Torment *Completed*

A/N:  Still not beta edited and running only on Grammarly so...

“Hermione, are you going to Hogsmeade today with us?” Luna’ voice chirped forcing her to raise her head from a book she was reading while eating her breakfast.

“Sorry Luna, I think I will use the peace and quiet in the library today.” She shook her head. “I have to finish this book and look at a few more referenced ones. Are you going?”

“Yes.” Luna gave her a look of a person who's asked the stupidest question in the world. “Do you need anything from the village?”

“No, thank you.” Hermione frowned, thinking.

There was a murmur around the table but she ignored it, since Snape sent her that list Hermione was spending all her free time reading. Soon she will have to revise, preparing for her N.E.W.T. and there will be no more free time, she wanted to utilise what free time she had and Hogwarts library as much as she could.

Owls came rushing into the Great Hall, at least eight or ten letters fell in front of her, a rolled Daily Prophet and two more magazines about Potions. Hades nearly landed in her plate.

“The bird is doing it again!” complained Ellie, a Ravenclaw seated next to Hermione, scrunching her nose.

“Not much I can do about it, it seems that Severus gave him instructions to give the letter directly. Hades won’t risk it.” she took the parchment and unrolled it, letting Hades pick the food from her plate.

After she sent her essay to Severus they corresponded regularly, at least two times a week they would exchange letters. Sometimes they would discuss Prince family matters, Snape was still at the Manor but he refused to talk to Lucius and he started the process of moving to Rosebush Manor.

The other letters were from solicitors or carpenters, one was from Harry and Ginny while one was a regular report from Draco. She ignored all of them, opening Severus’ letter first.

Sometimes Severus wanted to discuss one theory or another, he asked numerous times about the spell she used on her parents, she even sent him a memory. The tone of the letters slipped from formal to informal and finally to familiar bordering on friendly.

One thing Severus never talked about was his therapy. He would occasionally slip news about his physical health, or his magic. They exchanged a few angry letters about his argument with Lucius, Hermione insisted that he try to talk to the man- to forgive and reconcile. The other thing they never even mentioned was the magical index match.

Amidst all that correspondence Hermione wondered if her apprenticeship was a smart thing?

With each letter, she somehow fell more and more for him. Consequently, her mood deteriorated with that realisation, knowing that what she wants she’ll never have. That didn’t stop her to feel butterflies in her belly and her hands from shaking every time she saw Hades.

Even now, reading his letter, full of plans for the Rosebush Manor, didn’t stop light tremor of her hands and insane beating of her heart. She frowned raising her eyes to look at the bird that picked at her food.

“Hades, did Severus sent something else with you?”

Hades gazed at her and ruffled his feathers, he moved to her shoulder and pecked at her hair. Hermione was confused for a moment until she realised that Hades was pulling her hair towards the door. With a sigh, she excused herself and went to her room, only there Hades landed on the table and shook loose three feathers from his wing.

Hermione gazed at feathers, her mind blank. What am I supposed to do with them?  The memory of the letter transformed as a feather floated to her mind, a much younger Severus sending the word to the Dark Lord and one hidden to Lucius. It can’t be… Taking her wand she cast Finite on the feathers.

Hermione watched as one feather turned to additional scroll, one to a set of old looking keys and one to a stamp. Frowning at the items she glanced at Hades.

“I don’t know who is more paranoid, you or your owner.” She mumbled, Hades gave her one lazy glance before settling on the back of the chair to slumber.

With a sigh, she took the second letter.

“Hermione,

You have now full access to Rosebush Manor. This set of keys is yours, be careful not to lose them! They are still not tied to you, but that has to wait. I also advise against going there without me for the first time, I presume that I must key you to the wards. I’d also like to keep my staff, so not a single elf can be freed before we move in there.

It also entrusts you with my personal stamp. The stamp will enable you to access my vault. Mind you, you will still need my written permission and I still have to make arrangements with Goblins. But for all intents and purposes, you are now, beside me, the only person able to enter it. Needless to say, guard that stamp with your life!

You will remain in the possession of those items even after you are no longer my Secretary. I do not trust them to stay with anyone else; you are on the other hand honest to the fault, at least in some areas. This will be included in your Apprenticeship contract and compensated accordingly.

Now, I trust that you read the book I recommended in my previous letter; tell me your intake on Kirilov method of infusion.  

SS”

Hermione grinned, her heart beating a strong pulse in her throat, mind already shifting to the last line in the letter.  

~ S ~ S ~ S ~

The door opened and Severus raised his head, knitting his brows in annoyance. He has forgotten that Mrs Rutledge is coming today. He moved the parchment he was scribbling on and closed the book he was using.

She walked to the armchair and placed her bag on it with a smile.

“Good day Severus, how are you today?”

“I was better until you showed up.” He grumbled.

“Good, I see that you are returning to your old self, as they have told me.” She nodded.

The woman was infuriating, nothing could shake her up or insult. To his displeasure, she was also the only one he could trust, besides Hermione and he tried to distance himself from the girl. Severus moved to the armchair next to hers.

“When I am fully myself again, you’ll have no doubts about it.” He said.

“Did I disrupted your work?” She asked.

“Yes,” he nodded, it wasn’t hers to stick the nose into his business.

“We had an appointment.” She smiled again, and Severus had a desire to hex that smile off her face.

“We did,” he replied more to keep a conversation floating than anything else.

She nodded. “How is your sleeping?”

“As good as it can be. I have no nightmares, at least not as much as I had before.” Severus mumbled.

Oh, he wasn’t decifull; he had no nightmares, at this point he would welcome them. His dreams became less than acceptable, unfortunately, his brain didn’t seem to share or care about his moral or his reason. At first, he spent many nights under the cold shower, ignoring his rebellious body needs. It wasn’t the sole carnal need; it was more what caused it-or rather who. After a while the sowers didn’t work anymore, so begrudgingly he tried to reduce the activity in a clinical and pro-functionary necessity - that didn’t work either, his mind would conjure up images he’d rather not see. Memories he could do without.

“Good.” Mrs Rutledge nodded, rescuing him from his own wayward thoughts. “And how is your pursuit after Miss Granger's suitor?”

“Came to an abrupt end.” Severus said, his muscles tensing.

“Oh, you found him, arranged a meeting?”  She asked with a slight frown.

“I found him, he-he is not suitable for Miss Granger. I thought we agreed that…” Severus narrowed his eyes.

“I am inquiring about a thing you considered as a project. I am curious to know, though, what made him so unsuitable and by who’s definition?” She smiled.

“By my definition; and he is the most inappropriate choice.” Severus replied not liking the turn conversation was taking. She raised an eyebrow in question and he growled. “Miss Granger is a Muggleborn, she should find love in her own terms.”

“And would her freedom influence your attitude…” She started.

Severus jumped from the chair; The woman is like a dog with the bone. He wondered how smart it would be to confide in her, without his Occlumency, something he still couldn’t regain even if his magic almost fully restored, he had a need for a confidant. He always had more than one.

He could confide to Lucius- before… Before… Albus, no matter what he still listened to him, offered him an ear when the weight of his burdens became too heavy. Even if there were secrets he never shared, he didn’t have to keep everything to himself.

Trust wasn’t his forte, but he needed someone, ideally, that would be Lucius. The pain of loss and betrayal cut him like the knife. A sudden rush of anger, directed at Lucius, at his carelessness, fisted his hands. He was angry at Lucius, mostly for losing a friend, and now when he needed that friend the most.

But his own body and heart… He didn’t know how to deal with the feelings he had. He didn’t know how to resist them. He never had to before. She was bound with a professional oath, and he knew he could trust her. Still…

“Do you know what wizarding oath is?” Severus asked, deciding, hoping that he made a correct one.

“I am familiar with it.” She said, her voice slightly uncertain.

“If you will accept the terms of the wizarding oath, I may decide to confide in you fully, but not before that.” he continued.

“But…” this was the first time he could feel her losing her calm.

“That is the deal, Mrs Rutledge. Nothing I say will be written or said outside the privacy of the two of us. You may take your time to reconsider, discuss it with your husband, and tell me your decision.”

It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but if he could gain her consent, he’d have at least one person who could help him go through this. And he’ll end up, hopefully, slightly less damaged than before.

“My professional oath should be enough, but if that is what you need, I can concede to that.” She replied firmly.

Severus hid his smile, he still had it, he still could manipulate and twist person to do his bidding. His therapist was a smart and capable woman, but he still could pull her the strings if need be. There was a risk involved in what he had in mind, but he will take his chance.  

“Very well. Just place your hand on my wand and repeat after me. I promise never to repeat in words or writing what I am about to hear and learn. Nor will I ever reveal the terms under which I learned all that.”

Mrs Rutledge gulped but did as he told her. He watched his wand release a few sparks that travelled up her hand. He knew that no oath was taken or sealed, but the fear he read in her guarded eyes will keep her in check. That was all he needed.

She released his wand as it burned her. It did, in a manner, he allowed small and low stinging hex against her skin, just enough to make her think that magic had its hold.  

She leaned back in her chair, looking at him. “I will venture a guess that all this has to do something with Miss Granger and her suitor.”

“It does.” he nodded.

“Who is it?”

“Me,” Severus replied calmly watching the shock pass over Mrs Rutledge’s features. “Not me, of course, my late family to be precise.”

“I see.” she blinked. “But, that is not the whole story…”

“No, it is not. The remaining part of that story is a betrayal. My dear friend… My only friend betrayed me, conspired against me with the portrait of my late grandmother.” he stopped, suddenly everything that was happening seemed too tangled up and he wasn't sure what to say.

Mrs Rutledge nodded, motioning him to continue. Severus was sure she still tried to process everything he said so far.

“Even my own… body betrayed me.” Severus continued carefully. The heart is a part of the body after all. “Minerva refused to see the reason, she thinks that my...that possibility of joining with the girl is acceptable. I am at a loss how to proceed at this point.”  

“You developed feelings for the girl?” She nodded, a shred of understanding finally reaching her eyes.

His breath hitched, and he cleared his throat to cover it. Something heavy pressed at his chest. The coat of sweat enveloped his skin. Palms burned from the intensity of his fists. Voice betrayed him so he nodded, hanging his head low.

“As I told you before it is quite normal, even expected in situations like this.” Mrs Rutledge said. “But if it is only one-sided, there is no…” she stopped talking suddenly tilting her head. “I see, it is not just one-sided.”

He turned his back to Mrs Rutledge if she could read him so easily that meant that he lost control over his features.

“Do you think it is connected to that… Whatever you call it, compatibility? You told me once that if you set the meeting between Miss Granger and that young man the things would resolve themselves on their own.”

“Yes…” his voice cracked and Severus had to clear his throat. “Yes, I am sure that is a part.”

“Only a part?” she asked

“Well, she has a usable brain.” he snapped. At this moment Severus tried not to think that she had an invitingly built body as well.

“But, that is something you knew, you were her teacher for years and yet, you developed none of these feelings before. So why now? What changed now?” Mrs Rutledge said.

Yes, why now? That seemed to be the right question, one he could not find the answer. He was usually good at untangling the web of confusion and seeing the solution or answer at the very least. But now he felt crippled, blind to something that he had a feeling stared at his face. Possibly mocking him.  

“If I knew the answer to that question, do you think we would lead this conversation?” he hissed.

“Very well, we may return to that question later.” She nodded. “Tell me, how do you feel about this development?”

“How should I feel? I am-were her teacher.” Severus growled. Defeated, sad, hopeful. “It is hardly a matter I could do anything about it, besides what I am doing already.”

“And that is?” Mrs Rutledge blinked at him.

“Trying to find the way to keep the girl out of the harm's way,” Severus grumbled. “And I seemed to be only one.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Lucius, Draco even Narcissa seems to be more than keen on throwing the girl at me. Minerva is also quite calm about it. Poppy… Well, Poppy is Poppy. They all closed the blind eye at the most glaring facts.” Severus barked, annoyance stirring in his chest.

Why no one can see how wrong all of it is?

“Hm, you said to keep the girl out of the harm’s way. Why is that?” She leaned to him.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he sighed. She is just doing her work, she has to ask these questions. “If I neglect for the moment most glaring reasons like age difference for example or… Still, she is a part of the Golden Trio, a war hero and the best friend of the Boy Annoyance. I am an ex-Death Eater, twice charged for treason and my association. She survived the war, but her hands are still clear. I killed, more than once. What I did of my own free will or out of necessity- that creates darkness that taints everything you touch.”

“And yet, none of the surrounding people don’t see that darkness in you. Including Miss Granger. From what you told me about her, she knows most of the things you did and she still developed feelings on her part.” Mrs Rutledge said.

Severus briefly wondered if she is adamant to end what others already started? To push him deeper into the ambys. Without Occlumency he was already lost, never needing to develop any other form of defence.

“I would like to continue this conversation, but later. We will talk about something else for the rest of our session, however, I’d like you to think about the question I asked you regarding this topic. Next time we see each other I’d like to see what conclusions you reached.”