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Angel Of Mercy	By : AttentionDeficit Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 10159 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
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'Cause A Heart That Hurts Is A Heart That Works
You would think that after all this time something would fit into place. I’ve spilled my guts, most of my best kept secrets are gone. Although, secrets are made to be told, and promises are made to be broken, but, I kept my promise to him, I spilled it all. Verbal vomit, a spew of thoughts, emotions and feelings all in the form of words. Unattractive in meaning but beautiful in sound.
Isn’t it supposed to make you feel good when you tell someone about whatever it is that is bothering you? People say it takes a weight of your shoulders when you share your burdens. But I don’t feel any weight off. I don’t feel lighter. I don’t feel better! Why can I never be like what people expect? I want to be normal or even a stereotypical faggot. I want to squeal at bugs and have a little dog. I want to wear pink and wave my hands flamboyantly. I want… I want to be someone else.
What have I done? I told myself it would make me feel better but I feel worse. I feel a crushing, wishful feeling for something I will never have. What was the point of telling her if I’m not feeling any better? Should I have just kept my mouth shout?
“Is kissing Potter worth this?” I ask myself.
Right this very second… I have no idea.
* * *
I move swiftly towards the dinning room. I’m nervous, unsure if I really want any kind of contact or emotion from Potter. But, at the same time I’m excited to get the contact and emotions. The power of having my questions answered over my feelings for Potter is too great for me to back out now.
Through the big white doors, line up, get the food and go straight to the table Potter normally occupies. I try not to run, I try to be graceful but my emotions are getting the better of me. I sit on the opposite side of Potter. He doesn’t look very good, his hair is more mussed than usual, as if a thousand finger tips have run through it, his mouth is in a tight white line, and his jaw is in a clenched position that seems like it should hurt more than anything else. His body looks like it’s waiting for an attack, and his eyes… God his eyes! They’re filled with so many emotions. So many that only a person who has felt all of them could be able to describe it. Some people would say sad, or depressed but someone like myself would say hopeless, loveless, alone, depressed, haunted, as if he has watched everyone he loves die in the most brutal way possible. The amount of agony in his eyes would make most people crumble.
I slowly slide my hand across the table to reach for his hand, which are rigidly placed beside his dinner plate. As my fingers softly slide against his knuckles, his whole body tenses and then tries to relax. Potter lets go of a small burst of air and it sounds like a very soft sob he is sending out.
“Potter…?” I ask slowly and with that one word he releases another sob and his hand moves to grab mine, seeking a small amount of comfort from my presence.
“It was my entire fault. All of it.” Potter agonized whisper fills my head with a deep sadness. “Every single one of them dead because of me. I should never have been born, or I should have died the first time he tried to kill me. Someone else should have this burden placed on their shoulders. I was way too young.” Again, Potter lets go of a sob.
I can not stand to just sit here and let him face this misery alone. Without letting go of his hand, I stand up and walk over to sit next to him at the table, and let him lean against me; put his full weight against me; allow me to keep him from completely breaking apart; allow me to be the rock he needs right now.
I can’t help but realize the comedy in being my rival’s rock, when for so long I was trying to steal the rock away from him. Although, is he still my rival?
“Potter, you may have been too young to face all of that but if you had died when he originally planned it, I would have also been dead. I would have found no point in going to school or even trying to act like I wasn’t in line to be the next great Death Eater. I would have succumbed to suicide by the age of fourteen. You gave a point to my life no other person could have placed in to it. You gave me a reason to not give up. I had to defeat you somehow and only then could I die. But I’ve never defeated you, and I probably never will.” I say confidently and quietly. I’m trying to make him feel better, but I believe I’m more talking to keep myself from becoming too uncomfortable. This is unknown territory I’m in right now, and it does scare me a little.
“I know that it’s supposed to be uplifting when you tell someone your life story but telling Doctor Sykes has only made me feel worse.” Potter whispers.
“I had the same feeling too. I really do hate it when people say things that aren’t true. Although, it was so much easier to tell, when I thought that I would feel better. Unfortunately, now knowing that I don’t just makes me feel like I’ve lost control over what was only mine.” I move my fingers against his hand, trying to comfort him.
“We’re so much a like it’s kind of frightening.”
“Potter, please. We are not at all alike. We are just sharing some of the same negative thoughts.”
“Negative thoughts. You make it sound so light. Negative thoughts. Like the feeling of complete and utter loathing for yourself is normal for any person. Knowing that the death of parents, friends, godparents, whole families, acquaintances, and other people are not at all my fault. If I had only killed him when the Death Eaters first started to attack the castle, so many people would still be alive today. They would have lived normal lives, married, had children, lived and loved like they were all suppose to. Or the others that died leaving behind kids. Children that will never get the pleasure of feeling loved from their parents because I took to god damn long. A bunch of people I should have saved.” Potter’s voice cracked multiple times, as he tried to hold in all his emotions that were threatening to come pouring out.
Tightening my grip on his hand I said, “It is not your fault. You were not the only one who had to face that battle, you may have been given a task to perform that only you could complete but it was never on your shoulders alone.”
“How do you know about the task I was given?” Potter asked in a defensive tone. Though I still saw through his strategy to not respond to the rest of words.
“The prophet put out a special on the great Boy-Who-Lived while you were attending funerals or visiting friends in hospitals. It said that you had a task to complete that only you could do. It reported that some people knew that you had to be the one to finish him off, but no one knew why it had to be you.”
‘Only Hermione and Ron knew the reasons behind my actions leading to the downfall of that fucker. At least they didn’t betray me on that fact.” Potter mumbled the last part bitterly.
“What happened between the Golden Trio? You were the picture perfect image of best friends.”
“That’s the problem with pictures, Malfoy, they are often false. With them… well, the little things just started to add up. They kept this essence of innocence with them after the war that I lost back when Sirius died. They didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to smile without a reason, walk with my head held high, or even get out of bed some days. They believed that if I was out in crowded areas I would be able to get over any kind of loneliness I have ever felt. They did not realize that any of the girls that they wanted to hook me up with only wanted to fuck or date the ‘Harry Potter’ not just Harry. Finally after one particularly horrible girl they set me up with I finally decided to tell them that I was gay and never had, nor ever will, fuck, or marry any of the girls they set me up with. At best I would put a memory charm on the girl to think that I had screwed her, just to make my friends happy.
“I just couldn’t lie to them anymore I said. Ron freaked out first, saying that he excepted that I was gay but why the hell couldn’t I have said so sooner, he wouldn’t have to found so many girls then. As if I was an inconvenience that he just had to deal with. Hermione agreed with him that I should have said so sooner, and then they could have set me up with a great man. She said it as if my life wouldn’t be complete without someone dating me. As if I need to feel infatuated with some bloke for them to think that I will be what they want again.
“I stopped hanging out with them so much after that night. They saw me from time to time with some bloke hanging off of me. Hermione would have this disgusted look on her face and Ron would just frown. Who are they to judge me about who I sleep with?” Potter snarled.
Granger’s words played in my head when I told her about my father finding me with some boy. ‘Maybe he wasn’t pleased about it but he accepted it.’
“Potter, what if Granger and Weasley accepted you for what you are but were not pleased about who you are going out with. Maybe they just didn’t want to see you in a line of meaningless relationships that would lead to nothing but wasted time and good fucks. When I told Granger about my father being pissed when he found me fucking some muggle, she said that it may be that he did accept me for who I was but was angry about who I was fucking. Maybe you just took their care for you in the wrong way.”
Potter stared at the dinner plate for a few minutes, thinking every thing over before shrugging, “It doesn’t really matter anyway. They are not apart of my life anymore.”
“To give them up is very foolish. They care a great deal about you. They always have and always will. Just listening to Granger talk about you clears any doubt that she has stopped loving you. You are like a brother to them, someone that they would accept and forgive for anything. Do not throw that away.”
Again he shrugs non-committal. “Why is it that whenever we start to talk, it is always about psychoanalyzing me? Are you that scared to share yourself? What do you think I’m going to do? Run and tell every reporter, “Guess what! Draco Malfoy actually has a heart and has faced more horror then anyone else I know”? Why are you so afraid?”
”I am not afraid.” I say defiantly.
”Oh, really? Tell me then, un-afraid Draco,” Potter whispers, “Did they rip your soul away when they tortured you, or is it only in shreds?”
I wince. “I was never… Who told you I was tortured?”
”No one had to tell me, when you’ve seen so many grieving people, so many scarred people, so many defeated people, you just start to realize who has been tortured and who hasn’t. You wince every time people bring up your family’s house, though I think that is a subconscious reaction. So tell me Draco, what happened?”
”I was raped by my Aunt Bellatrix. She used a hardening spell on me and raped me, as I begged and pleaded for her to stop. She did so seventeen times before she finally died. I was molested in that house by Voldemort and his cronies. I fell in love with a boy who was a prisoner there and he was murdered right in front of me, and I had to keep up a blank, unaffected stare as my heart was screaming at me to do something. Torture was a part of my life.”
“You said ‘was’.”
“What?”
“You said ‘was’ as if you think it isn’t anymore. Do you believe it isn’t anymore?” Potter asked.
“Well…” I stalled, what was I really suppose to say?
“’Cause if it isn’t anymore, then what is your life made up of now?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. I have nothing really left. I hated my job, I am not on good terms with my parents and I have no close friends to speak off.”
“Do you honestly believe that you have nothing? Are there people waiting for you to come back to them? People that you’ve pushed away? And really, Draco, you may find that all you need to do is open your eyes to realize who is there for you. If you were to only lift your head up now, you would see that I’m here for you.”
I lift my head and his brilliant green eyes shocked and awed me. I had never looked right in to his eyes. To call them just a shade of green would be wrong; there were so many shades to them from pale green to almost black. It was as if his soul was reflected in those eyes.
Then he moved. He pressed his lips against mine lightly and let his tongue flick over my bottom lip. But before I could respond, he pulled back and smiled at me, a true smile.
“Thank you, Draco. You have helped me more then you will ever be aware of.” Potter stood up and started to walk towards the door of the eating lounge. “Oh and Draco?”
I looked up at him stunned.
“The name isn’t Potter, it’s Harry. Just Harry.”
AND WE'RE PATCHED! PATCHED! PATCHED....
So, I love this chapter. I believe it is one of my favourites. The characters are moving, the plot is moving, the romance will be picking up. No longer are we moving for the sake of motion but creating for the means of an ends. Though the end is along way off! There are so many people to still include and so many sub-plots to deliver, like the Weasley's, the roommate, Blaise, Portraits, The stupid pint named Pansy, The Malfoy's, the Malfoy Portraits... Need I go on? Of course, I need to go on, there is just so much work to be done. And to top it all off, it is summer, which means besides fast tracking through some classes I will time to write and write and write (I knew there was a good part about not being able to get a job). So prepare yourself and stay alert. The summer has only started.
MAJOR THANKS TO PLACEBO FOR GETTING ME OUT OF THIS WRITERS BLOCK! YOUR MUSIC, ESPECIALLY YOUR NEW CD HAS MADE THE BEST MONTH A WHOLE LOT BETTER! ALL READERS SHOULD LISTEN TO BRIGHT LIGHTS BY THEM! The title is taken from that song.
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Always know someone out there loves you and if you feel like committing the big S. Don't. Talk to someone. Somebody will care.
-Laura
-Attention Deficit.
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Angel Of Mercy