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You Don't See Me	By : KohakuShadow Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 11703 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. I'm not making any money off of writing fanfiction for it, either. Obviously.

Chapter List
- 1-I
- 2-II
- 3-III
- 4-IV
- 5-V
- 6-VI
- 7-VII
- 8-VIII
- 9-IX
- 10-X
- 11-XI
- 12-XII
- 13-XIII
- 9
- 10
- 11
X.
'This is the place in my heart. This is the place where I'm falling
apart.'

Harry had barely spoken to him
in the two weeks since they'd had dinner together. He said what was
necessary, but he no longer tried to start conversations. Severus
realized how much he missed those conversations. Today, he noticed
that Harry's desk was unusually tidy. Harry had told him yesterday
evening that he had an interview this morning, so he would be late.
He'd added, 'on the off chance that you care' to the end of the
statement.

Severus sat back with a sigh.
'The problem is that I care too much. I just want what's best for
you. And what's best for you is getting away from me.'

He'd taken Harry's words to
heart. He'd stopped using Lily as an excuse. And if he pulled Lily
and his distant past with her and with James Potter out of the
picture entirely, which he realized he'd unconsciously done quite
some time ago now, then the way he felt when he looked at Harry could
only mean one thing: somehow, when he hadn't been paying attention,
he'd fallen in love. 'Why is it always a damned Gryffindor?'

It had been hard to tell Harry
to leave, do something with his life. Maybe in another five years,
Harry would decide to come home again. If he did, Severus wasn't
under any delusion the young man would still harbor any feelings for
him, but he could still dream. Dreaming was all Severus seemed to
have in life anymore—nightmares from the past and impossible
dreams for the future. But what was most important to him weren't his
dreams at all. Even now, with Harry grown, all that truly felt
important was looking out for him. It was no longer an obligation
created by his own deluded mistakes, nor did it have anything to do
with an overwhelming sense of guilt over the past. He just had to, as
a man in love. He realized his love for Harry had more depth than his
love for Lily once had. That wasn't to say he hadn't loved Lily, but
it was a selfish and self-serving sort of love. He liked to believe
he would have made her happy, but he would have been no better than
the tyrant he'd had for a father. In the end, it was his selfishness
and jealousy that had cost her her life. But Harry? He loved Harry
enough to do what was best for him, even if he, himself, had no place
in the life that was best for the one he loved. He would give up his
life in a second if he thought it would help Harry find happiness,
and more than that, he would cling to life for a thousand years if it
would please the brat. His own feelings, the ache and longing in his
bones, the pain of living on in a world that no longer had a use for
him—these things didn't matter in light of what was best for
Harry. That's why he knew, more than anything else, Harry had to go.
His altruistic side wouldn't hold out very long if he had to look his
love in the eye, deal with the young man's hormones and fantasies
that he knew wouldn't last. He would cave in under the pressure, and
Harry would come to hate him for it.

The door swung open. Harry
stared at him for a long moment like he wanted to say something,
badly, but couldn't find the words. He sat down at his desk. They
wasted the next twenty minutes pretending to not notice that, rather
than working, they were just sitting there staring at the back of one
another's hands.

“I've
passed the Auror exam,” Harry finally said without looking up.

“Congratulations,”
Snape answered, but didn't sound like he meant it.

“I've
also been talking to George Weasley.”

“That's
nice.”

“He
says he could use some help at the joke shop, if I decide not to be
an auror.”

“So,
you haven't made up your mind yet, then.”

Harry lifted his head and glared
daggers at Snape, as if he were the sole reason he had to make a
choice at all. Why couldn't Snape understand? If he wanted to choose
something that would make him happy, then he'd be staying. Once, he'd
dreamed of being an auror—but they were childish dreams. Now
that Voldemort was defeated, he didn't think he really wanted that
out of life anymore. George's shop would be fun, but he would only be
a half-assed replacement for Fred, and it wasn't something he would
want to do forever. A few years, maybe.

“I
wasn't aware you were in such a rush to be rid of me,” Harry
answered tersely. “If it means that much to you, I'll resign
right now if you'll let me keep my room for another week or so.”
He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream, too. Not being able to decide
which he wanted more, he didn't do either.

Snape sighed. Things between
himself and Harry were never going to be easy, were they? Even in
love, he still thought the boy was a nuisance. “What exactly is
it that you want me to say?” He was mentally exhausted and
supposed he sounded that way. “I advised you to do something
with your life. If you decided to take that advice, then don't blame
me because you can't make up your mind. I'm not inside your head
ordering you around. You're not a child anymore. If you're going to
make a decision, or choose not to make one, then the blame for that
lies with you.”

Harry got up and threw a teacup
at Snape. He wasn't really trying to hurt the man, it was just the
first thing his hand reached in his moment of anger. “God! Why
are you like this?! Merlin, you're such a wanker! Would letting
someone in past that damned gruff exterior of yours be so bad?”
He didn't wait around for the answer. Once again, Harry stormed from
the room slamming the door. The portraits rattled and offered Snape a
few choice words for always egging the Potter boy on.

Snape ignored them. Would it be
so bad? It would be devastating, he was sure. His track records with
relationships was impressive only if you were gauging them relative
to how badly they'd gone. Each one turned out worse than the last.
Surely, leading Harry to hate him more than he liked him would be
easier on both of them. After all, it was what they were most
accustomed to. He'd told himself that a number of times these past
two weeks, and each time seemed less and less convincing when weighed
against the memory Harry naked, splayed out in the moonlight, and
screaming out his name in ecstasy.

Severus shook his head and
shifted uncomfortably in his chair. That particular memory always
stirred a deep lust in the pit of his stomach that he'd been
previously unaware he was capable of feeling. If he could just
Obliviate that particular memory, he was sure this would all be so
much easier, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was a memory
that he thought, perhaps, might do well to keep him company once
Harry was gone from his side. That day wouldn't be far off now. He
both yearned for it and dreaded it.

*

“Well
then, what's on your mind, Mr. Potter?” Professor McGonagall
asked as she flipped her wand. The teapot busied itself pouring two
cups of tea.

“I'm
sorry to bother you, Professor. I just...” 'Needed
someone to talk to who might give me some advice without making me
feel like a slug.'

McGonagall quirked a brow and
waited him out. She was no fool. Everyone in the castle could feel
the oppressive tension that he and Snape had been radiating these
past weeks. One day, the aura around them would be light and almost
cheerful, and the next week and a half would find them dismal and
murderous. She'd figured it was only a matter of time before they
worked things out, but if Harry was sitting here then things were
worse between them then she'd imagined.

“If
you don't mind my asking, Professor. After you graduated Hogwarts,
how did you know what you wanted to do? I mean, did you always know
you wanted to be a teacher?”

“I
knew that this was where I belonged. The rest seemed rather obvious,
given that, don't you think?”

“Oh.”
Harry slumped. If even McGonagall had had some trouble deciding, he
wouldn't feel so hopeless.

“Where
is it that you feel you belong then, Mr. Potter?” It was
obviously where the conversation headed.

“Well,
I...Hogwarts is my home,” he answered weakly, still just
staring at the tea. “But Professor Snape doesn't think that's a
good enough answer. He's asked for my resignation. I...I've decided I
won't stay where I'm not wanted but...of all the other things I've
thought maybe I can do, none of them really appeal to me. I want to
be here. There's som...there are things here that are important to
me. It doesn't have anything to do with a job, or whatever. I
just...don't want to leave things like this.”

McGonagall let Harry's words
hang in the air for a while to really sink in. “It would seem,
Harry, that you've answered your own questions long before you ever
asked to speak with me. If you don't want to leave things the way
they stand, then you'll just have to decide how you do want to leave
things, won't you? Now then, not to be abrupt, but I've a class to
teach in twenty minutes.”

Harry's eyes widened in
understanding. “You're right, Professor. I guess I'm still
pretty thick.” He gave her a sheepish smile and thanked her.
“I'll give it one more go,” he said. 'One more try. If
you still turn away from me after that, I'll leave, and I'll do it
without regrets because I'll know I really gave it my best shot. I
can't force you to love me, after all. But, I can at least force you
to listen to me. Just once more.'

*

Harry was starting to think
Snape had been right all those years he'd called Harry mentally
deficient. No matter how much he thought about how to prove to Snape
that he loved him and wanted to stay with him, ever single idea came
down to sex. He would start thinking seriously, trying to come up
with a plan, and ten minutes later he would realize that he was
imagining the older man naked and his hand was down his pants. Again.
He eventually decided that if every effort at formulating a plan was
going to end in him jerking off and then having to start his planning
from scratch, then he was much better off to just wing it.

Winging it is what he'd had in
mind when he'd shoved Severus Snape against the wall of a deserted
hallway. The older man was caught completely off guard, to say the
least.

“Have
you lost your mind,
Potter?!” he demanded.

“Yeah,
probably. But if I have, it's your fault.” He pressed all of
his weight against Severus in an attempt to keep him pinned there,
but he knew if Snape really wanted to, he would easily be able to
escape. The man was nearly twice his size, after all. “Because
you don't listen to what anyone has to say. Because even if you do
listen, you never believe them.” He dropped his head against
the older man's shoulder, still holding him as firmly against the
wall as he could. “Because I don't know what I'm supposed to
tell you. Tell me. Tell me what words I have to say to make you
believe that I really, seriously, love you.”

Severus steeled himself. It was
easier than he thought, considering he was rather annoyed at being so
unceremoniously shoved into a stone wall not a minute ago. “You
already know the only thing I want to hear from you,” he
answered, “is when you're planning to leave me in peace.”

Because surely longing for the
boy from a distance would be far closer to 'peace' than having to
defend himself against teenage hormones day in and day out. He'd
seriously thought about caving in, but he'd had enough of sex without
love for one lifetime—it had never been a pleasant
experience—and he knew Harry had already nearly won. One more
firm push, and Severus' was afraid his resolve might break.

Harry's lip quavered. Why
couldn't he have said anything else? Anything. Snape had said the one
thing that would deny him completely. Harry had said 'I love you'.
And Snape had asked 'when are you leaving?' “So...if I leave,
then you'll believe me,” he answered flatly. He didn't know how
he could speak. He felt breathless, like there were a thousand shards
of glass in his heart and lungs and it hurt to breathe. “If I
take some job I don't really want, and leave Hogwarts for you
then...you'll believe that I love you.” But what would it
matter then? If they weren't together, why would it matter that Snape
knew how much he loved him? It mattered though. Merlin, it
mattered so much! “Alright. So be it. You win. I give up.”
He let Severus go, barely able to contain the tears in his eyes as he
stepped back. “I had to try one more time, but I won't stay
here if you hate it that much. I...god!” Harry ran the
back of his sleeve over his eyes before the tears could fall and took
a shaky breath to collect himself. “Weird, isn't it? Did you
know you could fall in love with someone who every fiber of your
being is telling you you shouldn't even like? You drive me crazy. You
don't know how to say anything nice to anyone. Your bitter and cruel
and the only pleasure you seem to get out of life is making the
people who care about you miserable. But at the same time...I can't
help but feel like I understand what made you that way. All this time
I really, really wanted to hate you. You can't even let a guy down
easy. I guess I should thank you for that. When I'm off somewhere
that's never going to feel like my home, doing a job I hate, living a
life I hate, I'll be able to blame you for it. Maybe I'll be able to
hate you then. If I do, I guess I'll end up just as bitter and
spiteful as you.” He smiled sardonically. “We'll finally
have something in common.”

He turned to leave, but wasn't
able to turn fast enough to avoid Severus seeing the tears start
streaming down his cheeks.

Severus listened to Harry's
sneakers pounding against the marble all the way up the empty
corridors. He imagined he could hear Harry running away from him long
after the echoes had faded and silence permeated the hall. For the
first time he thought that he'd like to believe Harry. He'd like to
believe that the young man actually felt all the things his hormones
had deluded him into thinking he felt, but he'd long since given up
on trusting people, even himself. What Harry wanted from him was
simply more than he had it in him to give.
- 9
- 10
- 11
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You Don't See Me