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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

Open Your Heart

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“I‘m sorry, Lily.”

The young woman in the picture just smiled up at him. Her emerald green eyes were wide and sparkling like they always did. She was nineteen in the picture. Vibrant red hair was done up in a messy ponytail with several strands of curls loose around her beautiful face. Full, pink lips were spread wide over bright white, straight teeth. She was grinning at the camera, hugging a bouquet of bright yellow roses close to her chest. Severus liked to imagine he had given them to her instead of Potter. Severus had stolen the picture from Godric’s Hollow shortly after James and Lily Potter’s death, one of very few pieces of his first love and best friend he had left.

“I love you.”

He set the picture back down on his desk and ran his finger along the edges of another…A young boy with stringy black hair, blushing and smiling awkwardly at the camera with a cute red head with light freckles grinned brilliantly with her arms thrown happily around him. Lily and Severus, best friends, age thirteen. His jaw clenched and he struggled to keep a hold of himself as tears filled his black eyes.

He killed her hissed one voice in his head.

No, she died for him, sighed another voice. Can‘t let her sacrifice go to waste, Severus. She loved him. She loved him enough to die for him.

Severus swallowed hard and leaned back in his chair, pulling out another picture. It was Lily on her wedding day, sitting in front of a mirror and turned in her seat to face the camera. She was laughing and she would wave at him now and then, her smile turning sad. He watched her twirl a while lily in her fingers, now and then placing it in her red hair before plucking it back out several minutes later, just like she normally did.

“You‘re son has a crush on me,” Severus snorted, sighing as Wedding Lily raised her eyebrow, her smile slowly fading. “I‘m not sure why. But he‘s been watching me…I can see it in his eyes and it disturbs me,” Severus murmured. “What‘s worse are my own reactions…Sex dreams! About a boy!” Severus exclaimed and Wedding Lily‘s expression turned shocked, her hand freezing as it went to spin the white flower around again. “You must be disgusted with me. I‘m disgusted with myself,” he whispered. “I do not quite understand it…I loved you, Lily. I will always love you…So I cannot possibly understand why…” Severus growled, trailing off and shaking his head, slowly setting down Lily‘s picture. Everything he had of her was set up all across his little desk in his private chambers, in one corner of his bedroom. Every picture of her. Every letter she had written him and even notes they had dared to pass in class. There was even a small stack of Muggle fiction novels she had given him over the course of their friendship.

“He’s a lot like you, you know,” Severus whispered, resting his elbow on the desk, careful not to cover any of her pictures as he leaned down, sadly staring down at the pictures, some still Muggle photographs and a few moving Wizarding photos looking up at him curiously. At his statement, all of the Lilys smiled and Severus smiled softly back. “Brave and loyal…Caring,” Severus murmured. “And he has your eyes.”

Harry Potter was a lot like his beautiful mother and not nearly the arrogant snot his father had been. Severus had been wrong about Harry, though he didn’t like admitting that, even to himself. Maybe that was why he was warming up to the boy so much…Maybe it was even why he had that dream, Severus told himself. He was like Lily. The excuse made him feel both better and worse. His stomach churned and Severus sighed, picking up the pictures gingerly and putting them away. He loved looking at Lily, but with recent developments it became almost unbearable to look at her. His best friend. The only person who had ever truly cared about him. And here he was, having these ridiculous dreams about her son. Attracted to her son! Severus blanched at the thought and shook his head.

He loved Lily, he reminded himself. As wrong as the whole situation was, that fact made it doubly as horrid. He had loved her all these years…Had been protecting that boy for her! Yet here he was, having these dreams about her own son! Thinking about him more than he used to. It was very disturbing indeed. Severus eyed his bed warily, exhausted but too worried about what might come if he went to sleep. He could go another night without sleep, he told himself. He could take a potion to keep himself awake and it would last him through the day and he would be fine. He couldn‘t continuously do it, he knew, and he frowned as he reminded himself of that fact. It would be worth it, though, to get what he could out of it. The fewer dreams about Harry he had, the better.

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“So…Harry…”

Harry looked up from his parchment, midway through the third sentence in his Potions essay. He had been working on this for a half hour and only had not even finished the third sentence. Harry sighed and looked up, blinking in surprise at the anxious stares Ron and Hermione were both giving him. Harry shifted uncomfortably under their looks. “What?”

Hermione cleared her throat. “Well, Harry…You’ve been really busy with your lessons with Snape…Which is good! Don’t get me wrong…but, well…Ron and I have been…We’ve been talking about it while you’ve been gone. And well…Umbridge is a horrid teacher! And…We think…We think that maybe we should get someone to teach us how to defend ourselves! You-Know-Who is back…The Ministry is willing to turn a blind eye to it and put our lives at risk to save their own image! And well…I don’t think it’s right. So maybe we can get someone to help a select group of other students to…To help us out. So we know how to survive against him and his Death Eaters.

Harry smiled thoughtfully. “That sounds great! Only…Who would teach us? I mean, anyone I can think of is in the Order and they’ll all be busy with other stuff…And Dumbledore can barely find people to help train me as it is….What?” he asked, noticing the anxious exchange of glances Hermione and Ron shared.

“Well, Harry…Ron and I were thinking you could teach us,” Hermione said.

There was a moment of silence where Harry glanced from Ron to Hermione, who seemed to be bracing themselves for his reaction. After a moment, Harry slowly grinned. They had to be joking. “But I’m not a teacher. I can’t--”

“Harry, you‘re the best in the year at Defense Against the Dark Arts,” said Hermione.

“Me? No! You--”

Hermione immediately shook her head and cut in. “Don‘t turn to me. I make amazing grades, but you‘ve scored higher than I have sometimes…Third year, especially, with Lupin…He‘s the only real Defense teacher we‘ve had! And even if it‘s not grades, look at what you‘ve done!”

“What d‘you mean?”

“You know, I’m not sure I want someone this stupid teaching me,” Ron said to Hermione, grinning. He turned back to Harry, looking as though he were trying to think. “Uh…first year--you saved the stone from You-Know-Who.”

“That was luck! That wasn--”

“Second year, you killed the basilisk and destroyed Riddle.”

“Yeah, but if Fawkes hadn‘t tur--”

“Third year, you fought off about a hundred Dementors at once--”

“You know that was a fluke. If the time tur--”

“Last year, you fought off You-Know-Who again--”

“Listen to me!” Harry said loudly, almost angrily. Ron and Hermione were both smirking now, which was only worse. “Just listen to me, all right? It sounds great when you say it like that, but all that stuff was luck--I didn’t know what I was doing half of the time! I didn’t plan any of it. I just did whatever I could think of and I almost always had help--”

His friends were still smirking and Harry felt his temper rise; he wasn’t sure why he was feeling so angry.

“Don‘t sit there grinning, like you know better than I do,” Harry snapped. I was there, wasn‘t I? I know what went on, all right? And I didn‘t get through any of that because I was brilliant at Defense. I got through it because…Because help came at the right time! Because I guessed right! I just blundered through it all and I didn‘t have a clue what I was doing--STOP LAUGHING!”

Harry jumped to his feet, glaring at the two of them. Why weren‘t they just listening to him? They were acting like it was some big joke, like they knew better than he did! Crookshanks leaped out of Hermione‘s lap and streaked away. The smiles on Ron and Hermione‘s faces fell and they sank back into their seats, staring up at Harry.

“You don‘t know what it‘s like! You--neither of you--you‘ve never had to face him, have you? You think it‘s just memorizing a bunch of spells and throwing them at him, like you‘re in class or something? The whole time you know there‘s nothing between you and dying excpeet your own--your own brain or guts or whatever! Like you can‘t think straight when you know you‘re about a second from being murdered or tortured or watching your friends die--they‘ve never taught us that in their classes, what it‘s like to deal with things like that--and you two sit there, acting like I‘m a clever little boy to be standing here, alive, like Diggory was stupid, like he messed up--you just don‘t get it, that could have just as easily have been me, it would have been if Voldemort hadn‘t needed me--”

“We weren’t saying anything like that, mate,” Ron said, looking shocked. “We weren’t having a go at Diggory…We didn’t…” He looked helplessly to Hermione, swallowing hard.

“Harry,” Hermione said, quietly, carefully. “Harry, don’t you see? This…This is exactly why we need you. We need to know what it’s really like…Facing…facing Voldemort.

It was the first time she had said his name and Harry, oddly, felt himself calming down somewhat. Still breathing heavily, he slowly sat back down into his chair.

“Y…You have all of these wonderful teachers, Harry,” Hermione said softly. “Snape’s helping you loads and…Lupin sometimes and Shackelbolt and…They know a lot and they’re helping you and…Well, not everyone else has that and it could be really useful so…Think about it? Please?”

Harry sat for a moment, looking from Ron to Hermione. Umbridge really wasn‘t teaching anyone anything…She was the most useless teacher Harry could remember having, including Lockheart. Harry hardly noticed the lack of Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons, considering he spent almost every night learning Defense. They didn‘t have that, though. Not many people did. Harry slowly shrugged and nodded and Hermione looked a bit relieved.

“Speaking of lessons, I think I‘m about to be late,” Harry muttered, glancing down at his watch. “Yeah, Snape‘ll have a fit if I‘m late. Night,” he said, hopping up and heading out of the common rooms. He still felt strange, thinking about teaching people Defense…But he felt sort of badly thinking about not doing it. Voldemort was back and anyone who believed that would want to know how to fight. How to protect themselves and their loved ones. Harry was lucky Dumbledore wanted him to learn desperately enough to sneak behind everyone‘s backs doing it. Harry shook his head and tried to get it all out of his mind as he headed down to the dungeons.

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“That’s enough for this evening, Potter.”

Harry groaned, gently rubbing his head as he stood up on weak legs. They had practiced Occlumency a lot tonight. A lot of his dreams of long corridors and other dreams he had of Voldemort and even the conversation he had had just tonight with Ron and Hermione. He watched Snape flick his wand, putting his furniture back into place and slowly sinking down into his usual chair. Harry flopped down onto the couch, comfortable enough to lay down. He didn‘t think about Snape‘s reaction until Snape actually said something.

“Shoes off of the couch, Potter.”

Harry simply kicked off his shoes and was pleasantly surprised when Snape didn’t say anything of it. He was tired and he had a mild headache and he hardly noticed the silence until Sanpe started talking again.

“I must say, I am very shocked Granger thinks you are teacher material.”

Harry reluctantly rolled onto his side and glared at Snape. “Hey, now.”

Snape shrugged. “A fifteen year old? A fifteen year old teaching other children how to defend themselves…”

“Someone needs to teach them,” Harry said stiffly.

“Yes…Someone does,” Snape agreed quietly.

“And I’m not bad,” Harry pressed on.

“No, you’re not.”

“Then what’s the problem?!”

“Just think…Use that brain of yours for two seconds! If Umb--”

“If Umbridge found out, it would be hell,” Harry supplied, rolling his eyes. “I don‘t give a damn about Umbridge! Let her expel me! This is more important than school or the Ministry or anything! People need to know how to survive! It‘s--”

“So, you‘ll do it, then?”

“Yes!” Harry snapped. “Yes, I will.”

Snape was silent, sipping out of a glass Harry had only just noticed he had. He was confused for a moment, settling back down into the cushions of the couch. He had a strange feeling…Had Snape been trying to convince him to do it? Or was he really just against it but didn‘t care enough about it to keep arguing? Harry wasn‘t too sure, but he found he couldn‘t stop thinking about it. Why would Snape care if anyone else could defend themselves?

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a completely heartless bastard, Harry recalled Snape saying once. Harry frowned, still thinking it over when he heard a sharp hiss from beside him. He jumped into a sitting position as Snape got to his feet, clutching his left arm. Harry‘s emerald green eyes grew wide. “Is--”

“Leave, Potter,” Snape said, not waiting on him before swiftly moving to the fireplace and Flooing out. Harry sat, staring at the fireplace for several long moments, his heart pounding harshly in his chest. “Be careful,” Harry whispered to the flames, almost reluctant to leave…But staying, he knew, would be a horrible idea. Besides…If he went to bed now…Maybe he could see what was going on…

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“Much better, Abaddon, much better,” the Dark Lord hissed with his twisted smile in place. Abaddon Avery bowed and slowly retreated back to his father, Balthazar, and sister, Azrael. Caliban Mulciber was next with his own news, another failure at the Ministry and with the Department of Mysteries. Severus watched his old school friend suffer from the Cruciatus Curse, feeling his stomach drop as the Dark Lord hissed his name next, “Severusssss.”

Severus stepped forward, bowing respectfully to his “master.” The Dark Lord gave him a smile that was not all that comforting and he felt his stomach twist up. “Any news of the Order or Hogwarts?”

“There is not much to report, my lord,” Severus explained. “The Order of the Phoenix has been unusually quiet. They do not know much and therefore cannot do much. They still seem to have suspicions about the Department of Mysteries, as I last explained, but they have no new developments. Hogwarts is worsening under Umbridge’s nose. She reports everything to the Minister and is enforcing new ’educational decrees,’” Severus explained, crinkling his nose at the mention of that foul, beastly woman. “She has been made the new High Inquisitor…”

“Yes, I believe everyone has read the paper, Severus,” the Dark Lord said coolly. “Be sure she has no reason to do anything about your position, Severus. Though I‘m sure Lucius can keep our spy in his place. Lucius?”

Severus bit his tongue, not wanting to mention anything about not wanting help from that vile, twisted, child molesting son of a bitch. Lucius Malfoy was very involved with the Minstiry, however, and very close with the Minister of Magic. “Of course, my lord. I will be sure to speak with Fudge about it soon.”

“Good,” the Dark Lord said, wearing that awful grin once more. “And what of Harry Potter, Severus?”

“Things are going well, I believe,” Severus said. “The boy seems to be…warming up…Trusting me more. He’s revoltingly comfortable in my presence,” he said, recalling the way Harry had laid down on his couch without thought or question. He had a strange feeling about it, though he couldn’t quite describe if it was good or bad.

“Very good,” the Dark Lord said quietly and Severus could feel the wizard poking through his head. Severus allowed him to see that particular memory, though he did his best to keep him away from the rest of it. The Dark Lord didn’t seem to care much about the details, only seeing proof of the boy’s growing attachment. “Perhaps you should take things a bit further.”

Severus froze and forced himself to breathe steadily and not to snap or overreact. “My lord?”

“You need to be close to the boy, Severus. Have him open up to you…He must trust you entirely,” the Dark Lord said, his voice growing softer and more pleased by the second. “Open up to him. Tell him all about your past…Tell him all about his father. Tell him all about your tragic history, Severus,” the Dark Lord encouraged, smirking nastily while several of the other Death Eaters behind him snickered.

“M--”

“Don’t try to argue with me,” the Dark Lord warned, a threatening tone to his voice. “I have every faith that this is the right time to act. Don’t thrust it all upon him at once, but you must begin to give him more, Severus. It’s the easiest way to win him over. The boy is much too good to resist such a pathetic case.”

Here Severus was, seemingly helping this madman, and he dared offend him? Insult him this way? Severus clenched his teeth, wanting nothing more than to snap at the man. Severus had much more control than to do such a thing, however, and he simply nodded. “Of course, my lord.”

“Very good, Severus,” the Dark Lord said, sounding pleased. Severus bowed and slowly backed up. “Now…Lucius.”

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Albus sat behind his desk, looking thoughtful while Severus sat in a chair in front of the man’s desk, waiting impatiently for the man to speak. He had just gone over the entire meeting and Albus had only muttered a few comments, most of which Severus hadn’t even heard, before falling into his own pensive state. Severus knew these meetings were important, but he was suddenly feeling very tired…The constant use of wake up potions and the last one was quickly fading was leaving him more exhausted than usual. He quietly searched his robes, hoping to have a vial of it hidden in his pockets, but only found the vial of Amorentia he had confiscated from Astoria Greengrass earlier and the Calming Draught he had grabbed to give to her sister, Daphne Greengrass, who had spent a great deal of the afternoon stressing over the year’s OWLs.

“Really need to tell everyone to be more careful. I don‘t know whether it‘s wise that he knows we know of his plans…Perhaps you can convince him we‘ve given up on that theory? I‘m sure it would help your case…Though I doubt it will be much longer before he does know again…It‘s hard to keep an eye on things at the Ministry without being noticed,” Albus muttered. “We‘ll have to have a meeting with the Order soon to discuss everything you heard from Mulciber and Avery,” Albus said, quickly jotting down a quick note on a piece of parchment.

Severus nodded and waited, already having an awful feeling he knew what was coming.

“Now, as for what he said about Harry,” Albus said, frowning. “I know you are a very private man, Severus…I would never force you to really inform Harry of everything you‘ve been through. I don‘t see it doing very well to disobey something like that from Voldemort, though…I can‘t think of anything to help get you around that one…I‘m sure he wouldn‘t be terribly opposed to you making something up, if you would rather…One can never be too sure with him, however…” Albus said, returning to his very thoughtful state. Severus sighed, though was slightly relieved. He had expected Albus to push him right into the idea.

“I would encourage you, however, to think about talking with Harry,” Albus said and Severus sighed. He knew it. The man just couldn’t resist. Albus gave him a small, apologetic smile. “I think it would be good for you to have someone to talk to…And I believe it would be good for your friendship with Harry. You will find he can be a very loyal and kind young man.”

Severus found himself feeling very uncomfortable, having to stop himself from saying “I know he is.” No need for Dumbledore to know all of his thoughts and feelings. “That decision, however, I will leave to you. Go get some rest now, Severus…You‘re looking dreadful.”

“Thank you, Albus,” Severus said, meaning for his voice to sound insulted and bitter, though it came out more grateful than anything. Severus really needed to stop taking those potions, he scolded himself, as he left Dumbledore‘s office and was in his own living quarters in no time, sinking happily into his warm, comfortable bed.

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Author‘s Note: So the good news is is that I have chapters 11 (this one) - 25 pre-planned. I‘ve been keeping track of plots for each chapter in a notebook as I reread Order of the Phoenix. So that will make writing easier when I do have time and I can promise there is a lot of fun stuff coming up! Also a lot of the scene with Hermione, Ron, and Harry was stolen from the end of chapter 15 of OotP. Please review so I know how I‘m doing! I love hearing feedback from my readers! This chapter‘s lyrics are from my new favorite song, “Night of the Hunter“ by 30 Seconds to Mars.
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Lost and Damned