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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice	By : MikiNDaxxi Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 16660 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: We own no part of Harry Potter or his magical world and make absolutely no money by wasting our time writing this sludge. We did not create these characters; we just abuse them ad gratis. Our humble apologies to the disclaimer police.

Chapter List
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MEETING THE INTENDENT: Is it really fem slash if it’s just two of the same person?



                The group followed Other Snape over the grounds, up the stairs, and through the doors of the castle. Everything looked much as it did in their universe. Same architecture, same paintings, same suits of armor who cat-called at you as you passed. They came to a halt in front of the massive doors of the Great Hall, and Other Snape turned to face them.

                “Wait here,” he said. “I’ll announce you.”

                He slipped through the doors without offering as much as a glimpse inside. Hermione tapped her toe impatiently and pulled the petals one-by-one off of a daisy she had picked up outside.

                The doors opened again, this time invitingly.

                “Come forward,” called a voice which Hermione recognized as her own.

                Hermione lifted her chin and walked forward, the rest of the group following suit behind her.

                Apparently, this was where the differences started in this universe. The Great Hall of the Other Hogwarts was set up quite differently from their own. Instead of the many tables set up to accommodate the students of each year and each house, there was a carpet of red velvet which led from the doors up to the raised platform at the head of the hall. There appeared to be no seating other than the elaborately gilded throne across which a woman was lounging.

                The woman was a dead ringer for Their Hermione in every way, except for her hair. This Hermione had her short, sleek hair swept back, and a circlet crown rested upon her head. In fact, her entire ensemble looked awfully familiar.

“Why is she wearing a tin foil crown and a cat suit?” Hermione muttered to Other Snape as they walked toward the throne. “She looks like Mirror Universe Major Kira from Star Trek DS9.”

As soon as the question was out of her mouth, the enchanted ceiling and the sky outside the tall windows began to darken to an ominous red color. Lightening streaked across the sky, and Neville popped in and out of existence.

“Shut up!” growled Draco. “Stop mentioning other universes! Remember, Lupin said we should avoid talking about them! We’re only one crossover short of Universe Blue Screen of Death!”

“Why do you know that?” asked Harry in genuine surprise. “I thought you hated muggle things.”

“It’s part of Hermione’s rehab program, didn’t you know? I have to use muggle technology at least twice a day. I even learned how to use Facebook and Twitter! Which reminds me, Hermione you never responded to my Farmville request. BE MY NEIGHBOR, DAMN IT!”

Hermione stopped, much to the dismay of Other Snape. He tried to give significant glances from Hermione back to the Other Hermione on the throne. She pretended not to notice.

“I’m over Facebook, people kept tagging unflattering pictures of me. I’m into Twitter now. I wonder if I get Wi-Fi here…I want to update.”

She pulled out her smart phone and grinned when she saw a connection. Still ignoring Other Snape’s meaningful looks and the anxious sweat pouring down his face, she started typing on her phone.

A couple of alert beeps sounded, and several of the group took out their phones.

“Hey!” cried Harry as he looked at his phone. “You just tweeted, ‘Harry is settling in nicely to being Draco’s bitch.’ I follow you on Twitter, you know.”

“Oh…” Hermione trailed off. “That’s a bit awkward, isn’t it?”

Finally, Their Snape cleared his throat and drawled, “As fascinating as all of this is…can we get on with the story?”

“Yes, Professor,” chorused the group and put away their phones.

Just then there was another, more feminine, clearing of a throat as the woman on the throne eyed Their Hermione with interest.

“Hello, gorgeous,” she purred to apparently nobody.

                “Glorious Intendant,” Other Snape drawled, “might I present our visitors from another world. Apparently a world where there exist duplicates of ourselves.”

                The Intendant sat up, swung her legs around, and leaned forward with interest. Her pupils dilated and she licked her lips.

                “How interesting,” she remarked with a lingering glance at Hermione. She looked carefully at each member of the group of doppelgangers. “Well, I suppose it makes no difference. They still need to be read the welcome speech. Read it, Hippie Snape!”

* AUTHORS’ NOTE: We know that some of you may be purists, but do yourself a favor, and imagine Alan Rickman Snape voice for the next several paragraphs.*

Other Snape pulled a rolled sheet of parchment from his sleeve, unfurled it, and began to read.

“Welcome to the kingdom of the,” he looked nervously at the Intendant, “ um, merciful Intendant Hermione Granger. The following speech is the standard Welcome Speech for every new comer to the realm. If anyone needs to go tinkles or get a snack, please do so at this time.”

He paused.

“Very well,” he continued. “The land, all of its inhabitants, souls, puppies, boy bands, and all other such things are the exclusive property of our glorious Intendant Hermione you-best-bow-your-head Granger. The Intendant would like you to feel welcome and requests that you kindly present your wands for signature testing. This is standard procedure and nothing to be alarmed about. Also, do not be alarmed if she crawls into your bed at night.”

He shuddered.

“That is her express right. The laws of our land are not written in stone, and to understand and predict the laws of our land, for indeed they change every month or hour or so, you must first understand and memorize the nauseatingly long list of likes and dislikes of our beloved Intendant. The following are her,” he coughed, “current likes: pistachios, cowboys, long walks in the moonlight, margaritas, the letter Q, slave labor, Marmite, the color puce, Rick Astly songs, small dogs, fresh racht, that smell right before it rains, and Justin Bieber.”

“Uh, greasy haired tree hugger?”

Intendant Hermione held up a lazy finger.

“I decided that I hate Justin Bieber. Please contact the fan club and have them remove me from the mailing list.”

“Duly noted, Intendant.”

Other Snape conjured a quill and a jar of ink and crossed it off the parchment.

“Now, on to her dislikes: Justin Bieber, chocolate, the letter F, Roonil Wazlib, surprise parties (as of last Saturday), Shirley Temple, tripe, Terry Pratchett, cheese, those prizes that come in cereal boxes, animal crackers (save the lions), me, fangirls, Sailor Pluto, crappy epilogues that take place a strange number of years later, and finally, the authors of this story…”

“We’re actually not that fond of them either,” interjected Our Hermione.

“INTURUPTING!” cried Other Snape urgently. “She also hates interrupting!”

“I’ll excuse it,” said Intendant Hermione with a gracious wave of her hand. “She’s good-looking and hadn’t heard the end of the list yet. I’m sure it won’t happen again.”

The two Hermiones stared at each other.

“So,” began the Intendant, “what brings you to my realm?”

“Well,” explained Hermione, “it seems that one of our people has accidentally passed into your world. Quite simply, we want him back.”

“Why should I help you…um…my other, er, self…uh…”She thought about it, “Yes, I think that’s right.”

Hermione brightened.

“Oh! I’m so glad you asked!”

Out of her sleeve, she materialized a list on a sheet of parchment. She cleared her throat.

“Reason number one, I’m really, really good looking. Number two, I want him back. Number three, we can’t make our porno without him.”

This made the Intendant sit up straight.

“Porno? Why didn’t you say so?” she cried incredulously. “That’s a hippogriff of a different color. Of course you’re free to go…on one tiny condition.”

She fluttered her eyelashes, becomingly.

“I see you have a Blaise. I had a Blaise too,” she leered at Hermione’s pet.

Blaise paled and swallowed.

“Had?!” he squeaked, his eyes wide in terror.

“Oh, yes,” the Intendant confirmed, crossing her legs. “I caught him fooling around with Draco Malfoy.” She glared in Draco’s direction. “I see you have a Malfoy too.”

Draco nervously flipped his hair out of his eyes and clutched at Harry, who mumbled, “There’s a Draco in this universe?” over his ball gag.

The Intendant rolled her eyes.

“Yes, the Malfoys are some bleeding heart family. Those stupid Hufflepuffs are the bane of my existence.”

Draco’s knees weakened at his precious family name being associated with the word Hufflepuff.

“They always want me to sign stupid animal rights petitions.” She made a gagging gesture. “So anyway, long story short, I had to tear my Blaise limb from limb.”

Blaise crept closer to his Hermione.

“I also had the Malfoys banned from the castle.” She glared at Draco more intensely before shifting her eyes back to Hermione with a placating smile.

“So, you let me borrow your Blaise, and you’re free to go explore, or whatever it is you just said…I wasn’t listening that closely. You may have him when and if you return. I promise,” she held up her hand, “scout’s honor, that I won’t harm a hair on his,” she smirked, “person.”

Hermione looked skeptical. “I somehow don’t believe you were ever a scout but fine. It seems I have little choice.”

Blaise looked at her with puppy eyes. Well, the eyes of a puppy who knows that the animal shelter’s populace is nearing capacity, and it’s been here far too long.

Hermione cast a penetrating look at the Indentant.

“If I find anything…missing….from my Blaise, I will be very, very unhappy.”

The Intendant smirked.

“I’m sure I understand.”



“Shall we make it official with an unbreakable vow?” pressed Hermione to the Indendant’s dismay.”

"Very well,” sighed the Intendant. “If I must.”

Blaise looked moderately relieved.

Hermione stroked him.

“Don’t worry Blaise. Just pretend she’s a slightly more psychotic version of me.”

Blaise choked down a sob.
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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice