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Afraid to Live, Afraid to Die	By : deadlyfatedangel Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 16332 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
**Please do not comment on how I write. It's simple. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. If there are mistakes however, you are more than welcome to point those out. This is Harry/Snape and will get dirty at some point, so please be patient.**

For those of you who don't check my profile for updates, here's how the next month is going to go for updates

December 5, 2008 � Chapter 11 posted

December 19, 2008 � Chapter 12 posted

January 9, 2009 � Chapter 13 posted

Hopefully by that time I'll have enough to continue posting once a week. Right now I only have these chapters done, and I'm now working on one shots for Harry/Draco special stories.

Italics - Harry's Writing

Bold - Mental Speaking

CHAPTER ELEVEN: WON'T LOOK BACK

Some days are like the ice in here

Don�t have to sleep at night,

Don�t have too

Don�t have to close your eyes

�Cause some days are dark like the nights with you

Days~ The Rasmus

The disgust on the Dursley�s faces when they saw him was apparent. With his glasses gone, they would surely notice that his one of his eyes was lighter than the other one, it was a little hard to miss. They also sneered at his new jagged scar, probably making him look like a hooligan in their eyes. Harry knew that he was probably in for the worst summer of his life. Remus and Mad-Eye Moody stood next to him, so between the three of them, they were getting a lot of stares. One person even mentioned what a scary bunch of guys they were.

With the nonchalant threats out of the way, Harry was off, tucked away into the Dursley�s car, the silence was even more deafening than usual. When they reached the house on Privet Drive, Harry immediately grabbed his trunk and headed upstairs. On the train he had given Hedwig to Ron, so that she wouldn�t have to be locked up all summer again. He had also shrunk his broom and tucked it safely into his trunk.

The first week passed quickly, only the occasional yelling of Uncle Vernon to do his chores. Eager to get them done, he often rushed through them, preferring to spend the time alone in his room. The Dursley�s also seemed content to ignore him the rest of the time. It was halfway through the third week, in the middle of the night that something changed. Green eyes shot open, a wand held out in front of him, as he bolted upright in his bed.

It was the first time he�d slept since leaving the school. Perhaps it was merely because he was used to being in the well-protected school that the Dursley�s home no longer seemed safe or perhaps it was that his �guardian� was no longer nearby. Harry had soon come to realize that their bond didn�t work quite as well this far apart. Also he had remembered occasionally hearing Snape�s muttering in his head while Harry slept. The stillness now seemed unbearable.

Quite aware that something was amiss, Harry got up from his bed, peering out the window. Nothing seemed to move, and that in itself was strange. Deciding that it; whatever it might have been; couldn�t be solved that way, Harry drew the curtain closed and returned to his bed.

On the verge of sleep, the dark of dreams dancing on the edge of his vision, Harry saw a flash of grey, just before a wave of pain tore through his body mercilessly. A silent scream was ripped from his body as he clutched his heart. Not even when he had been hit by Voldemort�s silencing spell has he felt this kind of agony before. It seemed ten times worse than the Cruciatus Curse, almost like the skin was shredding away from every nerve in his body at the same time.

With the pain coursing through his body until the sun peaked over the horizon, Harry was glad when it eased. His body lay on the bed, the remnants of tenderness from his convulsing reminded him that he was still alive. Lying on his side, curled in the fetal position, unable to move, Harry felt something foreign.

A feeling that he, himself, had only experienced a few times in his life. Hatred. A deep, dark, pure hatred. Wondering if perhaps this was something Voldemort was feeling, Harry reached up to touch his scar. There was none of the stabbing pain as he touched it, merely a light burning one, the same one that covered his entire body. Assuming that it was the next stage of the bond, Harry reached across the black expanse between him and his teacher. The boy could only think that Snape had felt his worry and the bit of fear, which was perhaps directed at him, for the hatred left him, instead concern washed over him, followed by fake indifference. Well, perhaps not fake, instead it was more like forced, a cover-up and Harry smiled.

The �Savior� had started to feel like the darkness had been consuming him, eating him alive. Now with this new connection to his professor added with the previous one, Harry felt that blackness edging away. It seemed that their mental link had a distance problem, but Snape�s emotions got through just fine. Despite his uncle�s yelling and name calling, Harry didn�t take care of his chores that day, it hurt just to breathe, therefore he considered moving out of the question.

Finally a strange sensation of relief flooded his body as his room grew dark and Harry figured that it was Snape�s feeling. Curious, Harry opened his eyes, after a fit filled attempt at sleep. His body no longer burned, a hiss of air left his mouth as his muscles protested, the pinprick sensation warning him that his body had fallen asleep. Waiting for the feeling to return to his body, Harry stared at the ceiling, wishing that he could get his hands on some alcohol.

A sharp feeling of disappointment washed over him that Harry knew was all Snape. Letting the feeling of remorse run, Harry sighed when the disappointment let up. Now that he could feel his limbs, he hauled himself from the bed. Upon opening the door to his room, Harry looked down to see a tray of food at his feet. Perhaps Dudley was already starting to be nicer. Harry allowed himself a small smile as he picked up the tray and took it into his room.

At the end of June, Harry woke with a start, wand at the ready, out of habit more than anything else. There was a loud commotion and lots of yelling from downstairs and Harry was irritated. Bleary eyed, he left his room and down the stairs. Stopping on the bottom step, Harry was surprised to see Snape looming in the doorway and then realized that he was feeling the teacher�s irritation, not his own.

�I will not have more of YOUR kind in my house. Now remove yourself from my doorstep or I�ll call the police!� Uncle Vernon was �purple-faced mad� as Harry had taken to calling it.

The scowl on Snape�s face was the only outward indication that he was annoyed. His posture spoke of sheer calmness. �Step aside, Dursley. Or do you want your neighbors to hear you?� Snape�s threat didn�t really sound like one, but to this family it worked quite well.

Vernon stepped out of the way and Snape came inside, shutting the door behind him. Black eyes met curious green ones briefly before he walked past the staircase and into the living room.

�Go get your things, Potter. I�ve come to collect you,� Snape�s voice was startling after three weeks of mental silence.

Harry stared at the spot where the older man had disappeared around the corner for almost a full minute. It was Vernon�s hateful look that finally sent him fleeing up the stairs. Quickly flinging his stuff into his trunk and pulling on a clean set of clothes he was ready to go. Years of experience taught him to always be prepared, so he had hardly removed anything from his trunk, deciding to live out of it instead of his closet, just in case he had to flee.

Grabbing his trunk, he waited at the bottom of the stairs. Moments later Snape emerged from the living room, Vernon still �purple-face mad�.

�Let�s go, Potter,� Snape said, swishing by him, Harry�s trunk shrinking.

Stowing it in his pocket, Harry followed the teacher out and into a reclusive alley.

�I take it you�ve done a side-along Apparation,� It was more of a statement then a question and once again Snape�s voice was startling.

Harry nodded and put his hand on Snape�s arm, unfamiliar feelings coursing through him. Feeling the professor�s eyes on him, Harry lifted his eyes, curiosity reflected in them. Snape chose to ignore him and they disappeared with a loud �pop�.

When everything settled in Harry�s stomach, he noticed that they were outside Grimmauld Place. Before approaching the building, Harry saw a neutral gray lingering where the house was hidden. Filing that information away for another time, he drew nearer to the house that had appeared.

Once inside Harry was led to the family room. The older man handed him two potions.

�One is your regular healing medicine and the other is for the aches you probably still have,� Snape explained, reacting to Harry�s curiosity.

�I didn�t think it would hurt. The first stage certainly didn�t,� Harry downed the bottles, grimacing afterwards.

�The book never said anything about that kind of pain. Perhaps it was the distance. We weren�t close enough to use the first bond, so that may have affected it.�

�So we have to be closer to not feel that pain? I really don�t want to feel that again,� Harry muttered.

�Neither do I. The next stage should happen during the Christmas break, so I�ll be sure to hang around here during that time,� Snape folded his arms over his chest.

�I have another theory that we could take into account. What if we experienced every emotion the other has ever felt. I felt different things like that all day. From happiness to sorrow, pride to shame and love to hatred. The hatred at the end was so overwhelming,� Harry mused.

�I suppose that is one explanation. I have a lot of hatred in my life, mostly towards the Dark Lord,� Snape thought out loud, probably forgetting that Harry was there.

�Maybe that was all the hatred you had ever felt. I thought I was going to drown in it,� Harry said.

�Like a test perhaps,� Snape�s voice was sultry across Harry�s thoughts. �I felt a lot of helplessness when it was over.�

�That�s not surprising. When people started to get hurt around me, I couldn�t help but feel that way. Knowing I was the only one who could stop it all, but not knowing what to do. Then I couldn�t save all those people, they died trying to protect what they loved so much, and in the end we lost anyway. So many wasted lives,� Depression started to set in, and Harry longed for his once faithful escape.

All of that left him when he received a smack to the back of his skull. Blinking, Harry looked up to see Snape hovering over him, glaring down at him with the black pools of shadows that were his eyes.

�Did you read about the bond we�d have? Or should I assume that you still have the library book in your possession?� Snape asked.

Harry thought for a moment, and then fought to keep his blush down when he realized that he still had it.

�Perhaps this time you�ll read up on it before the next stage,� With that the Potions Professor stalked out of the room.

After heading to his room, and having Remus re-size his trunk, Harry pulled out the book. Settling back against his pillows, Harry settled down to read the marked page in the book.

�Infractus Pectoris Nodus aka The Broken Soul Bond

Cognationis, revinctum mentis

Conserui pectoris eduro aetas

There are six stages to this particular bond. As with all bonds this one is irreversible and should, therefore, not be taken lightly. However, to fully complete this bond, a physical action of love must taken before the sixth stage can begin. The stages are as follows:

First Stage: Sentential � Meaning: Thoughts

Communications through thought is the first stage, and often the most common. A mental link forms between the two involved, allowing them to speak directly to one another�s mind. It also allows them to send still images; a moving visual link is achieved at a later point. This stage can last anywhere between four to six months before stage two starts.

Second Stage: Philosoph � Meaning: Emotions

Sensing the other�s emotions is also often common in most binding spells. It is believed that this development can be controlled and blocked from one another. This stage takes another four to six months to fully grow.

Third Stage: Tactonis � Meaning: Sense of touch

Often this stage only counts the pain and pleasure side of touch, allowing one to know when the other has been hurt. However, this is not confirmed as there is no Nodui* couple who will talk about it. Another four to six months can pass before the start of the fourth stage.

Fourth Stage: Cupido � Meaning: Desire, or longing

At this stage is usually when both start to feel the need for physical contact. It is said that most Nodui pairs cannot survive the day without touching at least once a day. This stage can last year, usually the fifth stage begins when the Dominus* feels as if the only way to save his bonded is to risk his own life.

Fifth Stage: Aspecus � Meaning: Vision

This stage allows the Nodui to see what the other sees for a short moment of time. It is believed that the stronger the magic between them, the longer it last, yet cannot be confirmed. Unwillingness to speak on the last stages of bonding seems common for most pairs. However, from one source it is known that they must have intercourse to complete the bond and the last stage.

Sixth Stage: Integro � Meaning: To Make Whole

Information at this stage is scarce and few were willing to speak on it. From what has been gathered it is said that this is the most wonderful of all stages. All that was said was that they had become whole.

However, it appears that bonding is not for everyone. Most don�t make it through the second stage, often dying together. If the two involved were not intended to be together they often fail the test that comes with stage two. The Nodui refuse to speak of what the test involves. The also said that stage five is a test, going so deep into their souls to see if they were compatible; most fail the test.

There are only three Nodui that have made it through this particular bond and they suggest that other try less difficult bonds.�

Harry closed the book and smiled, completely aware that Snape was probably feeling his happiness. It made him happy to know that the older man wanted this kind of bond; that they would truly be together forever.

�Keep your emotions to a minimum, Potter. You don�t even know if we�ll finish this bond. Over two hundred pairs have tried this particular bond and only three survived. This one was the only one that suited all of our needs,� Snape said.

Harry frowned, his happiness leaking away. �I think we�ll make it to the end. What would be the point of dying before I get a chance to kill Voldemort.�

�Our bond could still be on the fourth stage by the time you face him. There�s no need to get ahead of yourself,� Snape retorted.

The young boy�s frown deepened. �So that means you�re not attracted to me? You wouldn�t want to sleep with me?�

Harry heard the older man heave a sign, and felt his exasperation through the bond. �You are still lawfully underage, even if your mind is not, then your body is. When or if that time comes, I�ll deal with it then. Now get some food, you�re too skinny,� With that the connection went silent.

Harry sighed this time and got up in search of food.
*Nodui � Bonded

*Dominus - Dominate

____________________

Preview of Chapter Twelve: Like An Angel You Came

When Harry sat down in the Great Hall for the first feast of the year, he noticed that Horace Slughorn was sitting at the table with the rest of the teachers. Mismatched green eyes moved to the previous potions teacher to find the smallest bit of a smirk there. Harry also smiled, happy for the man he�d grown attached to.

�Don�t be too happy, Potter. I�ve removed all of my old school books so you won�t be tempted to cheat.�

Snape�s voice was heavenly across his mind after two months of silence. Despite the hard man�s words, Harry�s smile did not falter.

�I figured you would. You have a penchant for remembering small details like that,� Harry said.

When Dumbledore stood, it made the young boy frown finally, as he made introductions about the new teachers and other changes in the staff. Snape must have felt his displeasure grow for a sense of calm soothed over his mind.
- 10
- 11
- 12
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Afraid to Live, Afraid to Die