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You Will Not Kiss Me	By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: JK Rowling & her associates own the Harry Potter universe and I make no money from my stories.

Chapter List
- 104
- 105
- 106
Chapter 105: The Werewolf's Tale

It felt as if ice coursed through Snape's veins, down his face, throughout his body to the very tips of his fingers and toes.

"Yours?" Snape rasped. "It's yours?"

Still clasping Snape's hands, Lupin nodded slowly, miserable and guilt-ridden.

The coldness melted as white-hot anger built in Snape's chest.

Snape snatched his hands away from Lupin's, and stood quickly, turning his back on him, his breathing harsh and fast. Of course, he knew – he knew they must have had sex if they were married but this … this …

"Severus ..."

"Shut up!" Snape spat viciously. "Don't say anything to me. You let me ramble on ... oh, how you must have enjoyed my guilt – revelled in it. How you must feel exonerated," he sneered, as his mind turned over in turmoil. "How can I ever reproach you now? But I do, Remus! I fucking do!"

"No Severus, please!" he heard Lupin cry, but all he could think was that Lupin had made Tonks pregnant.

Pregnant!

But he and Lupin had had plans. Dreams! Snape had had dreams. He had agreed to lie down for this man - to have his physiology altered by a Dark curse - just so they could have a child together.

He had agreed to sacrifice his reputation as a man to carry their child! Their family. Something of their very own. That was how much he loved Lupin.

And now this! This was how he was repaid.

Snape's mind flooded with rage – with jealousy – with shame – with hurt – all his relief at Lupin's forgiveness consumed.

How could Lupin have done this? How could he have cast their dream aside? And for what? Had it been revenge? How quickly had he impregnated her? How long had it been going on? No. No. No. The Bond would have broken if it was before their wedding. No!

Was it just easier with Tonks? He supposed it was natural! Natural! It disgusted Snape. He hadn't felt such a surge of impending violence within himself for years – not since - not since that map back in their first year together.

Snape's wand might be Bonded, but his fists weren't! And at this moment, he wanted nothing more than to strike Lupin – hurt him as he himself was hurting.

He wanted to make Lupin bleed.

He could hear Lupin saying his name, but the blood rushing in his ears was louder as humiliation burned through him.

His fists clenched and unclenched and he screwed his eyes shut as he fought to quell the violent rage threatening to explode and drown them both in an orgy of violence.

He let out an anguished cry of denial as he raised his own fists and beat them against the wall, over and over again. He was not that man any more. He was not his father!

"No!" he cried out again, only to find himself restrained as Lupin wrapped his arms over Snape's from behind him, saying his name.

"Please, Severus. Please hear me. I beg you." He felt a desperate kiss to the side of his head. He wanted to lean into it, but it enraged him too.

I am not that man! I am not that man! he told himself over and over, even as the sickness of hurt and betrayal thickened with each passing minute as he bent over the arms that held him, his emotional agony made manifest.

"How could you? Of all things? How could you?" he yelled, twisting in Lupin's arms trying to break free, but Lupin held him fast, his large hands pressing Snape's thrashing hands to his body, stronger than Snape, even in Snape's rage as he howled and thrashed until his legs gave out and both of them fell to the floor, kneeling.

Lupin still didn't release him, still whispering his name over and over again, as Snape tried to wrench himself free, over and over, until he began to tire and his twists became fewer and more half-hearted until, eventually, he stopped, his head bowed, his face hidden by his hair.

Snape's rage was spent, but his humiliation burned brightly, his mind's eye picturing the two of the together – planning the child – so easy for a spontaneous pregnancy for them, not like the purposeful ritual he and Lupin would have had to have undertaken. It burned inside him, eating him like acid.

"Your wolf must be delighted at your natural choice!" he spat viciously as he knelt, restrained and exhausted, but knowing he still had a certain way to make Lupin bleed.

"Severus, don't!" Lupin hissed. "Please hear me out. I didn't want it. I promise you, I didn't."

"Liar!"

"I swear to you, Severus. It was always supposed to be you and me. Just you and me. That's all I ever wanted."

Lupin released Snape's hands carefully then placed his arms around Snape's shoulders loosely, cradling him, rocking him very slightly, his hands gently squeezing him.

Snape struggled to catch his breath and took gasp of air as he looked around himself, trying to calm – wanting to listen, and then flinching when he thought of her with her gaudy pink hair, and bile rose in his throat again.

"Let me go," he said, his tone deadly.

"Severus ..."

Snape's back stiffened, but he did not answer. Very slowly, Lupin took his arms away and then he stood and backed away.

Snape inhaled, his eyes narrowed and he too got to his feet and spun to face Lupin. His anger and humiliation had set like a rock in his chest now.

"Shape shifters together, how domestic of you," he said unkindly as he struggled to recover his equilibrium.

"Stop it, Severus."

"Stop what? Reminding you that you are with the shape shifter now, happily married, expecting a happy event," Snape said, his lip curling, feigning disdain he did not feel, trying desperately to cover his own mortification.

"She has a name, Severus, and, no, I am not with her," Lupin said, feigning mildness he clearly did not feel, still not moving, watching Snape as if he were a dangerous animal.

"She is the cub's mother," he sneered, knowing exactly how to wound Lupin.

"Damn you, Severus!" Lupin suddenly barked. "You sent me to her. I marked her as we agreed. I have not Claimed her. I could not ..."

"Do you not bite her then at the full moon?" asked Snape nastily. Lupin flinched slightly.

"I haven't Claimed her fully, no," Lupin replied quietly, a flush of shame travelling up his neck again. Snape knew he was piercing Lupin's own insecurity, but at that moment, it was all he wanted to do.

"You married her, Remus! Did you do that accidentally? Hmm?" Snape advanced, his eyes narrowed, his sneer in place – wanting to lash out - sting Lupin as he was stung.

"It wasn't like that, Severus. Please."

"I won't listen to your excuses, you liar! How many times did you fuck her to make sure you could breed the child you always wanted? Are you trying to tell me you hated it? You're a man, aren't you? You like fucking women as well as men."

"Stop it, Severus. Stop it, please," Lupin pleaded, tears welling in his eyes.

"Stop it? You dare tell me to stop it!" shouted Snape, as his hand found one of the small devices on a table nearby. His hand curled around it and he threw it at Lupin's head, snarling.

Lupin caught it easily, his eyes igniting with anger as well as pain. And just as Lupin was about to throw it back at Snape's head, he twisted his body so the missile flew past Snape harmlessly, breaking apart on impact, and Lupin slumped against the wall.

"You put me to her like ... like an animal, Severus! Like a dog!" Lupin shouted and his strained voice broke. "And the only way to keep you safe was to stay with her at the moon. Do you think I am so shallow that I'd bind a woman I don't love to me for a lifetime? Do you think so very little of me?"

Lupin glared at Snape. "How dare you demand forgiveness from me for leaving me like that – and not share the consequences!"

Lupin's head fell back and he screwed his eyes shut.

"How is it that those who say they love me treat me like an animal to be done with as they please?" Lupin asked, his voice choked. "I didn't want you to leave me! I didn't ask you to palm me off onto Dora! I didn't ask to be drugged or Obliviated! I didn't want to marry her and I certainly didn't want a child with her! It seems to me that my spouses have no respect for what I want at all!" A sob broke Lupin's voice. "Perhaps, if one is a beast, one has no right to choose! Is that what it is, Severus? You? Dora? Real human beings taking control of my life because I'm just a beast?"

Snape stood in stunned silence at the accusations. He could hardly deny he had handed Lupin's safe-keeping to Tonks when he handed her the balms – but not 'palmed him off' – never! Lupin wasn't an animal to be handed off. But as he looked at the man before him, he could see why it would look that way. And what did the other things Lupin said mean? Snape knew there was a Memory Charm – he'd felt it. Had there been Potions too?

Suddenly, the raw anguish Snape had felt at the news of the pregnancy was subsumed in anger and protectiveness of his own beloved husband – and he would find out what had happened.

Then, Lupin's tenuous hold on his own composure crumbled and he slid down the wall, his hands pulling at his own hair and sobbing. Snape didn't doubt for one minute that Lupin's distress was real and, with all his vengefulness and spite drained away, he himself felt unsteady and unsure.

Snape approached Lupin softly and reached out one hand to touch Lupin tentatively. It was all that was needed. Lupin looked into Snape's face, his blue eyes wretched, and Snape knelt before him and grabbed Lupin to himself.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I'm so sorry," said Snape as Lupin buried his head in Snape's shoulder, clutching Snape to himself. "I didn't understand."

"I didn't want it, I swear. Not the wedding ... and certainly not ... oh God! A werewolf, Severus. The child will be a werewolf. You know I never would ... never ..." Lupin sobbed, his voice muffled by Snape's robes.

"You can't know ..." Snape crooned, now stroking Lupin's hair to calm him.

"Yes. Yes, I can. I do. I could smell it – at the last full moon. I smelt Dora was pregnant – and I could smell the wolf. It had changed inside her, even that early. She became sick and stayed sick throughout the night."

No! Snape remembered with startling clarity how sick he had felt during the night of the last full moon. He hadn't understood what it was – he had thought it was the third person in the Claim. But how would he feel that – why should he ...?

Suddenly, he remembered Alphard's letters talking of the connection between Alphard, Idris and Angharad. Surely not! Had that happened to them now? Merlin! He hoped not. He didn't want to share Lupin – form some kind of pack with her. His mind revolted at the thought. He damn well wouldn't, but it could well be that they were now connected and that, he had to address.

Snape rocked Lupin gently, murmuring reassurances to him, even as his mind raced to calculate what this could mean for himself – for Lupin – even for her. Gradually, Lupin calmed and turned his tear stained face to Snape.

"Severus ..."

"Come now," murmured Snape, and he helped Lupin to his feet. "Let's go to my quarters. You can rest there and we'll talk. You tell me everything, and I promise I'll listen." He kissed Lupin lightly. "I promise I will."

oooOOOooo

They took the Floo to Snape's quarters, and Snape helped Lupin to the settee. Lupin seemed to buckle into it. He not only looked weary and older, but thinner than before.

And he could certainly do with a bath, Snape thought as he wondered where Lupin had been, how long it had been since he'd eaten. He cursed himself inwardly for his inattention.

"Tippy!"

The house-elf appeared and gasped at the sight of both of them sitting on the settee and clasped her hands in delight.

"Professor Snape and Master Lupin! So good it is to see you together!" She bowed lowed and then looked up, still smiling, although Snape saw her look a little more closely at Lupin.

"Hello again Tippy," Lupin sighed. "It's good to see you."

"Master Lupin!" She smiled broadly and then turned to Snape. "Shall Tippy bring a late supper, sir?" She looked at Lupin meaningfully. "Something hearty?"

"Yes, Tippy. Something hearty. Things you know Master Lupin enjoys."

"Including pudding?" she asked, with a hopeful bob of her head.

"Definitely pudding," said Snape. Lupin exhaled a soft laugh as Tippy bowed again and Disapparated.

"How long has it been since you last ate?" asked Snape as he leant over Lupin, looking at him properly for the first time as he raised his wand to cast diagnostic spells.

"It's all a bit of blur, Severus. I think a couple of days. I left Harry the day before yesterday and ..."

"Potter? What the hell were you doing with Potter?" Snape said, more sharply than he intended. If Snape thought Lupin couldn't look more wretched, he was wrong. "No, don't tell me now," Snape quickly relented as he continued to cast. "Perhaps tomorrow."

His spells showed him there had been Amortentia, but not recently, and far too much Dreamless Sleep. He already knew of the Memory Charm, but his diagnostic spells confirmed it. Quelling his anger, Snape placed his wand carefully on the side table and stroked Lupin's hair from his eyes.

"We'll eat first. Then, Remus, will you let me deal with the Memory Charm? It's broken, but not fully so it can't heal."

Lupin held Snape's wrist gently, a tiny smile forming.

"I trust you, Severus." Lupin's trembling hand reached out and placed Snape's wand back in his hand. "Do it now so I'm free of it."

Snape felt his throat constrict to hear Lupin voice his trust after how vicious Snape had just been, reminding him of Lupin's trust after the Mind Break. He felt a stab of mortification, but suppressed it. Snape smiled back and cast.

Ah! Lupin's mind, usually pacific and welcoming, was a morass of anguish and guilt, confusion and pain.

Snape travelled to the site of the Charm. It was like a knot – a tangle – the threads of which pulled at all manner of memories and emotions. Some of it had unravelled, broken when they had duelled over Moody's body. But enough of it remained to distort Lupin's memories and feelings, making him uncertain and labile.

The Dark Lord would break or tear open a Memory Charm, and he always used utmost violence when he wanted the truth hidden within the Charm. It was part of his enjoyment. Dumbledore, however, used skill and subtlety to unravel a Memory Charm. He did not cut or slice or shatter. Snape had learnt to do both from each of his masters, but it was Dumbledore's powerful healing castings that Snape now used, working patiently and gently, unworking the tangle strand by strand, releasing the mental stranglehold of the poorly cast Obliviation.

Snape knew that Aurors used Obliviation. Indeed, he knew many misused it on a routine basis, but he couldn't deny that he was surprised that Tonks had stooped so low to gain the man of her choice. But then – she is a Black and sometimes blood will out, he thought bitterly.

He knew Lupin would tell Snape to be kinder to her, that her grief had dictated her actions, that the physicality of the Claim bite ensured the attraction was maintained. But Snape couldn't agree – this casting and Amortentia surely made it plain to him. Lupin was too kind – too trusting. He didn't know how low pure-bloods could stoop and Tonks's mother had probably taught her daughter all manner of arcane pure-blood magic, Snape was sure.

As Snape reached the heart of the knot, Lupin spoke in their mind connection.

Oh, the foolish girl! I understand what she did now. Do you see it, Severus? Can you see?

Snape could. The heart of the knot showed the lie - the misunderstanding they had both once assumed would be harmless – the one they had meant to correct, but fate had overtaken them both.

Tonks thought Lupin was mated to Sirius Black.

When she had Obliviated him, she had tried to expunge a mating that did not exist, leaving Lupin with partial memories which, combined with his existing distress at Snape's perceived abandonment of him, left Lupin uncomprehending and lost, confused and angry, mired in a misery he couldn't understand.

Between the wrong casting, the Bond, the Claim and a werewolf's resistance to mind magic fighting the Memory Charm constantly, knowing his mate lived, Lupin veered between denial, depression and grief, wearing away at the Charm.

We should have told her the truth, Lupin thought to Snape. How could he disagree?

Freed of the Charm, Snape could feel Lupin's mind begin to lighten, like the warmth of the sunshine after the oppression of a storm. The warmth of Lupin's love enveloped him as Lupin led Snape to the memory of the middle of a row, Lupin and Tonks facing each other, shouting at each other.

"I don't understand, Remus. It's been over a year. Why can't you let him go?"

"Dora. You misunderstand. I've told you before. It isn't about Sirius. And you only feel this way because of what I have asked of you at the full moon. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't feel this way about me. Please don't. I'm too old for you. Too dangerous."

"Am I so unloveable, Remus?"

"It isn't that, Dora. I told you at the hospital ..."

"If you weren't still grieving for Sirius, we could have been together that night."

"Dora – there's nothing wrong with grief. You need to deal with yours. You know this is just rebounding from David. You need time ..."

"David's been dead longer than Sirius, Remus! We need to move on – you and me! We could be so good together, if you could just let yourself be free ..."

Tonks drew her wand, her jaw set and she cast ...

Snape left Lupin's mind, angry once more.

"She is a foul woman," Snape muttered.

"She is misguided. Lonely. Depressed."

"Misguided?" Snape's eyes widened in incomprehension. "She dosed you with Amortentia! She Obliviated you! And badly at that! That's not misguided. It's criminal. She should be in Azkaban!"

"You know how powerful the bite is. It was too much to ask of her – but we did ask it of her – over and over again," Lupin said earnestly. "Without her, where would we be – you and I? We owe her, Severus! As much as I hate what she did to me, without her help, you might have been discovered! You might have died!"

A muscle flickered in Snape's jaw. It was true, but it galled him to admit that his safety back then had meant Lupin having to stay with that woman.

"What happened at the hospital?" he asked, deflecting from the ugly truth.

Lupin dragged a hand over his face, rasping across his stubble.

"On the night ... ah!" he sighed. "The night Albus died. She declared her love for me - in front of everyone – teachers, the Order ... God, even in front of the children - in the hospital wing. I could hardly breathe. It was as if everyone conspired against everything I wanted – Molly, Arthur, even Minerva. No-one would listen to me. And all I could think about was that Albus was dead ... the man who saw beyond my curse to give me an education – and my husband supposed to have murdered him. I just needed to be alone. To find you. Hunt you down if I had to! I wanted to kill you with my bare hands! I wanted to cradle you in my arms! I felt as if my mind would break apart. I left them and I searched the castle, even though I knew you'd left. I went to Spinner's End - to the farmhouse - even our flat."

"Our flat?" Snape blinked.

"Well, I considered it ours, even though you never came there. Not once."

"You know I couldn't," Snape said softly.

"I know now. I didn't then." Lupin placed his hands over Snape's. "When I finally got back to the flat though, Tonks was waiting for me. She apologised profusely. Presented a bottle of Firewhisky. 'To see the old boy off,' she said."

Snape felt his chest heave with offence. He knew where this would lead. Lupin looked up at Snape apologetically.

"It won't surprise you that I drank far too much. Before I knew it, I was plastered and Dora was telling how much she loved me. I let her. Then she was holding me, and kissing me. And I kissed her back. Not because I wanted her – but because I wanted to hurt you. Even as I was kissing her, I thought of you, that you deserved this because you had betrayed me and then – the Bond flamed."

"I felt it flare." Snape felt sick to the pit of his stomach, but he had seen himself how drink and grief was a combustible cocktail for Lupin.

Lupin's closed his eyes and nodded.

"I so nearly ... so nearly ... Oh Severus, I'm sorry." Lupin raked his hands through his hair, his face a picture of misery. "But then I knew. I almost cried out in front of her. And I told her I was sorry, but we'd never be together.

"And then I remember she topped up my glass from another phial. The aroma reminded me of you. I drank it. I think I wanted some kind of oblivion from the pain. Can you understand, Severus? Please?"

"I understand," murmured Snape, understanding far too well. "Was it Amortentia?"

"It must have been. She tried to make love to me again but I resisted because I knew then it would break the Bond and I didn't want our Bond broken, but my drugged self still wanted her so I told her – that we had to be married." Lupin laughed ruefully. "By the time the Potion wore off, she told everyone we were a couple, how delightfully old-fashioned I was insisting on marriage first. And she could morph once more."

"I saw her hair was pink at the funeral," muttered Snape.

"You were there?" Lupin gasped in shock. "If I'd known ..."

"Here," said Snape. "I was here. I watched from the window you made for me." He closed his eyes as he remembered. "I so wanted to speak to you ..."

"Oh Severus. I wish ... I so wish -"

Snape leant forward, holding the back of Lupin's head and kissed him. "So do I, Remus. So do I."

At that point, Tippy appeared laden with a huge tray and she set the table, crooning to her masters of her happiness and laid out many dishes, Lupin's favourites and Snape's. Lupin squeezed Snape's hands as they watched her.

Once they sat at the table and began to eat, it became apparent that neither man had realised how hungry he was and they ate ravenously, sitting side by side, relishing their meal for their togetherness more than the food itself before they fell to talking once more.

"So you knew, once the Bond had flamed. But what would have happened if you hadn't thought of me?"

"I suspect the Bond would have broken. It would have recognised if I no longer cared."

"But it's supposed to allow us to ... breed," said Snape, with some distaste.

"With a wife!" Lupin laughed sourly. "Not with a one-night stand. And that's where the Love Potion caused me to make such a mistake. Days later, I tried to put it right – to tell her it was a mistake. Oh Merlin! She was so upset. I did nothing but make it worse. You saw what happened then – she tried to Obliviate knowledge of my mate – but got it so badly wrong – Severus - it was like being stuck in a waking nightmare."

"Amortentia," murmured Snape, shaking his head. "It was defeated by the Bond, but in your Potion-induced enamoured state you recognised the loophole. Take Tonks as your wife and the Bond would not intervene."

"Deep magic recognises intention." Lupin smiled sadly. "For the Bond, there was no betrayal. After Dora Obliviated me, at first, I just felt so desperately confused and lost. Terribly alone. Something so integral to me – physically and emotionally – was missing. I ached for you, but I didn't know I did."

"I know," said Snape, staring at Lupin. "Your dreams ... the dreams you sent me ... they became disjointed and you didn't seem to know me in the last one."

"Then parts came back to me – just pieces – slowly coming together. The more I pieced together, the more disjointed it seemed. I knew I had a Claim, but the details eluded me. I knew I had the Bond, but in my mind you had betrayed me, not once, but several times. But despite that, I wanted you so badly. I didn't want anyone else.

"Then the wedding." The colour drained from Lupin's already pale face. "Most members of the Order were there."

"A Muggle ceremony?"

"So the Ministry wouldn't know," said Lupin, looking shamed.

Snape watched Lupin's expression as Lupin looked at his bowl of chocolate pudding intently. There were stricter werewolf laws already in place but Snape couldn't help but wonder if Andromeda had seen to the anonymity of her daughter's injudicious match. He said nothing, but he still had so many questions.

"I sent Wolfsbane."

Lupin eyebrows shot up. "You did? Dora told me she'd bought it. I wondered if you were producing for the local Apothecary. I recognised it."

"Tippy," said Snape with a proud smile. "She swapped them over. She said the one she replaced was inferior."

Lupin's smile broadened, but then faded.

"How did you find out about the wedding, Severus?"

"The Dark Lord announced it to humiliate Bellatrix and Narcissa," Snape said, his throat full again he remembered that feeling of falling into despair.

"Forgive me."

Such a simple request and uttered in such a small voice, and yet poignant.

"Yes, Remus. I understand it now." Snape curled his fingers around Lupin's hand, and squeezed it.

"Thank Merlin," whispered Lupin. "Oh thank Merlin." His eyes closed as if relief washed over him. As Snape watched him, he realised he still had to check Alphard's theory of the Claim's connection.

"There's something I have to check, Remus," said Snape, as he dabbed at his mouth with the napkin. "About the pregnancy. Wait here."

Leaving Lupin in the drawing room, Snape went to the hidden compartment in his bedroom and retrieved Alphard's letters. Flicking through them, he found the one he wanted – the one that explained how Angharad's child was related to Alphard, not by blood, but by the Claim that suffused both his and Angharad's blood – the Claim of Idris. Even if Lupin hadn't Claimed Tonks fully, his cursed genes made up that child just as surely as the Claim coursed through Snape's blood.

They were connected.

Snape knew now he had felt the sickness of the embryo changing. He pressed his fingers to his stomach, recalling the feeling. It was the first change. The embryo was barely formed. Surely, it would get much worse as time progressed. Why had Tonks not recalled the Electio Potion? After all, she had recommended Snape to Amelie and Jasper.

Snape rifled through the parchments faster, recalling comments Alphard had made about the full moon ... where were they? Parchment after parchment was discarded on the floor around him, and then he found it, his quick dark eyes darting across the page:

... I have to conclude even as early as the embryonic stage, the Lycanthropic Curse is already active. Even the embryo changes so the werewolf mother's womb does not become a hostile place. That is how the curse works to propagate itself.

'Foley on Werewolves' sets out two post-mortem reports on witches who were impregnated by werewolves. One died by the fifth full moon as the cursed foetus proved inimical to the mother; the other managed to last until the seventh full moon but both mother and baby suffered savagely in their passing. I have found no record of a werewolf foetus being born alive to a human mother, or of a human mother surviving the pregnancy.

I have to say, Severus, your notes on the Electio Potion are astonishing – that such advanced skill was available back then. It's quite extraordinary ...

Snape stopped reading as his hands dropped into his lap still holding the letter and he stared at the wall. He had told Alphard of the Electio Potion when they had been discussing the origins of the curse, but what Alphard told him – if Lupin knew this ...

Lupin was tearing himself apart with guilt already. If this happened – if Tonks died because of the child she carried being a werewolf, Snape was sure Lupin would never recover from the guilt.

No. Snape would not let that happen.

"Does Alphard confirm it, Severus? The child is a werewolf?" Lupin was standing in the doorway, watching Snape shrewdly.

Snape nodded, not wanting to admit how much worse it was than that.

"This is why my kind don't breed, Severus. My kind who don't want to make more werewolves."

"No," said Snape, his voice cracking, not wanting to reveal that it was doubtful such a child could be born alive. "But I think ... I think I can stop it."

Lupin closed his eyes as he looked down, sad and weary. "Do you mean termination? Dora wouldn't ... I couldn't ask her ..."

"No. That's not what I mean."

Lupin stared at him, uncomprehending.

Snape carefully rolled up the parchment and put it away so Lupin wouldn't see the terrible truth. Then Snape went to his bookshelves and hefted the ancient Formulary he had been given in payment by Amelie and Jasper two years ago from its shelf.

With great care, he placed the tome on the table, going straight to the leather marker he had placed at the Electio Potion. He gestured to Lupin to sit as he read avidly, a plan forming in his mind from all the permutations he had tried of the potion before he had perfected it for the young couple.

"If I calculate correctly, this must be taken during embryogenesis," explained Snape. "It will be too late by the time the foetus is developing in the second trimester." He leaned forward to Lupin. "Can you be sure of the conception date? Past the initial six weeks, there is less of a chance we can fix this."

"But doesn't it take three months to brew, Severus? It'll be too late."

Snape looked up at Lupin's hopeful face, and heaved a sigh. He smiled tightly and Summoned the lilac potion from the bathroom and placed it carefully on the table. Lupin's mouth dropped open.

"You already had some?"

"I kept some. It was for us. For John," Snape whispered, his eyes glittering.

Lupin blinked fast, but that didn't stop Snape noticing the tears that quickly coated Lupin's eye lashes.

"But ... but you can make more? When it's time ... time for us?" Lupin asked, his hand closing possessively on Snape's thigh. "Or have I lost the right to ask?" Lupin added, his eyes haunted as he looked at Snape.

"Of course," breathed Snape, fighting the emotion in his voice, smothering the question of whether it would happen now at all if this child was Lupin's first born son. Snape cleared his throat and squeezed Lupin's hand and steeled himself once more. They needed to do this – they needed to be focused and strong.

"Now, are you able to narrow down when conception was?" he asked gently.

"I know exactly," Lupin said quietly.

"How? You have been together for months ..."

"One night only, Severus. The wedding night. That's it." Lupin interrupted and then looked away, shame faced. "I have never allowed it to happen again. Only I didn't know ... I didn't know until the full moon what else had happened that night."

"The conception?" Lupin nodded. "But I don't understand how it happened." Snape raised an eyebrow sardonically, and Lupin smiled weakly. "No, I mean - I was so sure I had used a contraceptive spell. I just could never risk it. I'm sure I used one."

Snape could neither hide his shock, nor the growing sense of calm that was beginning to fill him – in spite of his initial horror, he realised Lupin's horror was just as great, in many ways greater than his own. They had a unity of purpose and they were stronger together.

"Perhaps she used a spell – an incantation of her own to override yours. I need to know the spell she cast to undo your contraceptive charm then I can add an incantation to the potion."

"If she did, I didn't hear it. But I remember I thought she was whispering."

Snape sighed heavily. He knew what he had to do – but it would take a stomach of iron to do it.

"Give me the memory and we'll look in the Pensieve."

Lupin reared away from Snape as if struck.

"Severus! No! I can't bear you to look at that!"

"Will you recognise the incantation if you see it on your own? Because I will. I'll just have to ignore you fucking her, won't I?" snapped Snape, wanting to get it over and done with.

"Don't, Severus." Lupin said, his eyes hurt.

It was Snape's turn to redden. If everything Lupin said was true, Snape's comments were as cruel as if Lupin taunted him for one of his abusive memories. Snape nodded.

"I'm sorry. But I need to see it. I can help, Remus."

Lupin bit his lip as his eyes begged Snape to think again, but Snape placed Lupin's wand in his hand, clasping it in his own, and nodded to encourage him.

Shakily, Lupin placed his wand to his temple and drew out a sliver of memory, wincing as if it stung with its retrieval, and dropped it into a phial Snape placed before him.

oooOOOooo

It wasn't a room Snape had ever seen before. He didn't know if this was at their new flat (he prayed it wasn't) or hers. The furniture was ordinary and modern. Absurdly, Snape thought it was hardly the boudoir of a witch aspiring to be a temptress.

He heard Tonks and Lupin murmuring but he Occluded to ignore the sound as he saw a door opening onto the bedroom. He peered in.

It was in a small en suite bathroom, plain tiles, fluffy pink towels – her clothes heaped on the floor. He leant forward on one knee to look at them – a white leather skirt, a spiked belt, some kind of tiered blouse, boots. Military boots with buckles and he sneered – was that really a wedding outfit? He comforted himself that she was crass and inelegant, even though he knew what he would find when he turned back to the bedroom.

But for now, he concentrated on the bathroom cabinet as he scanned the shelf – and then he saw it – a crystal quart bottle. A quart! She certainly planned ahead. Snape could see two measures had been used so far. So this night, and once before – just as Lupin had said.

Snape closed his eyes and steeled his nerve and walked through the open door into the bedroom. Deeply Occluded, he walked to the bed, stopping by the bedside cabinet and sniffing the goblet there.

Elf-made wine, laced with Amortentia. His nostrils flared delicately – so this is how Amortentia smelled to Lupin – male musk with a distinct note of cloves and lauric acid, parchment and ink. Snape closed his eyes and savoured it knowing that in this memory Amortentia smelt of himself. To Lupin, Snape was love.

Fortified by this, Snape braced himself to watch the coupling on the bed. He flinched as he looked towards the couple, and couldn't help how his stomach turned unpleasantly at the sight of her long legs draped over Lupin's legs as he curled his hips to push into her, or how he rested his head into the crook of her shoulder, her face in ecstasy, her hair the most obscene pink, like her cheeks and her swollen lips. Snape tried to curtail the nausea rising in his gorge but still he could not tear his eyes away from where their bodies joined, but he had to! He had to see the spell.

Snape's vision honed in on her face, seeing nothing but her lips and then he saw one of her hands find her wand. She had kept it nearby. He saw the wand movement: small, soft, surreptitious. He sneered. He recognised it as a pure-blood incantation where continuing the blood line was the purview of the woman to override any contraceptive spell cast by a man.

Hah! Once a Black, he thought sourly watching the incantation form on her lips and repeated twice. There it was! A smile formed on her lips, her wand slipped away, as moans of joy formed in her throat.

Snape left the memory as quickly as he could before he heard any more that he thought would unhinge his mind.

Lupin was standing away, his back to the Pensieve, his shoulders tense and his breathing shallow. He was ashamed and Snape knew it. And yet, even knowing this, his jealousy gnawed at him and he could not look at the man who was his beloved and who Snape had just seen in the midst of carnality with another.

"I will get what I need," Snape said, trying to keep the edge from his voice. "Meet me back in my quarters." He saw Lupin's shoulders droop and he nodded and steepled his fingers over the bridge of his nose. Snape took the Floo to his office.

Only once he was out of the Floo did he let out a groan of misery. He knew what the Black family was capable of. Now, the barbarity of what had been done to Lupin shocked him.

He knew the way his husband made love. Even for the short period he had watched, he had seen the reticence in Lupin's movements, like a lover under the Imperius Curse and Tonks the puppeteer. Lupin had hidden his face in her shoulder – but when Lupin and Snape made love, he always looked at Snape – he never took his eyes from Snape. Snape drew his hand across his face as he realised something else: Lupin had been silent. Snape sat heavily at his desk. Lupin was not a silent lover: he was vocal, almost pornographically so sometimes. Snape loved how Lupin would say his name, encourage him, tell him how he loved him ... oh dear heaven, what I have done?

Snape it was who had taught NEWT students of the immorality of Amortentia, who last year had taught defence against the Dark application of mind magic – and yet he had pushed Lupin towards a woman who had used both against him – and then he had blamed his own husband for falling prey to them. He snorted with disgust at himself: he had once performed mind magic on Lupin that was no different – that was, in fact, the Darkest and cruellest of mind carvings. He covered his face with his hands as he breathed deeply to control himself. Lupin was right: Snape had to share the consequences.

Once calm, he procured what he needed from his stores including a small brass cauldron and returned to his quarters, giving himself enough time to calm himself physically.

When he returned, Lupin was standing in the bedroom by the window, looking out over the misty lake. He didn't say a word. Snape felt his heart clench, but he set up his cauldron and burner, stirrers and ingredients in the drawing room, then returned and watched Lupin's back for a short time. Eventually, he spoke.

"I will be able to make your son safe."

Lupin's head hung, but Snape did not see the expression on Lupin's face to know whether it was relief or not.

"You ..." Lupin started, but his voice caught and he restarted, "you are going to alter the original potion?"

"Yes," said Snape. "It was a conception potion to be taken ..." Snape found his own voice catching now as he remembered how he had day-dreamed of lying down for Lupin to use ancient werewolf magic once they had used the potion now sitting on the desk. He would have welcomed it - and borne their son for them - their son John.

He coughed as tears stung in his eyes and he turned so he could not see Lupin any longer.

"I recognised the incantation she used. It won't counteract the Potion with the correct counter-incantation."

Snape referred to the Formulary once more and then made some calculations on the parchment, intent upon his task as Lupin re-joined him.

Snape unstoppered the crystal phial and emptied the opalescent lilac potion into the small cauldron and set it to a low heat.

"I'll add certain ingredients to this to make this a post-conception potion. It's still early enough for it to be effective." He knew he was babbling, but he couldn't bear the silence between them. He turned suddenly so see Lupin looking at him, his expression one of sad rejection. Snape bit his lip.

"Your son will be a shape-shifter like his mother. That's the way the potion works. I brewed it to pick the bearer's ..." His voice nearly gave way, but he mastered it as he corrected himself, "... the mother's basic genetic code so it would not pick up the curse. He'll look like you though." Snape felt his own body soften to see the upset on Lupin's face. "It's what we agreed, after all," Snape finished weakly.

Lupin moved quickly to him and wrapped him in a tight embrace.

"No, we didn't," Lupin whispered, his hand splayed on Snape's cheek. "I said I wanted our son to look like you." And then he kissed Snape fully on the mouth, a lingering kiss that spoke of longing. Snape responded and the kiss became passionate as Snape drew his fingers through Lupin's hair, and their bodies moulded to each other in the way Snape knew at that moment with utter certainty that Tonks's never could.

Still his. Snape knew then: Lupin was still his. He felt warmth flood through him and he broke the kiss.

"The Potion, Remus!" breathed Snape. "I must tend to it."

Snape re-set the burner, and Lupin sat next to him watching every deft movement in the preparation and addition of ingredients and then the chanting of the incantation. Snape felt absurdly accomplished as Lupin's eyes never left him. And when the Potion was set to brewing and Snape stood away from the cauldron, Lupin pulled Snape to his lap and rested his head against Snape's chest.

"How long?"

"Eighteen hours to brew," said Snape, carding Lupin's hair. "Seven o'clock tomorrow evening," he said, checking his clock and casting an alarm spell to check the brew. "Time to sleep perhaps," he added, feeling the heaviness of Lupin resting against him.

"I've only been able to sleep with Dreamless Sleep for so long," said Lupin. "It would be nice to sleep without it."

"I've been the same," said Snape, a light gasp escaping his lips as Lupin drew him closer still.

"I think I'll sleep tonight," whispered Lupin.

Snape smiled a small, soft smile and murmured, "Me too."

Whenever they had made up before, there had always been fervent sex, as if their lives depended upon it. Now, it was almost as if this time the injuries were so deep, only the gentlest touch could heal them.

They lay down together, facing each other and brushed each each other's faces carefully, stroking each other's hair and then they kissed. It was soft and tender, like their hands on each other's arms and back. These were touches of reassurance and devotion, gentle and soothing. Both men seemed to understand that anything more would be too soon – taking too much for granted.

It was as if they had both been stripped raw and they needed to armour themselves in each other's love once more – step by step.

And as they held each other, Snape understood that they had betrayed each other even as they desperately tried to save each other – and yet each had been true.

The enormity of it stunned him, making Lupin's gentle embrace of him seem like a wonderful miracle. More would take time, time for them both to adjust to the things each had done, things that felt like violations of trust.

Snape knew he had been genuine in wanting to keep Lupin safe, just as Lupin had been, but they loved each other and Snape was more sure of that than he had been of anything else in his life.

With a small frisson of pleasure, he realised that Lupin was sleeping in his arms and Snape watched Lupin's face, peaceful in sleep, with a sweet smile crimping the corners of his lips as he nestled against Snape, enveloping him in his strong arms.

No. Tonks could think what she liked. She could even call herself Madam Lupin for all Snape cared. But Lupin was his - and Snape would never relinquish him again.

.

Next chapter: Our heroes tell their stories and so begin to plan.
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You Will Not Kiss Me