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All\'s Fair In Love And War	By : jameschick Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 21683 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 9
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- 11
Wrong Conclusions

I thought things would get better since I confessed my feelings to Harry. I thought he would come to return them in time. I thought, maybe, he already did in a way.

I guess I thought wrong.

He's been spending less and less time with me. He's been spending more time with Granger than with me. Hell, he's been spending more time with Granger than Weasley has lately. And don't think the weasel hasn't noticed it as well. If I didn't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Harry prefers blokes to birds I'd probably come to the same conclusion he has, that they are carrying on behind his back.

You know, that might almost be better. At least then I'd know it was because he loved someone else, not that he just didn't want to be around me anymore.

It's not like he's distant. No, when he is here, he's still the same sweet Harry that I fell love with. We still sit by the lake and talk, he still lets me hold him from time to time, and sometimes... some times I swear that when I look into his eyes there is something new in them. Something tender, caring, almost like he loves me.

I know that I'm fooling myself, only seeing what I so desperately want to see, but I can't help it. I see so little of him lately that I just want to cherish what time we do get to spend together.

It's NEWT year, and after testing we'll both leave Hogwarts never to look back, well, maybe not for me. I have nowhere to go. None the less, Harry will at least be out there in the world, away from Zabini and the pain of seeing him everyday.

Will he need me anymore after that? Will there be a place for me in his life after we leave school? Is he distancing himself now so that it will hurt me less when he leaves me far behind?

I know what you're thinking. That I'm acting paranoid. That Harry is a Gryffindor and he would never play with my feelings that way. That it's NEWT year and of course he's spending a lot of time with Granger, she's got a brilliant mind after all and Harry needs good test scores if he's to become an Auror. That Weasley has never taken his studies seriously and that it's no surprise that he isn't revising with them.

It makes perfect sense.

Really, it does.

Except for one thing.

I saw them together and they weren't studying.

They were here, at our tree, with their heads together whispering about something that I couldn't quite catch. No matter that I was only a few feet away from them under my invisibility cloak. Then Granger laughed about something and Harry got to his feet and tapped his wand on an old radio making it play before pulling Granger to her feet and into his arms. They started to dance. A waltz. Granger was leading.

I left.

I know he's not in love with her. I know they aren't fooling around. I know they are just friends. But I thought Harry and I were friends too. If he needed someone to teach him to waltz, he could have asked me. He knows I'd never turn away a chance to hold him close.

Then again, that's likely the reason he didn't ask.

He told me he wasn't ready. That he'd let me know when he was and I'm okay with that. I don't want to push him. I would never do that. I just... It hurts to let him go. To know that when school is over, so are my hopes of having a future with the man I love.

All those dreams of lazy afternoons together, curled up in front of a fire, mornings of watching him sip his tea as he reads the paper, taking walks through the autumn leaves hand in hand, they'll never be anything more than that - dreams.

And my fantasies? The ones where I undress Harry slowly, taking care to caress every part of his skin as it's slowly revealed to my hungry eyes, of laying him back on soft, silky sheets and worshipping him with my hands, my lips, my tongue, of taking that long, thick cock of his into my mouth and making him scream as I suck him dry, of burying myself so deep inside of him that he'll forget there was ever anyone else before me... Well they're all gone now too.

It might surprise you to know, that as much as I'll miss never having my fantasies come true, it's the dreams I'll miss the most. The normal everyday things that I wanted to share with him. Walks, talks, shopping, reading, laughing, dancing, crying, even fighting, those are the things that I will weep for when he's gone. Sex can be had with anyone who is willing. With Harry, I wanted love.

I wanted a future.

Kids. Dogs. A quaint little house with a white picket fence. I wanted to go through teething babies and potty training. Flying lessons and wiggly teeth. First loves and teenage angst. I wanted a family of our own.

I had hoped he'd want that with me as well.

I guess it�s better this way, his distancing himself that is. I can�t imagine trying to remain friends with him when he knows I want so much more. Not if he moves on, falls in love with someone else - and let�s face it, he will love again - how can I be expected to stand back and watch as someone else has my future with Harry and pretend to be okay with it?

I can�t.

I�ve tried to be a better man. To be a man that Harry could be proud to call his friend. I thought I had achieved that, but I haven�t. I just can�t watch him be happy with somebody else. Not when it�ll tear my heart to pieces.

It would make me resent him. I�d turn hateful and bitter and finally live up to my name as a Malfoy.

I love him to much to do that to him. To make him feel like it�s his fault I turned out the way I did - the way I will. No, it�s better that I take what I can for now and leave when he�s ready to move on. This way I can still be the man he made me into. I can still hold my head high and say I am not my father, I am Draco Malfoy and I am a good person.

I will miss him when he goes, but I don�t regret a single thing I�ve done to be with him. Given the chance to do it over again - knowing how things will turn out - I wouldn�t change a thing. These past weeks with Harry have been worth whatever pain I will suffer for losing him.

For loving him.

For loving him enough to let him go.

And the funny thing? It's almost Valentines day. A day for lovers. I day I will never celebrate again after Harry leaves me.
- 9
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- 11
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All\'s Fair In Love And War