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You Will Not Kiss Me	By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: JK Rowling & her associates own the Harry Potter universe and I make no money from my stories.

Chapter List
- 103
- 104
- 105
A/N: Sorry for the delay - my trusty laptop died (with all my chapters on it!). Luckily, they could be rescued. Those who were worried about the delay, thank you for missing the story.

Chapter 104: The Truth

Snape and Lupin seemed frozen in that moment, so near to each other; the only sound each heard was the other man's breathing, hyper-aware of the other in his space.

It was Lupin who eventually broke the spell when he closed his eyes and rubbed his nose slowly against Snape's, a barely audible sigh escaping him at the touch. Then the hand that brushed Snape's face moved down and slowly enveloped the Bonding Circlet on Snape's arm.

"Come," Lupin said. "Let's talk somewhere private." He gestured to all the portraits, who were gawking at them in open fascination. He pushed himself away from the wall and grasped Snape's wrist, leading him to the ante-room where years ago (it felt like a thousand), the three men had convened to plan the unravelling of a Thrall.

Lupin pressed Snape to sit on the bench by the large table and then sat astride it himself, a couple of feet away from Snape, but facing him. Lupin looked as ragged and ill as after any bad full moon.

Snape cast a charm so the portraits couldn't hear and then just looked at Lupin, wanting to touch him again but not daring to – not when the air felt so charged with the suppressed emotions of both men. It was Lupin who broke the stifling silence.

"I knew it," said Lupin, quietly. "You could not have murdered him! I knew it!" Lupin said, his voice choking with emotion. Snape hadn't known how this conversation would begin, but he had not expected this.

"But I did kill him, Remus," Snape whispered, uncomprehending.

"No." Lupin shook his head, and Snape noticed how long Lupin's hair had grown since they had last been together. "Albus told me what he asked you to do – about the fatal Dark curse – about Draco. What he made you vow to do." Lupin voice was thick with emotion, and he extended his hands and picked up Snape's own. "Oh Severus, I thought my heart would break when Harry told me! I knew there had to be more." He leant forward, his eyes searching Snape's.

"The Bond didn't break! If you had murdered Albus, our Bond would be broken. It's intact – still true - so I knew," Lupin almost sobbed as he reached out and wrapped his hand around Snape's upper left arm tightly, around the Circlet again, feeling it still embedded in Snape's arm, seeming to draw reassurance from the feel. These touches – missing for so many months – made Snape's breath hitch.

"Then, when you cursed George Weasley and I was sure you aimed for me! ... Still unbroken! I thought I would go mad! I tried to find you! Tried to speak to you. Sometimes, I wanted to hunt you down for betraying me - but the Bond said otherwise. It was breaking me! I had to know!" Lupin sighed heavily, a sigh of frustration and unhappiness mixed. Snape tried to speak, to tell him how he had tried to protect him from Yaxley but Lupin held up a hand in silence: he needed to speak – just to get his thoughts out.

"And then - the Bonded wand," Lupin whispered as he frowned. "The Bonded wand brought it back to me. I knew. Angry and hurt as I was, I knew it couldn't be right. The Bond." He squeezed Snape's upper arm again. "It didn't break. Still you are true."

"Brought it back to you? What do you mean?" asked Snape, so many questions of his own forming but being forgotten with the next.

Lupin sat back, dragged his palm over his face and raked his hair.

"So much ... I couldn't remember. I didn't understand ... until the Bonded wand." Lupin exhaled heavily, and Snape could see he was still struggling. But then Lupin leant forward again, drawing a little nearer and replaced a gentle hand on Snape's own, which felt like flame to Snape. "I had to come to find out the truth - I knew Albus's portrait would be awake. Tippy found me and brought me here."

"Would you have hurt me if you'd found me first?" asked Snape, fearfully, the question of how Lupin entered the school grounds forgotten as quickly as it occurred. Lupin shook his head.

"No. After we fought, I knew. Through our Bond, I knew. Through my Claim, I knew. But everyone else knew otherwise." Lupin looked down at their interlaced fingers. "Alastor told me I'd been fooled by the best – if you could fool Dumbledore, why should I know better? Bill – well, Bill said very little critical – you know Bill – he just tried to make me see 'reason' – how could you be true after what you'd done: leaving me - killing Albus - chasing me down? They thought I was deluding myself."

The pain of Snape's perceived perfidy by the only two people who knew their secret was etched into Lupin's features, and Snape's throat felt full even just watching how pained Lupin appeared to be. He had never meant to hurt Lupin – but he clearly had, and that knowledge mingled with his own pain to make it so much more bitter. Lupin inhaled deeply and continued.

"But after we duelled – after we ... I nearly ... oh Merlin!" Lupin's voice disappeared to a whisper as he closed his eyes, and Snape knew he was recalling how he had started to squeeze the life from Snape, and how Snape had held his wrists to allow him to do it. It would haunt Snape's nightmares – surely it would haunt Lupin's – if he still loved Snape.

And that was the question.

"It was too much," Lupin said, "what Dumbledore asked of you."

"Yes, it was too much, but I did it." Snape took a deep breath. "And it cleaved my soul," he whispered and Lupin wrapped Snape's hands tightly in his own.

"Tell me first, Severus – tell me how Albus came to extract such a vow from you. I need to understand. I need to understand from you."

Snape felt his hair stand on end. Here it was – he had said he would tell Lupin everything, and everything included his most shameful secrets. He breathed in deeply and searched the tired (but to him, so beautiful) eyes that regarded him so openly, and thought a small prayer for aid to Merlin.

"You know that I became a Death Eater as soon as I was old enough to take the Dark Mark," Snape said, almost an introduction, hoping the words would come to him. "I was not in the inner circle – after all, I was only just an adult. The Dark Lord thought I had potential and I was certainly keen to learn," Snape laughed ruefully, "but I knew I would have to prove myself." Lupin closed his eyes in acknowledgement; he had heard this part before, but he didn't interrupt, letting Snape find the flow.

"I did all I could to advance myself within his ranks – it was what I had desired – what I coveted more than anything else. After a couple of years, the Dark Lord ordered me to attempt to secure a teaching position at Hogwarts to spy on Albus." Lupin's eyebrows shot up. Snape nodded. "Yes, and I went to The Hog's Head where Albus was interviewing a number of candidates. One of them ..." Snape suddenly found his breath caught in his throat at the admission he was about to make. He swallowed hard. "One of them was Sybil Trelawney."

Lupin screwed his eyes shut, making Snape wonder if perhaps Lupin already knew ... but how could he?

"I thought it would be a good opportunity to prove to the Dark Lord how useful I could be as a spy, so I listened at the door. Aberforth caught me, made it known to Albus that I'd been eavesdropping – so I knew I had no hope of gaining any position. The Dark Lord would be angry at my failure, but I'd heard part of a prophecy Sybil made concerning him."

His recollection was punctuated by a small moan of misery from Lupin. Snape knew then that Lupin understood which prophecy Snape had heard, and understood that his friends – their deaths – Black's incarceration – all stemmed from the Dark Lord's knowledge of the Prophecy – all laid at the feet of Severus Snape. Lupin didn't say it but the desolation in his blue eyes spoke of it eloquently. It cut Snape to see it, but he ploughed on. He would tell Lupin everything – and then take the consequences.

"I passed on the Prophecy, but I had no idea ... you have to believe me ... no idea that the Dark Lord would take it seriously. But he did. He flew into such a rage and ordered us to find out who the Prophecy referred to. It didn't take long for them to discover the babies born at the end of July. Of course, I already knew one. Of course I did," Snape said, almost to himself.

"He said there and then he would kill them all! You have no idea what I felt then. I had just wanted to show I could gather information – I had not thought for one minute he would believe it."

"Are you telling me you regretted Voldemort targeting James?" Lupin asked, his tone quiet but incredulous. "You hated James."

"James?" repeated Snape, blinking. "Potter? Of course not Potter." Snape peered into Lupin's face. "Do you really not remember Lily and me at all? That we were friends? Best friends?"

"You called her Mudblood ..." but Lupin's voice trailed away on the hated word and his eyes unfocused, as if trying to remember. There was no reason why he should; Snape had tried hard to hide their friendship from all – Slytherin and Gryffindor alike. Lupin took his hand from Snape's to cradle his own head, as if he had a headache. Snape noticed he kept doing this. Sooner or later, Snape would have to address the Memory Charm. Then Lupin spoke again.

"The night Albus died, Harry told us all that it was you who had told Voldemort about the Prophecy and that you had regretted it so much so you'd turned to Albus for assistance – and that was the reason Albus trusted you. I said then I didn't believe it because you hated James. Then when Harry said you'd called Lily a Mudblood, I kept turning that over in my mind. I remembered it, but something kept nagging at me." Lupin tapped his temple, as nausea crept over Snape. The boy had seen the incident at the Lake in the Pensieve – thought he knew what Snape had thought of Lily. How very little that boy could ever know.

"Then I remembered how Lily stood up for you with James and Sirius. How she always stood up for you before then. I tried to remember back to our early school days before ... before that day at the Lake. I couldn't remember much early on – I was so terrified of being discovered, you see?" Lupin looked apologetically at Snape, as if being a terrified eleven year old with a murderous secret was in some way a weakness. "But I remembered you always partnered Lily at potions right up to OWLs, I remembered that. And I think I recollect you and she meeting up in our early years. It was so long ago. Tell me everything."

Snape did – over the following hours, he told Lupin everything, from his and Lily's very first awkward meeting when Snape had witnessed Lily's accidental magic because they lived near each other, to how they had spent time after school and at weekends with each other: special friends with magic. Then he told Lupin about the first journey on the Hogwarts Express – how chance remarks had made three boys life-time enemies – his distress at Lily's Sorting (although why did he ever think a Muggle-born would be Sorted into Slytherin?).

He told Lupin about the deserted classroom he and Lily used to meet so their friends (his housemates, if truth be told) would not know of their friendship. He told Lupin the most painful parts: how Lily and he began to fall out more and more over his Housemates' behaviour and his burgeoning interest in the Dark Arts, and over certain of her Housemates' bullying of him. Of course, he had never fully told her how bad things were for him in his own House or that he was so interested in the Dark Arts because he believed they could empower him - free him – make him a man of whom Lily could be proud. All the time, Snape wanted to keep her close, but his almost obsessive need for her and fear of another usurping him and his constantly hurt pride when she stepped in to defend him strained their relationship to breaking point.

"The day at the Black Lake," murmured Lupin, his expression soft with understanding.

Snape closed his eyes, finally telling Lupin these truths would be the point of no return. His heart beat wildly with growing panic. He thought he should Occlude – it would help him organise his thoughts. But then, he had spent so long keeping his barriers down for Lupin – now was not the time to build them again – not unless he had to.

He breathed in deeply and then let his eyes meet Lupin's, as frank and candid as he could be.

"Yes. It was the final straw for Lily. I tried ... I tried so hard to apologise. I always lashed out." He snorted sadly. "You know that." Lupin gave him a small sad smile. "Dear Merlin – I didn't mean it! But she thought I'd finally let my true feelings show. I don't deny – I thought bringing wizards out of hiding was a noble aim. And I hated my ignorant, brutal, Muggle father and it was easy to equate all Muggles with him – even though I knew better. I wanted what your friends were so dismissive of – their pureblood lineage. I wanted respect." He stopped and then pushed himself to carry on. "I didn't want to be afraid anymore." The admissions seemed to suck the air from his lungs. "The Dark Arts could make me feared instead. You see, she always thought I used that class room because I was ashamed of her – I never told her it was because I feared for her ... and for myself." Snape's dark eyes glittered, his shame as bright as it ever was when he spoke of his past to Lupin, but knowing now this was leading to this one secret that would hurt Lupin so.

Snape stopped talking and looked at their joined hands, struggling to continue. Lupin seemed to understand, and waited, his thumbs stroking Snape's hands carefully. Snape's jaw worked as he steeled himself to continue.

"I don't deny I watched her growing closeness to Potter with horror. When they married after we left school, I was heartbroken. But I never stopped caring for Lily," he said. "She was ... so very special."

"Yes – she was," said Lupin softly. "And that's why you changed sides - because Voldemort was hunting Lily?"

Snape's black eyes pleaded with Lupin for understanding. "I had to keep her safe. I swear I had no idea he would take the Prophecy at face value. I never cared for Divination. It's an idiotic subject. I assumed the Dark Lord wouldn't either. I just wanted to prove I could get information."

It seemed that Lupin stared at Snape for the longest time, his expression closed, but then his eyes widened.

"The doe!" he exclaimed.

Snape nodded. "My Patronus changed when I swore to Albus to protect Lily's son. Believe me, I wasn't happy about it – bloody Potter's female!"

Lupin gave a small snort of sad laughter. "Unfortunately, we can't force the form of a Patronus but that itself is so very telling, Severus." Then his face became serious once again. "Another thing that Albus knew about you that I didn't," he said, almost to himself. "So the information from Albus's spy that James and Lilu were in danger – that was you?" Snape nodded. Lupin's gaze was intense. Snape wondered if Lupin's eyes had ever been such a turbulent blue. He looked down to their hands again, savouring the feel of even this contact, small, but so intimate.

"When did you give Albus your Vow?"

"When I told him the Dark Lord had taken the Prophecy seriously – he asked what I would give him to protect them."

"What? Why would he do that? James and Lily – and Alice and Frank for that matter – they were part of the Order! Why would he barter?" Lupin said, outraged.

"He was testing my allegiance – whether I was just trying to get the better deal from one or the other," answered Snape wearily. "I vowed to give him anything. My Vow was made that night: I was his man from that moment on. I was installed at Hogwarts. The Dark Lord was impressed that I had secured such a position of trust – he thought Albus was a fool. It was then that Albus began to counsel me away from the Dark Arts."

"And that Vow was why you stayed at Hogwarts after James and Lily died?"

"You know that Albus had vouched for me with the Wizengamot. Without him, I would have gone to Azkaban. Deservedly so. But Albus gave testimony that I had reformed and spied for the Order, and I was released under his charge. But yes, Albus suspected that the Dark Lord would return. He asked me to help keep Lily's boy safe from the Dark Lord. I was responsible, after all."

Lupin grimaced. "Partly, yes," he sighed. "But you did not force Voldemort to take it seriously and it was Voldemort who killed them; Peter who betrayed them to their deaths," said Lupin, bitterly. He shut his eyes again, and Snape stayed silent, watching Lupin clearly contemplating what Snape had just told him.

"Did he use this Vow when he asked you to kill him?" Lupin eventually asked, his voice rasping.

"At first. But in the end, he asked me because he knew, if it came to a showdown with Death Eaters, I would do it quickly, and he would die without suffering."

"You should have told me," murmured Lupin, his hold on Snape's hands tightening.

"I wanted to tell you what Albus had asked of me, but he was worried the plan might become known and his plans for me would be compromised. He placed me under a Fidelius ..."

The effect on Lupin was electric. His spine straightened and he glared in shock.

"That was Albus? Not Voldemort?" he hissed.

"It was Albus."

"Those times when you almost choked? It was Albus?"

Snape could see the revelation was sickening Lupin.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Lupin stood and began to pace. "I can't believe this! I could see how you suffered. I expected it of Voldemort. I never would ... I can't believe ..." Words failed Lupin as he stood still, one hand clutching his head again. He turned and looked at Snape again. "So when Albus died, that Fidelius was broken?"

Snape nodded. "But you were here that night. I had no chance to tell you myself – and I was put into hiding. I couldn't find a way to tell you. I wanted to! But, we'd been apart for so long by then ... I just didn't know how ..."

"No," said Lupin, his voice dangerous all of a sudden. "You can't gloss this part." Lupin's swung around, fixing Snape with a wolfish glare. "Why did you leave me? All that talk about being under cover – it was a lie, wasn't it?"

"Partly. I did spend far more time with the Dark Lord on Albus's orders, but ..." Snape found he didn't want to tell Lupin this – he knew he sounded so very weak. "After Bellatrix broke the Fidelius on our flat, Albus ordered me to leave you."

"And you agreed to that? Why would you agree to that?" Lupin barked, his hand in his hair again, as he paced.

"It is an ancient geas, Remus. As deep as an Unbreakable Vow."

"But why would he ask it?"

"Because he said I was too bound up in you – that our relationship could risk everything he had planned – my place with the Dark Lord ... everything."

Lupin stopped again, staring at Snape.

"And you agreed?"

"No. I argued. I begged. I pleaded. He held my Vow, Remus. How could I deny him? And I was so afraid for you at that time. You nearly died! Everything seemed to conspire against us."

Snape continued, keeping his voice modulated, soothing Lupin with its even tone even as he told Lupin about how Bellatrix had had him followed, and the lies that Snape had told after she had broken the Fidelius. "To ensure she didn't endanger any other of my missions, the Dark Lord placed a Tracing Jinx on me so he would know where I was ..."

"Would a Tracing Jinx follow you under a Fidelius?" interrupted Lupin, horrified.

"It can't show the Dark Lord my actual location – but it would show him I was in a protected space. So if I stayed the night with you in a new flat with a new Fidelius -"

"- he would know," Lupin finished, aghast.

"Yes. He would know and Bellatrix's suspicions would be confirmed. I asked Albus to remove it, but he refused." Lupin didn't even try to hide his shock at Dumbledore's refusal. "He said it would arouse too much suspicion."

"So that's why you asked me to stay in the castle with you - to avoid this Jinx?" sighed Lupin, miserably, and Snape could see Lupin was piecing things together slowly but surely – his mind still keen – the quick and lively mind that Snape loved so well. "And it's why you didn't come to the new flat?" Snape nodded.

"Once the new Fidelius had been worked without me, then Albus banned me from Order meetings, our separation was ensured."

"I am the Secret Keeper and I gave Dumbledore your invitation to the flat. Didn't he give it to you?"

"No," said Snape quietly. "He didn't pass it on. I still don't know where you live."

Lupin didn't say anything, but Snape could see the anger etched in his expression, the jumping nerve, the tight lips.

"Albus said it would affect my Occlumency if anything happened to you – and he called upon my oath to leave you. I had to do it to keep you safe."

"From Death Eaters?"

"Yes, but also from me if I broke my oath?

Lupin's eyes narrowed in calculation.

"If you broke the oath, you'd die?"

"It's a geas – a soul oath. My soul would be forfeit on my death." Snape moved closer, desperate for Lupin to understand. "Remus, I'd forfeit my soul in an instant for you, but your soul is Bonded to mine – don't you see? How could I risk your soul as well as your life? I was trapped – the Bond – trapped me into complying ..."

"No," said Lupin, shaking his head slowly, "the Bond is not a trap."

"Don't you see? Nothing has ever been so dear to me as you are."

"Then how could you push me away? How could you leave me?"

"To keep you alive. To keep you safe," cried Snape.

"This isn't safe. This isn't alive. This is hell for me, Severus."

"I had to keep you safe," Snape pleaded. Why couldn't Lupin see the dangers? He couldn't be responsible for the death of his loved one again; he just couldn't!

"How is either one of us safe? We are at war! I can't be safe, any more than you can." Now Lupin swept towards Snape and grasped his shoulders, his eyes full of longing – and of frustration.

"What would you do to keep me safe, Severus?" asked Lupin. "Place me under a Freezing Charm and lock me away to look at? Pickle me in aspic, perhaps?" He squeezed Snape's shoulders as a sad smile touched Lupin's mouth. "Don't you see? We have to take the risk or have nothing at all. I told you once before, Severus – I could drown in your eyes, and die happy. Why would I want to live without you? What's the point in that?"

"But your soul! If I see you ... your soul, Remus!" whispered Snape, urgently, his black eyes desperately pleading with Lupin to understand the risk.

"I do not believe that our souls would be forfeit for this! I don't. I won't. Our Bond was sanctified by magic, Severus. By deep magic. No! My soul, Severus. My choice! In this life, and onwards."

Lupin wrapped his hand around the Circlet on Snape's arm once more.

"Have you heard Muggle wedding vows, Severus?" Lupin asked, his voice hushed, and Snape noticed the flush rising up his cheeks and knew then Lupin and Tonks had had a Muggle wedding. He felt a sickly stab in his stomach, but now was not the time for that. Before he could reply, Lupin continued, "The vow is 'for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death us do part.' It is like the Claim – meant to last a lifetime." Lupin exhaled heavily.

"This," he held the Circlet around Snape's arm. "This is greater than that. Death cannot part us if we are faithful in our hearts and souls – nor damnation, Severus. I Bonded with you for a reason – because I won't be parted from you – not even by death!

"But damnation, Remus? I need to keep you safe."

"What about what I need?" Lupin grasped Snape's body to himself. It was not a tender grasp, but one that was desperate and angry. "I can't do this anymore."

"But Remus, if you are alive, I can be ..."

"Be what? Happy? Content? Of course you can't. And do you think I can be happy or content knowing you're in the world without me? It's not your decision to make on your own, Severus!"

"If I'd told you the truth, you would've left me anyway. This way ... this way, you would be safe and -"

Lupin stopped the sentence with his mouth, a greedy kiss, possessive and full of yearning, his tongue searching Snape's mouth and finding the hunger returned. The kiss was like a drug – it overpowered Snape and all his reticence dissipated and his fingers snaked into Lupin's hair, holding his head to deepen and lengthen the demands of the kiss.

"No," whispered Lupin into Snape's mouth as they pulled breathlessly apart. "You are mine, Severus, with everything that means – the first mate of a werewolf. Mine!" Lupin's hands grasped at Snape's back, every touch flaming through Snape, overwhelming him, making Snape just want to give in – give up – acquiesce ...

"I Bonded to you, my soul to yours. For all time. I will take whatever comes our way, Severus. But I will not be parted from you because being parted is not love."

"You doubt I love you?" said Snape, blinking as he came to his senses.

"I did. When I was in the pits of despair that you'd left me – when I tried to send dreams to you but you shut me out – when I thought you'd murdered Albus! When Harry told me you had told Voldemort of the Prophecy." Lupin gulped, and then sighed as he spoke more slowly, his voice cracking. "When I pined as I waited for the moon – as I waited for you and you never came – moon after moon – and you never came."

"I watched every moon," said Snape quietly, as tears stung the backs of his eyes at the picture of Lupin pining for him. How he wished he could have been with him. "I wanted to be with you so much."

Lupin nodded, and stroked Snape's cheekbones with his fingers.

"But for every time I doubted or pined, or raged ... or wept - our Bond told me you were true. I believe you love me, Severus, and I understand that you tried to protect me, but we have to live our lives! You have to be bold. Be -"

"- be brave? Daring?" Snape sighed, trying not to sound hurt that he was in some way a coward.

"Daring? Yes. Brave? Do you think for one minute I don't think you're brave? There's none braver. But forget your Slytherin cunning. Sometimes there isn't a way around something. Sometimes, you have to grab it – with both hands."

Lupin held Snape's face in his hands, but he didn't grab – the hold was gentle and full of love. For the first time in months, Snape felt his whole body thrill to Lupin's touch.

"Love is touching your skin, kissing your lips, making you laugh and drying your tears. Holding you and knowing it is the best place – the only place – for me to be where I am truly happy. Deferring love is not love, Severus. Not tomorrow, not after the war." He kissed Snape's lips lightly. "Today. Now."

Snape moaned, his whole body wanted to give in and forget what he still had to say, forget that Lupin had married Tonks, forget everything but the two of them ... but he couldn't forget that the Bond of which Lupin boasted could see the destruction of Lupin's soul.

"You would run the risk to your soul to be with me?"

Lupin nestled his head against Snape's shoulder and then Snape heard a small chuckle as Lupin raised his head, a small smile – a genuine smile – forming, lightening Lupin's weary features.

"But, Severus, what do we know overrides even a blood bond?" Lupin looked at Snape expectantly, like a tutor with his apt pupil, his eyes flicking to Snape's forearm where the Dark Mark was carved in his flesh.

Snape's eyes followed Lupin, his eyes widening. Could he be right? He looked at Lupin again, the ghost of a smile forming on Lupin's mouth broadening as he nodded at Snape's growing understanding.

"And why does it override it?" Lupin pressed on, Snape thinking inwardly exactly the next phrase Lupin said aloud: "Because deep magic recognises intention. Why should your soul be forfeit – and by extension, mine – because you fulfil your Bond with me? Being with me does not devalue your vow to Albus. It does not trespass on its parameters. I don't seek to take you away from your mission – but to assist you. Our Bond only makes us stronger. Together we are stronger. No, Severus. In this, Albus was wrong – he never had a love like ours to understand.

"We Bonded," said Lupin, bringing Snape closer. "Old earth magic accepted our Bond. I don't believe your Vow to Albus can force you to break our Bond. Just as magic couldn't break Albus's vow. This is deep magic, Severus."

For the first time in months, Snape's heart leapt in hope. Could it be that he was right? And, if Lupin was prepared to forgive him, did they stand a chance?

"If you're wrong, Remus! I couldn't bear anything to happen to you ..."

"Courage, Severus! Sometimes, you must just dare. You must be brazen! I will risk it. Will you?"

"I would risk everything," murmured Snape, overwhelmed by Lupin's closeness, his attention swapping from Lupin's eyes to his lips. "But you must hear everything ... I need you to know now."

It was best to tell Lupin everything. Confess it all now. Better rejection now than forgiveness bestowed and then withdrawn. That would be too cruel.

They faced each other and Snape set out the litany of death and torture he had witnessed over the months they had been apart: the death of the Paige children; Legilimising so many others but anaesthetising their pain where he could; passing on information to Dumbledore, but seemingly unable to save so very many; the coerced murder by Alfred Markham of his own Muggle mistress, and then Markham's own death at the hands of the Dark Lord; and – of course - Charity.

Snape watched Lupin's face blanch as the tally of the tortured and the dead grew ever longer. With the last name, he saw tears shine in Lupin's eyes.

Still, Snape left out nothing. He told Lupin how he had kept the threat to the Light werewolf packs secret from him to prevent Lupin being sent away or offering to go.

Lupin began to speak but Snape held his hand up gently to Lupin's lips.

"I must finish ... all of it. Then you'll know the whole truth."

He told Lupin how he had almost forgotten his own Vow in his grief as Potter had taunted him as a coward as he fled from Hogwarts – how he had nearly killed the boy himself and was only stopped by the attack of a hippogriff. Each confession seemed to weigh Lupin down further, his distress easily read on his open features.

Snape stopped, his final confession weighing so heavily and yet he didn't know how to address it. It was Lupin who provided the opportunity.

"If you had told me, we could have found a way to be together," Lupin said. "I could have helped you to bear these things. I would have helped you carry the weight."

Snape was silent for a long time as he held Lupin's hands, summoning his courage to himself.

"Albus knew one more thing ... there is one more secret. It is ... it is the very worst of me, Remus."

"Tell me then," Lupin whispered, his blue eyes filled with trepidation.

"Back when I first realised what the Prophecy meant, I begged the Dark Lord for Lily's life to be spared."

Lupin looked none the wiser. Snape didn't want to spell out his infamy, but the time was now.

He closed his eyes slowly – he didn't think he could look at Lupin when he told him this.

"Only Lily's life."

Snape heard the sharp intake of breath, and opened his eyes once more. He had to face this.

"He could take your friend – and your friend's son – I did not care – as long as Lily was safe, you see."

The air in the ante-room suddenly pressed in on Snape.

"That is what Albus knew," Snape finished weakly.

Lupin's jaw worked and his head dropped into his hands and Snape desperately wished he knew what Lupin was thinking.

Lupin looked up, and oh! his eyes were so inexpressibly weary and sad. Snape wondered if Lupin was questioning how he had ever thought Snape worthy as a mate – or fitting as a parent.

"Do you think Lily would have let you near her if her family had died?" asked Lupin, incredulously.

"Oh, that was the craven wretch I was, Remus! But not any more! You think I don't know that now? You think I wasn't sick to my stomach when I heard the same admission from Pettigrew about you?" Snape wanted to reach out to Lupin in shame and desperation, but he did not dare. "Please believe me I didn't seek to trap her or coerce her!"

Snape saw a flash of anguish light up Lupin's face – he thought he understood it and tried to reassure Lupin. "But saving her was all I could think of. My morality was wrong! I know that now. I just wanted to save her. I thought of nothing else! I know it was wrong – and every day I try to make amends."

Snape slumped, exhausted and miserable, on the bench next to Lupin, who stared at him, a hard, penetrative stare.

"Every day," repeated Lupin. "And Albus used this to keep us apart?"

"Yes. I said I would tell you – explain it to you. He told me you would never forgive me for it." Lupin covered his face with his hands, his whole body wracked with a groan. "And I suppose you can't," added Snape, his misery complete.

Snape stood suddenly and walked to the window and looked out over the grounds. The sun was setting. So much time had gone, and he and Lupin had barely noticed the day passing. The instruments around the ante-room ticked and whirred, some even chimed the passing time. Snape waited, the sanctity of his soul balanced on the edge of a knife.

"Every day," repeated Lupin, breaking the silence. Snape turned back from the window, his expression quizzical.

"Every day you try to atone. This thing ... and Severus, it is an appalling thing for me to hear. You have confessed horrors to me before: death, torture, poison – shocking things. But I knew ... I could see ... I could feel your remorse. I knew it was real. This ... this is not worse than what you've told me before," said Lupin, and then he sighed. "It is just so much worse for me to hear. Do you understand?"

Snape nodded, mutely. Of course he did. How could he not?

Lupin stood and walked to Snape, this time looping his arm around his waist and pulling him close. To Snape's shock, Lupin pressed a small kiss to Snape's lips and looked at him once more, his expression still sad.

"Albus trusted you. He believed in you and yet he used this terrible thing to keep us apart. Why?"

"To keep you safe ..."

"Rubbish! He never kept me safe! Or you for that matter! He never spared either of us if he required service from us." Lupin's expression softened. "It's you who wants to keep me safe."

"Yes."

"He had no right."

"He had my vow. He had the right."

"It was our decision – our choice – together - not his! My choice whether I forgive ..."

"And do you? Can you? Can you forgive me?"

Snape took a step back, as if waiting for the blow, a chill running over him.

Lupin looked at him, the blue eyes so full of hurt, the lines around them deeper as his face had been contorted in pain these past months. Perhaps it had.

Snape wanted to hold him and ease that pain, but he feared Lupin's answer – feared the rejection of his lies, his falseness, his duplicity.

"You should have told me."

"I was afraid."

"Of me?"

"Of your rejection of me."

"After all we'd been through, you still didn't trust me?" murmured Lupin, a note of incredulity returning to his already broken voice.

"I knew it was so very shameful. I knew I didn't deserve you. If you knew this then you would know what a poor choice you had made."

"So you kept silent."

"Yes."

"And Albus blackmailed you."

"Let's say, he secured my compliance."

Lupin tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace. "That's what happens with secrets," said Lupin. "I should know."

Then he sat on the bench and gestured to Snape to sit once more, next to him. Snape took the seat once more.

Snape fell silent. His throat suddenly raw with all the talking he had done. Why had he not thought to summon some drink for them? He Summoned Dumbledore's brandy from the drinks cabinet in the corner and some glasses. First, he cast Augamenti as he was parched. He wondered if Lupin noticed the small tremor in his hand as he held the glass and drank the water greedily as Lupin downed the brandy, drawing in a breath over his teeth at the kick in the drink.

Of course, Lupin did notice. When Snape put down the glass, Lupin gently curled his fingers around Snape's – a gesture so mild that Snape felt his nervousness increase.

"Before, when you told me about Voldemort's excesses, it was as they happened. Now, it seems so huge ... so very many ..."

He'll reject me now, Snape thought hopelessly. He raised his eyes to meet Lupin's sure he would see disgust there. But he saw that blue of warmth and love.

"I don't know how you've managed – all alone. Albus had no right to part us when you need me so."

Snape's breath stopped, as he stared at those loving blue eyes. Was he forgiven? Could it possibly be?

Lupin held out his palms to Snape, and Snape took Lupin's hands in his own and held them to his chest and closed his eyes.

"You have always forgiven me, even when I have been undeserving."

"You are never undeserving, Severus. All that you do – so unstintingly – how can you believe are undeserving?"

"These things – the Prophecy, my trying to save Lily - they are so personal to you, I didn't believe you could forgive me."

"Perhaps – had I not known what you put yourself through – what you have done for all these years, perhaps, I might not have been able to. But I know your heart, Severus. And my soul is Bonded to yours. You hold my soul, Severus – and I don't believe there is anyone more worthy."

Lupin kissed Snape's forehead lightly and then pressed his face into Snape's hands, that gesture he used to show his devotion. It always warmed Snape so greatly. He kissed Snape's hands and then regarded him once more.

"You have my forgiveness, Severus – but will you give me yours freely too?" Lupin asked Snape. Snape shivered involuntarily. He realised what must follow now.

"For your marriage to her?" asked Snape, trying desperately to keep his revulsion from his voice for this abominable thing. He had tried so desperately to avoid it so he could make Lupin understand what he had done without those recriminations, but now he had to face it.

Lupin closed his eyes as if stung, and nodded.

"You've told me your worst. Now you must hear mine." Lupin's voice was as dry as dust.

"Dora's pregnant, Severus – and she carries a werewolf."

Next chapter: A Werewolf's Tale

A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews. They are always so very much appreciated.
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