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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

Chapter List
- 9
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Lost and Damned

Memories Seem to Fade

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“Potter. Stay after class.”

Harry glanced up in surprise at the Potions master as he poured the day’s potion into a vial, swallowing hard. Harry had gone to Dumbledore when Snape said he wasn’t going to be giving him any more lessons. He figured Dumbledore would need to know, in case he had to get other people to come help him, but most importantly he was hoping Dumbledore could help make Snape go back to teaching him. Snape was a complete git, and Harry had no idea why he was so anxious in hoping Snape would go back to being his usual teacher, but it was all he had been thinking about for days. Besides, Snape knew a lot…A lot of things that could be useful to Harry.

Somehow, Harry felt nothing but dread as the other students lined up to hand in their potion for testing. He leaned back against a table and ignored the look Hermione was giving him as she walked up with her O worthy concoction. Was the man going to yell at him some more? Harry figured the only real reason Snape would ask him to stay was because Dumbledore had gotten through to him, but Harry wasn’t nearly as excited as he thought he should be, considering this was what he wanted. He was sure that even if lessons did continue, they would be worse than ever after everything. Harry wasn‘t sure he should dare hope for the long, civil conversations they had been having recently afterwards. Harry had to admit, he missed those.

Once all the others left, Harry slowly walked up to Snape‘s desk, confused when Snape held out his hand. There was a moment of silence and Snape slowly raised one eyebrow. “Potion, Potter,” Snape said and Harry glanced down at the vial in his hand. “Oh, sorry,” Harry muttered, handing over his potion for inspection. He shifted awkwardly on his feet, looking all around the room as Snape eyed the potion and sniffed it, wrinkling his nose and writing down on a piece of parchment. “Potter, this is awful even by your standards. Sit down.”

Harry sighed and pulled up a chair to the desk and sat down while Snape flicked his wand to roll up the parchment and sent it across the room. “You are steadily becoming the new Longbottom, Potter. Would you care to explain why your already abysmal grades have been declining?”

This was about his grades? His stomach sank and he felt disappointed that it wasn’t about renewing his lessons, though he was a bit surprised Snape was approaching him about his bad grades. “Ummm….”

“No statement that starts with ’um’ can be an intelligent one,” Snape muttered and Harry flushed angrily, glaring at the man.

“I--!”

“I don’t want to hear your pathetic excuses,” Snape cut in, holding up his hand. “I know very well why you’re doing so badly. You spend the entire class period ogling me like some lovesick fool. Whatever is going on in that thick head of yours is your own business, but you should not let your ridiculous feelings and fantasies disrupt your schoolwork, especially in classes you already do poorly in,” Snape explained. Harry clenched his fists, a million and one comments on the tip of his tongue, just waiting for Snape to say something about it. “I am especially loathe to reinstate our lessons with you acting such a fool.”

Harry blinked in surprise, anything he had in mind to say falling away. “What?”

Snape sighed in irritation. “Are you truly this daft, Potter?”

Harry‘s eyes flashed angrily and he opened his mouth to speak, but Snape quickly cut in. “What I am saying, Potter, is that the headmaster insists that I give you these extra lessons, but I will not continue to do so if you let this silly little crush of yours get in the way of not only these extra classes, but my Potions class, as well. D--”

“Oooh. Does Potter have a crush on teacher?” came a mocking voice from behind him.

Snape’s black eyes narrowed dangerously and Harry gasped and jumped out of his chair, spinning around to stare wide-eyed at Draco Malfoy. The little prat was smirking victoriously and Harry panicked, turning to Snape who addressed the blond boy in a cold voice. “Draco, learn how to knock before I am forced to take points from my own House,” Snape snapped, causing Draco to look startled. “You heard nothing. If you need to see me, come back later. I need to finish my discussion with Potter.”

“O…Okay, Professor,” Malfoy muttered and Harry relaxed a bit, a bit surprised by the boy‘s reaction. Looking more confused and surprised than anything, Malfoy turned and walked out of the room, closing the door.

“He--!” Harry began.

“Won‘t say a word,” Snape said sternly and Harry just glared at him. He was getting tired of not being able to complete a thought around here. He was also unable to belief that Malfoy was really not going to say anything.

“I wouldn‘t count on it,” Harry said coldly, pacing behind his chair.

“Sit down, Potter,” Snape commanded. Harry only stopped behind the desk and glowered at him. He couldn‘t possibly like this man, Harry told himself. Why had he wanted to resume these lessons? It was a really awful idea. Snape was such an arse! Harry could hardly even imagine fantasizing about the man right now, let alone anything more than that. At least this answered that stupid question Hermione had asked days ago. There was no way Harry had any sort of feelings for this git! “Sit down,” Snape repeated sternly.

“I don‘t want to.”

“Stop being childish!”

“I’m not being childish! I just don’t want to sit down! I want you to make sure Malfoy doesn’t go around telling everyone what he just heard!”

“He will not say a word.”

“Of course he will! He’s just as much of an arse as you are!” Harry snapped.

“Potter--”

“You’re right, Snape. I don’t know what I have to worry about! No one would believe anyone had any feelings for an ugly, evil git like you anyway!”

“Of course not. Only the best for their golden boy,” Snape said dryly.

Harry stood there, breathing raggedly while his heart raced in his chest. He was still fuming and he started pacing around again, waiting for Snape to say or do something. Snape only sat there, though, watching him. Harry couldn’t read that look in his eyes…He didn’t know if there was fury there or calm or anything. Harry was too furious and worked up to notice anything. Slowly, though, the lack of a reaction forced him to calm down and he did so reluctantly, hesitating a moment before sitting back down in the chair.

Snape didn’t take points or give him a detention or order him out or anything. He only stared at him with a look of forced calm and was silent a moment before finally speaking. “We will meet tonight after dinner.”

Harry nodded stiffly and grabbed his bag from the floor and headed to the door.

“One more moment, Potter.”

Harry froze in front of the closed door, feeling himself getting worked up again, expecting some nasty remark from the Potions master.

“Draco will not say anything about what he heard today. I would appreciate it if you would do him the same favor.”

Harry quirked an eyebrow and turned to stare at Snape in confusion. Snape only stared at him for a moment before explaining. “I know what you saw other than…Than that particular dream the last time we practiced Occlumency. My conversations with Lucius Malfoy…What was discussed between us is a personal matter and I hope you have not said anything…Though by the fact I have not heard anything about it, that you must have kept your mouth shut. Merlin knows how gossip runs through this place,” Snape murmured. “I would appreciate it if you would continue to keep the matter private.”

Snape was giving him such a serious look, almost on the verge of pleading, if Harry dared believe it. He wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the man’s expression. He also didn’t know what to make of the man’s words…Not for a few moments. Finally, though, it dawned on him as he remembered all of the memories Harry had seen from Snape’s mind. It wasn’t just that delicious fantasy involving the two of them, but heated conversations with Lucius Malfoy about his perverted ways….Harry had never put much thought into the conversation until now. It had never really mattered until now…Now that he thought about it, though, his stomach lurched as he realized what it meant. Lucius Malfoy was molesting his own son? At least that was what it seemed to Harry.

“Of course, Professor. I would never say anything about that,” Harry said seriously. Harry could hardly imagine anyone being so horrible, even a Death Eater. He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it and did his very best not to. Merlin, it was going to be hard looking at Malfoy now…How was he supposed to act normal around Malfoy, knowing something like this? Harry wouldn‘t tell, though…Harry had enough respect to not do anything like that.

Snape didn’t look entirely convinced, but he nodded anyway and Harry left the room with too much on his mind.

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Poor Harry had a detention with Umbridge before dinner and then lessons with Snape right after dinner. Snape focused on teaching him defense and neither made any mention of Occlumency. After their last disastrous lesson, Harry figured it would be a while before they practiced any more Occlumency. Harry was surprised when Snape offered him a seat after their lessons and Harry slowly sank down into the familiar cushions of the gray couch while Snape took his usual seat in the nearby green couch. Harry definitely didn‘t think they‘d be continuing their friendly chats, but found he was immensely grateful for it. All of the anger he had been carrying around for Snape all day didn‘t seem to matter in light of his surprise and pleasure over the matter.

“I see you‘ve landed yourself into a spot of trouble with that foul beast of a woman again?” Snape inquired, nodding to Harry‘s sore right hand. He had been particularly off with his defense today, mainly because holding a wand was difficult with his hand being so sore. Harry looked down at his hand, still throbbing in pain, still curled up in the most comfortable position he could manage with it. “Did you run out of the solution I gave you?”

“Yeah. It didn’t take long to get through it,” Harry admitted sheepishly. He landed himself in detention far too often for anyone’s own good. Angelina was furious with him for missing so many Quidditch practices because of it and Harry hardly had time for anything between Umbridge’s detentions and his lessons with Snape. He almost wanted to use that as an excuse for him doing so badly in Potions, but that conversation was long over and Harry knew very well Snape had been right.

Snape tsked. “You really ought to be smart, Potter. I know it‘s quite the feat for you, but I have every confidence you can muster up enough brain cells to keep out of Umbridge‘s way,” Snape said, standing up and walking over to a cabinet. Harry might have been angry over Snape insulting his intelligence yet again and annoyed by yet another person telling him to be careful around Umbridge, but something about the fact that Snape cared enough at all to warn him about it made him feel too pleasantly surprised to feel any of those negative emotions.

“Has nothing to do with brain cells. I just have a knack for getting into trouble, s’all,” Harry said with a grin. Snape made a noise and Harry liked to think that man had laughed and it made Harry smile a bit more, though he fought to hide it as Snape turned back around and carried over a vial of the red potion he had given Harry before and Harry took it eagerly and dribbled a bit onto the back of his hand and he rubbed it in, hissing at the way it burned and tingled at first before finally settling down and feeling better after several minutes, a bit longer than it had taken last time.

“That woman does need to be put in her place,” Snape muttered to himself, sitting back down in his chair. “Though I highly doubt a fifteen year old boy is enough to do the trick. You‘re in bad enough shape with the Ministry as it is, Potter. Making it worse for yourself is not doing anyone any good, you realize. The more you go against her, the more you are making a bad name for Dumbledore and every one of his and your supporters. Do not give them any reason to do any worse than they already have,” Snape warned.

“I didn’t know you cared,” Harry said teasingly without really thinking about it. Almost as soon as he said it he froze a bit, not wanting to bring too much attention to himself, though he glanced warily at Snape who had frozen, as well.

“Contrary to popular belief, I am not a completely heartless bastard,” Snape muttered, shifting ever so slightly where he sat. “Though you‘d do well to keep that to yourself.”

“No one would believe me if I told them, anyway,” Harry said weakly, trying to keep his tone as light and joking as before. At least Snape hadn’t snapped at him or anything like that. “I believe it, though,” Harry added after a moment.

“I am touched,” Snape drawled sarcastically, though he looked highly uncomfortable and Harry cleared his throat, feeling a bit awkward as he shifted in place, as well.

For a while they sat in silence. Harry wasn’t always sure what to say. He knew he had a lot of questions he wanted to ask. He wanted to know more about the situation with Lucius and Draco Malfoy, but he figured it wouldn’t go over very well if he asked Snape about it. He also concluded that discussing the dream Harry had seen in his memories also wouldn’t go over very well. Eventually Harry brought up the topic of Quidditch which led to a lighthearted debate over athletics versus intelligence in which Snape made a comment about not believing Hermione was friends with dunderheads like Ron and himself and Harry threatened to tell Hermione that Snape was saying nice things about her and Snape retorted that he would hand Harry over to Umbridge the next time he did something even slightly wrong. After about an hour, the two men found themselves laughing and enjoying one another‘s company way too much. Harry hardly thought anything of it until Snape suddenly turned serious and his laugh turned into a cough.

“I think it would be best if you would return to the tower now,” Snape said quietly and Harry opened his mouth in protest, but was at a loss as to what to say. He only nodded after a moment and stood up, feeling very strange as he left the dungeons. He felt like he was in a dream…Or just waking from a dream or something. It was still so strange to Harry that he could sit and enjoy himself around the Potions Master he had hated for so long. What really got to him, though, was the fact that Snape would seemingly pull away every time they started really enjoying themselves. Was it so wrong to actually maybe become friends or something? Harry found it strange to picture himself as friends with someone twenty years older than him (though the age difference wasn’t too strange to imagine sex with the man, a voice in his head argued), but even being on friendly terms with the man or even to not hate each other as much or something couldn’t be too awful, could it?

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“Severus, is it really so awful to enjoy Harry’s company?”

“Yes, Albus! Yes. It is.”

Albus chuckled. “Severus, the entire point of this is for you two to get along.”

“I do not care to warm up to the boy, Albus!”

“I am well aware,” Albus said, his voice both amused and impatient.

“As long as we are not cursing one another at every turn, I do not see what it matters.”

Albus was quiet for a moment. “What’s really going on, Severus?”

“Nothing!”

“Then why are you so opposed to getting along with Harry? There must be some reason for it.”

“There is not.”

“Come now, Severus.”

“I merely do not wish to be on good terms with the son of James Potter!”

“That rivalry was so long ago, surely you can’t still be--”

“He‘s her son! She died for him! He‘s the reason Lily‘s dead, Albus!”

Albus frowned deeply and sighed. Severus sank back into his chair, feeling restless and overwhelmed and not entirely sure what his true reasons were for being this way. Lily had been his best friend…The only person who had ever really cared about him and one of the few people Severus himself had ever cared about. Severus had resented Harry for a long time. He resented Harry for living when his mother had died and he had hated Harry for being the reason Lily had died. He hated Harry for being the son of his old school nemesis. He hated him for looking so much like the boy who had made his school life hell. What he hated msot of all was the fact that he didn‘t really hate the boy anymore…It felt like an insult to himself and to Lily‘s memory to not despise the boy for all that he was.

“Harry didn‘t kill her, Severus…Lily--”

“Yes, yes, I know…Her sacrifice,” Severus grumbled, feeling his heart jerk and clench at the very thought of the woman he had loved. He felt disgusted with himself…More so than usual just thinking about her. “Her choice. And she‘s still gone. And he‘s here! I hated him for so long for living when she died. I hated him for being the son of James Potter! I despise that I can no longer loathe him the way that I used to and I try damned hard to sometimes. Hating him is a lot easier than anything else, Albus! I‘ve even started having dreams about the boy!”

Severus’s eyes grew wide in horror while Albus’s blue gaze only seemed mildly surprised. “Dreams?” Albus questioned curiously and Severus wanted to bite off his own tongue to prevent anything more from slipping out. He was feeling emotional with the mention of Lily coming up, but that was no excuse. He had to be better than this!

He leaned slowly back in his seat, his body loosening up a bit as he looked away from those intense blue eyes. He would admit nothing. He would get up and leave before these damned emotions led him to do more damage.

“What do you think?” Severus muttered quietly, glaring down at the floor. He felt nothing like himself right now. Ever since he had had that damnable dream about Potter he felt like he was losing it. Maybe he was going insane, he thought bitterly. That was the best explanation for those ridiculous nightmares and his body’s unnatural reaction to them.

“Sexual dreams?” Albus questioned hesitantly. Severus cringed and Albus slowly nodded his head. “Ahh.”

“Ahh?” Severus snapped, anger flashing in his dark eyes as he turned his glare upon his old friend.

“Calm down, Severus,” Albus said gently. “It was only a dream,” he said carefully. “You aren’t invol--”

“Albus!” Severus exclaimed, horrified. He felt himself panicking. He knew he shouldn‘t have said anything. “I woul--”

Albus raised his hands and Severus slowly quieted down, eyeing the man in anger and horror. “I did not mean anything by it, Severus. I only mean to point out that having such dreams is not wrong. Perhaps they were in response to being around Harry so much and seeing so many of his own, similar dreams,” Albus said simply. “And as long as you are not touching him, you are not doing anything wrong.”

Severus nodded slowly, letting himself calm down. It was just a dream…He had seen that brat’s ridiculous fantasies and that was why he had had those sorts of dreams himself. There wasn‘t a very good excuse for the fact that he got aroused by such visions, but he figured that was only his body‘s natural reaction…Maybe it had nothing to do with those dreams at all. Maybe it was just a regular ole morning wood with bad timing.

“There‘s nothing to worry about, my boy,” Albus assured him with a smile. “Now, do you think it might be easier for you to befriend Harry? He could really use everyone he can get on his side.”

Severus wasn’t too sure about that. Even when he told himself it would be okay, he still found it hard to make himself completely comfortable with playing nice with the brat. He found himself nodding despite himself. It wouldn’t hurt to try, he assured himself. At least convinced that his recurring dreams meant nothing he would feel more at ease around the boy. At least he wasn’t a complete pedophile like he had been feeling for days now. There was nothing wrong with him at all.

Even feeling more relaxed all night, assuring himself that everything was fine and normal, he still felt very disturbed as he woke up with another hard on from yet another dream about bending Potter over his desk.

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Author‘s Note: Okay here‘s another chapter! It‘s not much, but I promise it‘ll get better soon! Please review! I‘ll love you lots! Chapter title lyrics from "Buried Alive" by Avenged Sevenfold.
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Lost and Damned