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Angel Of Mercy	By : AttentionDeficit Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 10159 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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…And the Worst Turns into Hell
“Betrayal, what an unkind thing. You think ‘best-friend’ would mean the person would choose his best friend over an escape, but no, never. How dare I even think that? It’s selfish of me really. I mean people are only ‘BEST’ friends and best friends are supposed to be there for one another right? Or is it asking too much? Maybe it isn’t supposed to mean someone you can trust and that will be there for you, maybe it just means someone that you can tell everything to but in the end will turn around and betray you to the supreme form of evil.”
”It’s pointless for me to even be sharing this with you really. It isn’t going to make me feel better.” I say out loud. I don’t truly mean this, I’m just getting frightened.
”Then why are you here?” She asks.
”I’ve made a deal with a certain person that if I spilled my guts then he would too.”
”And you love this person?”
”Huh?”
”Well, to talk about what you’ve been through because someone else asked you to is a sign of love for that person. Especially since you have been in here for two months and haven’t shared anything about the reasons why you are here. I thought it would be safe to come to the conclusion that you loved this person.”
I give her a blank stare. Do I love him?
”Or, maybe you haven’t come to that conclusion yet, or maybe you don’t love him but you really just want to share what you’ve been through and if it is on someone else’s terms it just makes it easier for you.” She pauses and gives me this look, almost as if she can see right through me. She can’t, can she? “Anyway please continue.”
I try to figure out what she is thinking as she waits for me to continue speaking but her face in unreadable.
”My best friend,” I start to spill it all out again, staring at the clock, “Was the only person that found out that I was trying to help Luna. She was the only one at the time that knew I was gay. She found me one night placing a plate of food on the inside of Luna’s cell and she went ballistic, she screamed and screamed at me, ‘Draco! Don’t you know we could both die because of this?!’ ‘Draco, are you fucking insane?’ Eventually she calmed down and she said that she would go tell the Dark Lord what I was doing unless I did something for her. And so I started to do jobs for her. I made her bed, did her chores, rubbed her feet, and ran her baths. She went from being my best friend to just like all of the other people in my life, using me until I was no longer good. Eventually, I was no longer useful to her and she told the Dark Lord that I was gay.
“I remember standing by a wall, watching a Death Eater meeting and feeling absolutely empty and freezing cold. Then, the subject turned to the Death Eater’s to-be and their futures. My father said something about me marrying a pureblood from Germany. Pansy sniggered at that and I felt everything turn to slow motion as Voldemort and his Death Eater’s turned to face her. They asked what was so funny and she told them. She said, ‘No girl will marry Draco when she will finds out that he is a faggot!’ Up until this point I never realized the word ‘faggot’ could hurt so much. The entire room looked at me. Voldemort’s slits-for-eyes shimmered, Lucius tried to keep his face composed but his eyes were screaming bloody murder, Narcissa just looked disappointed and Pansy was sneering at me, as if she was glad that this fact could get me killed.
“Voldemort stared at me for a bit longer and then changed the subject. I think he wanted to see me be tortured by parent’s right at that moment. However, they would never raise a hand at me with so many people around, but, I was sure that when the meeting ended they would beat me, like they did when I was young and did something wrong. But, they didn’t. I waited all the next day for one of them to come near me, but they didn’t. They didn’t talk to me for the next four days. I don’t know what hurt more: that they were so ashamed of me they couldn’t talk to me or that the only person I ever trusted Hogwarts betrayed me in the worst way. I spent the next four days in my room, hiding. In hindsight, I should have faced them; I shouldn’t have been so cowardly. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe five days after they found out she wouldn’t have done what she did. Maybe if my parents would have been near me Bellatrix wouldn’t have been allowed to be in the manor after that night.”
I pause unable to say it. That night, God-damnit, that night! Why didn’t anyone save me? Why did they all have to leave when I needed someone, anyone, the most?
“What night, Draco?” Granger asks gently.
“The…The night my aunt first raped me.” I’m frozen; I’ve never told anyone that before, I can’t look at her. What if she judges me? I stare at my shoes, hunched over with my hair covering my face.
“Draco, you do realize that her actions are not your fault? You did not deserve what you got, no one does. Do you believe that?”
”No.” I whisper, not able to lie or look her in the eye.
”Why not?”
“Well, why didn’t anyone stop her? That night was the first of seventeen nights, before she died. Why wasn’t she stopped? The only reason I can come up with is that those who knew of what was going on though I deserved it—I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Granger looks at me, a soul searching look, before nodding her head and saying, “Alright, what do you want to talk about now? Do you want to continue with your story or do you want to be finished here for today?”
I consider both options for a moment. If I continue I will lose more control but that was the hardest part to tell. If I don’t then I will have to tell her eventually if I ever want to get out of here.
”I’ll continue my story.” I say quietly. Granger nods her head and I go back to starring at the clock. It was two minutes past noon. I had talked for a little more than an hour. Surprised at how much time had already passed, I took a deep breath and continued on.
“After the end of the war, the Malfoy name had lost all respect and my family tried to put it all back together. My mother saved Potter’s life, so he saved mother and me from having to go to prison. My father only went for two years and, because of the dementors all being eradicated, he was almost the same man when he came back. During the two years he was away, my mother and I tip-toed around each other. I went to muggle London a lot and slept with a lot of men. That way, they never knew of my history and they could never find me again.
“When my father did come back from Azkaban, I still tried to tip-toe around both parents. Unfortunately though, it didn’t work. Three months after he had come back from Azkaban he followed me to one of the spots where I would pick up men. I don’t remember the name of that night’s fuck buddy, but I remember telling him my name was Moritz. My father waited till I was in an alley feeling this guy up before he decided to intervene. He grabbed me by the collar and slammed me against the wall. The other man ran away, never looking back, as my father started to yell.
‘DRACO! How could you dare disgrace me like that? You are a Malfoy! Not some Fucking Queer!’
He smacked me across the face and I could only stare at him in shock.
‘How could you even consider fucking a muggle?! You are a Pureblood, have I taught you nothing?!’
And with that he apparated both himself and me back to the manor where he told me to go to my room and never ever let him catch me doing that disgraceful act again. I stupidly obeyed. I ran up to my room and hid in my closet like I did when I was little and was scared from some kind of nightmare I would have had. In the closet I found a pair of dragon daggers that Severus Snape had given me for my twelfth birthday. They were supposed to be used for cutting up potions ingredients. When I was young that is what they were gifted to me to be, but I barely used them, I admired them too much to get them dirty. Anyway, they were steal blades with a charm on them so that they would never dull, and the handles themselves were silver dragons with sapphires eyes. The artwork of dragons always captivated me, probably because my name means dragon. Anyhow, I found the daggers in the closet and through the small crack of light they glittered at me, almost calling me to them. I stared at the sapphire for such a long time, and by the time I realized it, the daggers were leaning against my skin. I suddenly got the thought in my head that red would look very good mixed in with the silver and blue, and the closest thing that was red was my blood. Acting on the impulse, I removed my pants and sliced open my skin right around my left right thigh, to reveal the most beautiful mix of colours dance before my eyes. I stared at the blood cover daggers until a house elf came and opened the closet door and healed my wounds. It then told me to get up and get ready for the new day. I crawled out of the closet to find that the sun was up and that it was around ten o’clock in the morning. I made myself presentable and did what I normally did, take care of some paper work for the ministry, avoid my parents, wallow in self pity; the usual.
“Life moved into an easier pattern for me. I had two ways to find release now; cutting and sex. I always found that if the house elves healed the cuts there would never be any scars, no matter how long after the incision was made. It was exhilarating for a while but eventually like the meaningless sex, it became mundane and I started to cut deeper and deeper to try to get that same high as the first one. Eventually I just did it because it was part of the routine. I let myself slip deeper and deeper into a routine that always ended up showing me life was pointless and I was better off dead. So, I went to work, which was odd for me since I could work at home, and slit both of my forearms. Unfortunately, I got light headed while finishing the left wrist and fell, causing someone to hear me and come in to save me. I don’t know who that person was; I only remember that the person was tall. Then I ended up here.” I look at the clock again, one hour and twenty seven minutes to tell my life story, well my incomplete story that is.
“May I ask you some questions?” Granger asks.
I nod, unsure of what she may ask but curious none the less.
“When your father was yelling at you for being a disgrace to the Malfoy name, did you ever think it wasn’t because you were gay but because it was a muggle you were about to have sex with?”
”…No. My father never seemed to be happy that I was gay.”
“Maybe he wasn’t pleased about it but he accepted it. Many homosexual’s parents aren’t happy with their child’s sexual preference but they accept it, even if it takes them awhile.”
“I’ve never thought about it that way. My father just never seemed to be pleased with me, no matter what I did, so I’ve no idea.”
”If you were to ask your parents if they accept you and they said yes, would you start to accept yourself?”
“I do accept myself.”
“Draco, do you believe you will ever find love or happiness? Do you even believe love can happen between people of the same sex? We live in a society where most people are alright with homosexual relationships. Maybe your parents were only displeased with your relationships because they didn’t want to see you in pain.”
I freeze; I truly do not know what to say. Luckily, Granger doesn’t press me for answers but moves on with more questions.
“When Severus Snape saved you from bleeding to death in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, would you say, that that is the last time that someone showed you affection before you started to cut yourself?”
I stop to think about it before I let out a whispered yes.
“Do you think that is the true reason that you started to cut? Because, when you were bleeding, someone showed you love and care. Your subconscious inferred that bleeding in front of people would help people show affection toward you. Do you agree with this?” Granger asks me.
“It could be correct, it sounds very reasonable. Can I think about it some more and get back to you?” I ask, scared shitless that, if what she says is true, then what I have thought was the reason for the self-injury was all just a bullshit cover for something that was a lot deeper, a lot heavier.
“Of course you can.” Granger smiles at me. “That’s all the questions I have for today. You may leave if you want to, unless you have more to say.”
”No, I’ll go eat lunch. Bye.” I say hastily and then proceed to try not to run out the door. Clearly this leaves me with a whole-fucking-lot to think about, and it truly does scare me. All the things I’ve been doing could be just a search for love, affection, and attention. I might just be the thing I hate most and always claim not to be: an attention whore.
* * *
!QUESTIONS FOR READERS!
Please, dear reader, answer the following questions so I can get a general idea of my publics wants. Thank you.
Do you want Draco’s life outside of Aspen Springs to be in this story or a sequel?
Should Draco’s life after this detour be in first person or third person point of view?
Please Review and let me know what you would like.
Always know someone out there loves you and if you feel like committing the big S. Don't. Talk to someone. Somebody will care.
-Laura
-Attention Deficit
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Angel Of Mercy