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To Find The Missing Lifeline	By : EvilConcubine Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 37353 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 2
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Chapter List
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9. Fragility



     It was the end of February; a month had passed since they'd broken up. Draco still felt awfully lonely and hurt. He'd only accepted the fact that they would never be together again, but he didn't feel any better about it. His health seemed to have started a real rebellion.

     He felt ill. The food was usual, but he was disgusted with the very look of it. He forced himself to eat, almost without looking at the plate, thinking that he would feel better later. But, instead, he started to feel nauseous and chilly. Finally he almost stormed out of the Great Hall, leaving his half-eaten breakfast. He prayed all the gods by their given names not to let him throw up in the corridor. Once he'd finally reached the lavatory, he closed the door and started to vomit.

     In the afternoon he felt much better, though still a little weak. He decided to try to eat the lunch. He tried a few little bites experimentally and his stomach seemed to find it acceptable.

     The other day started with disasters. Not only he overslept, but drinking just a glass of water caused vomiting. And he hadn't even eaten yet! He was late on his first lesson, so McGonagall took ten points from Slytherin. At least, he was ready for the lesson and quickly gained those points back. But the whole day was a sheer disappointment. He contrived to stumble on Harry and his girlfriend in the corridor between the lessons. They were walking, talking cheerfully about something, holding hands like a real couple they were. They didn't have to hide. And they looked very happy together... Draco's heart was wrung with dismay, but he never really looked up and just went past them, as if nothing was wrong.

     Later, sleepy and dizzy Draco was half-listening professor Sprout's lecture about the stinging poisonous plants. Thankfully, it was the last lesson of this nasty day. When the woman finally offered the students to move to the next greenhouse and look at the different species of the stinging plants, they stood up. Draco stood up as well, but regretted it immediately. He was the last one to leave and he only made a few steps, feeling extremely dizzy and hot; his eyes sunk and he started to fall. He managed to grab the corner of the desk not to hit the ground hard.

     He heard very concerned voice of Professor Sprout and forced himself to open his eyes. The professor was kneeling next to him with worry on her face, while he was lying on his back. Draco realised that he had fainted. He assumed he'd been unconscious only for a couple of minutes or so. His shoulder hurt a little; most definitely, he'd hit it on the ground, which was faced with hard masonry. Trying to focus, he moaned weakly. Everything was blurry, but he saw a few students standing near professor and looking down at him. It was embarrassing.

"It's all right, Mr Malfoy. We're going to take you to the infirmary," Sprout said as her panic started to subdue.

"Nnh... No... I'm fine. I just..." he mumbled.

"Goodness, you're so pale," she gasped, shaking her head.

"I just haven't had enough sleep, that's all..." he insisted. He got up slowly with her help. He was dizzy and wanted nothing more than a warm bath and a comfortable bed. "Thank you. There's no need to bother. Continue the lesson, please."

"It's your last lesson of the day, isn't it?" she asked, helping him to sit down on the chair.

"Yes, it is."

"Then go have some rest, at least, if you refuse to go to the infirmary. I dismiss you,"

"Thank you," he said quietly. He just shrugged when she had sent another boy with him, insisting that someone had to see him to his room.

     When Draco was on the way from the greenhouse, Harry almost ran against him so suddenly that the blond flinched. The Gryffindor had almost been running back to see what had happened when someone had said that Draco Malfoy had fallen. He stopped and looked at the blond with anxiety in his eyes, not knowing what to say. However, Draco didn't look back. He was looking down, patiently waiting for Harry and the other curious idiots to move away from the door, so he could leave. 'What is it? Someone ran like hell to inform the others that 'Malfoy fainted' or 'finally died'?' Draco frowned to himself, but he felt too tired to get angry. In fact, he was indifferent. When everyone had finally let him go through the door, he left with his unwanted (thankfully, silent) escort behind his back. Once they reached the dungeons, he sent the Hufflepuff away and continued his way alone.

     Warm bath, potion and bed... It felt so good. Severus came to him before Draco had a chance to fall asleep.

"Draco, what happened? I've been informed of your fainting fit," the man said.

"Oh, it's nothing. You know some people just enjoy making much ado about nothing," Draco shrugged.

"And yet?" Severus insisted.

"I didn't get enough sleep last night and, perhaps, the smell of some plants affected me that way. I'm fine now," Draco assured sleepily. "I'm sure it was professor Sprout, who told you. You know she's a Hufflepuff. Too thin-skinned..."

"You've been studying a lot lately. You ought to rest more."

"Right. That's what I'm trying to do right now," Draco mumbled, barely able to fight the effect of his potion. The familiar and very hospitable oblivion was consuming him, making him feel boneless and utterly relaxed.

"I'm leaving then," Severus shook his head and left.

     This morning he really felt disgusted with food. Even the smell of it made him feel dizzy and nauseous. But he managed to eat a little, avoiding eggs that had become the most unwelcome food for him lately. He couldn't even look at the eggs, no matter how they had been cooked, and the bloody elves kept cooking it for breakfasts! At least, he usually could normally eat dinners and suppers without the dire consequences. But he wasn't enjoying the food anyway.

     Later he started to look at the other students covertly, and he was definitely the only one, who suffered from food poisoning. Everyone looked quite fine with their meals, so he started to suspect that someone was poisoning him deliberately. He began to check his meal carefully, smelled it, but there was no sign of poison. He couldn't be sure though, knowing that some poisons could be tasteless and could almost have no smell. There were even some poisons that could adapt and imitate the smell and taste of food, if brewed by a skilful potion-maker. Some poisons were intended to kill very gradually and it was very hard to detect them in the victim's blood after death. It just had to be added in food and drinks periodically, in small doses. These thoughts made him paranoid. Every day he carefully studied people around him and changed places at the table every mealtime. And nothing. Everything looked peaceful and nothing confirmed his suspicions. He'd already lost some more weight. He had always been slender, but now he'd become almost skinny.

     It was harder and harder to ignore his health problems. One morning on the way to the Great Hall it happened again. On the verge of fainting, he slid down the wall. A few students moved past him. No one offered him any help, not that he'd expected them to. He still couldn't decide if he was going to faint or vomit. Meanwhile, Severus and McGonagall were heading to the Great Hall for a breakfast and saw the boy sitting near the wall. They approached him quickly.

"Draco, what happened?" Severus asked with concern, kneeling next to him.

"Nothing. I just don't feel well," Draco replied. He had almost overpowered a fainting fit, but felt dizzy and tired. His body was aching due to fatigue.

"Again?"

"I'm all right, Severus. I just need more sleep. I'll go back into my room and ask one of the elves to bring me my breakfast."

"Mr Malfoy, you've been looking ill lately. I'm sure visiting Madam Pomfrey would be a good decision," McGonagall advised.

"Thank you, headmistress, but, I believe, you're well aware of the poor state of my health. I'm sure there's no particular reason to disturb the other people," Draco refused. He didn't want others to treat him as if he was made of fragile porcelain. He even started to get angry. He just wanted to be left alone. Severus frowned. Something was very wrong with his godson.

"I'll help you to get to your room," he offered.

"No. There's no need to," the boy refused. He stood up, leaning against the wall, and walked away. He headed to his room, but Severus was secretly following him to make sure Draco wouldn't fall on his way.

     Draco was lying in bed for some time, then drank a potion to ease the headache and dizziness, and called the elf. He informed the small creature that he was ill and asked to bring him some light breakfast (without eggs!). Vegetable salad and tea with lemon were acceptable and he even felt better after eating, so he thanked the elf kindly for finding something that his unsettled stomach managed to keep down and for staying with him to make sure that he was all right. He was ready for the lessons and his mood was better.

     However, the next morning he fell into a faint in his bathroom before the lessons and found himself lying on the floor when he regained consciousness. Had he fainted from hunger? He hadn't been eating well lately, of course, and this morning wasn't an exception. He had looked at his plate and felt very much like if he'd been looking at the dead rotting rat. Cursing mornings more than ever, he'd moved his plate aside with disgust, had drunk his tea with lemon and returned to his room, since he'd had some time before lessons. No, something was definitely wrong with him. At least, he hadn't fainted with the other people around him as it had happened two previous times. It had been embarrassing. He still had some time to go to the Charms classroom if he moved fast enough. He managed to get there in time; tired, dizzy and feeling hot, hoping he wouldn't faint again during the lesson.



     Harry was restless again and felt utterly guilty. What he had done: left Draco alone and the way he'd done it, had probably affected the blonde's health due to stress. 'I brought him only misery and pain,' Harry sighed to himself. Draco's fainting fits were scaring him. He knew about two of them (someone had told him that Draco had been seen sitting near the wall, looking very ill and both headmistress and Snape had tried to help him, because he'd supposedly fainted) and prayed the gods that that weren't heart attacks or something equally terrible. Nevertheless, the blond sometimes looked very ill and pale. Approaching him and asking him what was wrong, wasn't an option. He'd already tried and it had only hurt and enraged Draco. It was equally pointless to try to read his face, looking for the answers; Harry couldn't do it anymore, because the mask was impenetrable.

     Vomiting had finally stopped and Draco calmed himself with deep breaths. He washed his face with cold water and rinsed his mouth. It was Friday morning after breakfast and he was waiting for the days off like manna from heaven. It was two weeks, perhaps, even more, since it all had begun, but he hadn't been feeling well for even a longer time. He needed rest. 'Was I poisoned?' he mused again, though not really believed it anymore. It could be just some disease, caused by stress, and with his weakened health it seemed to be a very logical explanation. The results of his Deep Sleep potion abuse could have finally started to show with such side effects as well. On the other hand, anything could be expected from the people who hated him. He had to check. But for now he had his lessons to attend to. He didn't want to be late and explain himself.

     When the lessons were finally over, he headed to his godfather's chambers. The man was still absent, probably busy with those, who had detentions. Draco was allowed to take any books and ingredients he required. He equipped himself with everything he needed and returned into his room.

     In his bathroom he brewed a special reactive. That reactive enabled to do the blood tests and reveal many illnesses. In the end he added a few drops of his blood and waited for results. The reactive could only give common information about the state of someone's health. If Draco was poisoned, it wouldn't recognise what kind of poison had been used. There were other, more complicated methods to find out the details. For now Draco had to find out what was wrong with his health in general. Ten minutes later the reactive had gradually changed its colour. On the bottom of the flask it was dark-red with clots. That indicated a heart disease (not terminal, fortunately), and it wasn't something to be surprised by. On the surface it was light-violet and transparent. And in the middle there was a layer of warm grey that resembled smoke or even a moss, covered with thick smoke. In the book he found that it was a sign of general weakness. It wasn't surprising too. But the light-violet on the surface... The only explanation the book gave was pregnancy. And, according to the book, the clearer the light-violet liquid was, the more was the probability of said state. In Draco's case it was very clear. He frowned in frustration and brewed the same reactive again. The result was the same. He cursed. He wasn't in the mood for such jokes. 'Some idiotic mistake' made him brew the other one, but this time he followed the other recipe of the similar reactive. However, it indicated pregnancy as clear as noonday. Everything perfectly matched with the description in the book: colour, consistence, transparency. Somehow the possibility of being poisoned wasn't so frightening anymore. From the book Draco learned that the signs of poisoning were completely different, and they were nothing like the results of his tests. No, he wasn't poisoned and he wasn't hexed; he was damned...

     After several hours of brewing and making all those tests he gave up. His fingertips were pricked all over and his eyes hurt because of the fumes. In the end, out of angriness and annoyance, he brewed a reactive that only meant to confirm or disprove pregnancy. To his shock it gave a positive result. He gasped for breath and left the bathroom, refusing to even think of the gained results. It was almost four in the morning. No, he couldn't think anymore.

     He sedated himself with potion, slept for almost twelve hours and woke up with a heavy head. It was Saturday and he thanked gods for it. He tried not to think about what had happened last night, but the nausea after a cup of tea was a persistent reminder. He ventured to repeat the pregnancy test. Almost in silent trance he was staring at the liquid in the small glass flask as it was changing its colour, no matter how hard he had mentally begged it not to; it was inexorable. Positive. He closed his eyes and tried to put his thoughts in order. Fainting fits, morning sickness... Everything seemed logical, except the fact that Draco was a man. He let out a small bitter laugh that changed itself into a bitter cry seconds later. 'I obviously haven't had enough, so something like this had to happen to finish me off...' He wept and shivered, sitting on the floor of the bathroom.

     Still in tears, disgusted, embarrassed and furious, he poured the contents of the flask out into the sink. He felt sick of himself. 'What a farce!'

     He terribly regretted coming back to school to finish this damn year. He had done it for his future, he reminded himself out of habit. 'What future, for goodness sake?!' It appeared that coming back to Hogwarts had ruined his life completely, life that hadn't been whole already. He had become even more oppressed after attacks of the spiteful students. He'd fallen in love with Harry and had lost him, and that had torn his heart into pieces. It was even more tragic, considering that he still loved him. And now what? Pregnancy... A nice addition to his woes. Harry had made him pregnant... How could it happen? 'It's impossible. It can not be done without long-dated preparations, and even then, there's no guarantee that it would work,' Draco thought. Not that he knew much about the subject, on the contrary, he knew very little about it. He was much more concerned about the fact that it had happened personally to him!

     For more than two following weeks Draco tried his best to ignore his condition. He knew it was cowardice and 'that thing' inside of him wouldn't disappear if he paid no attention to it. Ignoring wouldn't change situation, of course. He had to do something about it before it started to show. He was already showered with questions by the headmistress, who had seen him looking sick and very pale a few times during breakfasts (not to mention his two fainting fits in public that had happened earlier). She also paid attention to his lack of appetite. She kept summoning him into her office and asking him if the other students bothered him again, assuring him that he could trust her and there was no need to cover up the bullies. He kept answering that he was fine and no one bothered him, so she started to insist that he had to be checked by Madam Pomfrey. Severus also asked questions that were almost the same. "I'll be fine, there's no need to worry about me," Draco always assured them.

     His mood was changing from self-pity and absent-mindedness to the angriness. The latter found him once in the DADA lesson. The duels were arranged among the students and Draco's opponent was Januarine Levitus from the Ravenclaw, who reputed to be one of the best duellists of his house. He also was the one who had bullied Draco in the beginning of the school year along with Gryffindors, and along with them he had been given the detentions by McGonagall.

"Are you still here, Malfoy?" Levitus mumbled annoyingly when they were standing on the platform, facing each other.

"I'm surprised that you're here and you don't even hide behind your Gryffindork sidekicks. I'm already impressed," Draco replied, giving him a disdainful glance. When they began, Levitus was immediately taken aback by the Slytherin's swift attacks. The Ravenclaw even hadn't been given a chance to attack, he could only defend himself. Draco needed to let off some steam and his opponent was more than suitable for it. He didn't even care that he himself could really get hurt by some of his reflected spells. Januarine was literally blown off by the storm of Draco's wrath. The blond was behind himself and put the Ravenclaw to complete rout, so Levitus was taken away to the infirmary with some burns; deafened and shocked. The damage wasn't grave, of course; nothing that Madam Pomfrey wouldn't fix rather quickly, - in a couple of days. Most students were looking at the blond Slytherin with the frown, but he didn't care. Why would he, if he was already a villain for them? Draco chuckled at them quietly before he left.

    A pair of green eyes was watching the blond with concern. Harry knew Draco was far from being fine. Not only he was enraged (though desperation could be seen very clearly behind the anger, and, perhaps, was a source of it), but also it seemed he didn't care about getting hurt. During the duel, he'd hardly cared about evading his own spells that had reflected from Levitus' magical shield! Such demeanour wasn't normal for Draco. The grey eyes never looked back at Harry. Their owner left the hall, looking annoyed, but satisfied with his little revenge, though it obviously wasn't a vengeance behind his actions. It had been nothing like their beautiful duels in the Room Of Requirement... 'Draco, what are you doing to yourself?' Harry thought and sighed. Ginny took his hand and called him for dinner, interrupting his thoughts.

    The DADA professor from Durmstrang was impressed, almost enraptured; however, he knew that such traumatic duels weren't allowed in Hogwarts, therefore, he made sure that such gifted student wouldn't have any problems after the incident.

     Draco was furious. The world was full of girls and women that would have given anything to get pregnant with a Saviour's child, and, of all people, Harry had banged him up, and then just changed him for a Weasley bitch! There were only troubles and pain because of Harry, and Draco was just a fool that he'd allowed it all to happen! He felt used. He hated 'that thing' inside of him! He even avoided touching his stomach out of squeamishness, knowing that it was in there. Not only he didn't want it, he was also scared of it. It was unnatural; Draco was a freak and he was carrying another freak inside. Why was it still alive, robbing Draco of his weak health? He didn't want to share anything with it; however, it was taking everything it needed to live. But there was no reason for it to live. Couldn't the thing feel that it was unwanted, unloved, even hated? Couldn't it feel that no one was going to take care of it, so it was best for everyone (and for it, in the first place) if it... died? Draco felt angry and helpless. No, he had to deal with it. March was nearing its end and he still hadn't done anything about it. He had to get rid of 'the thing' and forget about it. But how? He had once overheard the talk of two girls; it had happened years ago and they had been several years older than him. One of them had said that some other girl had terminated her undesirable pregnancy by taking a very hot bath. He felt uneasy even thinking about it. It seemed so unreliable, and... the way they had been talking about it so casually... He dismissed the thought.

     He hadn't found any suitable information among his own or Severus' books, so he started to ransack the school library (not that he really hoped to find something like that at school). It took him almost four days, since he wouldn't ask Pince where to look, for an obvious reason. Finally, he found some book with a couple of recipes of potions to cause a miscarriage. He ignored the distant feeling of pain deep inside of his heart where he'd hoped that he wouldn't find what he had sought. With this book he returned into his room and sat down on the bed. It was Thursday. 'Tomorrow after lessons,' he decided. The thought was frightening, but he had to stop being a coward.

     Throughout the whole day he tried to prepare himself for what had to be done. He hadn't even noticed how fast the school day flew by; though he wished he had more time. In the evening he became so nervous that he decided to delay this matter till the next day.

     The next day he felt utterly depressed and isolated, too much even for himself. After supper he returned into his room and started to brew a potion from the book, trying to keep his heart cold. He decided to pretend that it was for someone else, just to calm his shaking hands. Few hours later it was ready. When it got cold, Draco took the vial and brought it to his lips. His heart was beating fast and the fear was starting to take control over him. Displeased with himself, he put the vial, sill full, back on the desk, and stared at it for some time. And then he cast a glance at the opened book.

     '...You should be aware of the dangers of taking this potion. Such symptoms as vaginal bleeding, weakness, vomiting, stabs of pain, mild fever are considered normal. Possible complications: life-threatening loss of blood, high fever. Without proper examination there's a risk of incomplete miscarriages, which can cause blood poisoning and...'

     This was only a part of the small print at the foot of the page. He'd read it before, but he'd been in some kind of a prostration back then. And now that he'd actually realised what he was about to do, he ran to the bathroom and vomited. He was terrified. The information was addressed to the women, and what would that potion have done to him?! His attempt could have actually ended with the internal bleeding. He hadn't thought it out beforehand, he hadn't thought about the consequences. He could have taken the lethal poison to commit suicide equally well, and, perhaps, it would have been less painful (somewhere in the back of his mind he thought that, perhaps, it wasn't such a bad idea, since there was no end to his troubles, but he swept the thought away). He felt even more disgusted with himself, cursed himself. 'How could I be such an idiot, thinking that everything was so simple?!'

     After pouring the damned potion out into the sink he sat down in the armchair and tried to relax, still shaking. 'What the hell am I doing? I have to clear my mind, concentrate and think before I act.'



     The next day, however, he felt as if he was half-conscious. And then, when his mind became clearer, he started to think more about what was growing inside of him. It wasn't some kind of a parasite as he'd used to call it. It was a part of him, in the first place; a part of him and Harry, in fact, though he didn't like to think about the latter. It was a human being, no matter how small it was. Could it feel anything already? Could it feel just as miserable and lonely as Draco? He wasn't so sure anymore that he didn't give a damn about it. He didn't really know what he felt, didn't know what to think and what to do. At least, he couldn't ignore and deny it anymore. He was pregnant.

     He desperately wanted to talk to someone, but he was too scared, embarrassed and ashamed of himself.
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To Find The Missing Lifeline