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"Why Me?"	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 88152 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman, you're the best!

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Chapter 11:

The Great House Elf War

Standing at the foot of the stairs, plastered to the wall, Sirius and Harry watched a shrieking house elf run by, swatting at the ferrets that were clinging to its body. Lucius trailed along not far behind, admonishing the ferrets in a firm tone, an effect that was rather ruined by the fact that he was chuckling, obviously completely amused by the antics of the creatures.
Shaking his head, rubbing his eyes, Sirius sighed, “They haven't even been in the house a full eight hours and they are causing havoc.”
“Oh, this is not going to end well,” Harry said, watching the poor elf streak by them again, shrieking loudly, pulling at its ears with Lucius hurrying along behind the creature, tone firmer than before in his admonishment of the ferrets.
“Those ferrets need to be locked in their cages and never let out,” Sirius told his godson. “I think we need to see if we can find out how much of a jarvey mix they are. The more jarvey in them, the worse the chaos will be. We'll get with Snape and Remus to see if they know a way to figure that out.”
Nodding, Harry was about to ask questions about that when Lucius came towards them, straightening his hair. Eying the pervert warily, he waited to see what the man wanted with them as Lucius had asked them to meet him here.
Huffing once his hair was in its proper place, Lucius said, “Spirited lads, that's for sure. Never fear, they are secured in their cages for now. I'll let them out in my room when I retire for the night, so they shan't be a problem.”
Rubbing his eyes, Sirius shook his head and told the idiot, tone weary, “Malfoy, that behavior goes beyond 'spirited'. The phrase menace to all of us in the house comes to mind here. Just make sure that you keep that cage firmly locked.” Looking at the great prat, he added, hoping to drive the point home in a way that Malfoy wouldn't forget, “Buckbeak loves to eat ferrets and he is very capable of getting out of that room when he wants to. So, unless you want those two furry nightmares to become hippogriff food, make sure they stay secured in the cage.”
Not having thought about that, Lucius went slightly pale at the thought of Gred and Forge being consumed. Nodding vigorously, he said, “I'll ensure they stay confined unless they are with me.”
“Yeah, well, if 'with you' means something like at supper tonight, you're going to have bigger problems than Buckbeak,” Sirius told him, glowering at the man. “That behavior needs to stop now and they need to learn it's not acceptable. Also, be aware that Buckbeak has a highly refined sense of smell. Any time they are out of their cage, be they with you or not, they will be in danger. It's best to leave them in the cage and let them play.”
“They will be fine, never fear,” Lucius soothed smoothly. “I'll ensure it.”
Knowing this was a boding of something bad to come, Sirius decided he didn't have the energy to argue with the man. Instead, he sighed then asked, “Now, what it is you needed us for? You said to meet you here.”
Straightening up, Lucius beckoned them to follow then called some of his elves. Standing a step below the painting that had the curtains shut, he said, keeping his voice down, “I want to know about the charms on the painting, or what you know of them. The elves think they can get it down or move it to somewhere that it won't cause a problem if it's set off, like in a dark corner of the basement. However, they want all the information they can get before they even attempt it.”
Liking that the prat was actually trying to be helpful for once and doing something worthwhile, besides see how perverted he could be, Sirius explained, “We don't know. We think, maybe, it's a permanent sticking charm of some sort. Beyond that, we have no idea. By now, we've all given it a shot with ones we know and nothing's worked. Even Albus gave it a go and got nothing but a shrieking diatribe in return.”
“Hmm--” Lucius considered, rubbing his chin, looking at the closed curtains. “If it is a sticking charm of some kind, I don't think they can get it down. They can move it, however. Any preference as to where they put it?”
“The basement works for me,” Sirius grinned. “Anywhere so we don't have to deal with it if something sets it off works nicely.”
Lucius was about to give some instructions to the waiting elves when he heard a soft clang of some sort. Eyes flitting in that direction, they then widened when he saw Kreacher standing there clutching tightly to the frying pan that he had been assaulted with the first night in the house. Sliding partially behind Sirius, he said, “I think this is your area to deal with, Black.”
Eying the deranged house elf, Sirius pulled his wand and made sure Harry was moving up the stairs so he didn't get caught in the middle of a nightmare if it happened. “Don't even think about it, Kreacher!” He warned in a deadly voice.
“No one touches my mistress' painting,” Kreacher said, lifting the pan, eying all the people on the stairs. Eyes locking on Lucius, he said, “The blood traitor's elves will not move my mistress' painting!”
Huffing at being called a blood traitor, Lucius sneered, “It is not a house elf's place to dictate what we do! Kreacher, go about your business.”
“That wasn't helpful, Malfoy,” Sirius told him quietly, eying Kreacher. “Kreacher, go clean like you should or something. Leave us alone.”
Lifting the pan, the elf glared at all of them, “The painting is not to be moved or taken down! Kreacher forbids it!” With a howl, he took off, swinging the pan at any body in his way.
Knowing this wasn't going to end well, Sirius backed up, almost tripping over Malfoy, who was more or less cowering behind him. Wand leveled at the elf, he ordered, tone hard, “Stop!”
Looking at the foul filth that was the child of his mistress, Kreacher swung the pan at Sirius even though he knew if he connected he would have to punish himself. No! He would not allow this to happen! Even if it invoked the pain of self punishment, he would put a stop to it.
Muttering a soft 'shite', Sirius was able to duck the pan. However, the cowering Lucius wasn't.
Eyes widening at the pan coming his way, Lucius tried to back up so it missed. He didn't succeed. Instead, it connected enough with his shoulder that he staggered sideways, off-balance because of his semi-crouched position. Fumbling as he crashed into the railing, he tried to grab hold of it, but his hand slipped. Instead, as he was scrambling for purchase, he felt another wallop with the pan right upside the head. Letting out a howl of pain, something that caused the curtains of the painting to fly open and Walburga to start shrieking, startling him, Lucius fell over the railing. Landing on his back, wind knocked out of him, he just gasped, trying to catch his breath. That was not fun! Whimpering as pain coursed through his body, he wondered, vaguely, what he had done over his life to now have karma swatting him around like a quaffle.
Wand leveled at Kreacher, Sirius snarled, “I said stop, now!” However, in an act of self-preservation, he was backing up the stairs as he did that, hoping like hell Harry had started moving when the chaos began so he didn't end up tripping over his godson and then both of them tumbling down the stairs.
Advancing towards his hated master, Kreacher became distracted when he was dog piled by the elves of the blood traitor and they attempted to wrench the pan out of his hands. Howling, adding his screams to the cacophony of shrieks from the painting, the elf tried to fight them off.
Glancing over the railing to make sure Malfoy had survived the fall, Sirius nodded when the man appeared to be struggling to sit up, muttering what sounded like French curse words. That was enough to tell him the prat was fine. Watching the elf battle coming in his direction, knowing he would get pulled into it and not wanting to get smacked with the frying pan that was being brandished about wildly, he decided that fleeing for his room was the best option.
Wand out in case it was needed, Sirius continued to back up the stairs as the elf battle drew closer. Seeing Snape and Remus showing up at the foot of the stairs to check on what set the painting off, he shook his head and told them, “Let it go until the battle ends. Check on Malfoy to make sure he's fine and then protect yourselves the best you can.” With that, he turned and hurried up the stairs, sure the elf battle was going to end up in the house elf version of a great war around the entire house.

Standing there, Severus and Remus glanced at Lucius, who was sitting up, though stiff and complaining, then to the ball of battling house elves that seemed to have more bodies added to it by the second. Howls, shrieks and the sounds of a frying pan connecting loudly with skulls was heard. After a glance at each other, they hurried forward and both put their hands under Lucius' arms, helping him stand. Dragging the man towards the kitchen, they kept an eye on the ever growing orb of battling house elves that was now moving down the staircase in their direction.
Aiding the sputtering Lucius into the kitchen and firmly shutting the door, Remus helped him to sit down while Severus warded the door, hoping they would stay safe. Checking Lucius over, relieved that it just appeared the man had the wind knocked out of him and some bruising, Remus glanced at Severus and asked, “Will the ward hold if they come this way?”
“Doubtful,” Severus huffed, glaring at the door. “What in the name of Merlin's grey shaggy beard set that off?”
Groaning, shifting around and trying to get comfortable, Lucius sneered, “Kreacher and a frying pan. He went mental when we discussed moving Walburga's painting.”
Rubbing his eyes, looking at the door when the sounds of the battle grew louder, as if it were approaching, Remus sighed, “Yes, he does get a little crazed when someone even mentions that.”
Wand coming up when some of the elves apparently connected with the closed door as they battled it out, Severus huffed, “I just hope they don't start to frenzy. If they do that, nowhere in this house will be safe.”
Stiffening at the mention of that, Lucius looked at the door warily as it sounded like it was being pelted with small bodies and the squeaky shrieks of house elves were heard. He had seen a house elf frenzy once in his life and never wanted to see one again. It always started out the same; a couple elves going at it. Then it mushroomed until every elf in the house was battling each other. By the time it got to that point, none of the elves knew what exactly they were fighting about, they were just fighting with each other, moving around in large balls that demolished everything in their wake. The following day was no better either. Masses of house elves in tears, all tearing at their clothes, pulling ears and punishing themselves as they repaired the damage and apologized to their masters. Oh, this was bad, very bad.
Eyes narrowing as the sound of more and more bodies pelting the door was heard, Severus leveled his wand at the thing and waited, backing up. This wasn’t good. Shaking his head, he muttered, “I suggest the two of you get ready to run.”
Standing, leveling his own wand at the door, Remus helped the groaning Lucius to his feet when the ancient wood of the door creaked under the weight of elf bodies. Backing them both away as the door sounded liked it was about to give way, he muttered, “I hope you are in good enough shape to run.”
Wincing as his injuries were jarred, Lucius pulled his own wand just as the door collapsed and splintered, shards of wood flying in every direction. Seeing the giant ball of battling house elves headed their way, he whimpered. “We need to run.”
Sliding backwards, wand trained on the elves that seemed to be growing in numbers, Severus snapped, “Get out of here, both of you. I'll hold them off.” Seeing the two nod and skirt around the table then make a break for the door, he started firing off stunning spells as fast as he could, backing away as more elves seemed to be joining the fight out of the blue.
Remus had Lucius put an arm over his shoulder and began to move them both as quickly towards the door as they could go while Severus fired off spells. However, with a quick glance, he could see that for every elf Severus dropped, five more seemed to take the creature's place. That wasn't good. Moving as fast he could, almost dragging Lucius with him, Remus managed to get them out of the kitchen without being pulled into the now huge ball of battling elves. Heading towards the stairs, eyes darting around, he saw a couple more balls of elves going at it. No, they needed to get upstairs, that's all there was to it.
Just as the two put their feet on the bottom stair, fully planning to get to their rooms and hide, they about got whiplash as they watched Severus speed by them, running up the stairs so fast he appeared to be flying, robes swirling around him.
“Every wizard for themselves,” the Potions Master snarled as he moved as fast as he could, fully planning to find shelter in a protected room.
Once glance over his shoulder at what was approaching had Remus shrugging Lucius' arm off of his shoulders and pelting up the stairs himself. He was stunned seconds later as Lucius blew by him, running full tilt, heading for the third floor. Panting, fearing what was behind him, Remus poured on the speed and headed up as fast as he could, planning to hide in his room.

Lying on the bed with Harry, both of them in just their boxers, Sirius listened to what sure as hell sounded like the house being torn apart and elves being tortured. No fool, he wasn't about to poke his head out and look to see just what was going on. Instead, he was content to wait it out until it was over then start snarling at Malfoy, sure the man had something to do with whatever was now going on.
Turning over, pulling Harry close, Sirius kissed his godson. Though he was certain Malfoy would pick up on the fact they were doing something, he planned to ignore it. Plus, he had ensured the wards were on the door so they wouldn't be disturbed. Hand sliding to the back of Harry's head, kissing him deeply, Sirius groaned in his godson's mouth, his flesh starting to rise and throb. No, he didn't plan to go that far tonight as he was sure Harry wouldn't react well to him pressing for it, but this was good. Not only was it pleasurable, but Harry would get more comfortable with the act the more they did it.
Feeling Harry wrap himself around him, the kiss becoming more passionate, Sirius held him tightly, steadfastly refusing to allow the sounds of a battle disturb what he was doing. Clutching Harry closely, he let his tongue slip into his godson's mouth, feeling Harry's hardening cock rubbing against him while they pressed together.
After a minute or so, he broke off the kiss and looked down at Harry. Grinning, he loved the look on Harry's face. It was definitely arousing, that's for sure! Panting slightly, he mumbled, “This is good,” then leaned down to resume the snogging. However, just as he was close enough to start, the door flew open with a bang, startling Harry, who moved, making it to where Sirius found himself snogging the pillow that Harry's head had been resting on just seconds ago. Pulling his face out of the pillow, snarling, he pushed himself up and glared at the door, positive who he was about to start yelling at. Sure enough, Malfoy the great prat was standing there, back pressed against the now closed door, panting heavily, eyes looking wild. “Malfoy! What the hell is going on,” Sirius snarled, pushing himself up further.
“House elf frenzy!” Lucius managed to hitch out, trying to catch his breath. Eyes widening at what he saw on the bed, they then crawled down the two bodies that were in nothing but boxer shorts. Smirking, he said, smoothly, “Please do continue. No need to let my presence stop you.”
Groaning, rubbing his eyes, Harry started to sit up, glaring at Malfoy. He was about to reach down and adjust himself when he noticed that Malfoy's eyes were locked on the front of his boxers. Looking down, seeing the obvious signs of his appreciation for the act they had been engaged in, Harry flushed then headed towards the bathroom to lock himself in until it was gone.
Watching his godson vanish into the bathroom so fast he was almost a blur, Sirius groaned then sat up. Glaring at the great prat, he snapped, “How the hell did you even manage to get in here? I know I warded the door!”
“Yes, well, it didn't work, did it?” Lucius said, folding his arms over his chest, pleased, looking at Black, liking what he saw of the exposed naked flesh and obvious signs of arousal.
“Which means you did something to ensure you could get in!” Sirius snapped, sliding off the bed to stand and face the man.
“I, personally, did nothing,” Lucius told him smugly.
Glowering in the prat's direction, Sirius rubbed his eyes then looked towards the shut bathroom door, sighing. This was a nightmare.
“I won't join in, I promise,” Lucius told him, lifting his chin. “I'll be content to just observe.”
“Yeah, well, the only thing you're about to observe is me turning your hair hot pink,” Sirius snapped, snagging his wand and aiming it at the man. “Whatever might have been going on that would be worth watching you just ruined!”
Readying his wand, Lucius huffed, “I think not! Just tell Harry to come out. I'll not say a word and sit quietly in the corner. You two can go back to what you were doing.”
Snarling, Sirius shot a hair changing spell at Malfoy, not happy when the man shielded against it.
“No need to get upset. I was just hiding from the frenzy. Just go back to what you were doing,” Lucius said, hoping to calm him down.
Shooting another spell at the man, Sirius growled. This night was getting worse as time went on!

Sitting in his room, clutching onto a full bottle of brandy he kept for medicinal purposes, Remus listened to the sounds of the battle going on below them, feeling the thudding from the floor, and the shouts of Sirius from above, not to mention the snarling. Sure a different kind of battle was going on up there, he shook his head then took a long pull from the bottle. Relishing in the burn down his throat, he held out the bottle for Severus, who was seated in the chair next to him.
Taking a healthy swallow of the liquid, Severus passed it back, looking dour, slouched in the comfortable chair. He and Lupin and decided to hide in the man's room from the fray, having warded it the best they could, hoping to stay safe. Hearing a loud thunk from above and a shout from Black, he sighed, rubbing his eyes.
Shaking his head, taking another drink from the bottle before passing it back, Remus said, “I think we should just run away, Severus. The situation is not improving and we keep getting dragged into the middle of it. Not to mention I have You-Know-Who trying to court me. Vanishing might be a good idea.”
Taking the bottle then drinking deeply before passing it back, Severus sneered, “I'll take your courting and up it a snake with an erotic fixation on me, then add in a horrific headmaster that's devising all kinds of deranged plans on top of a school full of students I'm expected to teach.”
Swallowing more of the brandy, Remus shook his head. “Yes, you do have it worse.” After passing the bottle back, he sighed, “I've heard Aruba is nice this time of year.”
Downing more then passing it back, Severus told him, “Or Japan.”
“Perhaps somewhere remote, like Siberia. No one would find us there,” Remus told him, leaning back in the chair after taking a drink and passing it back.
“That could work. No one in their right mind would think we would abscond to somewhere like that,” Severus told him with a nod after another drink and passing the bottle back.
Sighing, shaking his head after another deep drink and passing the now almost empty bottle to the Potions Master, Remus said, “I don't think that anyone is going to allow us to escape this nightmare. Somehow, I think we're stuck.”
Draining the last of the bottle and vanishing it, Severus sighed then slouched in the chair and rubbed his eyes. “You're right,” he groused. “Nagini would pursue me to the ends of the earth.”
Pulling another bottle from its hiding place, Remus cracked it open and took a swallow before passing it to Severus. “Are we sure there wasn't some kind of curse on that room they ended up getting bonded in? Something that could set this off?” He inquired.
“No, no curse, just insanity that was building,” Severus sighed, grateful for more booze so he took another deep drink. Passing it back, he added, “It was coming anyway. That just set it off.”
Looking down at the floor after a particularly loud crash and a thump that seemed to shake the whole house, Remus took another drink before passing the bottle. “This is madness.”
“Indeed,” Severus agreed with a nod then took a drink. “Which is why they make booze. It helps you cope!” Passing the bottle, feeling the buzz kicking in, he said, “It's the only thing that keeps you going some days.”
“I think, maybe, I'm beginning to understand why you drink, Severus. And I may start joining you,” Remus said then took a drink before passing the bottle and relaxing slightly as the buzz seemed to swirl around him.
“It's the only thing that gets me through the day at times,” Severus admitted, ignoring the battle sounds from both above and below. Booze was his friend. Booze was the only thing that understood and was there for him. It appeared that Lupin was making the same friend. He could handle that. After all, a drinking partner was probably a good thing to have as he didn't want to do himself an injury.
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"Why Me?"