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Let Love In	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 3124 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
- 9
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- 11
Chapter Ten: Guilty

Sirius sat on the floor, not moving. Peter looked terrified and suddenly hopped up, he opened his mouth as if to speak but shook his head, looking away from Sirius and rushing out the door. Sirius was alone with Remus, who hadn't moved from his position on the bed and as Sirius watched him he felt his guts twist viciously and he clambered to his feet, running to the bathroom and dropping to his knees before the toilet just in time...

Remus heard Sirius throwing up as he gazed at nothing. His fingers gripped the pillow beneath his head and he felt that awful sense of betrayal engulf him once more, he closed his eyes tightly. James had told him everything, Snape had told Dumbledore that Sirius had told him how to get past the Whomping Willow and that James had pulled him back just in time, and saved his life. Sirius had betrayed him. He had trusted his friends, they had become Animagi for him, he had felt safe in the knowledge that they would never hurt him or...use him. He curled further in on himself, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter. He felt as if everything had been a lie, that Sirius had allowed someone to discover his secret, had even enticed them right into the den and nearly had them murdered was all too much. He heard the sound of soft footsteps, they paused and he pretended to be asleep, he didn't want to talk, he didn't want anything to do with him. Finally he heard a soft sigh and the sound of bed curtains closing, then, through the half darkness he heard a whisper...

"I didn't mean to hurt you...I'm...so...sorry..."

Remus didn't reply. He lay there, listening to the quiet sounds of the dorm as Sirius went silent. It was a heavy, pregnant silence that made him want to cry, but he couldn't even do that. He could have killed Snape, he could have killed or infected Sirius...he was a monster and the encounter had simply served to prove the point. He could clearly see, in his mind's eye, the mess Sirius had been in when he had woken up in the forest. He had seen the teeth marks, blood seeping from the wounds and he had felt his whole world fall about him. James had appeared, he had healed the teeth marks, explaining that he had bitten him when he was a dog, not as a human and there was no way he could become a Werewolf. But it didn't make anything better...because James had then told him that Sirius had lured Snape to the shack, Sirius had all but told him that Remus was a werewolf...and the darkness had been impossible to hold at bay. Snape was unharmed, just scared, and Dumbledore had sworn him to secrecy...but the possibility had still been there, Sirius had still shattered six years of trust and friendship with his actions. And Remus didn't even know why.

The next two weeks were the worst of Sirius's life. He ate alone, he woke alone, he walked the corridors alone...everything was covered in a blanket of grey fog. Even his birthday was spent alone, curled up on his bed as he wished he could turn back time and stop himself from telling Snape...but, now he was seventeen and he had to concentrate on finding a place he could live. James had made it pretty clear he would never forgive Sirius for breaking trust so he got hold of the Daily Prophet and began distracting himself by trying to find a flat somewhere.

One day he sat in the Great Hall, staring blankly at the table while people chatted and laughed and he felt more alone than ever...someone tapped him on the shoulder and he looked up into dark eyes. The girl smiled at him.

"Hey, you look like you could use some company; want to go to Hogsmeade with me?"

Sirius looked her up and down before shrugging and standing. "Come on then..." he took her hand and she smiled. "What's your name?"

"Celeste, Celeste Rosier..."

Sirius turned, raising an eyebrow. "Evan Rosier's cousin?" He asked slowly. "Slytherin? You know you're breaking every pureblood rule by doing this, don't you?"

She smirked. "Of course. But everyone's been saying that you're changing and well...I kinda hoped the rumours were true..." She stepped close to him, batting her eyelashes.

"Rumours?"

"That you lured that Snape boy into a trap and tried to kill him for being half-blood and being friends with that red headed Mudblood..."

Sirius looked away. "What would you do if they were true?" he asked, mechanically.

"I'd say that your parents should know you're not so bad after all..."

"Well, sorry to disappoint you...I didn't do it because of his blood status and Evans isn't friends with him anymore from what I understand...not after what he called her."

She pouted. "Ah well...we can still have some fun, my parents won't mind...even if you are a blood-traitor."

Sirius let her pull him into the crowd of people all waiting to go to Hogsmeade. He felt numb inside, his heart hardly seeming to beat as he stood beside the girl. He felt eyes on him and turned his head slightly, only to find Remus watching him from the top of the stairs. James at his side, James's eyes landed on the girl and he looked disgusted, he grabbed Remus's arm and pulled him away. Sirius looked at his feet.

They went straight to the Three Broomsticks and sat at the bar, Sirius gazed around leaning on one hand when the pretty, young barmaid walked over to them, smiling. "What can I get you?"

"Firewhisky." Sirius said.

Rosemerta raised an eyebrow. "How old are you, Sirius Black?"

"Seventeen, for crying out loud. I wouldn't order alcohol from you unless I was, would I?"

She snorted. "I wouldn't believe it from you, you tried when you were in fourth year, if I remember correctly and my father had to refuse you." She smiled at Sirius's innocent expression. "But, seeing as I know it was your birthday just recently I'll be kind...and what will your young lady like?"

"Oh...Gillywater for me, please." Celeste said with a smile.

Rosemerta busied herself preparing their drinks and Sirius felt Celeste's hand on his leg, slowly sliding up his thigh. He watched it absently for a second, he was surprised to feel nothing. "Here you go, loves...enjoy." She waved away Sirius's money. "It's on the house, happy birthday."

Sirius thanked her and tossed back his drink, Rosemerta raising both eyebrows and refilling his glass automatically. "You should slow down, don't want you causing trouble in my pub, young man."

Sirius smirked. "Would I? I'm offended, Rosemerta."

She snorted and slid his glass back into his palm. "You'd cause anyone trouble if the mood took you, Sirius Black...now drink up before I change my mind about giving you free drinks." She disappeared to serve another customer and Sirius's smile fell from his face as he gazed into the amber liquid in his glass. The heat from the alcohol was at least making him feel something.

Later his head was feeling pleasantly fuzzy, he listened to Celeste talk as he drank glass after glass. At one point he disappeared off to the toilet and when he returned Celeste pushed his glass back into his hand, standing on tippy toe to whisper in his ear. "Let's get out of here..." She breathed against his ear, he nodded and downed the rest of his drink before stumbling out into the evening air. As he walked his vision started to go funny and he frowned, stumbling slightly. "Are you ok?" Celeste's voice was like a distant echo as he fell into a wall. "Sirius...?"

"Ung..." He blinked, trying to clear his fuzzy vision but was brutally unsuccessful. "Wha...wha' did...you put in my drink...?" He managed to speak, though his mouth hardly seemed to want to work. He saw Celeste smirk, her hand reaching up and brushing hair from his face.

"Oh, this was way too easy..." She said with a small giggle. "You just let yourself walk straight into a trap, all because a pretty girl asked you out? You're pathetic, Black. Like I'd ever stain myself by touching a traitor like you?" She laughed and shadows seemed to detach themselves from the walls around them.

Sirius pushed himself away from the wall. "Bitch..." he muttered before falling forward, his knees hitting hard cobbles. Laughter filled his ears, but he couldn't concentrate on it. His body felt light and his head was swimming. He had taken drugs before but never unknowingly, and he had no idea what she had given him. But he also knew that whatever the men surrounding him had planned, he would deserve everything...Because she was right, he was a traitor...a filthy, useless traitor who betrayed his best friend, his lover...

Remus stepped out of the portrait hole and almost fell flat on his face as his feet caught on something on the ground. He stumbled but managed to catch himself, his eyes drifted downward and he saw a crumpled heap. "Sirius!" he gasped, kneeling down and rolling him over, he could hear the soft snores from the Fat Lady but only had eyes for the boy on the floor. Sirius was covered in bruises, his jeans dirty and torn, his shirt ripped open and large letters had been carved into his chest with a knife:

Blood traitor.

His face was white, a nasty bruise on his jaw and what appeared to be hand prints on his throat. He was breathing heavily and his eyes flickered open, Remus couldn't stop the gasp from slipping past his lips. Sirius's eyes were black, his pupils huge and as he tried to speak blood dripped from the corner of his mouth, finally it all proved too much for him and his head fell back, his eyes rolling back into his head. Remus sat there, numb shock freezing him to the spot while he ran shaking fingers through Sirius's hair, he felt tears sting his eyes as they lingered on the awful words scrawled across his chest. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Sirius's eyes refused to open, his head was pounding horribly and he felt violently sick. There was something that his brain was trying to remember...but it was like trying to catch smoke in his hands.

"This was not an attack by Students, Headmaster."

Sirius could hear Madam Pomfrey speaking in hushed tones, she sounded afraid.

"And what makes you say that, Poppy?"

"The curses used, no student would ever dare..." She trailed off before taking a shuddery breath. "Also...what they did to him, this was an attack by adults. I would hate to think that students would actually dare do...do that to someone."

"What is the damage? I must know."

There was the sound of something shifting, probably Pomfrey shifting nervously. "Albus, they drugged him with something, I don't know what, but then they...it seems, judging by the internal damage, he was..." She sighed heavily. "Tortured...brutally."

Dumbledore was silent for a long time, Sirius felt his heart stop in his chest...then slowly begin beating again. He deserved it. He didn't need pride when he had destroyed his best friend. He didn't deserve dignity when he had hurt Remus so badly. His wounds, his trauma were well deserved.

"Poppy, please keep him here, under strict observation...I will address the school and maybe find out if anything suspicious was spotted. I will also be cancelling all further trips to Hogsmeade...if this was indeed a Death Eater attack, we cannot risk more."

Sirius heard the headmaster leave and he lay perfectly still, his mind oddly calm as he considered all he had heard. He remembered going to the Three Broomsticks with Celeste, but he didn't remember leaving...the last of his memories were foggy, he saw faces, cruel and dark...he could hear laughter, and he felt cold hands on him, pinning him down while they dug something into his chest...and that was it.

When he next woke, he could open his eyes. He gazed up at the ceiling and took a shaky breath, slowly sitting up. A voice made him jump.

"Sirius!"

He turned to see Remus standing by his bed, James at his side looking awkward. He said nothing, he couldn't even look at them, so he covered his face with his hair and drew his knees to his bandaged chest.

"H-How...how are you?" Remus moved forward, placing his hand on Sirius's shoulder, he jerked away violently, the touch reminding him of cold hands in the dark. Remus snatched his hand away quickly, his eyes wide and confused. "Sorry..." he muttered.

Sirius buried his face in his knees. "Don't...don't be. It's...I...I don't deserve your kindness...Please, hate me. Hate me...because it's the only way I can make up for what I did to you. Hate me!" he nearly shouted the last, but bit down on his lip to stop it.

"I can't hate you." Remus said softly. "I tried...I really, really tried...but I can't."

Sirius finally lifted his head and Remus gazed into eyes that were too dark, too dead. He tried not to show the fear on his face. "Why? Why can't you hate me? James is right! I'm a traitor! There's this...thing...inside me! It's dark...It's dark and evil and painful and I-I can't control it! I'm dangerous! I'm going to do it again! I'll betray you all! James knows it!"

James looked away, guilt obvious on his face. "I...I was wrong." He said slowly. "I was angry and I blamed you...but...we all make mistakes, and if Remus is willing to forgive you then maybe I can too."

Sirius gazed at his friends incredulously. "You're both idiots." He said softly.

"Sirius..." Remus sat down slowly, being careful not to touch him. "What happened? All we know was that some Death Eaters managed to get hold of you...but then...how did you get back into the castle? Who was it? Why did they do it?"

Sirius shook his head slowly. "I can't answer that." He said hoarsely. "Last I remember was going to the pub and drinking with Celeste and then..." he paused, gazing into the distance while he once again saw those pale faces, distorted by the drugs that had been flowing through his system. "...It was...dark...and I..." he shook his head, shoving fingers into his hair. "I can't remember."

"It's alright...we won't push for information." James said slowly. "But you knew that girl was Slytherin..."

"Of course I did! She's one of my numerous cousins..." Sirius snapped. "I'm not a fool."

"Then...why did you go with her? You can't trust a Slytherin!"

"I didn't trust her...I wanted..." He glanced at Remus, whose eyes darkened. "I wanted...to forget...to..."

"To shag her?" James said shaking his head. "Man, you know how to pick 'em. Just because she's got a nice pair of tits on her, doesn't mean you should try and get into her knickers."

Sirius chuckled at that, feeling the tension leave him slightly. But he still couldn't bring himself to look at Remus. "I don't understand you...any of you...I...I betrayed you. I hurt you...why would you forgive something like that?"

"No one was hurt except you." Remus said, managing to keep his voice steady as he forced away the jealousy and anger at the thought of Sirius sleeping with another. "And...James said that you...that you went for me, you tried to stop me from killing Snape...and for that I'm grateful."

Later Remus snuck back into the Hospital Wing, casting a quick silencing charm on Madam Pomfrey's door, he walked over to Sirius's bed and gazed down at him. He was fast asleep, hair falling across one cheek as he breathed slowly. Yet he couldn't have been dreaming anything nice, his face was contorted slightly and he looked like he was in pain. Remus leaned down, brushing fingers through his hair and pressing his lips to his. Slowly Sirius's eyes opened but he didn't move. He felt strange, he had been in the grips of a nightmare and now he was having a rather pleasant dream. He lifted his arms, encircling Remus and dragging him closer, his lips parted slightly and allowed Remus's tongue to enter his mouth. Remus's eyes opened and he drew away slightly, hair falling onto Sirius's face. "You're an idiot, Mr. Black." He whispered. "And...apparently so am I." He smiled weakly and kissed him again.

"This is too nice...I should be having nightmares...not dreams." Sirius whispered, pulling Remus bodily onto the bed. "Don't ever let me wake up."

"Promise." Remus replied.

Things were awkward for a long time afterwards, the Marauders seemed quieter, less playful and Sirius accepted that they would all need time to adjust. But, eventually things got better again and soon the teachers were once again tearing their hair out due to things suddenly exploding, people turning into giant confectionary and by far Sirius's favourite; Severus Snape ending up having his hands turn into spoons which tried to attack him at dinner.

Sirius still felt that awful tension in Remus whenever he was near but it lessened as time went on, he also found that Remus became rougher, more dominant and he began to express his anger by taking it out on Sirius's body. Sirius accepted this as his punishment, he was still plagued by guilt and when Remus's hands closed over his throat and he was told to shut up, he did so without question. He came away bloody from these encounters, bloody and yet he still found himself begging for more as Remus pushed his face into the pillow at night to muffle the sounds.

Remus couldn't control the rage that flooded him, every time he was near Sirius he remembered what he had done and the wolf demanded blood. He felt terrible afterwards but Sirius merely smiled at him, kissing him gently and assured him everything was alright...he only wished he could believe him. It felt as if poison was running through his veins, his love for Sirius was turning into something dark, something terrible and he had the strongest feeling that they were going to destroy each other, allowing their passion and lust to rip them to shreds until there was nothing left. But...he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop his hands from choking off Sirius's air supply, he couldn't stop his teeth from digging deep into his flesh, he couldn't prevent the intense need to hurt him, to make him scream into the pillow at night...the silencing charms preventing sound from escaping their closed off bed. The love was turning on them both, twisting itself into something else, something dangerous...but it was addictive. Neither could let the other go, neither could stop the adrenaline, the pure, unadulterated rage from overcoming them until they woke covered in blood and bruises and barely able to even look at each other.

Summer drew closer, looming just over the horizon and Sirius told James that he had found a flat and he would be moving in when they returned. They had all managed to pass their Apparition tests with distinction and Sirius found himself looking forward to having his own place, his own home...he could fill it with the things he wanted without having to worry about whether he would end up with broken ribs for it. He relished the idea of this new freedom, he was bouncing up and down as they boarded the train for the summer. James was oddly quiet, his eyes on Remus as he read his book quietly, Sirius talked almost non-stop, he was practically bouncing up and down in his seat...

"You guys will have to come see it! It's amazing! I'm going to fill it with awesome!" he grinned. "And I want you guys to stay over, of course, we can stay up all night and get totally rat arsed! There won't be any parents...and there are no rules in my house! Also-..."

"Sirius, shut up." Remus snapped. Sirius fell silent snapping his mouth closed and glancing warily at Remus, who was in a bad mood for some unknown reason.

James felt the tension, it made him feel uncomfortable as he shifted nervously in his seat. He had no idea what his friends were hiding but he didn't like it when he saw Sirius with bruises around his neck, or scratch marks down his back. He hated seeing Remus with bruises on his arms, and what he was sure was human teeth marks on his shoulders. Sirius turned to gaze out the window, his eyes darkening like the clouds outside, heavy with rain.

Peter felt as if he was the only one who knew. James seemed suspicious but he was certain his friend had no idea exactly why Sirius would spend a day limping slightly, or why Remus didn't like Sirius touching him during the day. He had heard the noises at night, sometimes they forgot the Charms and Peter would wake to hear disturbing noises coming from either Sirius's or Remus's beds. The soft moans, the whispers, the sharp cries of pain and the sound of sweaty skin and tangled covers...He had tried to bring it up, but he hadn't been able to find the courage, especially after he had accidently encountered them in the second floor bathroom. He had never been able to erase that image from his mind, watching Sirius push himself deep inside Remus's body while Remus muttered obscenities he rarely said in company. Peter flushed at the mere memory of it, he hadn't liked it...it had been weird and made him feel slightly sick, but he knew it did happen, it was just strange seeing his normally composed, calm friend with sweat sticking his hair to his forehead, his finger nails scraping desperately at the toilet door while he moaned and came with a violent shudder.

The train whizzed through the countryside, the sky finally giving in to the inevitable rain. Remus had fallen asleep, his face pressed to the cool glass as his book slid from his fingers and landed on the floor with a thump. Sirius leaned down, picking it up and stowing it into the overhead rack before dragging out his own cloak and throwing it over the sleeping Werewolf. James sighed heavily, watching students pass back and forth outside, he sat up abruptly when a girl with dark red hair passed. Her green eyes met his and he smiled, her returning smile was fleeting but made his heart stutter pleasantly in his chest. His hand went automatically to his hair and Sirius watched as he frowned and let it drop to his side, Lily paused. The compartment door slid open and she smiled around at everyone, Sirius gazed at her as if she had grown two heads.

"Hi, can I join you? My friends are busy..." Her eyes met James's and his smile widened happily, he moved over, shoving Pete to the floor and patted the seat beside him.

"You are more than welcome to sit with us, dear Lady."

Sirius rolled his eyes, knowing James was going to be insufferable after this. "So, Evans, what made you change your mind about sitting with the cool kids?" He said with a smile.

Lily's eyes narrowed slightly, she looked him up and down, seeing faded bruises on his exposed arms and what looked like scratch marks across his pale skin. "There's no room anywhere else, Black...and I would hardly call you my first choice of people I would spend time with."

"So cruel." Sirius replied with a sigh. "Anyone would think you don't appreciate the hard work that goes into making ourselves Kings of the School."

She snorted derisively, rolling her eyes. "From the rumours that are flying around, I wouldn't call you king of anything...unless you call being a slut an achievement."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, it disappeared into his fringe. His grey eyes glinted like steel daggers. "Oh? A feisty one I see...my favourite kind..." His voice was low, like a growl.

James shot him a glare, "Ignore him, you're more than welcome to sit with us." He said, trying to charm her back into a good mood so she wouldn't leave.

Lily did smile, her eyes lingering on the wounds that she realised were more than likely sexual. The girls who she had spoken to all said that Sirius was rougher than normal, and she decided that he had obviously found someone who shared his taste for violence. Her eyes moved to Remus, he looked Ill again and she sighed feeling pity well up within her, he looked completely at peace as he slept slumped against the window, a cloak over his shoulders and a small smile on his lips. Sirius moved, his hands lifting the blanket further up onto Remus's shoulders, fingers lingering on his cheek before he drew away with a softness in his eyes that Lily had never thought she would see on that aristocratic face. Remus shifted and murmured in his sleep, a name slipped past his lips and Sirius smiled. James only had eyes for Lily, he watched her watch Remus and a sudden, awful fear rose within him...did she like Remus? Was she...in love with Remus? He pushed away the panic those thoughts threw up, he didn't want to ruin this moment because, as the stormy light flooded their small compartment and hit her face, he realised he was looking at an angel.

Peter sat beside Sirius feeling decidedly uncomfortable, he saw James watching Lily as he spoke softly, trying to make her laugh. Sirius lounged in his seat, his eyes darting to Remus who remained asleep. He felt awkward, as if he was intruding on a double date and he hated it. He hated feeling left out of everything, the fact that James was so obviously in love with Lily Evans was no secret, he made a great show of it whenever he could, announcing it from the roof tops...but he still felt jealous, because James was one of the few people who treated him kindly. Sirius was cruel, laughing at his misfortune, but then...Sirius laughed at everyone's misfortune so he really didn't think he was different in that sense. Remus was kind, but he seemed far away as well, so only James seemed to pay him much attention...and now that attention was being pulled away by the red head sat opposite. He liked the reflected glory he gained from hanging around with James and Sirius, he basked in it, because when he was with them he was someone. People actually liked the pair, they were closer than brothers, almost, it seemed, they were supposed to be the same person just put into two different bodies. He had been given a nickname and even though he hated it, he also liked it, it made him part of something. But still, the jealousy he felt as he watched James talking to Evans and Sirius gazing longingly at Remus was horrible and he sank low into his seat, glaring at Lily until she turned to him and then he would smile.
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