” Blaise said. “But trust me, we’re just about as gay as you can get.”

“Really?” Ginny asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Okay, not THAT gay,” Dean chuckled. “Though Seamus is. He says the thought of pussy makes him ill. We can still have fun if you need something to take the edge off…but, damn this is hard.”

“I’m fine,” Ginny said, drying the tears that were cascading down her cheeks. “I’ll be fine. I just… I really have to quit dating. It seems like everyone I touch turns up gay.”

Blaise laughed. “I don’t think you turned me gay. Honestly, I might be just a touch bi after you. Why don’t you just go after who you really want to?”

Ginny shook her head. “He doesn’t even notice I’m around.”

“You might be surprised,” Dean countered. “I mean, you don’t see the way he watches you when you aren’t looking.”

“Really?” Ginny asked, her eyes full of hope.

“Honestly,” Blaise said. “Harry Potter is so in love with you he can’t even see straight.”

Harry gasped at the revelation, quickly running away when three heads turned in his direction. His heart pounded in his chest as he leapt up the stairs and towards his dorm. They were right. He was so in love with Ginny it wasn’t even funny anymore. He found himself instantly hard when she entered any room, making it awkward to have a conversation with her.

When he found out that she was dating not one, but two guys at the same time, his heart had broken in a thousand tiny pieces. He had been too late and she had found comfort in the arms of another. Well, two others in her case. Now he had just found out that it was an experiment to see if they were gay or not. His heart was just a bit lighter as he bounded onto the fifth floor. His little sneaking endeavor might have started out horrific, but he’d learned some very good news that softened the blow.

Soft voices came from down the hall. Harry stopped, torn between checking it out and heading back to his dorm. Unwilling to stumble upon a tryst like the one happening in the library, he pulled the map out of his cloak and had a look. It didn’t seem too horrible, just Luna, Neville, and Hannah. He shrugged, putting the map away and deciding to go say hi. He had missed speaking with his friends. Their voices reached his ears before he saw them.

“A-are you sure this is okay?” Neville stuttered.

“It’s fine,” Luna said dreamily. “You need this.”

“B-but I don’t wanna hurt her,” Neville pleaded.

“Just do it.”

“O-okay.”

Harry’s jaw dropped open when he saw the paddle in a leather clad Neville’s hands. Seconds later, his friend dropped it on the very naked backside of Hanna Abbot. The girl squealed and then moaned, rubbing her thighs together. Neville’s eyes lit up in wonder, a smile brightening his face as he swung again. Hanna moaned louder, struggling to move. She couldn’t though; thick leather cuffs kept her hands suspended from the ceiling.

“Very good Neville,” Luna said, praising Neville with a sultry kiss to his lips.

Neville seemed to visibly swell, bringing the paddle up again. He spanked Hanna several times in succession, his eyes dilating as he did. As the swats wore on, Luna casually reached down to open his leather trousers, pushing them open and letting a rather large cock out of their confines.

“I told you that you would make a wonderful Dom,” Luna purred, dropping to her knees and taking Neville’s cock into her mouth.

“Fuck!” Neville yelled and grabbed a fistful of Luna’s hair. “Fuck her Luna. Fuck Hannah with your hand until she can’t stand it anymore.”

Harry’s eyes widened as he saw Luna reach between Hanna’s legs, her fingers prodding her moist entrance. Deciding that he was intruding, he backed away as silently as he could and made for the next floor. Honestly, was everyone having a shag-fest tonight? He shook his head in disbelief. Maybe this was why everyone was so peaceful all the sudden. They were all fucking each other’s brains out…and they had left Harry behind. It was a sobering thought. Was he so caught up in his own moping that he’d missed all of these interactions?

Harry kicked a loose stone on the floor as he grumpily hit the sixth floor landing. Everyone had someone but him. Granted, he was rather glad it wasn’t his face buried between the librarian’s thighs, but even the scraggly caretaker had someone. He resolved then and there to pull his head out of his arse and finally ask Ginny out. Besides, if Ron decided to punch his lights out, then he could just lean on his Slytherin side a bit and threaten to let everyone know of Ron’s interesting choice of partners. He was certain that not many people knew about him and Nott and Parkinson.

“Oh for fucks sake.”

Harry braced himself for whatever sight awaited him next. It had sounded like a female but then again, he’d heard Remus giggling like a school girl so he couldn’t be too sure. He cringed and slowly peeked around the door, praying that he wouldn’t see something horrible. Why did he have such rotten luck?

“Hagrid, if you don’t drop those trousers right now and get over here and fuck me, I’ll personally tie you to the bed.”

“But Sybill, I might hurt ya. I ain’t a small wizard.”

“I know!”

Harry ran. He would never, ever, ever be able to wash the sight of a naked Trelawney leering at an equally naked Hagrid after she’d yanked his trousers off. The bones and wrinkled skin was enough to give him nightmares. The hair and fat would have him admitted to the Janis Thickey ward at St. Mungo’s. If he never saw those two again, it would be too soon. Still, he supposed he deserved it. After all, he had stuck his nose in their business. This whole sneaking out thing didn’t seem so great on the grand scale of things.

Harry was reluctant to return to Gryffindor. He wasn’t sure he could look Ron, Dean, or Neville in the eyes so soon after seeing them. Of course, they didn’t know he had seen them, which only added to the guilt factor. He vowed then and there that he wouldn’t be sneaking out anymore. He abruptly switched paths and made his way to the ROR. At least there he could request a bed. Maybe he could spend the entire weekend there away from everyone.

If the fact that a door was already present when he arrived was odd, Harry never thought about it. His only thought was go in and purge his thoughts. He was about to whip his cloak off when he noticed that he was not alone. Deep shite wouldn’t cover it if he was discovered, for in the corner of the room stood his self-proclaimed nemesis himself, none other than Professor Snape. Harry barely backed into a corner before the door swung open beside him.

“Sorry I’m late,” Malfoy panted.

“You will be,” Severus drawled, spinning around to look upon his student.

Harry’s mouth once again resembled a fish when he realized that his professor was wearing nothing but a robe and it was draped open in the front. The flaccid appendage swinging between his legs was enough to make Harry jealous. He couldn’t imagine how large Snape would be erect and then mentally smacked himself for wondering in the first place.

Malfoy sighed and started stripping out of his clothes. “Greengrass and Bulstrode insisted on a threesome.”

“And,” Snape said, his voice pitching low in anger.

“And I told them to sod off,” Malfoy scoffed. “Of course, then Crabbe and Goyle had to get into it. I ended up suggesting a foursome and they took me up on the offer.”

“Sounds…disturbing,” Severus drawled after a moment.

“Oh, it was,” Malfoy assured him, stripping out of his pants. “I imagine Hagrid and Trelawney cut a better figure.”

Harry felt his stomach turn at that sentiment. He didn’t even want to imagine what a foursome with those four would look like, especially if they resembled the two professors he’d walked in on. Harry’s brain stuttered to a stop for a moment. How did Malfoy know about Hagrid and Trelawney? And what in Merlin’s name was he doing? Malfoy’s cock was jutting out proudly as he stared at his Head of House. It made Harry wonder if everyone was bloody well bigger than he was. All thoughts trickled out of his head when the door opened a second time.

“Starting without me?”

It took everything Harry had not to shout when none other than Hermione Granger walked through the door. She immediately started stripping off clothes. Harry averted his eyes to the side.

“We were seriously considering it,” Severus drawled and removed his own robe. “What kept you?”

Hermione sighed. “Seamus broke up with Stebbins and I didn’t have the heart to leave him…well, at least until he was good and drunk. Dean finally came in and got him from me.”

“Bleeding heart Gryffindors,” Malfoy muttered.

Hermione smirked at him. “You love me for it.”

“Obviously,” Malfoy drawled and pulled her into his arms, kissing her fiercely.

“I suppose I should go then,” Snape snarked.

The couple broke apart and looked at him in horror. “No!”

“Oh, decided to notice the old man?” Snape asked with a raised eyebrow.

Malfoy sighed. “You know we love you.”

Harry watched in fascinated horror as the three kissed, touched, and teased their way across the room where a huge bed appeared. How in the hell had he missed this? They were completely besotted with one another. He couldn’t decide whether he should be disgusted at their display or happy for his friend who was obviously head over heels for the two men who were currently sharing her. She rode Severus hard as Draco pounded into her arse from behind, screaming how much she loved them both the entire time.

Harry lost track of time, realizing that a few hours had passed since he had been trapped in the room with him. Snape might not have noticed him slipping in, but he certainly would notice if he slipped out. Draco and Hermione were both passed out, their lovemaking too much for them. His own knees cramped from where he’d been curled up in the corner for so long, waiting for them to nod off. Only Snape remained. He watched in awe as the normally cold man lovingly stroked his two lovers’ hair before gingerly extricating himself from them and pulling on a robe.

Harry had been in the same position for too long to move and was caught as Snape deftly yanked the cloak off of him. He stared up in sheer terror…until he saw the smirk.

“Enjoy the show, Potter?”

Harry gaped for a moment before he found his words. “How did you know?”

“You might be invisible Potter, but doors don’t just open and close themselves.”

Harry ducked his head, ashamed of himself.

Snape sighed. “Look Potter, as hard as it is to believe, I truly love them.”

“I know,” Harry said. “I’m not blind…though I wish I was.”

Snape chuckled darkly. “I take it you were privy to more than our endeavors tonight.”

Harry turned a bit green as he nodded his head.

“Take it as a lesson Potter. Some things cannot be unseen.”

Harry swallowed hard. “Trust me, I’ll never sneak out again.”

Snape cocked his head. “Not even to please your witch.”

“I have no witch,” Harry said glumly.

Snape tsked. “Honestly Potter. Get your head out of your arse. You can finally live. We all can.”

Harry blinked stupidly up at Snape until his meaning sunk in. He was free. He could do whatever he wanted. He didn’t have to settle for being a flobberworm in his dorm. He could actively pursue Ginny if he wanted. Voldemort was no longer a threat. There was absolutely nothing to stop him…nothing at all but his own perceptions. Of course everything was boring. He’d not started living yet.

Harry smiled for the first time in a very long time. “Thank you, sir.”

Snape nodded. “That will be twenty points from Gryffindor for being out after curfew Mr. Potter. Now get out.”

Harry narrowed his eyes at his professor for his punishment but said nothing. Instead he painfully rose to his feet and held out his hand for his cloak. Snape smirked and handed it over, opening the door for him.

“Oh, and Mr. Potter,” Snape called.

Harry turned around, wondering if he was going to tack on a detention as well.

“I’d avoid the alcove a ways down. Miss Brown has very...interesting tastes.”

Harry frowned, deciding he did not under any circumstances want to know what Snape was talking about. “Thanks for that.”

“Go get your witch Mr. Potter,” Snape said quietly and shut the door.

Harry walked slowly, contemplating the completely personality transplant that the potions master had. He hurried past the alcove where some rather disturbing sounds that reminded him of a horse whinnying were coming from and scampered into the portrait of the Fat Lady after muttering the password. Ginny looked up at him from the fire, her face a mask of impassivity.

Go get your witch Mr. Potter. Snape’s words rattled around in his head for a moment before making up his decision. He made a beeline for Ginny, scooping her off the couch and kissing her soundly. He was thrilled when she immediately melted into him, wrapping her arms and legs around him to get closer. It was heaven.

No, some things could not be unseen. He would probably spend a very long time trying to erase the scenes he had witnessed this night in his head. He realized that he had been much better off remaining in the darkness. Sneaking out had been a very bad idea.

But then again, he thought, as Ginny started sucking on his neck. Some things were worth it.

AN: So there you have it. Whether you loved it or hated it, hit review and let me know. If your wondering, my other two fics will be updated Monday. Until next time... Love you guys!
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The Adventures of Captain Peeping Tom